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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Thank you for everything

Lysis said:
Captain, you are one of my favorite BLers! I know it doesn't mean much, but I think you should know that the laughs you brought me way back in the day when life was complete shit for me and I had so much depression...you made ME LAUGH. You helped me. I hope you please reconsider. I think you mean more to strangers online than you know.
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You know, that makes me feel really good. I've been pretty far down lately. 27 years old and very tired of either withdrawals, depression, severe anxiety, pretending, lying, and being too frozen by this physical fear in my stomach to become motivated toward change.

I was watching Brokeback Mountain last night, and the ending always makes me feel this deep sense of regret for the experiences and opportunities I've passed over because I wasn't in the right frame of mind when they came along. Then I see the future being filled with more memories of regret, until it's like a night sky drowned out by stars, just full of stars. I think about Jack Twist, how he was just begging Ennis to give life a chance, but all Ennis could think about was the rotting corpse of the town homosexual who died after some guys tore off his penis. That's what I feel like - I have these visceral mental cycles just full of the wrong images that do nothing but cause pain when I think about possibilities. Like a built in abuse system to keep my head down and my life mediocre.

I can't even get close to my girlfriend anymore, not that she has any expectations of normalcy, and not that I've ever just fallen open and made myself available to her. She's a grown woman, and when I look at her from the side and look at her eyes I just see these subtle circles getting deeper, and I think to myself, "people don't get old naturally; other people do it to them." And that's what I'm doing to her. She's around someone who's dying on the inside, like a cancer patient, all the time, and it's making her turn old.
 
man, it is almost over for sure. last night I shot up roxy and took a hefty dose of xanax, and then put a bag over my head and passed out. I'm obviously still alive, but it is probably because the panic kicks in and wakes you up to remove the bag. i've started doing bold white collar mischief to support these last days, so there really is no turning back. if they want to come get me then it will be suicide by cop. It's too late for me; the drug witjdraqals would kill me the hard way if I were to be locked up. The economy forced me to e3xperiment with being like everyone else with an honest job and I could d it for about 1 year and a half. if that's w2hat life is suppsoed to be like, and I'm supposed to be happy with that, then fuck this planet and fuck the people in it. Fuck my mom for promoting that as an ideal and acceptable life, and fuck her for not getting an abortion. I wish I lived at home so she could find me all bloated with yellow shit coming out of my face.
 
You sound extremely depressed is going to a psychiatric ward out of the question? Have you ever been to one before?

You're talking about people and being a member of the workforce like people specifically designed this perfect plan just to make you suffer. But look around you. I'd pick being a human being any day of the week over being a lion or a gazelle. Strong or weak its natures law to be up with the sun for your own survival. If you're the lion you are hunting for food the minute you're awake, don't go hunting, you starve to death. If you're the gazelle you better be fastest than the fastest lion or you will be eaten.

Thats basically life in a nutshell. Noone ever said it would be all crumpets and tea, and it surely isn't. But I'll be honest with you one of my favorite things about life is the fact its not fair. Would I rather be waiting in the same line, for the same food, served by the same person, drive the same car as the guy next to me, we all speak the same language, a 100% socialist society kinda. No room for being better than the next guy. We are all given what we need from birth, everything is "fair", but then wtf is there to look forward too? Absolutely nothing. It would be like ground hogs day over and over.

This "law of life", that you think is made by men is really just an organized or "civilized" way that humans survive. "Hmmm do I want to go out into the woods naked today and go hunting for a bear just so I can survive and eat/live another day... or should I go to work in an AC building, and perform a job that I may actually be interested in?" A job where no things are fair but I can sure as hell use that to my advantage.

I think you are going through a phase in your life where you're realizing everything in life is about survival. Or at least you are seeing it that way. But you're not seeing anything good at all. Not the vacations or memories with friends, not even dreams for the future or the possibility of being happy one day. No you don't want any of that, you want to be the gazelle that doesn't wake up one day and gets eaten by the lion.
Life is tough man if ones thing is for sure its that, but I still genuinely believe along with that that life is what you make it. So you can blame your mom, the world all you want, but who really put you where you are? And if you're going to make the choice to blame yourself (I think blaming anything is a huge waste of time honestly) you can at least give yourself an opportunity to do something to change that.

I'm not writing this to get you all fired up but maybe I said something you haven't considered yet. Maybe it will help you, or maybe once again you will continue to not help yourself. But don't be mad at god, or your creator, or man, maybe be mad at your mom... but none of these people forced you to take drugs. Maybe modeled the behavoir, but still noone shoved them down your throat with a gun and said "take this or you die". Just trying to present a clearer picture of reality for you. But if you do decide to leave this world, hopefully you will find some peace in your life before you do.
 
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I can understand the feeling of not wanting the typical ideal lifestyle that is generally encouraged. This doesn't mean that you can't find your own path that is more aligned with your own values. It may take some effort to do so but there are certainly lots of people who choose not to try to squeeze themselves into the life that they are told they should be living.

So why not give yourself a chance to explore your options and find out what is satisfying to you? Just because what you've experienced so far hasn't been what you are looking for doesn't mean that you cannot have peace of mind in the future.

Some things can be changed, while others may require a change in perception. So give yourself the chance to figure out what's what and maybe you'll be surprised at some of the options that become possible.
 
/\ Great points. And one more thing I want to say is that sometimes change will happen all on its own, without you ever expecting it, and just like these recent bad changes my have come unexpected, good changes can happen the same exact way.

Its stupid but its like saying "hmm I wanna kill myself today... but what if after I'm dead I found out that tommorow I would have hit the lottery if I just stayed alive"?

It may sound dumb, but I've definitely had a decent amount of change happen that way before. I've even been depressed out of my mind, trapped, and one day I wake up and can feel the sunlight, I don't know why but my perception just changed. Things do get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to hang in there when the lights go off and do the best you can.
 
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