I never know whether to post on this topic because my take is usually unpalatable.
It's not suicide OCD. I think there are very few (including professionals) that don't quite understand the suicidal mind.
I have a theory developed over the last two years and which I've posted about before but that entire thread got deleted after it ended up in a boxing match.
Somebody who has reached that point and where it's a very real and doable solution all of a sudden has an additional choice in life that others don't. And try as you might: it doesn't go away. In other words: "normal" people if faced with a choice to solve a problem can choose, say, between option 1 and option 2. The suicidal mind always has the third option. And it's ever present. True it may become a self fulfilling prophecy or undermine moving forward.
Also posted before: by rights it should be liberating. And I guess to a certain extent it is. Think about it. You already know the absolute worst that can happen to you because you've already made the decision and have maybe come close to an attempt. In THEORY: that should free you up to do anything you like and that you maybe otherwise would never have even considered doing. Unfortunately it doesn't work in practice for the simple reason that by the time you've reached this point you are so mentally fucked that you couldn't be bothered with anything.
And something else that's perplexed me (although it actually shouldn't by rights);
You eventually start seeing everything very differently from others. When I ride around the neighborhood with others: they'll see the beauty of the mountains or the parks. I'll see trails or bushes or benches and be doing a recce of how visible they are to Joe Public and the surrounding areas (the thought being that if you're going to do this the last thing you want is to be stopped or interrupted).
So I dunno if this is of any help. All I'm saying to you is that you're not alone and have not "developed" some condition. It's a monkey on your back that once it's there it's very difficult to rid yourself of and takes some mental gymnastics to put it in the back of your mind. It's in no way different from addiction or a habit. Now there's an interesting take on the issue and possibly worthy of some research and a published peer reviewed paper! Not unlike a Cocaine "habit" i.e. no physical addiction or dependence but that psychological monkey on your back addiction? That type of thing.
And as I posted on another thread somewhere around these parts very recently: once you get into the nuts and bolts of a method and read about others that have tried and failed or even read about others that have tried an succeeded it gets pretty real. Sometimes too real. And can act as a deterrent in and of itself. And you also gotta be real careful when researching this shit i.e. there's a bunch of misinformation out there (like everything else I suppose). And oddly enough ESPECIALLY when it comes to attempting to use narcotics or pharmaceuticals. That is shit that's been fueled by sensationalist media. And the problem is that a botched attempt can for real cause permanent damage. How many people that thought they had things shit in life would be happy ending up losing mobility (stroke) as a result of a botched attempt?
One of my few philosophical posts (very uplifting shit this ain't it).