zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
I know I posted in TDS recently so I'm not exactly checking in..
2008 was a rough year. It was the year my gma died. Just 6 months before I turned 18. I can't believe it's been so long since she died and I feel like I don't remember her enough. That's why the day of her funeral I got a tattoo in memory of her. She was too special to ever forget.
2008 was also the year I met my ex. Yesterday would have been our 10 months. We were engaged and everything. We had a wild, crazy, passionate love. But we were both too caught up in what we thought was our perfect love to work some issues out, and that is why we ended up splitting. It still hurts. Less than it did but still get pangs like a knife to the gut. Songs, places, smells, foods, things. All remind me of the days we spent together, how close we were. How much we were in love. I don't doubt for a moment that we weren't in love. We were just so much in love that both of us thought that things that would need worked out in our relationship would just work out or fix themselves or be dealt with...but that didn't happen. I sit here crying now thinking of her. I love to see her still and we are good friends. I think i'd lose it if we weren't. Part of me wants to hate her, but part of me is still in love. I have to let go though. Or I will never heal. I've forgiven myself for hurting her emotionally when we broke up, and while we were together. I didn't mean to. I wouldn't have hurt her for the world. But it happens. Life goes on. I'm lucky she has forgiven me. And told me to forgive myself. I'm still caught up in the fact though, that she has seen us 10 years from now, when we were still together, and it was so beautiful. That leaves me to wonder if we will ever be together again. She was my first love. I was her first girl too.
2009 was the year I got sober. Well. For awhile. I occasionally did my rx'd drugs but not to the extent that I was before. I stopped smoking pot for months. Stopped using dxm for months. I respected the fact that my ex didn't want me smoking pot around her 3 year old. But she's gone now and I kinda slipped back into it. Not in a bad way though. Yet. I just smoke, drink, and some pills. I hope I learned my lesson from all the shit that happened and getting mind raped when I was 15-18. I'm taking it slow with drugs now. I'm still prone to freakouts and mental breakdowns, they just thankfully seem to be null so far. That's amazing considering how much stress I've been experiencing in the past month. Alot of it is thanks to my ex. She taught me alot about coping. I'm not taking any psych meds now. It's been about a month. I hope my depression stays away.
Looking back I've grown up alot this year. I'm glad I did. But I still feel like I missed alot of my childhood and teenage years. Its a toss up suitation. I guess I have to balance being grown up and still partying and having fun to make up for what I never did.
2008 was a rough year. It was the year my gma died. Just 6 months before I turned 18. I can't believe it's been so long since she died and I feel like I don't remember her enough. That's why the day of her funeral I got a tattoo in memory of her. She was too special to ever forget.
2008 was also the year I met my ex. Yesterday would have been our 10 months. We were engaged and everything. We had a wild, crazy, passionate love. But we were both too caught up in what we thought was our perfect love to work some issues out, and that is why we ended up splitting. It still hurts. Less than it did but still get pangs like a knife to the gut. Songs, places, smells, foods, things. All remind me of the days we spent together, how close we were. How much we were in love. I don't doubt for a moment that we weren't in love. We were just so much in love that both of us thought that things that would need worked out in our relationship would just work out or fix themselves or be dealt with...but that didn't happen. I sit here crying now thinking of her. I love to see her still and we are good friends. I think i'd lose it if we weren't. Part of me wants to hate her, but part of me is still in love. I have to let go though. Or I will never heal. I've forgiven myself for hurting her emotionally when we broke up, and while we were together. I didn't mean to. I wouldn't have hurt her for the world. But it happens. Life goes on. I'm lucky she has forgiven me. And told me to forgive myself. I'm still caught up in the fact though, that she has seen us 10 years from now, when we were still together, and it was so beautiful. That leaves me to wonder if we will ever be together again. She was my first love. I was her first girl too.
2009 was the year I got sober. Well. For awhile. I occasionally did my rx'd drugs but not to the extent that I was before. I stopped smoking pot for months. Stopped using dxm for months. I respected the fact that my ex didn't want me smoking pot around her 3 year old. But she's gone now and I kinda slipped back into it. Not in a bad way though. Yet. I just smoke, drink, and some pills. I hope I learned my lesson from all the shit that happened and getting mind raped when I was 15-18. I'm taking it slow with drugs now. I'm still prone to freakouts and mental breakdowns, they just thankfully seem to be null so far. That's amazing considering how much stress I've been experiencing in the past month. Alot of it is thanks to my ex. She taught me alot about coping. I'm not taking any psych meds now. It's been about a month. I hope my depression stays away.
Looking back I've grown up alot this year. I'm glad I did. But I still feel like I missed alot of my childhood and teenage years. Its a toss up suitation. I guess I have to balance being grown up and still partying and having fun to make up for what I never did.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
