tears of loathing

[wesmdow]

this is how i feel right now. id like some constructive criticism, because its not QUITE where i want it.

streaming from the corners of my eye;
gushing. gashing a torrent of lament.
hate. despise. loathing.

the wound, the tear, the rupture--
not in half, no,
so much deeper. more profound. dominant.
deep. beckoning with sparkling eyes and a warm smile.
the weight, the burden is much to bear.

knees buckling and brow drenched,
...just one more step. move on.
move ahead, just one more...

...backwards.

each step treads deeper into oblivion.
tearing the skin, the guts, the soul
obstructing the accursed road.

alone on the icey highway, walking
against traffic
i ask why?

 

[(Wordy)]

I like what you have so far, and I really like the closing stanza.

I'd say it needs more of a narrative... something more definite needs to happen. Or maybe just some more clear, concrete, definite language needs to be added?

At the moment I can see where you're going with it, but it seems a little vague. It's not really clear what's causing all this pain and suffering. There are slight hints, but I don't think they're enough.

 

[wesmdow]

ok i revised it a bit. i think it needs ONE more going over, but im pretty satisfied at this point.

any other concerns?

(thanks wordy)

streaming from the corners of my eye;
gushing. gashing a torrent of lament.
hate. despise. loathing.

a river of plagued blood.
a torrent of abhorrence
ebbs,
flowing twixt the severed.

erowding the "solid" foundation

the wound, the tear, the rupture--
in half? no,
so much deeper. more profound. dominant.
beckoning with sparkling eyes and a warm smile.
the weight, the burden is much to bear.

knees buckling and brow drenched,
...just one more step. move on.
move ahead, just one more...

...backwards.

each step treads deeper into oblivion.
tearing the skin, the guts, the soul
obstructing the accursed road
with gruesome memories.

alone on the icey highway, walking
against traffic
i ask why?