sinisterbotanist
Greenlighter
Hey Bluelighters. I don't use these forums very much, but I thought I'd go ahead and post, as it seems there are many knowledgeable people around here that could aid me.
Over a year ago, I used LSD in a pretty foolish setting. This would have been the third time I used it. Two tabs of "strong" acid on the beach. Just looking to feel euphoric and see what a beach on acid would look like. It was subtle, but still quite frightening. (it probably was not LSD, since it lasted 16 hours and there was no noticeable come-up or come-down) I gradually got the insight that my me was never going to stop. Consciousness became something to be dreaded, since it was never ever going to stop.. running infinitely onward. The One that recreates itself out of nothingness just keeps going and going, and it would never ever end. There was no meaning, at all. It wasn't something to be upset about.. the feeling is so inexpressible. The world took on a menacing look and that feeling stuck with me, long after the trip. I developed depersonalization and probably HPPD, which I at first thought was just depression. I then thought it might have been something about my brain chemistry, as if I just genetically wasn't built to have an enjoyable psychedelic experience and all other ones would end up terrible. (I did trip again and enjoyed it, but the derealization continued even the day after.) Yet, I've slowly began realizing that a number of others have experienced the same thing I have, and some continue to trip. I just wish I could find more people who knew have gone there.
A few examples of other psychedelic explorers finding the terrible place..
-The unnamed poet friend of Mr. Shulgin in PiHKAL, his MMDA trip. He called it the Olympian Universe, and Captain Zero. Unknown if he continued psychedelics
-Ann Shulgin's weeklong plus two in the chapter "Crisis" in PiHKAL, who made a full recovery, obviously
-Possibly Huxley in talking about the "negative visionary experience" in Heaven and Hell
-Various erowid reports
-William Braden in his book The Private Sea (http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/lsd/bradenp.htm), never touched psychs again
But who was I, who didn't want it? I was Everybody, the Self. And now I knew what the little selves were for, I thought. They were a fiction designed to protect the Self from the knowledge of its own Being—to keep the Self from going mad. For surely, without them, the Self might be driven to insanity by the thought of its own audacity, and the thought of its loneliness, and the thought as well of the danger it was in. And it was in danger, I knew that perfectly well. Since it was All That There Was, there was nothing to assure it of its own immortality. And in fact, I could sense, there was that which resisted both its Being and Becoming. And this something was nothing more than Nothingness itself, against which the Self had exerted its will to Become. Thus the ontic anxiety, as Tillich expressed it: the ultimate fear of ultimate non-Being. Or so it seemed, as I struggled with my seven demons; and translating the Self into selves once more, I imagined that I now understood with perfect clarity the meaning of a passage that had always haunted me in Unamuno's story of the good priest Don Emmanuel. That saintly man had preached to his flock the word of God and the message of salvation, which gave them great joy. There were those, however, who perceived that Don Emmanuel himself was a tormented soul, and one day, while walking in the countryside, a villager named Lazarus begged the priest to tell him the truth—the truth above all! And all a-tremble, Don Emmanuel whispered into the ear of him who had asked: "The truth? The truth, Lazarus, is perhaps something so unbearable, so terrible, something so deadly, that simple people could not live with it!"
I would hate to think that what I felt that day on the beach is the truth about the whole universe. I didn't fight it at first. But now I fight it with all of my being. I've been thinking a lot recently about exploring psychedelics again, but I fear I will once again encounter that terrible place. My first trip was wonderful, I felt as if I was a kid again and I knew exactly what I needed to do to be successful as a loving human being. I want that again. Skip the metaphysical bullshit. I want to learn about myself more, and just avoid the freaky mind-fuckness that does no good whatsoever. Has anyone had a frightening ontological trip such as mine and continued using psychedelics to better their lives? I was thinking that maybe using a substance with less mind fuck, I would be able to explore the things I want to without encountering metaphysical crap. The obvious substance to try would be MDMA. I'd love to try 2C-B, but I've read an erowid report of someone having a bad trip similar to mine. I've heard of 2C-I being "down to earth" and that sounds so wonderful, but I still think it could go off into weirdness. Any advice or experiences would be much appreciated. Thanks.
interesting commentary on William Braden's trip report
http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/lsd/bradencm.htm
Basically he thinks there is a faulty paradigm in how Westerners use psychedelics. Huxley and Braden used the same substance, and had radically different experiences. Peyote tribes always have glorious experiences.
Over a year ago, I used LSD in a pretty foolish setting. This would have been the third time I used it. Two tabs of "strong" acid on the beach. Just looking to feel euphoric and see what a beach on acid would look like. It was subtle, but still quite frightening. (it probably was not LSD, since it lasted 16 hours and there was no noticeable come-up or come-down) I gradually got the insight that my me was never going to stop. Consciousness became something to be dreaded, since it was never ever going to stop.. running infinitely onward. The One that recreates itself out of nothingness just keeps going and going, and it would never ever end. There was no meaning, at all. It wasn't something to be upset about.. the feeling is so inexpressible. The world took on a menacing look and that feeling stuck with me, long after the trip. I developed depersonalization and probably HPPD, which I at first thought was just depression. I then thought it might have been something about my brain chemistry, as if I just genetically wasn't built to have an enjoyable psychedelic experience and all other ones would end up terrible. (I did trip again and enjoyed it, but the derealization continued even the day after.) Yet, I've slowly began realizing that a number of others have experienced the same thing I have, and some continue to trip. I just wish I could find more people who knew have gone there.
A few examples of other psychedelic explorers finding the terrible place..
-The unnamed poet friend of Mr. Shulgin in PiHKAL, his MMDA trip. He called it the Olympian Universe, and Captain Zero. Unknown if he continued psychedelics
-Ann Shulgin's weeklong plus two in the chapter "Crisis" in PiHKAL, who made a full recovery, obviously
-Possibly Huxley in talking about the "negative visionary experience" in Heaven and Hell
-Various erowid reports
-William Braden in his book The Private Sea (http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/lsd/bradenp.htm), never touched psychs again
But who was I, who didn't want it? I was Everybody, the Self. And now I knew what the little selves were for, I thought. They were a fiction designed to protect the Self from the knowledge of its own Being—to keep the Self from going mad. For surely, without them, the Self might be driven to insanity by the thought of its own audacity, and the thought of its loneliness, and the thought as well of the danger it was in. And it was in danger, I knew that perfectly well. Since it was All That There Was, there was nothing to assure it of its own immortality. And in fact, I could sense, there was that which resisted both its Being and Becoming. And this something was nothing more than Nothingness itself, against which the Self had exerted its will to Become. Thus the ontic anxiety, as Tillich expressed it: the ultimate fear of ultimate non-Being. Or so it seemed, as I struggled with my seven demons; and translating the Self into selves once more, I imagined that I now understood with perfect clarity the meaning of a passage that had always haunted me in Unamuno's story of the good priest Don Emmanuel. That saintly man had preached to his flock the word of God and the message of salvation, which gave them great joy. There were those, however, who perceived that Don Emmanuel himself was a tormented soul, and one day, while walking in the countryside, a villager named Lazarus begged the priest to tell him the truth—the truth above all! And all a-tremble, Don Emmanuel whispered into the ear of him who had asked: "The truth? The truth, Lazarus, is perhaps something so unbearable, so terrible, something so deadly, that simple people could not live with it!"
I would hate to think that what I felt that day on the beach is the truth about the whole universe. I didn't fight it at first. But now I fight it with all of my being. I've been thinking a lot recently about exploring psychedelics again, but I fear I will once again encounter that terrible place. My first trip was wonderful, I felt as if I was a kid again and I knew exactly what I needed to do to be successful as a loving human being. I want that again. Skip the metaphysical bullshit. I want to learn about myself more, and just avoid the freaky mind-fuckness that does no good whatsoever. Has anyone had a frightening ontological trip such as mine and continued using psychedelics to better their lives? I was thinking that maybe using a substance with less mind fuck, I would be able to explore the things I want to without encountering metaphysical crap. The obvious substance to try would be MDMA. I'd love to try 2C-B, but I've read an erowid report of someone having a bad trip similar to mine. I've heard of 2C-I being "down to earth" and that sounds so wonderful, but I still think it could go off into weirdness. Any advice or experiences would be much appreciated. Thanks.
interesting commentary on William Braden's trip report
http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/lsd/bradencm.htm
Basically he thinks there is a faulty paradigm in how Westerners use psychedelics. Huxley and Braden used the same substance, and had radically different experiences. Peyote tribes always have glorious experiences.
