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the bluelight preconception, pregnancy and parenting l337ness thread

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Congrats DFRS fantastic news. :) I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly it's really a lovely time.

In terms of catty comments from well meaning relatives and strangers I accept now that it's part and parcel of becoming a parent unfortunately. :/ It seems like everyone has an opinion about everything and their way is the best. I'll just have to learn not to take anything to heart.

Less than a week to go now. I'm hoping it happens sooner rather than later.
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
what the hell? did I miss the announcement of DFRS being pregnant!?
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There was no big announcement i just mentioned it in an above post. It's still early days. Getting past the first trimester might be my actual big announcement :) That's when it will be on facebook for all to see!

Miss Peks said:
Congrats DFRS fantastic news. :) I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly it's really a lovely time.
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Thank you! :) I am looking very forward to wearing pretty summer dresses over my pregnant belly :D I have heard being heavily pregnant through summer is a complete drainer, but right now im not gonna think about that im just gonna focus on the positives of being pregnant during summer. I am already feeling strangled when wearing clothes because nof my heightened sensitivity and really sore breasts, so i am glad i will be pregnant through a time where i can wear loose breezy dresses etc.

And good luck!! I am looking very forward to hearing a full report on your birth :D
 
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L2R said:
^really that IS an amazing thing you do. wow, three times!

i have looked into surrogacy in my studies and the legal problems that can result if attachment does occur. it's very interesting that you were more attached to the intentional parents. do you know if that is common or are you unique in that respect? as i understand it, surrogacy contracts aren't legally enforceable. what would happen if the baby had a developmental issue, and/or would require lifelong care?
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That's actually wrong.. It is very enforceable if you are doing a Gestational surrogacy.. Gestational surrogates have no biologically link to the babies they carry, so they have no rights to them at all. I have never heard of a case where a GS actually won trying to keep a baby. Traditional surrogacy is more tricky because you are letting someone have YOUR baby, this baby is biologically yours. So they usually do win. BUT It is very rare.. that's why ppl hear about it so much, because those rare cases of it happening are passed around and around.

Yes it is way more common for surrogates to bond deeply with their IPs (intended parents) then the baby. I know literally hundreds of surrogates and really one one that feels badly about their journey.

:) Contracts are in place for developmental abnormalities. IPs choose surrogates according to their wishes and vice verse. I am a non aborting and non selective reduction surrogate so I do not abort or reduce. My IPs know this and feel the same way.. For surrogates that are willing to abort for fetal defect or selectively reduce high multiples it is in their contract. BUT the law is tricky.. I mean a surrogate can sign a contract agreeing to reduce or abort.. but when it comes down to it, no contract can MAKE you do this. So then if the IPs didn't want the baby, usually the baby would be placed for adoption. Does any of that make sense?
 
Yes it does, and it's very fascinating. I appreciate you sharing this with us.

I thought the laws were just as tricky with gestational "mothers". In the "practical ethics" unit i did about 6 months ago we briefly covered that gestational mothers would have as much right to claim a child for themselves as a set of intentional parents, or even (if applicable) genetic donor parents. After all, the nutrients provided and time spent in the womb can be argued to instill an unexpected attachment. Additionally, the question of when it actually becomes "baby selling" was discussed. Where is that line? It was pure theory and so very tricky, but what you describe in reality flies pretty much right in the face of it. If gestational surrogates connect more with the IPs, then many of the ethical problems are pretty much voided.

It is still an extemely stimulating and interesting topic to think about. :)
 
I also want to thank you sincerely for sharing all of this information with us <3 I'm interested to research the differences between US & Australian laws.
 
^You know my thoughts and love relating to your recent posts, Lady-pants. Fingers crossed the relaxed QLD environment will do the trick. (Back away, not today, Victoria!)

Miss Peks said:
In terms of catty comments from well meaning relatives and strangers I accept now that it's part and parcel of becoming a parent unfortunately. :/ It seems like everyone has an opinion about everything and their way is the best. I'll just have to learn not to take anything to heart.

Less than a week to go now. I'm hoping it happens sooner rather than later.
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Good luck Miss Peks!

After seeing my husband's family for the first time since our wedding I came to the realisation that 'joining the family' also meant that the family is entitled to their opinion and I'm going to just have to deal with that. My husband's brother + his wife had recently had their first child (the first grandchild) and while his mum was relatively subtle with "It would be great if you two decide to have kids, cousins for [Baby]!" ... his step-mother came out with "So, Jo, we've got to have a word with you! When are you two going to start with kids?"

I told her she was barking up the wrong tree and she needed to be convincing the hubby, and bit my tongue to keep from nastily telling her that we'll be moving back to Brisbane when it's time for kids so she'll have to get on a plane any time she wants to see them. Like Peks said, I think developing a tough skin will be essential.

I'm also fascinated by the surrogacy tale - keep sharing gsx2ts4u!
 
gsx2ts4u said:
Yes it is way more common for surrogates to bond deeply with their IPs (intended parents) then the baby. I know literally hundreds of surrogates and really one one that feels badly about their journey.
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In the doco I watched they showed IP's that instantly turned cold on the surrogate, and once they had the baby in their arms they walked straight out the door and never said goodbye (well the husband did, the wife was very cold) and it did seem to effect the surrogate a bit.

I guess it is to be expected when dealing with all types of people in this industry, i still found it sad though. I would imagine you'd need to have a thick skin to be a surrogate.
 
joannie_mhm said:
^You know my thoughts and love relating to your recent posts, Lady-pants. Fingers crossed the relaxed QLD environment will do the trick. (Back away, not today, Victoria!)
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...and you know my thoughts on all of this (and most everything else <3). Your support all through the year has meant the world. ILY xx
 
You're most welcome! It may vary depending on country or state, surrogacy isn't legal in all 50 states. The loop in avoiding "baby selling" is by not paying your surrogate in one lump sum. The payments (between 16-25 grand for a first time surrogate) Is broken up into monthly payments, this is seen by the law as "upkeep" or "Child Support".

Most intended mother's use their own eggs if they can, and in doing so become the birth mother. Almost every contract now in the states is backed up by a prebirth order. This states before the baby is born that the one giving birth is only a carrier, not a mother.

The first set of twins went to a same sex couple from NY (where surrogacy is illegal). We did everything in CA/MN in accordance with CA/MN laws. 4 days after the twins were born we went to court where my name was taken off the birth certificate and 2 men where put on under mother and father, It was a historical day in that aspect as it had never happened before. It is very common now. I was also the one of the first carriers to give birth to twins with two different fathers, twice :).

I know that in other countries such as Canada surrogacy is legal but paying for surrogacy in any way is illegal.

If you have anymore questions regarding laws and how we safeguard surrogates and IPs I would be more then happy to email you one of my contracts :)

Jennifer
 
Surrogacy in the media is very tweaked for drama. I was offered by PBS to follow me around when I did my first surrogacy. Because an agency had pretty much sold out my info. When you hear about surrogacy you find things like "baby mama". So far away from the actual grit of it all that people do not see the thousands of positive results that happen all the time. For every one negative journey there are loads and loads of good ones.

Oprah also made a lot of surrogates look bad on a show she did years ago. Where she had a women hold a sign that said "Womb for rent". It upset the whole surrogate community. Last year A producer for the O show contacted me via my consulting business and asked if I would be interested in appearing as the face of surrogacy and my response was "Hell no!" and then I let them have it.
 
:D WooHooo dfrs! And great news on your little trio, MDAO! :D

I have a friend who conceived about the same time I did, but she miscarried. She tried, but it was hard for her to be around me after I started showing, and I've hardly seen her at all since my little boy was born. It makes me sad, and I don't know how to fix it.

I just don't understand how people can be so awful to each other during the most painful times of their lives. Some of the things people said to me when my baby died were so cruel they still hurt 23 years later. Several people told me that I would not have wanted the doctors to revive her, because she would be brain damaged, and I wouldn't want her that way. The people at the SIDS support hotline couldn't wait to tell me that 9 out of 10 couples who lost a baby to SIDS broke up. How comforting. But the absolute most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life was when my then-mother-in-law told me that my daughter would go to Hell because she had not been baptized. That was the last day I was a Christian.
 
that's so fkn horrible, vox. what sad, little, stupid people those are.
 
Oh vox. I don't know how you managed to hold it together at that most horrific time with all the support in the world, let alone with people saying such things - it's hard to comprehend. Huge respect to you for getting through that. <3 I honestly don't understand people sometimes :(
 
Thanks for the kind words, guys -- it's been a long road. Lots of risk-taking behavior, drugs, therapy....time is the only thing that really helps, but I don't think it ever heals completely. Oh, I could write a book about it.....but I'd rather devote my energy to the precious little ones who came after. They are the very best part of life!

Also would like to add my thanks to gsx2ts4u for sharing about surrogacy...fascinating! I think it's wonderful that you can do such a profound and beautiful thing for people. :)

Hey, Miss Peks! Hope you and baby are well and happy! Can't wait for the juicy details! <3
 
it's been a month since wife took felix overseas. i thought i had settled after the first few weeks of difficulty, but nah this shit is really hard. i think i had gotten a good grip on being a parent by the time he left, and now the sudden isolation from the boy has put me into a substantially deep pit of despair.
 
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