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Tell a shit joke
- Thread starter THECATINTHEHAT
- Start date
swampdragon
Bluelighter
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Hallou-mi!
Hallou-mi!
seriously I have LOL'd at this.
foolsgold
Bluelighter
swampdragon
Bluelighter
Teheh, thank GoS's talk of food in Gibberings.. I'd forgotten about the joke until then.
Teheh, thank GoS's talk of food in Gibberings.. I'd forgotten about the joke until then.
Exactly - I think this is why I lol'd at it. Hope your day / night is going well.
Doctor, doctor
I can't stop making Marmite on toast.
You're not alone, it seems to be spreading!
I saw that on the back of an actual Marmite jar. I can see that there's pun but I don't get the humour; in fact, I don't think I understand any doctor doctor jokes. Just a few examples...
Doctor, doctor
I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor
I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor, these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, doctor
everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, doctor
I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, doctor
I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, doctor
I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!
I can't stop making Marmite on toast.
You're not alone, it seems to be spreading!
I saw that on the back of an actual Marmite jar. I can see that there's pun but I don't get the humour; in fact, I don't think I understand any doctor doctor jokes. Just a few examples...
Doctor, doctor
I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor
I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor, these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, doctor
everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, doctor
I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, doctor
I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, doctor
I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!
foolsgold
Bluelighter
billy connolly you mean bear ?
Yes :D -
foolsgold
Bluelighter
hahahahaha 
foolsgold
Bluelighter
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said, "Yes."
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said, "Yes"
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
God said, "Yes."
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said, "Yes"
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
foolsgold
Bluelighter
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
foolsgold
Bluelighter
Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.
After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.
After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
foolsgold
Bluelighter
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok no! I'm in deep doodoo now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine sunnuvabitch."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok no! I'm in deep doodoo now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine sunnuvabitch."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"