the bluelight preconception, pregnancy and parenting l337ness thread

[LoveAlways]

Did anyone else struggle with finding pregnancy less wonderful than you expected?

I've had an uncomplicated pregnancy so far, nausea most of the time but no actual vomiting, and a supportive partner and boss, and I've looked forward my whole life to having a baby and becoming a mum. But there are days where I think things like, "If I miscarried, I wouldn't really mind" or where I'm sad to be leaving behind the days of it being just the two of us. As I get up to pee for the 4th time at night I think "Really? Is this what it's going to be like?"

It's not all day every day, and so I don't think it's prenatal depression. It's just this... ambivalence.

Can anyone relate or give me some advice?

BTW hi to all the other Aussies on this thread, there are heaps of us here!

I totally feel you. And then of course there's the impeding...live, dirty, crying baby that is on its way!! thats what i could never get off my mind. Its definately difficult. I mean it does get better, of course it does, when that baby looks up and smiles at you, or says "mama" for the first time omg it makes everything all worth it. But there will always be those other times when you wish you could go back to waking up 4 times a night only to pee because now your only getting 4 hours of broken sleep wondering if this thing will EVER shut up! Its been over 2 yrs since i've gotten a good nights sleep, i keep saying maybe when they go to college i'll remember what real sleep feels like. Thats not to say motherhood isn't beautiful! wonderful! totally amazing! i heard someone somewhere (maybe here) say its great 95% of the time, so just dont focus on the 5% and you'll be good.

 

[User Name Here]

fwiw, i pretty much can't stand babies. i mean, i had never even really held a newborn until i had my own. like damien, i don't really care about kids unless it's my own. they're ok i guess, but i could think of about 1,000 different things that i'd rather do than go to some other person's one year old birthday party. i do absolutely love hanging out with chicken scratch junior though. he's hysterical, to me at least.

Me too! Here I am seven weeks pregnant and I still have little experience with children. I'm hoping these motherly instincts people keep talking about really kick in when I have the baby (which is due on Oct. 17th)!

When people hand me their kids I'm like, "Um, how do I hold this thing? I don't wanna drop it... Do I need to hold its head up or what?" I've always been so awkward around kids, especially little ones (think ages three to ten). I just never know what to say to them or how to make them laugh like most people do...

Honestly, it freaks me out because I need to get in mommy mode but most of me says, "Relax. You'll know what to do when the time comes... every mom does."

Please, BL, tell me there are some other people out there who feel (felt) my anxiety only to realize that they are indeed good with children!

P.S.: At least my husband is EXCELLENT with children. If I totally suck at life and can't hack it he's at least a child magnet pretty much. Kids love him. When it comes to me, they seem to smell my fear and end up just staring... Hahaha.

 

[User Name Here]

The husband and I have officially set up a college fund and will be dropping $200 a month into it as of two days ago. Having this taken care of makes me feel REALLY good... I don't know many couples who start a college fund when they're only seven weeks pregnant (or at all, for the matter) so I feel like we've got a nice head start!

We definitely want the best for this baby =)

What about you guys? How are you going about paying for college? We went through Fannie Mae's upromise site after a lot of research. The way it works is, you set up an account that garners interest like any other normal account but you also shop through this web site. You can shop literally ANYWHERE (from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Best Buy to local restaurants) but what you do is go through this web site first and they take 2-4% of your bill and add it to the college fund. Now we will buy all of our electronics, baby stuff, furniture, etc. through this site so we can throw back even more money into the account. It almost sounds too good to be true and although it's very new we decided to go with it because it has great reviews so far. I guess if we ever feel wary of it for some reason we can always up and transfer the funds but I don't see that happening since it's run by Fannie Mae which is a very respectable organization.

 

[Samadhi]

^ We've been discussing/reworking our financial plan to include a monthly saving for our future bub. We're fortunate here in Australia that students can pay off their university tuition by way of the HECS-HELP loan, and after discussions, we've decided that if our prospective child wants to attend university, then this route (with our help) will be encouraged. We will, however, be looking at setting up a fund for them - or purchasing a small unit. I have the feeling that if we keep money in savings, we may end up with nothing in 18 years, however if we buy property, it may fare better.

I feel the same as you, UNH - we are probably over-thinking about this a lot (considering i'm not even pregnant yet), but we just want the best for our child/children - better than we had it. These are only beginning thoughts, however, we're still thinking about how best to help out in the future. One thing we both feel very strongly about is that our kids will learn the value of earning a living and will learn to save. It's such an important thing - my niece and nephew are brilliant at saving, it's wonderful to see.

 

[User Name Here]

Sam, I couldn't agree more. My husband and I came from two very different backgrounds. He had to start working at 15 to pay for his mom's rent whereas I had everything handed to me which later handicapped me as an adult. My parents cut me off when I was 19 after I left school to be with a guy back home (how stupid of me... heh) and I had NO fucking clue what to do! I got my first real job, started paying my bills, got my own place, etc. but it was so much harder than it should've been. Had my parents taught me a lot more when I was younger that transition from teen to adult would've been much smoother and I wouldn't have ended up in $3,000 worth of debt off the bat (which is paid off now, thank god).

So, as a result of our experiences, we've decided we want our child to know that we support what he or she wants in life but that they will have to work for it themselves.

I think a job in high school is a great experience because they have to learn some real adult-like responsibilities but still have the training wheels on in every other area of life, you know? If they want a car, they can work for it. If they want a cell phone, they can work for it. Of course we want to make our child comfortable but I feel like kids are waaaaaaaaaay too spoiled these days. They don't appreciate shit... I never appreciated anything I had because I didn't have to pay for it out of pocket... Now I sure as hell do because it's on my dime We've decided that our kid will know their college will be paid for but ONLY if they maintain good grades. If they don't go to college, we'll just have to kill them =) And so on...

Basically, Sam, I agree with you and I think it's wonderful that you guys are putting so much thought into this already! I wish there were more parents out there like that. I feel like a lot of people don't plan far enough in advance and while I understand not everyone has the means to, that doesn't mean plans can't be set in place and yadda yadda yadda.

 

[Samadhi]

^ I feel exactly the same way I don't feel that we're mapping the exact path of a child that doesn't exist yet - but the fact is, we really want a baby, are trying for a baby, and hell, even my mum and dad put a little bit aside (what they could) when mum was pregnant. It didn't go far, but i've never forgotten my mum telling me about it, and the importance of thinking ahead when it comes to this kind of thing.

My husband has been integral in showing me how best to manage money - I knew that saving was important - it was just putting that into practice that i tended to fall behind I always paid bills on time, but he's shown me how to be really savvy with my (and now our) finances. He's really taught me the value of putting solid, long-term financial plans in place (for ourselves, and a future child). If we are unable to conceive, then this will go towards potential adoption, or costs around fostering children (something we will do down the track whether or not we have biological children). My husband had foster brothers and sisters, I had one, and we would love to provide that to kids, when we're in more of a position to do so.

 

[voxmystic]

Lacey -- Huggies FTW! Yeah, I know I should be kinder to the planet, but I don't have a washing machine, and I can't get one, because the catchment for this cabin barely keeps up with our needs now, and still goes dry every summer at least a few weeks, and freezes every winter for a few weeks. So, Huggies, it is. Hopefully there will eventually be enough pressure on the diaper companies that they start making unbleached, biodegradable diapers that still fit and work. So far, the only ones I've tried that were eco-friendly (7th Generation) didn't fit well, and leaked awful.

MP -- Congrats, and nice to see you here! You're not alone with the yuck-tummy; I've been surviving for a couple of weeks on smoothies and juice. I have to dilute them way down and sip slowly to avoid reflux. Tums helps a bit, but I'm probably just going to have to put up with it for a while. Bleah.

Conscious21 -- I DO struggle with that! This is my last pregnancy, and I keep telling myself that this is my last shot at the joys of pregnancy, but I'm just not feeling joyous much. I mean, I'm thrilled about the baby and all, but the physical condition of being pregnant is not fun this time. I've been moody, nauseous/heartburn-y, acne-afflicted, no energy, no sex drive, bulky, and anxious. I have to concentrate to not pee myself when I sneeze. I feel anti-social, but my husband doesn't, so he goes out once or twice a week and drinks with our friends, and I get jealous and depressed, even though I don't want to go. I want to strangle him when he smokes in the bathroom, because I have to pee every 5 minutes. It's cold as hell outside right now, and I understand that he doesn't want to freeze ass to get his stupid nic fix, and he does pay his share of bills and more, and should have a right to smoke in the place he pays for, but I still get pissed that he cares more about smoking a goddamn cigarette than about poisoning me, or our daughter, or our unborn baby. It's not right, or cool, but there it is. So, I kinda feel like I'm missing out on this wonderful opportunity to glow one last time. And I enjoy little moments here and there, but mostly, I just plain don't feel good.

UNH -- When I was pregnant the first time, I was only 17/18, and I actively disliked children. Didn't want to be pregnant. Didn't want my baby. I didn't even want to see her after I woke up from the c-section. But the nurse brought her to me anyway, and when I held that baby, suddenly the whole world lurched in it's path. Everything fell into place in one, crystalline instant. Young as I was, I was filled with tenderness and compassion and a fierce desire to protect and take care of my baby. So, yeah, maternal instinct probably will kick in, and you'll just know what to do. Quite an amazing feeling, really!

I'm 25&1/2 weeks now, and was just told that no doc in southeast Alaska will deliver a vaginal
birth after ceasarian. When I said that I'd have another unassisted birth before I'd be railroaded into unneccessary surgery, the doctor looked at me like I had 3 heads. Then she started backpedalling, saying that I was unique because I'd had 2 previous VBACs, so someone might work with me. Just more shit to stress over. Guess I'd better get off BL and start calling around....

 

[Mariposa]

Me too! Here I am seven weeks pregnant and I still have little experience with children. I'm hoping these motherly instincts people keep talking about really kick in when I have the baby (which is due on Oct. 17th)!

OMG congratulations, and also congratulations to Miss Peks! Sonogram photos, please!

UNH, you'll find it comes very naturally. Major kudos to you and Samadhi for planning ahead. Meeting with a personal financial planner (your bank can refer you to one; you'll know in the first meeting if he or she is reputable - trust your instincts!).

One of my friends recently became a first-time mother. I've babysat the newborn (water birth, no complications) as a measure of support so she can go out and have a bit of a break. I am an only child and I don't plan to be a mother anytime soon. I am an experienced babysitter for older children. What I do is a "football carry" and made sure I was able to support his head as I cradled his little head on my inner arm. I looked up the technique and this is the best tutorial I found.

Supporting the head and the buttocks is essential.

I have also carried the newborn in a sling. When I pick him up, I do it right under his shoulders and hold him over my shoulder before I do the "football carry". I hold him closely. He is breast-fed in general though when I babysit him, his mom leaves me a couple bottles of her milk. I also keep my hair away from him as he has a tendency to pull it if left to his own devices, and he nearly took my eye out once.

Regarding diapers, I really have no clue other than how to change one.

If I do not have my own child I will gladly adopt, and probably not from overseas. I would like to have my own child someday and experience pregnancy. I'm on medication that essentially prohibits that at present, so in a couple of years I will consider adoption. I have the career and support system in place. When I hit 30, I started really considering it and I definitely want to. I need to be healthy myself first.

to all of the present and future moms and dads in this thread.

 

[n3ophy7e]

When people hand me their kids I'm like, "Um, how do I hold this thing? I don't wanna drop it... Do I need to hold its head up or what?"

Don't worry about this hun, you will get taught how to hold a baby properly when you have prenatal classes and from the midwives at the hospital. Yes you need to hold their heads up because their neck muscles aren't strong enough to do it on their own, but once you're holding your own baby you will WANT to support it as much as possible so it will come naturally

And remember to always ask any questions you have to any professionals or other parents or anyone.

I've always been so awkward around kids, especially little ones (think ages three to ten). I just never know what to say to them or how to make them laugh like most people do...

When it's your own child, and when you've seen it grow up from a baby and you've interacted with it every single day, you are not going to be awkward when it's a young child

You're going to be a GREAT mum UNH!!

When I was pregnant the first time, I was only 17/18, and I actively disliked children. Didn't want to be pregnant. Didn't want my baby. I didn't even want to see her after I woke up from the c-section. But the nurse brought her to me anyway, and when I held that baby, suddenly the whole world lurched in it's path. Everything fell into place in one, crystalline instant. Young as I was, I was filled with tenderness and compassion and a fierce desire to protect and take care of my baby.

That is amazing hun! Thank you so much for sharing that with us

 

[TINK]

OK so I went to work this morning and there was a baby show invite on my desk for a coworker (I also used to work with her mom). I am always complaining that I don't have any friends because they are all married and having kids (prime example) but I am also not really that big on the whole baby thing. I just don't see it as a good time sitting around a buncha women talking about changing nasty diapers and how to keep their nipples from getting sore. The invitation says that the only thing the new mom needs is diapers and wipes, so I can't really just send a gift.

Should I just bite the bullet and spend the afternoon with these people I would otherwise never ever ever ever ever be around if they weren't co-workers?

 

[n3ophy7e]

I think it might be good to go even if it's just for the social aspect??

 

[ocean]

Tink- You COULD just send a gift, but sometimes putting yourself in a social situation that you normally wouldn't can be a learning experience- and you never know, you might meet someone you really hit it off with........
You may go in uncomfortable but come out with a greater appreciation for people you didn't before relate to well??????
Do what you feel is best for you, but popping in for a little while might be nice
You don't have to stay for the entire thing if you don't want to.

 

[LoveAlways]

Tink- You COULD just send a gift, but sometimes putting yourself in a social situation that you normally wouldn't can be a learning experience- and you never know, you might meet someone you really hit it off with........
You may go in uncomfortable but come out with a greater appreciation for people you didn't before relate to well??????
Do what you feel is best for you, but popping in for a little while might be nice
You don't have to stay for the entire thing if you don't want to.

I totally agree! If you end up feeling really uncomfortable you can always have an excuse to leave, but you never know, you might end up having a good time! My baby showers included lots of wine and chocolate, can't go wrong there. Plus my husband's hot friends were there, I'm sure my single friends loved that!

 

[LoveAlways]

Here I am seven weeks pregnant and I still have little experience with children. I'm hoping these motherly instincts people keep talking about really kick in when I have the baby

They will! Having a baby attached to you for 9 months you two really get to bond!! When the umbilical cord gets cut you wont be physically attached anymore but you will see that you are able to still feel what it is feeling and most likely the other way around. It comes naturally because its coming from you, essentially--does that make sense?

[When Malik was born, it freaked me out becuz from the first few days after I had him he could hold up his head. I always hold it up out of instinct but I really dont have to, and when I hold him up in a sitting position he holds his head up just fine like a grown up, and it aint just for a second or 2 before flopping down. Its the weirdest thing, he got some crazy neck muscles or somethin, I really dont know. I got a superbaby! LOL
/QUOTE]
Thats funny my son was the same way! I was like "woah! is this normal?!!"

 

[drugfukkdrockstar]

They will! Having a baby attached to you for 9 months you two really get to bond!! When the umbilical cord gets cut you wont be physically attached anymore but you will see that you are able to still feel what it is feeling and most likely the other way around. It comes naturally because its coming from you, essentially--does that make sense?

That makes perfect sense and I can totally understand how that will happen. I myself also wonder if ill know what to do, will i make a good mother, will i be a natural ...

I actually think i will be. Im a motherly sort of person so i have faith that i will just naturally pick up the motherly instincts and just ride with it.

Congrats UNH!!!! :D That's so awesome hun im very excited for you!!
You will make a great mum!

My hubby and i have our finances in check pretty good, so there's no issues with that. I guess the only thing id probably need to organise is private health cover. Maybe i should do that 'just in case'

While we are not desperately trying for a baby, we aren't using anything to prevent it. I have faith that if it is meant to happen it will happen at the right time.

I had a ping of feeling clucky today after seeing a friends gorgeous baby boy. Also we have other good friends staying at our place next weekend before they leave to move to Cairns and they are bringing their gorgeous baby boy with them to our place. This is NOT helping me with keeping my 'whatever happens' mentality in check All of a sudden i am surrounded by gorgeous baby boys!

 

[addictivepersona]

Should I just bite the bullet and spend the afternoon with these people I would otherwise never ever ever ever ever be around if they weren't co-workers?

TINK, as the others have said, I really think you should go, even if it's just for a little while. You never know if a coworker's going to bring a friend that you really hit it off with.

 

[n3ophy7e]

My baby showers included lots of wine and chocolate, can't go wrong there. Plus my husband's hot friends were there, I'm sure my single friends loved that!

Hun this is like the complete opposite of every baby shower I've ever been to!! I don't want to scare Tink off the idea of going to her friend's baby shower because you never know, it could be exactly like what you've described LA.

But all of the baby showers I've ever been to have been so fucking painful to endure!! Completely self-indulgent and boring. No boys allowed, no alcohol, having to play all these stupid little games and shit. At the last one I went to (for my boyfriend's sister, I love her don't get me wrong) she invited about 60 women so she received so many presents it was sickening. Literally MOUNTAINS of gifts, and the gift I bought her (one of those cool playmat things) she received FOUR OTHERS just like it. Seriously, what the fuck?! The whole time at the party I hid in the corner with my boyfriend's mum and aunty and we just chatted amongst ourselves, then left early.

My sisters never had baby showers like that because it's not their thing (they're like me, of course). One sister didn't have a baby shower at all, and for my other sister we all (my sisters and my mum and a few friends) went to High Tea one afternoon. Plain and simple

 

[drugfukkdrockstar]

^I am totally hearing ya Rosie - baby showers do not interest me one bit! They sure are boring, rather painful, awkward... not for me! I also don't like the whole expecting presents idea. I was the same with our wedding too, it's just the way we are as the hubby couldn't care less about gifts.

If I were to do something at all it would be just a dinner, or a picnic somewhere nice. No silly game playing and no gifts will be expected. Just a nice afternoon eating food would suit me fine.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I am not overly fond of any type of shower unless it has a cool theme and is something different. MUST WE WATCH THE GIFT OPENING? MUST THERE BE SILLY GAMES? I say no but to each their own. I prefer them at a restaurant than in a home. I find it is easier to zip in and zip out.

TINK
You do not have to go. Nor should you feel guilted into going.
Perhaps they invited you to be polite? Was every woman invited at work?
If you like this co-worker, buy a gift anyway and give her to her personally.

 

[AmorRoark]

Haha, I had to help organize my sister's baby shower. I have to admit it was pretty lame but it made my sister happy and that's the point, I think. I've not attended baby showers in the past and didn't feel guilty about it at all. A couple people chose not to attend my sister's and nobody gave any thought about it. How is it really all that different from any other party? I say you don't have to go... especially if this is just a co-worker and not a friend. If she's a close friend I'd say the polite thing to do would be to probably attend for some time. Otherwise, I wouldn't sweat it.