(with 47 mg) After failing with the task (related to psychedelics/drugs) I had set for the day due to impatience, I got disappointed in myself. The previous days I had decided that it would be time for another more psychedelic journey, and I had either a ~50 mg of 2C-D or some 12 - 14 mg 2C-E in mind. As it was late in the evening, I had just eaten and because 2C-D is more amicable, the decision was easy. Originally, there was a plan to trip on this weekend, this was thwarted by some complications and then spontaneously decided for it again. Maybe not the best circumstances, as it seems like I need some preparation these days.
Anyways, the 2C-D was taken and this time it punished me with a bit of nausea, which was expected due to the meal being so close to ingestion. Otherwise the body was fine, except for some neck tension. But after the come up, I did not end up in any even somewhat comfortable mental state. I questioned many of my choices and actions, but without coming to any real solutions. Looking into the mirror, which under the influence often fills me with self-acceptance and love, despite my many short-comings, had the polar opposite result. I looked at a very tired and disappointed version of myself, with blue eye rings (not the case when sober!). I came to the realisation that I may still be deep in depression, despite claiming the opposite for most of the last year. Have I lied to myself? In any case, it became clear that there are some deeply routed flaws, and that I wouldn't get any wiser from further trips. I was disappointed in myself for wasting so much time with drugs, even with psychedelics. Why do I always need a new toy? Aren't the old toys enough? Haven't I found enough tools now to look into myself? When would I start actually applying what I learned? It feels disheartening, as I seem to lack the strength and time is running. I also realised the amount of self-isolation and dangers that come with my interest for all drugs.
I should probably try to strengthen old friendships and build new ones. And I need to spend the time that seems flying nowadays more efficiently and structured. The rest of the trip was spent mostly distracting myself, which may not have been the best choice. Maybe I should've tried pondering the enigma that I am to myself more. When the danger for rekindling a psychedelic wildfire seemed low enough, thoughts were drowned out by vaporising some cannabis. The next day was spent lethargic and depressed. Now I have a cold and am naturally lethargic. Damn.