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The Big & Dandy Ego Death Thread

Re: Ego death on weed?

Bludda said:
I just wanted to ask a question of those in the know about an experience I had last year that still affects me to this day.

Just for background info, I'ver tried heaps of drugs - with psychedelic drugs, particularly 2Ci (Bermuda triangles?) being my favourite. I've smoked weed for years, having only recently stopped as a result of this experience. I have had (fairly minor) issues with anxiety in the past.

To be brief: Last year I had a buckety at my house with my girlfriend and some friends. I'd been away working in the Flinders Rangers with my girlfriend and had been driving all night to get home. Apart from being a bit tired I was in a great headspace, and having a fun time. We didn't have much weed so we thought bucketys would be the best way to make use of what we had.

Like most on these forums, I've smoked heroic amounts in my time, and this is what puzzles me about this experience.

After sucking down ONE fairly large buckety, I found myself getting ridiculously fucked. Fucked beyond just the simple magnification of the effects of weed.

I didn't start freking out as such - I'd had enough experience with drugs to be able to keep a grip, albeit a shaking and sweaty one. The battle was within my head. I was tripping harder than I have ever tripped before. This is the sort of thing that was happening to me:

<Look at arms> Arms are a box are a man running up my arms are boxes are a man running up my.... (repeats)

All i had control of was one little Morpehus-like voice amid the maelstrom, that kept trying to tell the rest of my mind that everyhting was ok - I was after all, on drugs. I tried, breathing, centering myself, detaching my desire to rationalise what was happening.... it wasn't working.

I could feel my organs squirming inside me. My breath felt like it was on fire. Everything felt horrible. This wasn't the worst bit for me, coz it was just like a bad trip. The next bit is the 'worst' bit.

Eventually I entered this state where I could feel my sense of self eroding. It started with everything i knew about social protocol evaporating. Actions stopped making sense. Memories of what to do and how to behave evaporated. All sense of the past and future began to unravel. If I was an onion, layers of my skin were being peeled slowly and painfully away. After much ripping and tearing, I was eventually reduced to a single desire - the desire to keep existing. Staying alive had no meaning anymore.... i had no idea what death was... all I knew was that I had to keep existing. At this point I was barely an "I", just a desire and a sense of terror.

Then this desire evaporated. There was just awareness. No "I", no "self". Awareness was everything. Everything was everything - if that makes any sense.

After a time (could have been microseconds, could have been eternities), there was the realisation that there was existence. This suddenly gave "I" a reference point. I know this sounds corny, but this was a state of "I am".

It is at this point I believe my 'self' began recontructing itself again, because the "I am" began identifying itself against what it was not. I felt like a baby. Layers of onion skin began to reform. At some juncture here I realised that while my sense of "I" ceased at some point, my awareness never did.

I have skimped on some points, but this is the general gist of what happened to me. In retrospect, it was an amazing (yet painful and scary) experience. I didn't not seek it or want it to happen while it was happening.
Before this experience, I had not heard about ego death occurring on weed.

What I want to know is, was this a real ego death? Is this similar in anyway to ego death? And why did it occur on a fairly tame amount of weed?

Having read these forums I understand there are people here who have truly experienced what I only think I may have...

As far as my own personal development and sense of spirituality is concerned, I need to integrate this experience.... and I need help doing that.

Whether it was real, or I just had a bad trip, it was humbling, to say the least.


Sorry for ranting on a bit, any illumination would be greatly appreciated.


Respect and peace
Click to expand...

personally, I don't think our opinion really matters. If it was real to you, and made a point in your life, then it was what it was to you. I've experienced ego death numerous amounts of times on psychedelics, and once on cannabis. As yourself, I've had loads of smoking experience by that time, and it took my by utter surprise. Like you said, I was tripping more intensely than ever before. The whole experience lasted around 3 hours.

Ps. I smoked cannabis for 4 years, and it always was "just weed". Then, after doing a spiritual workshop, and smoking it green (without tobaco), for the first time, did I truly understand cannabis. The above experience, occured 2 months after i converted to smoking un-mixed cannabis.
 
Yeah also, although your rational mind might think "whats wrong with me? how or why does WEED do this to me? am I wierd? why have i not heard of this happening to other people smoking weed? help ahh!".

A lot of people smoke their weed daily, it works for them and they do it because of whatever it does to them that they like.

I smoke DMT sorta like a pothead smokes their pot. Most can't understand how I can whip out a bowl of DMT and just fire it up like its weed. "Thats crazy." "What?" etc. Its ok though, they don't have to understand, I use DMT because of what it does to me - I can toke it or eat some with harmaline or whatever and go about my "normal business" like a stoner smokes pot and goes to work or whatever. I smoke pot sometimes usually only just a little, because well.. its what works for me.

Anyway, i gotta recommend this book, its what i've been doing like CRAZY for especially the last week or so. We're going to get another stack (last stack I bought is gone i gave them all away) and take one, rip out each page scan it and make a PDF file to put up online because I know people won't go order it for 11 bucks online (i've mailed a couple copies to people, and.. blown away, like everyone) :)

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=214766&r=59
%)
 
Yeah this book has been recommended to me many times. I am still yet to get a copy.
 
I experienced 'death' from a really bad weed session last night. It's pretty much comparable to what you have said. In this 2 hours of pure torture i would get 10-20 minute attacks of death, it would stop and then come again after a 5 minute rest. The feeling of your body in a dark dark place decaying away while you feel your soul slowly leaving your body. the thoughts of "This is death" and "this is the last five minutes of your life ran through my head at fast speeds. The mind fuck was crazy.

Holding on was the only thing I could do. The feeling of dieing is beyond compare to anything i've ever felt. It made me wonder why I do drugs and why should I risk my life over a few hours of enjoyment.

Here is a report that is exactly what i experinced and would probably sound correct to you.

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=7873
http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=10187
Good to see this thread here guys and I hope you took this experience to improve yourself in the life we choose.
 
i died last night.

the effects are unimaginably powerful. im kind of confused, and would like to hear from the experiences of others that have undergone this, incredible, incredible, rebirth.

substances, or rather, the chemical keys consumed were -

224 heavenly blue morning glory seeds extracted with water
600g poppy seed tea
medium amounts of cannabis (considering my tolerance at the time, curiously - i smoked a very small amount of cannabis today and found it was almost as if tolerance no longer exists) consumed at various intervals especially during the comeup


regards,

me
 
Do you think the ego really exists tho? Or is it just another theory of Freuds that's really a load of shit like most of his other theories?
 
I like Freud's model of id, ego, and superego, although it is obviously an extremely simplified model of the human psyche. Recently I found this article that IMO illustrates pretty nicely the essence of the ego, the function of it and how to gain control over it instead of letting it control you. I've never experience ego-death myself, but it appears to be a very real experience where this filter is completely bypassed and the only thing that's left is your core existence, your real self.

I think Carl Jung went a great way in expanding the Freud's model by introducing concepts such as the Self, collective unconscious, archetypes, intro- and extraversion, synchronicity and so on (although some of those concepts are unrelated to Freud's model). I'm a great fan of his work, and also Freud's, although admittedly some of his ideas were somewhat screwed up.
 
Dalfir said:
Is ego death basically the positive/blissful aspect of depersonalisation?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't say so. Often times, ego death can be terrifying and quite disconcerting. I know the first time I experienced it, I certainly didn't feel "blissful".

"I" simply was no more. I couldn't remember that I had ever been a human being that had ingested a chemical; the most disconcerting thing about it is that I was constantly trying to figure out what I was and what was going on. It was terrifying at first, until I just let the sensation take complete control over me, and thats when shit got really intense. Interestingly enough, I finally came to the conclusion that I am just a mind--and that everything around me is also just my mind, and in that way is also just me, and commutatively, I am just everything--my girlfriend is my mind, my mother is my mind, the earth is my mind, the vast cosmos is my mind.....

The most profound aspect of ego-death, however, at least to me, was the hands-on learning experience of truly what it means to live in a relative universe. When you have no "I" as a base from which to relate to the world, its like trying to climb out of quicksand in your mind--you just can't possibly get your footing. I realized why the ego is important in everyday life--its the stepping-stone from which you get a foothold on the exterior world. However, I also learned that it should be treated only as such and nothing more.

All in all it can't be explained in words, really. I know its a cop-out and someday I really will try to put it into words that will do it justice--I just don't think those words really exist yet. Maybe I'll just make 'em up.;)
 
I agree it really is hard to put into words
It's an experience beyond words because it's our ego that comes up with these words to describe it. The experience is such pure direct 'nowness', there is no escape from that moment.
What I've experienced has been a state of not being able to analyze the situation at all, or trying to figure out what is happening...It's just happening and I have no way to think about it until My ego begins to claw its way back out of the depths of the void.

weird stuff to say the least
 
Ismene said:
Do you think the ego really exists tho? Or is it just another theory of Freuds that's really a load of shit like most of his other theories?
Click to expand...

freud's conception of the ego is not the only conception. what do you mean by the ego?
 
Roger&Me said:
I wouldn't say so. Often times, ego death can be terrifying and quite disconcerting. I know the first time I experienced it, I certainly didn't feel "blissful".

"I" simply was no more. I couldn't remember that I had ever been a human being that had ingested a chemical; the most disconcerting thing about it is that I was constantly trying to figure out what I was and what was going on. It was terrifying at first, until I just let the sensation take complete control over me, and thats when shit got really intense. Interestingly enough, I finally came to the conclusion that I am just a mind--and that everything around me is also just my mind, and in that way is also just me, and commutatively, I am just everything--my girlfriend is my mind, my mother is my mind, the earth is my mind, the vast cosmos is my mind.....

The most profound aspect of ego-death, however, at least to me, was the hands-on learning experience of truly what it means to live in a relative universe. When you have no "I" as a base from which to relate to the world, its like trying to climb out of quicksand in your mind--you just can't possibly get your footing. I realized why the ego is important in everyday life--its the stepping-stone from which you get a foothold on the exterior world. However, I also learned that it should be treated only as such and nothing more.

All in all it can't be explained in words, really. I know its a cop-out and someday I really will try to put it into words that will do it justice--I just don't think those words really exist yet. Maybe I'll just make 'em up.;)
Click to expand...

no matter how hard you try to put it into words or what new words you use, someone is bound to misunderstand what you're saying and dissagree with it.
 
I have had certain experiences, and witnessed friends forget who they are, where they are, etc etc, im assuming this is the same thing or something similar.
Usually these people look very frightened and confused.

The only time its happened to me is on Ketamine.
I've seen a friend go through this in different fashions on K and on LSD.
Strange to me, because L usually makes me more in touch with my center/ego.

Also, i personally have at least some belief in the id/ego/superego, and while maybe its not a perfect theory, it does cover some things that seem to be true. On dissociatives, ego loss is more shocking than it is frightening (ime)

Then I have what i call sub-ego-loss... which goes something like this:

*bumps a decent amount of K*

"Is this really...my...room? (then i see all the things that have occured here, all this instant memory recall, usually precious, fragile memories). I look out the window, is this really MY BLOCK? is this really how i live my life? "

^maybe some of you guys (perhaps thats hoping too much, perhaps ONE of you guys =P) know what im talking about. it seems like ego-loss in reverse. If I were to dose a bit higher, though, instead of this phenomena, i would get the real "who the fuck am i" for 40 mins.
 
burn out said:
no matter how hard you try to put it into words or what new words you use, someone is bound to misunderstand what you're saying and dissagree with it.
Click to expand...

Sadly, this is true. However, conversely, I do believe that there is value in attempting to explain the unexplainable--even if only in the process of trying. And there might be someone out there that understands what you're trying to convey--even if only partially. <3

Isn't that basically what poetry attempts to achieve?
 
Ego loss is becoming the eternal present moment. It is when you realize that "you" (self) does not exist and is just a false center based on other people's conceptions of you, etc. Ego loss made me realize that I am not separate but am something the whole universe is doing.
 
the ego is - dimensionsional descriptions that make up who you are as in
all these things make me "Tommy", or all these things make me "Stephanie"
ego loss is - the realization that there is no such thing as "Tommy", or "Stephanie", but there is only the true Self, which we all are part of- that we are all one, meaning there is no other, only oneness.

so the ego is what we Imagine ourselves to be.(which is an illusion), now to explain things greatly in one quote by a hero of mine...


(it goes something like this..so this isnt excat idk....)
that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectivly ,matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
- Bill Hicks
 
From how I've always thought about it, there's a very fine line between dissociation from your body and ego-death. On good doses of LSD I have definitely experienced ego death. You don't necessarily have to feel out of your body, but the definition of "self" goes out the window. It really gives you an valuable alternate perspective on your own consciousness.

But really, ego death is almost impossible to describe accurately. The English language simply does not have the vocabulary to aptly label it.
 
Isn't ego death really just another name for the transcendental/religious/psychedelic experience, state of samandhi, satori enlightenment, +4 on the shulgin scale, etc? Losing the entire concepts of "self" and "separate" and becoming one with everything?
 
FractalStructure said:
Then I have what i call sub-ego-loss... which goes something like this:

*bumps a decent amount of K*

"Is this really...my...room? (then i see all the things that have occured here, all this instant memory recall, usually precious, fragile memories). I look out the window, is this really MY BLOCK? is this really how i live my life? "

^maybe some of you guys (perhaps thats hoping too much, perhaps ONE of you guys =P) know what im talking about. it seems like ego-loss in reverse. If I were to dose a bit higher, though, instead of this phenomena, i would get the real "who the fuck am i" for 40 mins.
Click to expand...

Ya I got that the first few times i did a big line of K. Except i went straight to the "who the fuck am i" thing for a while. I literally did not know what i was or how i ended up in this state (i couldnt understand the concept of a mind-altering drug if my life depended on it =P). After a few more times of doing K i just got used to it and went along with the feeling from the beginning =). It also helped me deal with a potential bad trip on shrooms.

I find that if someone is experiencing ego death (or close to it), they should completely let go and let the feeling take over. IMO at least =D
 
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