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The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

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Checking in

Up all night
took some ambiens and tripped out just a little - still feeling it
smoking some decent herb

going to hate myself for using tomorrow but right now I feel good


This week I found out:
My parents are getting divorced
The house I grew up in is being put up for sale within 2 weeks
My sister blames me for all of this (long story)

I am scared abd shocked,,,emily
 
Tired as hell, stressed. Need a week or so off sitting on a beach. Got the fear/can't think straight/clumsy. My body itches. Hot/cold. Called in sick to work today. Uncle!
 
Except for a one-night relapse, I'm four weeks clean from adderall.
Beginning to get paid for doing work that I love to do!
Anxiety is bad but I'm dealing with it all right, getting better...
Broke off one friendship but repaired another..
Things are good and bad but generally everything is getting better and better :)
 
ocean said:
Krazyandie- Haven't seen October in quite a while-Hope she is okay......
Click to expand...

I know, I'm growing more concerned by the day. She left me a brief update a week and a half ago, and I'm afraid she's completely regressed. I'm not in a much better place myself at the moment but I'm hoping she's lurking and will call me so we can give each other much needed support.
 
Hey guys, I have NO idea where to put this. But I really need so insight, support and well just an ear here....

Uh. WHY?
I got a call from a friend to go be there for a suicide watch. ME?
ME? When I had chosen NOT to drink to avoid making my thoughts worse. Me? Who had crawled into bed to try to sleep to avoid cutting or hurting myself.

I don't know how serious he was, but I am trained to take ANY threat seriously. How could I literally live with myself if something had happened!

He was drunk and ranting. Did take a cup of bleach water out of his hand, getting covered in it. I honestly don't know what that would do to someone.
He said he took like 5 Seroquel. I don't know what that will do to you but knock you out. I don't know if I can be fatal. I didn't know if he was telling the truth. Was he just drunk and gets like I do or was he just wanting attention.

I sat for hours just crying and crying my eyes out. Was nothing else to do but watch what he was doing and make sure he continued to breathe.

I called m bf because I was scared. I was scared for me, for him... He was anything but supportive. He said it wasn't my problem, I was in NO condition to be doing it. DUH! And I was upset! But Sean was all I had to turn to. He would have rathered I not have called him, because there is nothing he could do. Now he is worried about me and my mental health more than ever.

I'm trained to call 911, but he is on probation and they would have locked him up for 3 years. If he even THOUGHT I did, he would run...God knows in what condition of functioning.
Not to mention he could say, "Look at her wrists, look at the cuts.." And I end up even worse than I am now, in inpatient.

I t was a horrible spot to be in! *sigh* And that day had worked out good, considering I thought my world was going to crash a burn.
I'm so exhausted.
At some point I had to make the call to leave. I called ths afternoon, he is alive.
 
Shit that's intense PThrill. Hey, you were there for him, even though you weren't feeling so great yourself, so that's gotta make you feel good right?? It's gotta feel good to know someone trusted you like that. Maybe you're not as lost as you may believe? I think you did a good thing.
 
It was selfish of him. He would call NO ONE else. Not his best friend. I had NO help. I'm a little angry because something tells me he thinks it's a game. But better safe than sorry. It was total hell, and causing damage to my mental health status and upseting my bf when we had JUST had the PERFECT day after a over a week break.
*sigh* It's going to take awhile to recover from this...
But in the end I forgive him.
He "says" he doesn't remember anything after the bar...he called me about an hour after the bar and I was there with him for 6 or 7 hours.
 
Last edited:
wingnutlives said:
Except for a one-night relapse, I'm four weeks clean from adderall.
Beginning to get paid for doing work that I love to do!
Anxiety is bad but I'm dealing with it all right, getting better...
Broke off one friendship but repaired another..
Things are good and bad but generally everything is getting better and better :)
Click to expand...

Im glad you seem to be doing alot better. I hope it stays that way :) .
 
My middle daughter Amber and I rearranged her and her younger sisters room today. It really looks so sweet. They both really loved the room, I can still hear them playing. I guess it is the smallest of things that make me just smile and feel blessed. I really am thankful to be with them. I hate the mistakes I make, but they are not truly who I am. I hate the drug use, and then I still go back and binge here and there. I hate that I do that. I really think I am just self medicating. Then I see my girls and I just kick myself. Really they are precious. I am about to go and read My youngest a book. She loves to listen to me read, and I am getting her to read with me. I love being a mother, I honestly do. Maybe the fact I am not dating atm is best for me and my girls. I still think I will keep an eye out for a special one. Otherwise I am just fine.
 
Reporting from vacation central here:)
Things are going very well thus far-
Tonight was.......interesting.
We all went out to eat and had an AMAZING dinner-
Then others decided to drink a bit much (my hubby and I the odd ones out) and I felt like I was 18 again for a little while......
I teared up when my mother had her head in my chest and was crying and said "sometimes I like that you are my mama" :(
I love my family so much and have missed this dysfunctional bunch!
 
^ I feel the same way about my family Ocean. I love my mother with all my heart, but she and I are so different, yet a lot alike in different ways.
 
total shit. I've got no real place to live and dead broke, and the funny thing, it has nothing to with the drugs I'm doing.

part of it has to do with rumors of me being an addict of a drug that I dont at all, and the rest I dont wanna discuss.

kinda sucks.
 
Which drug out of curiousity? It's cool if you don't want to elaborate further.

Sometimes talking does help, either to a group (as in posting on threads) or meetings, or just PMing or IMing someone, or give a friend a ring to get shit off your chest.


Hope your luck turns around! :)
 
word on the street is that I'm a hard core crackhead.

I do uppers, amphetamine and mdpv. orally and nasally. I would piss dead clean for cocaine/crack. but everyone in my hood is convinced or talking shit.

as my one of my fav artists said though "Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a fuuuuuck!!" I'll try to take it to heart.
 
Checking in.

Well, I'm homeless... again. Fucking sickens me. Been staying at the shelter the past few nights but I had to beg to stay with a friend tonight cause I couldn't stomach another night of being treated like a prisoner. I just got out of prison, fuck that. Been doing what I can this week to try and make my life easier, got food stamps and a bus pass, gonna make a resume tonight so I can hopefully get those out to some possible employers next week.

I've decided that instead of trying to reestablish myself in this bullshit town yet again I wanna move to another state, so for now I gotta bide my time bouncing around between the shelter and the occasional night with friends or family. It just really fucking sucks not knowing for certain where you're gonna lay your head any given night. God I hope I can find work soon and really set my plans in motion. I just keep telling myself that this is the hardest part and it'll get better but it feels like I'm feeding myself a big load of shit sometimes. I have started receiving mental health treatment again for MDD and psychosis again which is a good thing.

I'm not quite a week off a passive suicide attempt, taking large doses of DXM, propylhexedrine, hydrocodone, soma, ambien and alcohol every day in a half-assed attempt to just not wake up. It didn't work, thankfully. Yanno, now that I think about it, sadly I can't say that last part, "thankfully" with total conviction. Also been having mild urges to cut again after 1.5 years, have abstained thus far though. It's not a good feeling to tell your closest family that you feel like giving up on life and them just giving you an "oh well" basically.

I dunno, just trying to keep my head above water at this point. It does feel good to finally be off my ass and trying to do something about my situation, but I can tell I'm on a very narrow edge of sliding down into that deep dark state again, and I doubt I'd make it back out this time.
 
Possibility of being in rehab as soon as this Friday. I'm skeptical but ya never know. Haven't injected since Sunday. The only drugs I've done in three days are weed and alcohol. Might be getting back with the ex. Wow, all at once things are hittin' everyone for good or bad
 
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