telepathetic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2010
- Messages
- 2,278
It was like there was some secondary effect to its acute effects that took some time to kick in and work, like antidepressants do.
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JessFR
Bluelight Crew
Go post that in the ceps meme thread.
No, seriously, that's one of the best politics memes I've seen in ages and it's too good to not also be in the ceps meme thread. :D
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Made a turkey sandwich and went to the park so hopefully my head doesn't explode.
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
I.. Really don't think I'm ever gonna get clean. I honestly can't see it ever happening.
I've been on methadone 4 years as of September, I got on it cause I was sick of living like a junkie. And it generally did work for that.
But... I'm still using it pretty much like a drug. I relapsed on heroin a year ago and have used it here and there, maybe every few weeks for most of that year, plus maybe a few days out of this year.
I have no idea what I want in life, I don't want this, and I don't want anything else.
I don't like how things are, I don't like how things were. Yet I can't see them ever being any way else.
Have I mentioned I LOVE turkey? :D
I've been on methadone 4 years as of September, I got on it cause I was sick of living like a junkie. And it generally did work for that.
But... I'm still using it pretty much like a drug. I relapsed on heroin a year ago and have used it here and there, maybe every few weeks for most of that year, plus maybe a few days out of this year.
I have no idea what I want in life, I don't want this, and I don't want anything else.
I don't like how things are, I don't like how things were. Yet I can't see them ever being any way else.
Have I mentioned I LOVE turkey? :D
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I'm the most self hating depressing guy here and... Damn makes me feel bad just thinking about this. That's a crushing thought.
One day we will both be sober. At least I'll get off alcohol and you'll get off methadone. Gotta keep looking forward not down.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
Hang in there kid. Being undecided is natural. I was a lot like you when I was your age ( think you are in your 40's ) just not with heroin. You have time but don't turn 60 and wish you would have done it in your 40's. Don't be like me.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
That second line there. Hold those thoughts .
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
Actually I'll be 33 in October.
Pretty much spent my entire 20s on drugs.
Ok well it wasn't ALL on drugs. There were also boyfriends and various other experiences. But drugs, or more specifically opioids are why I'm 33 and nowhere particularly different to when I was 18. Other than being more aware of how just how much I fuck everything up.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
33 is a good age actually ( I will be 63 tomorrow ). From 30 to 40 I was relatively stable. It was from 40 to 60 that I ran into the trouble . I think everything happens when it's supposed to happen. Like a big cosmic joke or something. Enjoy your life and don't be too hard on yourself. When it's time to get serious...you'll know. Your heart is going to tell you even if your mind is doing the opposite.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
These are the things I like to hear . I think you are doing as good as you can right now. It will happen when you really have had enough.Not trying to flex on you @JessFR but I wasted both my 20s and my teenage years. I've been high or drunk for 65% of my entire life since the day I was born.
Thinking about that makes me want to get sober because of I don't change I'll lose my 30s too.
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
Not trying to flex on you @JessFR but I wasted both my 20s and my teenage years. I've been high or drunk for 65% of my entire life since the day I was born.
Thinking about that makes me want to get sober because if I don't change I'll lose my 30s too.
I'm glad you feel like that, I just wish I did too. Well, I wish I felt it stronger anyhow.
ions
Mr. Fantasy
Antipsychotics ruined my life. And there are individuals that are responsible. I driven to make sure they are held accountable. The looming economic crash will change all our lives.
telepathetic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2010
- Messages
- 2,278
It was never a waste. Okay, maybe a few days/months, but still. Everything has its time and place. You all are around my age and all at different parts of your relationship with drugs and especially addictive drugs, I also have the same sense of hopelessness, actually reading bluelight today set off an immense heroin craving (that would be @JessFR post earlier i believe.. lol) and I spent the last couple hours trying to score on the street to no success, which then had me going to read about methadone programs and fantasizing about getting that every day, which led me to look into tolerance with it. Anyway, after the craving left (pretty much resolved to get some from a safe reliable source in the next few months), I got really depressed and hopeless thinking I'm going to wind up dying before I'm even slightly into my 30s, either that or I'm going to wind up some 60 year old homeless guy who can't even afford drugs, or wind up in trouble with the law and sitting in a cage, any way, we are all way too young to be feeling this wayNot trying to flex on you @JessFR but I wasted both my 20s and my teenage years. I've been high or drunk for 65% of my entire life since the day I was born.
Thinking about that makes me want to get sober because if I don't change I'll lose my 30s too.
at least you all are more committed to it by now, than I am myself (halfway planning a cocaine and heroin relapse most days, usually suppressed by alcohol or high high dose thc, or exercise, but that's difficult with mental illness). That at least must mean something and signifigtenly increase your chances for an improved quality of life way sooner than I'll probably get it together. I mean, I just am not sure if I can function like this.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I talk way too much shit about myself. I'm aware it's not healthy but it's hard to stop for some reason.These are the things I like to hear . I think you are doing as good as you can right now. It will happen when you really have had enough.
Thank you friend, although it grinds my gears when people say things like "you just haven't hit rock bottom yet".
Every single time I'm at rock bottom, suicidal, homeless, in jail or whatever, when I reach out to friends or family they ALWAYS say that. I want to scream I AM!!!
Maybe they are right? Then the thought of that pisses me off even more. ;(
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
telepathetic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2010
- Messages
- 2,278
Until you find yourself sucking off a hermaphrodite, barefoot, in a bush covered in needles, high on IV goofballs, homeless in tent city LA for weeks I dont know... I mean prison could always be worse, my worst fear personally, and probably one of the things that keeps me from submitting to physical dependency. I saw ppl kick methadone in rehab and suffer can you imagine in prison?
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
This is actually one of my worst fears too.
I've had friends who've had to withdraw in jail, it's long been one of my greatest fears.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I think it's just dumb to have some sort of "standard" for what rock bottom means.
@Pumpkin2021 that's what I meant --^
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
I had 6 or 7 rock bottoms before I said enough already. I can't take it anymore. The 7th rock bottom was an eye opener I'll tell ya. Its ok my friend. We all speak ill of ourselves at times. Just go a little easier. You matter plenty.