A text conversation from 8:30-11:30 a.m. this morning.
Him: Hey, do you think about the unprotected sex at all?
Me: Yeah. It was highly irresponsible. Though we've both been [HIV] tested recently with no new risks...
Me: Thoughts?
Him: I'm going to try and get on a prophylaxis treatment today. Doctor warned me lasat time that some of the side effects are unknown. Just for peace of mind.
Him: OCD, neurosis, whatever you want to call it. When are you scheduled for your last [HIV swab] test? You? Thoughts?
Me: Oh [name], I'm sorry ... I should have been more thoughtful. I really am negative now FWIW. [He believes you aren't negative until 18 months after the high risk behavior.]
Me: 12 months will be end of June. I'm getting retested on Monday.
Me: You know what HPV is right. And condoms don't prevent its spread much? I have that and I'm getting another treatment for it Tuesday.
Me: it doesn't visibly show up in men, and it causes cervical cancer. Men are unaffected carriers.
Him: No, I don't know what that is. I don't have. Didn't? Could they give me something for that?
Me: No
Him: Why didn't you tell me?
Me: 80% of Americans have it. You doctor probably even has it. You probably unknowingly have it. It's not serious...for you.
Me: I just called HIV ed. She said most individuals are detected in 3 months. In very rare individuals, it takes 6 months. I was tested at 6 months. She said the 12 and 18 month mark you must know about is back from old testing methods.
Me: She speaks from the Center for Disease Control.
Him: No. I didn't have anything. I had pretty exhaustive testing. How contagious is it? Is it pretty much guaranteed that I have it now?
Me: There is no test for it for men. That's how unaffected you are.
Him: I hadn't done anything with anyone else between test results. I looked it up. It says 20% of men can develop cancers and genital and oral warts. Should there be anything else that I should know? So that I could have the best info when I see my doc.
Me: That's it. No high risk behavior since end of June last year. No new partners since that time.
Him: How did you know you had it? Did you have symptoms?
Me: Yeah
Him: What symptoms? Is it highly contagious?
Me: Genital warts, I have had most of them removed, and yes I think so.
Me: Most people have it.
Him: I wish so much that you had told me that.
Me: I don't know what to say right now.
Him: Even if I never get symptoms now I could give that to someone else. This is not good.
Him: Please tell me how your other test goes.
Me: Ok.
Him: There is no prophylaxis for HPV.
Me: I didn't tell you because I guess I had accepted it as a fact of life. The nurses always blow it off saying things like how so many people have it, it doesn't cause any problems, and so on.
Him: Every single thing I've read says let others know. I am having panic attacks over this. It's highly contractible. I could pretty much accept that I have it now.
Him: Do you know when you are dormant and when you are not?
Me: I should not listen to the "comforting" of nurses, then. Downplaying it didn't help your peace of mind.
Me: I don't know. Really, how many partners have you had in your life? No need to answer. You really, really, probably already have had this.
Him: No one has ever told me that I've given them anything. This is intense. I don't think it could be downplayed at all. It's my responsibility to protect myself in the end [name]. But you should tell people. Shouldn't assume that I have it already or that I should be laid back about. I'm going to be sick about this for a long time. Probably forever. Have you been honest with me about the risky behavior?
Me: Yes, honest. You are right. Please consider though that it takes time to show up. If you have given anyone HPV they would not always know how long it was dormant aka. if it was you.
Me: You haven't heard about HPV because so many people have it, therefore no one talks about it. It's everywhere. I'm just honest enough to educate you. Sorry, I'm not trying to be defensive. It's just how I see it.
Me: Yes, educate before, not after. I don't know what I was thinking.
Me: 90% of immune systems eliminate it in 2 years.
Him: The stuff I've read say you keep it for life. I'm at doctors now. Waiting on my turn.
Him: I hope they give me something for anxiety, too. I have OCD real bad. This is going to fuck me up worse.
Me: Hmm, ok. Let me know the doctor's and nurses' sentiments.
Me: Use positive self talk. Pessimism and negative self talk isn't going to help with anxiety. I know how you are feeling though. I learned what it was right when I found out I had it. It was a shock, but learning more about it helped.
Me: Have you tried any positive self talk? It's highly effective for anxiety and general well being. Look it up sometime.. I learned how to do it through this website called MoodGym. It's based on principles from that book you recommended, Feeling Good.
Him: I hope I dodged this. But it's sounding like it's guaranteed that I have it now. I don't want to hear about positive thinking. I'll pass on that.
Me: That's your choice.
Me: This sucks.
Him: Sorry [name]. I don't share your lightheartedness about STDs (any of them).
Me: I didn't feel lighthearted until doctors and nurses everywhere passed on that sentiment. I hate this.
Him: Yes it does. I fucked up. I should have worn a condom and it's on me for not being more direct about how this kind of thing weighs heavy on mind. But I am very bummed out right now. And I know that I'm gonna be so for a long time ahead. I fucked up.
Him: Those are some crazy docs and nurses. I think they gave you terrible advise if they didn't tell you to advise others about what they were about to get.
Me: Maybe the ones I met all had it and the idea is to make themselves feel better. Just a guess.
Me: It wasn't emphasized. But I have a conscious and I know that it was socially irresponsible. They just didn't help.
Him: This is not a lighthearted matter at all. It's not an "Ooops, my bad, what are you doing for lunch?"
In the past I have told people before sex, sometimes after. I don't follow any protocol for Informing. I WILL as a RULE follow informed consent. He took 18 months of prophylactic meds for HIV and just got off them. I knew that and still didn't inform him beforehand. I'm not perfect, but am I an awful person?
Old habits die hard?