yes, p-man, I find that I don't seem to suffer much memory loss with clonazepam, even though that particular benzo feels to me like one of the most intoxicating ones. I mean on a few mgs of clonaz I feel like I'm on something; relaxed, loose, say a few stupid things. But on etiz and alpraz, I often don't feel like anything has happened to me at all, or i only feel it for half an hour and then it seems to have gone. This is how I felt in the past when i had a beer or two while on etiz/aplraz: "I'm fine. I know what it feels like to be wasted - and this ain't it". And yeah you're right, I'm lucky that I (apparently) behaved normally and didn't do/say anything stupid on that night at the restaurant.
Speaking of saying stupid things...
I've often thought of asking my girlfriend how she would feel about a threesome while under the influence of benzos... thank gods that I never came out and said it, because I already know the answer (bye bye balls) and the truth is I don't really even want to have a threesome - it's just the kind of shit that pops into my head while I'm on benzos. I also think of placing huge orders online for RCs that could get me in trouble ("sure a couple of kilos is risky, but if it gets through... yeah I should try it!"). Lucky I've haven't done that either.
Another time on diazepam I started burping loudly in public (in a shopping mall). I felt like I really needed to burp, and usually I would try to do it discreetly but this time I was having fun (I mean, really enjoying it way too much) burping as loudly as possible and I actually wanted people to notice (some kids nearby thought it was great). I think I enjoyed it because i was doing something that normally would have caused embarrassment and anxiety, but I felt perfectly safe and calm because of the benzo. It was a real novelty. Nice for me, pity about the other people, and my poor girlfriend again. When she told me to stop, I reasoned with her: "hey, at least I didn't whip my dick out or take a shit on the table or something". More benzo talk. (sorry baby, you still love me right?)
Benzos for me are a selfish indulgence. I don't really need them. Sometimes I use them "correctly" - if there is such a thing - to get to sleep when I have insomnia (etiz is good for this) or to help with opiate WDs when I can't score (clonaz is good for this), but often I take them for no good reason other than to get fucked. And when I do that, I sometimes treat people in a really shitty way without noticing. Not cool at all. Only alcohol makes me more of an asshole. With alcohol I get wound up and contentious. With benzos I get relaxed, chatty and vapid. Luckily I haven't mixed the two enough to have any serious problems. I'm genuinely embarrassed about forgetting a whole evening and freaking my girl out, and after fessing up I told her I wouldn't do that again, and I meant it.
Anyway, someone else has posted before (can't remember which forum or where - i blame benzos
... really though, i do
) that they experience mini blackouts shortly after taking repeated doses of etizolam. I've found the same. The first one is OK, but I will often forget I've taken a second or third one or what I did in the half hour or so after I take it. I actually put the tablets together in a bag with a piece of paper and count them. Then I write how many there are in the bag and cross out the number and write in the new number every time I take one, and through this I've had a couple of surprises the next day where I look at the number sheet and it says I took 4 tablets, but I only recall taking two.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
