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THE CLEAN THREAD! Recovering Addicts Chill Room-come on in

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Khadijah

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Wat up yall, this thread is for anyone who is tryin to or is alraedy clean. Aint no 12 step shit here and we dont support or be against NA, But this thread is here for us to chill in, like a social thread specific to recovery n bein clean, it is kind of like a online version of a NA meeting minus all the rules n steps n shit. And no, this aint some The dark Side shit, since after all we are DC a forum of hopeless, wise ass fuck up , balls to the wall , un apologizing junkies feens and high chasers, so "warm supportive and caring" mite not be the vibe in here if thats wat youre lookin for. If you got a long sad story to cry out to someone , it prolly dont belong in here, but I think that since so many of us is part of the never ending roller coaster ride of addiction we should have a lil place for the ones takin a break to chill at and just shoot the shit, talk, or watever.

So, if you are gettin clean stayin clean or forced to be clean or watever it may be, any time u need some good words, advice, or just need to bitch or vent to somebody please feel free to post in here in our little "BL meeting" of our own.

you aint gotta put no dollar in the basket, its ok to 'cross talk', you aint got to lie and pretend like you dont love your DOC, just come here to get shit off your chest . I know that comin to bluelight and this forum can be hard for me when Im tryna stay clean cuz of all the shit that reminds me of dope but why not have somewhere for us heads who still post but cant use to bullshit and talk about wateva. Wat is this thread here to discuss? How many days clean u got, the situation u in, how u got that way, wats on your mind, how u cope with not usin, etc. how your day went today, anything, its all welcome cuz we all go thru or have been thru the same shit. the meeting never ends, you welcome to be here at any time, and hopefully ppl will enjoy this thread and we will get lots of replys and it will keep goin as somethin that we get some enjoyment out of. Well thats it, i guess its up to yall!

Hi Im lacey and Im a addict lol....
 
Yeah withdrawl succks on weed lol . Can't imagine what it's like with other drugs ! Must b crazy
 
been clean offa PPT for 3 months + 2 weeks. those WD's were worse than H WD's. I'm still bored, but I got a nice new job. And it is nice to not have to wake up and drink some foul brown juice every morning, and worry about traveling and shit.
 
good call lacey! i am Brandon and have been in recovery for the past year from IV heroin. so far i'm 6 months clean this time. i had relapsed last october after coming off the suboxone. then started up suboxone january 1st and relapsed a couple more times until april. i can honestly say this has been the hardest time in my life, as i just got over a year and a half relationship which was horrible (not while in the relationship though). i can't decide if this recovery period has been harder than being a junkie. pretty damn hard to be a junkie, and by that i mean all the shit we go through whether it be sickness, fucking our arms up, VDs, copping in the streets, and yeah just the whole lifestyle.

i'm starting to get depressed and lonely because of the fact i am away in college on my own, dedicating most of my time to producing and mixing music. i do have a few friends that i hang out with sometimes, but it still gets lonely. where i'm at, it's not the best place to look for a significant other either. if you guys like heavy beats and hip hop i just recently made this mix while sober (my first mix sober) http://soundcloud.com/unsui/stuttering-beat-confessions-mix just click the link and it'll bring you to the page. sorry if that doesn't belong here, but i thought i'd share since i haven't ever done a mix sober.

so yeah what are you guys that are in recovery spending your time doing besides getting high? and also, do you use any other substances and consider yourself clean while just abstaining from your desired chemical? i do! i pretty much screwed the idea of NA meetings after going to a few and still remain smoking marijuana and DMT, so i thought it would just be kind of hypocritical. i do consider myself clean though.
 
Well I played the classic game, thought i could get thru this shit somehow without gettin into the same trouble everyone else did, got arrested 3 times in 7 months, got on probation, gave a dirty urine the first time they gave me a test, figured i could get by using a few days a week while gettin tested weekly (Use on thurs, fri and sat - clean sun, mon, tues, weds, and half of thurs, repeat weekly) Well that worked for a while and then I got sent to a TASC evaluation for the first dirty which was a drug abuse eval. pretty much. so i did great, they said i was all good and didnt need any more treatment since i messed up just once but had gave all clean samples since then...and then somehow, the sample that i gave them on that day was dirty. i hadnt used in like almost 6 days but it still came up dirty. so last week they took me in the office and threatned to lock me up if i didnt sign papers admitting that i had used they was gonna VOP me and the sentence for that in my case since i had a felony charge was 3-5 years if u violate. So i was like ight watever ill do watever u want just dont violate me.

So now I am here realizing that i cant use no more, that its done. I got to go once a week to probo, and do a IOP which tests u at least once or twice a week randomly. There aint no way to get around shit , its over with, and i aint tryna get locked up. i can either be clean out here, or clean in prison so its clear which choice Ima make. Its time to get my shit together but as a addict who been fully in it for years its hard as fuck. I dont know how to live without this shit, its my blood, my heartbeat, the constant piece of my life that never change. Its how i know how to live, it aint a habit or something i do its a part of me, its braided into the fibers of my soul u feel me...its the answer to everything, the entire pattern of my life, to change it is the most terryfying thing that i ever had to face....

So Im here with yall and gonna give it all I got like they say one day at a time and I am sure that eventually, once I finish IOP or if I go on a vacation for a week or somethin, maybe i could blow some oxy's or opana's or boot some fent or somethin, shit that they dont really test for and leaves your system quick fast. I can look forward to a little fun here or there some time down the line, but for right now and the next few months I got to really live it and walk the line not just talk cuz otherwise Im goin down and as much as I love her I aint tryna be with my cousin in state, so all yall already kno....This is the first time i have ever made a real commitment to be clean for my entire life. i aint never actually tried, for real before. ive played the game, ive went to detox (with money in my pocket so i could use as soon as i started the drive home, stopped in paterson and got right 2 hours after i left the ward) and ive went to NA (just to talk, listen to ppl, feel some friendship, but never really been active since every time i go i knew i was gonna use as soon as i finished my piss test for that week) and ive told my family and friends i was clean and took suboxone but still used all the time til i ran out of money, took sub for a few days til i got some dough, then went back into it....But this is the first time ever for me that i am doin it and not lyin to SOMEBODY about the reality of it...doin it and NOT using...that when i say i been 60 days clean, it dont mean i been 60 days clean aside from 6 times that i used once for each week on the day that i got piss tested. And let me tell yall something this shit is wild. I only hope i get stronger as the days go by cuz right now i feel like im on a 50 foot high diving board, and the pool underneath me is a new life free from addiction and suffering but i am so scared to splash into that water...

Ill come back later n post some other shit related to the stuff Ima try n do, if i go to meetings, etc but i jus had to get that off my chest. I feel like somebody I love died or somethin. the realization that u got a problem and need to get clean is one thing, when its for your family, GF/BF, watever. when u realize that if u use you ARE, NO QUESTION, going to PRISON, not county jail for 30 days, not inpatient rehab for a month, but PRISON for at LEAST 3 YEARS, it feels like somethin got robbed from you, and you cant even "one last time" it cuz youll catch a dirty even if you do that, like bam you woke up this mornign thinkin you gonna continue your routine, your pretend to be clean so you piss clean then get high little game, you go in, bullshit the PO a little, piss in a cup for them smile and nod and run outta there to go boot up just like you have been doin, not takin it serious, thinkin "oh I got this on lock". Not realizing the severity of it if you was to get caught for wat you doing. and then you DO get caught and you realize just how deep of shit you are in, realize that they are deciding RIGHT NOW whether to even let you go home tonight or if you just gonna go straight to jail til your VOP hearing which will send you to prison, realizign that your whole life is about to change right this instant and you had no idea....realizing that you better of enjoyed that last time you got high, becuz for the next 3 years at least, you aint gonna be touching that shit ever again...Shit is fuckin REAL yall!
 
Damn lacey, I didn't know you were that deep into it with the courts. They definitely don't fuck around about probation violations. You know what you have to do. Either stay clean out here on the streets, or be clean in prison. It's not a hard choice for most people, but when you have been shooting dope for as long as we have and been so entrenched in the lifestyle, the thought of getting clean is like someone asking us to stop breathing. You can't comprehend or imagine it. It still sure beats the hell out of doing a few years upstate. Even if you can't see yourself staying clean forever (shit I can't), atleast you can get some clean time and save up some cash and dry out for a little bit until your legal shit clears up. You said it yourself that this could be your chance to start a new life, free from all chaos and madness of being a dope fiend. I'm sure all long term junkies can agree, we don't know how else to live. Our lives revolve around dope, and the thought of living any other way is straight frightening. But we all know if we continue the way we are going, we will eventually end up 6 feet under or doing some serious time. Like I said, you know what you have to do. Maybe getting on suboxone will help?

Good luck staying clean, and fuck going to prison, you don't want to lose 3 years of your life over some powder. Nice thread by the way too. Its definitely for people like me who use heroin a few times a week, and then try and make it through the other days taking sub, usually struggling like a motherfucker. You said it, its a fucking rollercoaster lol.
 
Suboxone here...and am keeping busy by going to college full time currently. Am also looking for a job.
 
hey which iop lacey? i go to high focus which sucks balls haha and is court ordered. the only thing that its made me clean from is weed. when i stopped smoking weed i started up on roxy30s which made it easier lol but now i only use on the weekends(about anythin but weed) and i def feel better from not burning every day.
 
which high focus r u going to, there is 4 diff. locations that they have it at? i aint in there, didnt join iop yet they just gave me a number to call but its for a county wide services center type of thing so idk wat its gonna be....

but anyways....So I been clean since Thursday night yall how bout that...2 and a half days down, 959 days to go...8)
 
It sounds corny, but before you know it you will have 3-4 months clean and will be wondering how quick the time went by. Just gotta keep yourself busy cuz if you sitting around all day bored thinking of using, its just going to be harder and seem like its taking longer. The last time I shot dope was thursday too, and now I'm sitting here bored as hell with no plans for today and the thoughts of getting a bag or two are already creeping into my head. Fucking boredom.
 
i go to the high focus in cranford, night group. we got a good group but the counselors r assholes. its a good program if u willing work it. i been there since june and proly got round a month left.
 
Wow Lacy, that is quite a story. It truly is scary when you have been using for a while to face the fact that you MUST stop, whatever the reasons.

I experienced that fear when I got fired from my job. I am a poppy tea addict, I have been using for over a year now and have been physically addicted from the get go. I take breaks and shit, but only to lower my tolerance and morphine is always on my mind when I taking a break. When I got fired, without any sort of income at all ordering more tea was out of the question. In addition to that, every business in my area drug tests so I had that to worry about too.

I quit poppy tea (took small doses once or twice just to chill the WD out a bit) and realized that I could not even think about using till I got a job. It really is some scary shit, you don't feel right. I mean fuck, you don't even wanna live without something to look forward to. I feel as addicts we need our DOC to look forward to because everyday shit don't cut it anymore. Sober people can take a shit and probably feel good from the endorphins but for us it ain't like that it takes something much more powerful to get us feeling good.

Unfortunately after I found my job I hopped right back into the lifestyle but it does get easier with time. Are you allowed to be on maintainence drugs when on probation?
 
I havent used heroin in 23 days and its been tough as hell to give up

But I'm glad it's all working out so far

Ive been addicted so horribly so many times but you can stop if you really want to

You just need to be strong <3
 
Thats great to hear Charlie! You are such a happy loving and kind person that i am glad to see ur tryna do good for yourself. I feel like im a miserable asshole and it makes sense for me to do dope but u always so full of light when ur on here that it made me feel bad to see u using that shit, like somehow u shouldnt need it becuz u the type of dude that sees life in a better way than alot of us, I sound like a idiot right now becuz i cant explain it. But IDK, a happy hippie such as ur self, i just dont imagine doing dope even tho theres that whole scene of dopeheads in that culture.

I kno its dumb to say u 'didnt seem like the type" becuz i always known u did it from talkin to ya on here, and anyways we all got our own reasons and in the end all of us are prolly people that others would not expect to use dope if they knew us , it aint like its only for a certian kind of person. we all got good sides to us, that peopel would say, I dont know why he/she needs to do that crap, they are good without it, but yet we all do I guess wat i was saying tho is Jus that ur personality n style seemed to be above diesel I guess, I really cant say any of this without sounding retarded so Ima just stop lol, btu i hope u got my point. Anyways, I been clean since Thursday night and I am feelin great...On the 'done now and suprisingly I aint even feenin for dope like that. i feel good I think i can do this. Fuck the world if they think i cant!
 
Thank you for your kind words Lacey they mean alot to me and congrats on trying to get clean <3

In all honesty heroin is a big part of what made me the person I am today. Being so desperately addicted to drugs really made me much more compassionate towards people. When I was really down and out years ago and people picked me up and brushed me off it meant alot to me. I try to help as many people as I can with getting away from the stuff but I still fall back into it from time to time myself.

It's a very hard thing to give up , I miss the instant gratification that a shot of heroin provides but Im finding happiness in other parts of my life now. I found an amazing girl who has really been helping me take my mind off drugs and Im really grateful for it. If you have faith in yourself you can turn any situation around
 
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Was clean for like 2 years on bupe maintenance up until my month-long relapse back in May. Been clean since then. Trying to relapse again, but failing -- intentionally, I suppose; I could easily score in certain areas, but they're so sketchy/hot that it just isn't worth it to me. Instead, I search in areas that have less chance of success but also less chance of fucking jail. It's a win-win situation: either I get my shit without getting popped, or I don't find anything and manage to stay "clean" another day. Win.

Boredom followed by frustration is probably why I can't manage to stay clean. I just get really... really... really bored and start craving for dope sometimes.
 
Hi~ I'm a recovering heroin addict. I used for over 5 years and I've been clean for 9 years as of last month :). I don't like NA or AA meetings, its not my thing. I'm part of the small % of users who got clean but never went to rehab, never got on methadone, never went to jail, and never got a disease. I had some guardian angels watching over me. I was sick of being sick and sick of depending and a fix to make me feel good. My last kick was the worse, I did it cold turkey and all alone. I almost bit through a 300 page book b/c it was so painful. I almost relapsed, but I stayed strong. I was very depressed and had horrible anxiety. I went to my doctor and started on Celexa an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. It helps take the edge off, and I can focus better. There were a lot of things in my life that needed changing, and dope needed to go. I stayed clear from my old stomping grounds for 4 years, that helped a lot too. I focused on my passions, my health, my good friends, my family, and my goals in life. I'm here to help and to be a friend.
 
I was clean for a bit staying on my Suboxone.. but well friday I did'nt have any $ to pick up my script and my mom didn't grab it til late sat... So since I hadnt taken it since thursday my friend who still uses offered me 5 bags to ride him.. So I did and was reminded how nice it was... Ive been using each day since and am tommorow but im IVing tommorow after that im back on subs... But myother and I think more troublesome problem is amphetamines... I was doing them throughout sub treatment and am binging now with dope im also getting meth very soon and I think I need to like try and get clean completley
 
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