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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

Tell A Shit Joke: Number 2

No, no, no. A policeman stops a quantum physicist whom he suspects of speeding.

Do you know how fast you were going just then?

The boffin takes a drag on his pipe and then says No, officer, I'm afraid not -- but I do know where I was!
 
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A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid.

“You swore that you’d be home by 11:45!”

“No,” slurs the mathematician, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

:|

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.

The second one orders half a beer.

The third one orders a fourth of a beer.

The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

<3
 
There's an Open Day at the rubber factory, and a party are being given a guided tour of the production lines. They stop by a big machine which is making a regular series of alternating heavy thumps and short hisses. This machine, says the tour guide, is making the teats for babies' bottles. When it goes BADOOM, it's stamping out the teat; and when it goes TISSH, it's making the hole in the end.

The party then move on to an even bigger machine which is making a monotonous series of rapid thumps. This machine, says the guide, is making condoms. Hundreds of them every minute. And he patted the control panel affectionately. All of a sudden, the machine let out a sudden, quiet TISSH, then resumed its monotonous thumping.

What was that? asked one of the visitors.

Well, said the tour guide, We've got to keep the other machine going somewhow!
 
Shambles said:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.

The second one orders half a beer.

The third one orders a fourth of a beer.

The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

<3
Click to expand...

Nice=D
 
^ I though so! =D

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss!" then goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs.

"What's going on here? You said you were a woman!" exclaims a startled Pete.

"I am. I just changed my mind and am having a shit."

Apologies in advance if it's not funny enough - just needed a thread-holder and was all I could come up with in time :o
 
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal and Isaac Newton were playing a game of hide-and-seek in the park one day. Einstein closed his eyes and counted to a hundred. Pascal ran off and hid in the trees. Newton walked a few paces away, produced a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a square on the floor, one metre on a side. He had just taken up position in the centre of the square when Einstein opened his eyes.

Found you, Newton! cried Einstein. That was crap. What did you think those chalk markings were going to do, anyway?

No, said Newton, It's Pascal you've found! See -- one Newton per square metre!
 
I've told three people this joke today and everybody said it was shit.

Did you hear about the riot in the chinese takeaway?

Apparently there was wonton violence.
 
95 year old guy walks in to a bar. Sits next to an 85 year old woman. Leans over and says, "do I come here often?"
 
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