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the bluelight preconception, pregnancy and parenting l337ness thread
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Busty St Clare
Ex-Bluelighter
My secret weapon when my son was born was my hammock. Admittedly he was, (and still is) a pretty chilled soul, but I would set him up next to me and we would swing and sing and just enjoy the view. It pissed his mother off no end that I could spend three hours reading the Sunday paper while she was having her "time out". Some how she wished me to be in a crazy tizz trying to look after him.
The hard part is when they are being breast fed only because you do feel kind of left out. The best thing is when they take the bottle as well as the boob because it means anyone other than mum can look after him. Some mothers do become over possesive though and this can be hard for the dad. The thing you have to tell the mum is babies do bounce and there is no wrong way to put on a nappy (until it leaks all over you.
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The hard part is when they are being breast fed only because you do feel kind of left out. The best thing is when they take the bottle as well as the boob because it means anyone other than mum can look after him. Some mothers do become over possesive though and this can be hard for the dad. The thing you have to tell the mum is babies do bounce and there is no wrong way to put on a nappy (until it leaks all over you.
)
Samadhi
Bluelight Crew
Yep- he's the youngest of 8 and all of his brothers/sisters have had at least 2 kids. They are all amazing, adorable, cheeky and some of the most well-behaved children i have ever had the pleasure of being around (it also helps that i'm the awesome-cool new official aunty and i was smothered with hugs and kisses at the wedding
) The oldest is almost 18 and the youngest is almost 4 months old (SO CUTE).
slushy muddy water
Bluelighter
i was young when i had my little one, eighteen years young to be exact, and i was absolutely terrified. i wasnt even able to hold babies at 9 months pregnant because i was so afraid of dropping them or making them cry.
when the pain came barreling into the small of my back i knew but didnt know what was happening. i laid on the living room floor eating applebee's ribs between contractions.
om nom nom
"gah! oww!"
nom nom
"ow! OW!"
nom nom
10 hours of labor and three pushes later i had the first baby ever to enter my arms but not before a little complication. she had the cord wrapped around her neck and her heart rate dropped. they rotated her by pushing and pulling my stomach but she was blue when she came out. thankfully that happens more often than not and my panic subsided when her color returned. hearing that tiny cry was so beautiful and calming. i would never be able to describe it correctly.
now she's a 1st grader and tells me my hair smells like love. all the world is wrapped in her i love you's and my heart plays in the backyard.
when the pain came barreling into the small of my back i knew but didnt know what was happening. i laid on the living room floor eating applebee's ribs between contractions.
om nom nom
"gah! oww!"
nom nom
"ow! OW!"
nom nom
10 hours of labor and three pushes later i had the first baby ever to enter my arms but not before a little complication. she had the cord wrapped around her neck and her heart rate dropped. they rotated her by pushing and pulling my stomach but she was blue when she came out. thankfully that happens more often than not and my panic subsided when her color returned. hearing that tiny cry was so beautiful and calming. i would never be able to describe it correctly.
now she's a 1st grader and tells me my hair smells like love. all the world is wrapped in her i love you's and my heart plays in the backyard.
I been learnin alot and makin plans for how I want to deliver my son....I am pretty appalled at the standard statistix for c-sections, episiotimies, epidurals, etc in the US. Its really fucked up the way the system works here. So much of the standard hospital birth process is designed to be easier and more convenient for the doctors not the mothers.
Did you know that in the US, c-section rates rise on fridays, and the days before holidays?
When my mom had my sister, her doctor tried to induce her like 2-3 weeks early. "Well, since youre here, lets just induce you now and do a c-section--Im leaving on vacation tomorrow, so lets just get this done now, why dont we?"
Its sickening and Im a lil down about the fact that since I am on methadone and my lil man may need to detox , I cant have him at the birthing center that i wanted to. I really wanted him to be delivered by midwives not a OBGYN. Im stuck with the good old regular-ass hospital. Im worried becuz i know all the shit they try to push on you, and I aint havin it. I aint fucking havin it yall. I will not lay there with a fetal monitor and a IV, forced to lay on my back and not move around. I will not be induced. I will not let them tell me I cant eat or drink while I am in labor there. I absolutely will not have a c-section unless my sons life is in immediate, imminent, definite danger, not just some vague possibility that "might" or "could" happen. I will not get an epidural (I CANT even get one anyways, due to bein on methadone--the drugs they use are mixed agonist-antagonists, which would cause me and the baby to go into precipitated withdrawals) and i wont get no damn episiotomy. If its gonna tear, let it fuckin tear. you aint cuttin me up like that.
I know I got a uphill battle ahead since all those things are the standard practice and basically the shit that most doctors just expect you will comply with, but I aint backin down. I wish i could just have my son at home with a midwife. All these interventions and bullshit that they push on you are the reason that the US is number 21 ranked with infant mortality rates in the developed world. We got all this technology but there is 20 nations above us with better infant mortality rates. In countries like Holland and Denmark, 1 in 3 babies is born at home, and they are at the top of the list of the best rates of infant survival in childbirth, etc. Im so sick of childbirth gettin treated like this fuckin medical emergency instead of a natural part of life that a womans body inherently knows how to do. sure, sometimes intervention is necessary when there is a serious problem. but the problem with the system in the US is that alot of the treatment just causes more problems that needs more tretment and it goes on and on. Im a lil worried about the shit I got ahed of me knowin wat im up against. Im workin on a birth plan to put in my file tho, and in 2 wks at my next appt I am gonna talk in depth with the dr about their policies and make sure they know where i stand and dont try to push nothing that I dont want onto me. Im about 35 weeks now....I got like 5-6 weeks to go!:D
Did you know that in the US, c-section rates rise on fridays, and the days before holidays?
When my mom had my sister, her doctor tried to induce her like 2-3 weeks early. "Well, since youre here, lets just induce you now and do a c-section--Im leaving on vacation tomorrow, so lets just get this done now, why dont we?"
Its sickening and Im a lil down about the fact that since I am on methadone and my lil man may need to detox , I cant have him at the birthing center that i wanted to. I really wanted him to be delivered by midwives not a OBGYN. Im stuck with the good old regular-ass hospital. Im worried becuz i know all the shit they try to push on you, and I aint havin it. I aint fucking havin it yall. I will not lay there with a fetal monitor and a IV, forced to lay on my back and not move around. I will not be induced. I will not let them tell me I cant eat or drink while I am in labor there. I absolutely will not have a c-section unless my sons life is in immediate, imminent, definite danger, not just some vague possibility that "might" or "could" happen. I will not get an epidural (I CANT even get one anyways, due to bein on methadone--the drugs they use are mixed agonist-antagonists, which would cause me and the baby to go into precipitated withdrawals) and i wont get no damn episiotomy. If its gonna tear, let it fuckin tear. you aint cuttin me up like that.
I know I got a uphill battle ahead since all those things are the standard practice and basically the shit that most doctors just expect you will comply with, but I aint backin down. I wish i could just have my son at home with a midwife. All these interventions and bullshit that they push on you are the reason that the US is number 21 ranked with infant mortality rates in the developed world. We got all this technology but there is 20 nations above us with better infant mortality rates. In countries like Holland and Denmark, 1 in 3 babies is born at home, and they are at the top of the list of the best rates of infant survival in childbirth, etc. Im so sick of childbirth gettin treated like this fuckin medical emergency instead of a natural part of life that a womans body inherently knows how to do. sure, sometimes intervention is necessary when there is a serious problem. but the problem with the system in the US is that alot of the treatment just causes more problems that needs more tretment and it goes on and on. Im a lil worried about the shit I got ahed of me knowin wat im up against. Im workin on a birth plan to put in my file tho, and in 2 wks at my next appt I am gonna talk in depth with the dr about their policies and make sure they know where i stand and dont try to push nothing that I dont want onto me. Im about 35 weeks now....I got like 5-6 weeks to go!:D
LoveAlways
Bluelighter
That is so sweet!!! I have a swing for my son, everytime i put him in it i think I wish I could get in there with him!
I love that my son takes to my husband so well! He looks at him like he's his hero its absolutely adorable! I definately think its due in part to us switching to formula, they both love feeding time! If they are in the same room together my sons eyes stay on his daddy! its so cute!
Lacey, I think its awesome that you're trying to do everything as natural as possible! I agree that csections are way too overdone these days. Coming from someone who went through that experience, please dont beat yourself up (or anyone else for that matter!! lol) if things dont go exactly how you want them to
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
And try not to stress about it too much these upcoming weeks (omg!) that shit most definately passes on to the baby!! The last thing you need is a stressed out newborn!!! 
lacey that's fantastic you're going into this informed and not as a deer in headlights. if any doc tries to push a c-sec on you to increase his stats, kick the prick in the face. 
we're in our 18th week and the belly expansion just kicked in. :D
we're in our 18th week and the belly expansion just kicked in. :D
LoveAlways
Bluelighter
I gotta say, sometimes parenthood just sucks...my daughter has pnumonia AND an ear infection, its so much worse to see some(tiny)one you love be in pain then to experience it yourself, I haven't slept in 3 days, my son just shat ALL OVER my comforter and smiled about it lol...well i guess its not that bad
Busty St Clare
Ex-Bluelighter
Try living an hour away from your kids. I'd give anything to be there when they spew or wake up crying in the night. 
^^ Aww mate, I can only imagine how hard that must be sometimes, and how much it just plain sucks.
BUT at least you get to see them at all. I am 100% positive you are very grateful for the time you get with them
My boyfriend's dad has a son with a different woman other than my boyfriend's mum, and the bitch of a woman gave birth to my boyfriend's half-brother, promptly kicked my boyfriend's dad out of their house for no real reason, and got some kind of court order to say that he wasn't allowed to see their son at all. It took about 2 years for them to work it all out through the court system, until eventually my boyfriend's dad was allowed to see his son for a few hours every second weekend.
How fucking horrible is that
Clearly this woman just used him to get another baby out him, then fucked him off. But he continued to fight for more custody, and now his son is nearly 10 years old, and he gets to stay with his dad for the whole weekend, every second weekend. Much much bettter.
But my boyfriend's dad missed out on the entirety of his son's first 2 years of life, for no fault of his own. Horrible
Eeeeee that is so exciting!!
lacey good on you hun for sticking to your guns about what you want to do regarding your son's delivery. I really hope it all works out to your hopes/plans. BUT as LA said, if something doesn't go to plan, don't let it stress you out or be hard on yourself about it. You are going to do brilliantly.
Disclaimer: lacey please don't read this part if you're nervous about episiotomies, I just have a general question about it, and I don't want to make you worry or think too much about it, k?
BUT at least you get to see them at all. I am 100% positive you are very grateful for the time you get with them
My boyfriend's dad has a son with a different woman other than my boyfriend's mum, and the bitch of a woman gave birth to my boyfriend's half-brother, promptly kicked my boyfriend's dad out of their house for no real reason, and got some kind of court order to say that he wasn't allowed to see their son at all. It took about 2 years for them to work it all out through the court system, until eventually my boyfriend's dad was allowed to see his son for a few hours every second weekend.
How fucking horrible is that
Clearly this woman just used him to get another baby out him, then fucked him off. But he continued to fight for more custody, and now his son is nearly 10 years old, and he gets to stay with his dad for the whole weekend, every second weekend. Much much bettter.
But my boyfriend's dad missed out on the entirety of his son's first 2 years of life, for no fault of his own. Horrible
Eeeeee that is so exciting!!
lacey good on you hun for sticking to your guns about what you want to do regarding your son's delivery. I really hope it all works out to your hopes/plans. BUT as LA said, if something doesn't go to plan, don't let it stress you out or be hard on yourself about it. You are going to do brilliantly.
Disclaimer: lacey please don't read this part if you're nervous about episiotomies, I just have a general question about it, and I don't want to make you worry or think too much about it, k?
NSFW:
As much as I try, I can't seem to develop a taste for the Kool-aid you parents are drinking.
In my mind, nothing separates my theoretical child, from any other child. I always thought I might adopt a child I like, because there's lots of children I don't like.. and realistically, mine could turn out to be one of them.
I think there's something wrong with me. I just don't get it.
I mean, what will make my kid any better, or more special than anyone else's? Sure, my partner and I are both free of allergies, physical/mental limitations or any other major congenital problems that would complicate the quality of a child's life. So a part of me thinks if our genetic contribution passes inspection, we should go ahead and make a baby. You know, for the good of mankind.. or something. But I've yet to meet a parent who even considered their genetic stock first. So that can't really be it either. So what is it?
The conclusion I've come to is probably the last one I would have come to naturally. That is, the idea of creating a smaller person in my own image. The idea strikes me as freakish, and maniacally self-centred at its very core, yet the idea of separating my ego from my child's identity seems to be contrary to what every parent around me is doing.
When I ask for an explanation from parents, for them to spell out how this all makes sense in their heads, I'm met with everything ranging from hostility, to bafflement. Paradoxically, I've even been called selfish for not having children, while parents see themselves as selfless. Yet, everything I've observed makes me think that having a child is almost entirely about the parents' feelings and priorities.
Someone should write a book, carefully pathologizing the parental mindset. I'd buy one.
In my mind, nothing separates my theoretical child, from any other child. I always thought I might adopt a child I like, because there's lots of children I don't like.. and realistically, mine could turn out to be one of them.
I think there's something wrong with me. I just don't get it.
I mean, what will make my kid any better, or more special than anyone else's? Sure, my partner and I are both free of allergies, physical/mental limitations or any other major congenital problems that would complicate the quality of a child's life. So a part of me thinks if our genetic contribution passes inspection, we should go ahead and make a baby. You know, for the good of mankind.. or something. But I've yet to meet a parent who even considered their genetic stock first. So that can't really be it either. So what is it?
The conclusion I've come to is probably the last one I would have come to naturally. That is, the idea of creating a smaller person in my own image. The idea strikes me as freakish, and maniacally self-centred at its very core, yet the idea of separating my ego from my child's identity seems to be contrary to what every parent around me is doing.
When I ask for an explanation from parents, for them to spell out how this all makes sense in their heads, I'm met with everything ranging from hostility, to bafflement. Paradoxically, I've even been called selfish for not having children, while parents see themselves as selfless. Yet, everything I've observed makes me think that having a child is almost entirely about the parents' feelings and priorities.
Someone should write a book, carefully pathologizing the parental mindset. I'd buy one.
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The difference is not that your child will actually BE any better or more special than other kids, it's that you will LOVE your own child more than anything else in the world. And in that respect, your child will automatically be better than any other person's child, in your eyes
Maybe your parenting instinct will kick in at some stage, next year, in 5 years, in 20 years, whenever. Or maybe it just won't, because some people just don't want kids, and that is totally fine as well! No-one is forcing you to procreate haha.
But if you feel like it is something you want to do, I'm pretty sure once you are actually holding your baby in your arms, this whole parenting inclination that people seem to have will alllllll make sense
And I'm not even a parent yet!! :D
I understand that a child can thrive in the middle of a happy obsession, and I understand the biological mechanisms that drive procreation.. I just can't rationalize where it all comes from.
Is there a spiritual element? I am open to that sort of thing..
Is there a spiritual element? I am open to that sort of thing..
I think you're trying to analyse it too heavily, like there is a set list of rules and guidelines to wanting a child and becoming a parent.
There just isn't man
You want to rationalise it?? It's called hormones, which of course are determined by genetics. That's it, plain and simple.
Like I said, if you feel it, you feel it. If you don't, then don't have a baby.
BUT, if your partner wants a baby and you have conflicting interests, then you need to more seriously look in to the situation.
(Note: I'm not saying that's what you were suggesting exactly, just adding comic effect).
So if you're think that having babies is supposed to be for the good of mankind......it's probably the opposite.
But then you have to consider your own personal fulfillment. And if having babies will mean that you feel content and satisfied that you have lived a good life, then it's what you do
There just isn't man
You want to rationalise it?? It's called hormones, which of course are determined by genetics. That's it, plain and simple.
Like I said, if you feel it, you feel it. If you don't, then don't have a baby.
BUT, if your partner wants a baby and you have conflicting interests, then you need to more seriously look in to the situation.
I think you'd be surprised mate. The very act of choosing a partner is a function of our subconscious (and conscious) approval of the other person's genetic supriority. Obviously there's a lot of conscious choice and other factors that go in to it as well, but people don't just blindly root any old person and have babies everywhere :DCyc said:
(Note: I'm not saying that's what you were suggesting exactly, just adding comic effect).
Something that I have personally been pondering for the last couple of years, despite the fact that I am ridiculously desperate to have a baby and my biological clock is fucking going off like nobody's biznizz, the fact of the matter is that our planet is fucking MASSIVELY OVERPOPULATED. I have seriously contemplated not having any children of my own as a sacrifice to help save the planet, despite how much I want kids and how much I think they will positively add to the human gene pool.Cyc said:
So if you're think that having babies is supposed to be for the good of mankind......it's probably the opposite.
But then you have to consider your own personal fulfillment. And if having babies will mean that you feel content and satisfied that you have lived a good life, then it's what you do
Busty St Clare
Ex-Bluelighter
What makes my kids special? Me of course (well 50% me anyway). Sure I could have got one off the shelf but really have you seen what's on offer? All those excess big belly kids without the good sense to even brush away the flies from their own face? Not to mention I have to wait even longer than 9 months with the added disadvantage of not even getting a load away.
I could pass on my love of speed metal and appreciation of fine wines to any old kid, and I could teach anyone the intricacies of the rugby scrum but only my own brood will have the same freckle on my little toe and the love hate relationship of the St Clare curly hair.
In short, blood is thicker than adoption.
I could pass on my love of speed metal and appreciation of fine wines to any old kid, and I could teach anyone the intricacies of the rugby scrum but only my own brood will have the same freckle on my little toe and the love hate relationship of the St Clare curly hair.
In short, blood is thicker than adoption.
In the US, about 80% or more of women get episiotomies. They aint done when there is a definite need, but they are done as a matter of standard routine becuz it makes it quicker and easier for the doctor to deliver the baby.
When you tear while delivering, its usually a tear to the superficial layer of tissue. It dont go very deep. When they cut an episiotomy, they make a deeeep cut, deep into the muscle, all the way to the butt. When you tear, the body can repair it much, much easier than a deep surgical wound.
Imagine if you try to break a piece of wood in half. It would be hard. Now cut the piece of wood in half, glue it back together, and try to break it now. It breaks much easier. when the body is able to heal a wound on its own, that area of tissue aint no weaker after than it was before. But when the episiotomy heals becuz of the deep nature of the cut it disrupts the integrity of the muscle tissue all the way down and will never be 100% again.
Not only that, but the recovery period from an episiotimy is long. The risk of infection goes up becuz you have a wound cut into you right on the perineum--imagine being constipated and tryin to go to the bathroom, while you got a raw wound and stitches right in that are? Its so incredibly painful, and to have a healing wound right there by that area means its much harder to keep clean than your average stitches. Having one can make it much harder for the mother to care for her child during the first month or two becuz it can take 6 weeks to heal up. that just adds more stress if your mans at work all day and you got the weight of all the child care on your own but can barely move around.
Episiotomys also can cause sexual problems. There is a lot of nerve endings in the area that is cut, and disrupting the tissue like that all the way deep down can cause loss of feeling, painful sex, and other sexually related problems. I aint saying that EVERYBODY who gets one is totally fucked up for life. Lots of women get them and are just fine and aint got no problem havin sex later on, but there are risks and problems that some women will have to deal with after havin one, and if you didnt need it in the first place, ending up with that shit to deal with aswell just sucks. I mean there are legitimate reasons that you might need to do one, and in that case you deal with the problems tht come with it becuz its for a good cause. But Im just talking about the unnecessary ones.
If you NEED the cut, then these side effects are balanced out by the need for the surgery and the good it will do.
But im just pointin out that if you DONT need it, then its horrible to take on all these other side effects for no damn reason. you feel me?
one of the main reasons that doctors will cut you is becuz its easier to stitch a straight cut than an irregular tear. For them, its just about convenience. It requires much more skill to sew up a tear in that area than it does to just suture a straight line.
Other countries got faaaaaaar lower episiotomy rates than the US. In europe, IIRC, the rate is around 10%. In the us the doctors are just crazy for it. Everything is geared to make shit quicker easier and more convenient for them including cuttin up women.
Certain techniques, like massaging the perineum with olive oil for the weeks leading up to birth and during labor, can almost completely prevent tearing. One of the free standing birthing centers that was profiled in the book Im readin right now delivered a 11 lb 4 oz baby naturally with no cut, with no tearing watsoever.
Tearing if it happens, is a natural process of birth. Episiotomy aint. If ima tear, let me fuckin tear, and that shit will be resolved. Nobody comin near me with a fuckin scalpel like that.
Im so glad that my moms gonna be there with me. She went thru 3 births with no epidural, and 2 of them with no episiotomy, and one of them at a natural birthing center outside the hospital. She got cut when she had me, the oldest, becuz the doctor didnt tell her wat he was doing, or ask for her permission, he just cut. She swore after that she was never havin one again. She had both of my sisters without one. With my youngest sister she said she had a little bit of tearing but it healed up just fine. With my middle sister there was no tearing at all. After she had both of them, she was up and walking around immediately after givin birth. She knows this shit from personal experience that it aint necessary to do all these crazy interventions, and Im so glad that I can have her by my side to help me advocate for my rights. I aint a quiet girl and I will tell somebody the fuck off. But havin the strenth of another older person there who knows the kind of shit they do from experience, when i am in the vulnerable state of labor will make it alot easier for me to make sure they know where I stand and not fuck witih my wishes.
A lot of women don't have the time to breastfeed. I know plenty of coworkers who have their nannies formula feed because the mother has to get back to her career asap, theyre both single mothers.
Regardless of if its a better option or not, some women dont have the time to feed their child 3 times a day or w/e and dont have a husband bringing in an income. These girls gotta get back to work to provide, it sucks, but most forumula companies market to these types of mothers because their the ones that use it the most.
Regardless of if its a better option or not, some women dont have the time to feed their child 3 times a day or w/e and dont have a husband bringing in an income. These girls gotta get back to work to provide, it sucks, but most forumula companies market to these types of mothers because their the ones that use it the most.
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