Thank you for everything

[captainballs]

During my time spent on Bluelight, I have had the opportunity to make people laugh and that is truly what makes me know that I've had a positive impact on people who might be going through hard times. Laughter is the best medicine.

I just want the community here to understand that life is special because it does not go on forever. I want to soften the blow by offering advance notice that I will not be here for much longer. Read my posts, laugh, have a good time. It's all I ever wanted out of my relationship with this community of awesome people.

My mind is deteriorating and I am afraid of being institutionalized more than I am afraid of death. I am not leaving tomorrow; I still owe loved ones favors. But be happy for me when I am gone. Some things are not meant to last, and unfortunately I believe very strongly that my spirit is waning. I don't want to turn into a burden or be a consistent charity case for the people who suffer emotionally over helping people who threaten to have exit plans.

Just enjoy it for what it was, if I ever made you laugh. That's all I want. It's all I ever wanted. But my term is almost up here. I will still talk to anyone who wants to talk to me.

I have a plan, and it will be painless and humane. I will not assist anyone else with regard to my method, however, despite my belief in the right to make a peaceful exit. I will continue to contribute, but do not be sad - nothing lasts forever.

Sean

 

[panic in paradise]

i believe the best comedy is a balance of passion anger and intelligence; assuming every-one will 'get-it' is not always what works, but accepting that does no matter what the context.

it is recognized that this scenario is thought to of 'turned on' Andy Kaufman for example; as-well as myself after i was done laughing long ago many times...

nothing' does last forever - and nothing can be shocking soon enough: the same as knowing that nothing lasts for ever in the best situation, definitely is assuring that nothing will in the worst either; this is goddamn true, as true as "god" is cruel - as funny as it doesnt sound it has to be.


nothing lasts for-ever the same as something will always be

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

"nothing gold can stay"
tattooed on my arm
I feel much like you sometimes, and although I don't know you, I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens. I can understand, well....if one feels they weren't meant to last the full "life expectancy" for an adult...80 or so years...or whatever. I feel the same for many reasons, and when I consider ending shit, I remember I have several loose ends to tie up before I could happily consider things with no what ifs left on my mind. Trying to hold out til I either gain the will to live or shit that would have to happen, happens. cause if I were to die before then it would be a mess, with me looking down going fuck man...why didn't I wait for *thing* to happen? I wish you the best, no matter what you choose. I hope you find peace and happiness where you end up.

 

[slortaone]

man, i dont know what to say.

you're my favourite bluelighter, you know this.

PM me ANYTIME, i just wish i could do something to make this shit a little less fucking painful.

i expect to hear from you.

love you brother.

 

[Mariposa]

CB, you have made me LOL more times than I can count. I really hope you decide to stick around. PM or drop me a note on FB, man, seriously - reconsider. The world would be a much more boring place without you in it.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It's great you can still promote a positive attitude towards life despite adversity. This shows that you are a resilient person.

I am hoping that things work out for you.

 

[|>R()|)!G/-\|_]

I guess if there's such a thing as polite suicide, this would be it. I'll pray that you find peace one way or another, preferably without taking your own life. God bless you.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I still owe loved ones favors.

Do your loved ones know of your plan? I think you owe it to them to let them know what you are planning to do. As much as you announce this to us and soften the blow for us, that's all well and good, and we appreciate the gesture But I think it's much more important to talk to your loved ones about this, because they will be the most intensely affected by your departure.

but do not be sad - nothing lasts forever.

This is true, but Sean, you are still so young man. I just can't accept that you're going to give up at such a young age. I know you've had a hard time, for a long time, but this doesn't have to be the end.

Please keep considering your other options, please don't resign yourself to the concept that this is the only answer for you, because it's not.

 

[Dave]

n3o's words are wise. CB, you know my opinion on this, so there's no point in my re-hashing it for you again.

You've spoken of your potential, and how it seems like you're not living up to it. In my mind, that sounds like you're not in the right field. Not because you can't hack it, because you and I both know that you can, but rather because you chose that field because of the material benefits rather than the happiness it brings to you. Couple that with identifying with your work, and you have a recipe for unhappiness.

Give a bit of thought to the idea that while nice things are nice, they are just things. A new German car is lovely, consumer electronics are fun, an expensive dwelling can be comfortable, but if you are unhappy they are just hollow. Just things.

From reading your recent posts on this subject, it seems like part of the root of your unhappiness is a lack of fulfillment with your work coupled with the material challenges of being out of work, and the emotional toil that takes. I know that there are financial issues adding pressure to the employment issue, but would that not be more a symptom rather than a cause?

I'm just throwing ideas out at this point; you can get past this if you do things differently than you have in the past. The solution does not lie with getting a six-figure job, the comfort of satisfying an addiction or this current solution that you keep proposing. The thing is, I can't force you to sit down and really get to the meat of the matter; I can only ask questions and hope that it triggers the thought within yourself.

People often say that one knows oneself best, but I'm of the opinion that in many cases (if not most) that knowledge is horribly warped. Self-honesty and self-awareness require a lucidity that can be clouded in countless ways. I'm speaking from personal experience in this case, and I think that you're in a similar -- albeit more challenging -- situation that I was in a few years ago. Again, I've already discussed this with you, so there's no point in rehashing it. Honesty need not necessarily be brutal, but it often can be a bit jarring when a realization hits. Almost like a smack upside the head.

You are not your mental state, you are not your emotions, you are not your mind. The more you identify with any of those, the more vulnerable you become to them.

Be well CB. I wish you good luck, and wish that this is not our final communication. You know how to contact me off-board if needs be-- keep in mind that I suck with phones

 

[Legerity]

People often say that one knows oneself best, but I'm of the opinion that in many cases (if not most) that knowledge is horribly warped. Self-honesty and self-awareness require a lucidity that can be clouded in countless ways. I'm speaking from personal experience in this case, and I think that you're in a similar -- albeit more challenging -- situation that I was in a few years ago. Again, I've already discussed this with you, so there's no point in rehashing it. Honesty need not necessarily be brutal, but it often can be a bit jarring when a realization hits. Almost like a smack upside the head.

You are not your mental state, you are not your emotions, you are not your mind. The more you identify with any of those, the more vulnerable you become to them.

Be well CB. I wish you good luck, and wish that this is not our final communication. You know how to contact me off-board if needs be-- keep in mind that I suck with phones

A lot of wisdom here! So true that we may think we know ourselves best but this isn't always the case. Nobody else can enter our minds but here is often a distorted self-perception that interferes with being able to see the goodness within us. I'm very much like this so until so I'm able to work through that it has been miraculous to have other people help re-align my percpetion to a move accurate view of myself. And those here who replied believe that you are a great guy.

I believe all of us are ultimately perfect as we are, not "bad" or "evil". I you think you have made mistakes or are a just a burden to others I would let acknowledge these thoughts/feelings but not let them determine your actions. Thoughts/feelings are just that. A tape playing inside the mind that keeps playing untrue messages over and over.

I don't know you know or your story but base in the replies here a lot of people know and care about you. If you're perspective is that you are unworthy to continue living, then for now put a bit of trust into the opinions of others and allow them to hep you see yourself as you are; gifts, qualities, "faults', and all.

All the best

 

[captainballs]

I'm turning into an anti-society monster, man. I feel like I have nothing to lose after getting a good education and then having my debt get in the way of working for financial firms. I refuse to take a punch the clock job, and it's making me scheme really heavy and build this small team of people who are ex-felons and like me because I've got good ideas about how to help them get on their feet if they listen to me. We are engaging in underhanded shit that I am only doing because the world's rejected me. It's turning into a fucking organization. Some of them are going to get locked up for the shit I have them doing so I can survive this unemployment, and they dont even know it yet.

I am getting worse, and what's even worse is that people are playing follow the leader with someone who isn't even all there anymore. I don't know what this is going to turn into and it hurts because I used to have morals. When you know you're going to die it changes everything. It makes you wonder what really matters and what doesn't. I'm worried that if I dont end it all soon that I will have an organization that is full of the wrong kinds of people doing the wrong kinds of things.

I stay up all night every night trying to get the next thousand dollars in my pocket by navigating the finance laws I studied for so long. What would be ironic is if this turned into something legitimate, since the world is sick enough to accept what I'm doing as real business as soon as it gets big enough. If that happens I will be turned forever into a cynic. I haven't said anything incriminating.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Let your friends know to skip town man, that's what I would do. Take a break; I'm sure you can do that, right?

 

[TINK]

I agree with CH. Grab a bus head somewhere for a new prespective. I am not sure where you live, but I think you need to get out and rethink what is actually happening in your life. Seriously PM, I would be willing to help out as much as possible. Please do not take the exit door without considering coming back in through then entrance door. I know it sounchs cliche but I am a firm believer that we are never given more that we can handle. FYI this has no reference to religion. Please if you don't reach out to me the make sure you reach out to someone willing and able to help you.

 

[Dave]

I refuse to take a punch the clock job

This needs to be examined more closely. If you are bothered by the fact that you 'used to have morals', but are now doing things against them, then what have you gained by going against them?

 

[captainballs]

money to survive and thrive on, and a team of loyal but dumb risk takers

 

[whippa craka]

There is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how bad things get. Despite how rational your thoughts may seem right now, I assure you there is another point in your life where you will find your current train of though wreckless and irrational, even though it may make 100% sense right now. I hope you make the right choice my friend and truly have made an effort.

 

[Flickering]

^^ I second that.

I've never met you, so this might not be worth much, but please reconsider. I've been in a similar position, sort of, and I'm glad I decided not to kill myself. In retrospect I can totally understand doing it, but it ended up just not being as necessary as I thought. If you give it some time... maybe a lot of time... maybe you'll find it's the same.

I know that doesn't sound likely. I understand where you're coming from and I respect your altruism (even if you think you're losing it). But this isn't the way.

 

[Asclepius]

I'm turning into an anti-society monster, man. I feel like I have nothing to lose after getting a good education and then having my debt get in the way of working for financial firms.

I refuse to take a punch the clock job, and it's making me scheme really heavy and build this small team of people who are ex-felons and like me because I've got good ideas about how to help them get on their feet if they listen to me. We are engaging in underhanded shit that I am only doing because the world's rejected me. It's turning into a fucking organization. Some of them are going to get locked up for the shit I have them doing so I can survive this unemployment, and they dont even know it yet.

Hey Captain. Seems you are feeling pretty desperate and vulnerable at the moment. As you know these are the times where you need to harness and gather your energy and not throw it away, as the 'schemes' you are planning(and all magically 'worked out' in your head to 'certainly' go in an intentional direction) reek of desperation. You sound bored, disheartened lonely and directionless. Seems like now that your plans of building a proseperous life have been unfulfilled you are are rejecting yourself and want to create a load of drama while you plummit down. What are you aiming to achieve with this realistically?

I am getting worse, and what's even worse is that people are playing follow the leader with someone who isn't even all there anymore. I don't know what this is going to turn into and it hurts because I used to have morals. When you know you're going to die it changes everything. It makes you wonder what really matters and what doesn't. I'm worried that if I dont end it all soon that I will have an organization that is full of the wrong kinds of people doing the wrong kinds of things.

I know what it's like to feel you have power over people and how intoxicating it can be but this is really not just down to you. All those others who appear to be 'following the leader' have their own 'plans and wilfull desires' the yeh-sayers are too looking for a shitstorm and you are the one organising it and it gives them the same energy that you are experiencing(a false hope, an illusion of power) THIS is why it hurts and this is why it is so intoxicating.
Morals on their own are just an empty set of principles, it seems like now you are experiencing the challenge and that is the most frightening thing because in the face of feeling 'small/insignificant'(in the superficial sense of the word) you get to choose to create the strength that you need to carry on, as yourself unconditionally. The alternative is to buy into the script that you believe is written for you by a set of circumstances that are merely a temporary hindrance and annoyance. With the amount of passion you have you can turn it into sabotaging your own life or you can harness it and open your mind to other possibilities-you appear to be stuck in your own set perspective- having been and often being stuck in that place myself, it begs for change within yourself-its up to you to challenge that mindset and start to question whether the values you are stuck in are really what you need, or are you actually really choosing them at all or letting yourself just be stuck in a Societally written script?
Working in the mundane can be a stop gap, you can scheme and plan to get out of there in more creative ways that are not going to harm you or anyone so therefore longterm, you will benefit. Street smartness is useless on its own you need to cultivate wisdom in yourself(all the time), you deserve that and it will feel good despite the trials of anything else.

I stay up all night every night trying to get the next thousand dollars in my pocket by navigating the finance laws I studied for so long. What would be ironic is if this turned into something legitimate, since the world is sick enough to accept what I'm doing as real business as soon as it gets big enough. If that happens I will be turned forever into a cynic. I haven't said anything incriminating.

Forget 'the world' and it isnt 'The World'. Corruption is there if you want to buy into it, its not going to be the thing that shows you any mercy or understanding -and you know that! If your choosing to play a certain type of game with'the world' and knowing that it is rigged-it will win. There are plenty of other games that you can play that will be less malignant and will bear more oppertunities(not just financial) to your life and life at large, its a matter of opening up your mind and heart and creative side- things do unfold when you are doing the right thing by yourself, they may evn be unfolding already but you arent seeing them because you are being closed to yourself- it is a huge injustice to you, and though I dont know you im angry as hell that you are not treating yourself with the dignity that you deserve.

You do not need to sabotage yourself to prove that things are corrupt and that you have experienced it or it has tainted you, maybe against your own will- everyone KNOWS on some level/many about that cruelty, it exists because it is created, it isnt that important - why are you buying into it? Think you have to accept the fact that you are making choices to join it rather than beat it.
At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with anything outside yourself, this is your agenda and your issue and you need to addresse this and decide who you are going to be instead of letting it rule you.

Financial reward is all fine and dandy but there is SO much more to life(and by this I am not being flippint about how important being financially stable is but after that, there is not much to it apart from annoying, bullshit social pressures and facades). Please look after yourself, that is what all this is about.

 

[Mind-Melt]

wow capt., powerful post. sad to see you go, but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. best of luck to you, sir.

 

[Lysis]

Captain, you are one of my favorite BLers! I know it doesn't mean much, but I think you should know that the laughs you brought me way back in the day when life was complete shit for me and I had so much depression...you made ME LAUGH. You helped me. I hope you please reconsider. I think you mean more to strangers online than you know.