Tears of a clown

Yeh... spot on. I know how you feel man.

People from here that I met in Melbourne might not have picked up on it because I was way out of my element and was much quieter than usual, but normally Im *very* loud.

Its funny... I guess Im a socially skilled person, but the skills make no difference to the person underneath. In a shy person I guess it might show a lot more, but people who know me well think I have no shame, when that couldnt be further from the truth. I might act shameless at the time, but that only gives my mind more ammo to rip me apart with later. :(
 
Pleonastic said:
I think the key is realising that everyone else is just as insecure as you are, and when you think they're judging you most of the time they probably aren't - they're more concerned about people judging them.
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Best advice ever!

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Pleo :)

I'm fond of the saying "the easiest place to hide is in the spotlight" and most who know me only superficially will quite likely see me as confident, glib and way too noisy... honestly tho, I did like it that way. It meant I don't have to bother with letting people close (yes there's a whole range of hangups there).

Lately tho, that's changed and it's become easier to just sit and be me. funilly enough I owe that all to Jake (tho I have no doubt he doesn't realise it) back in march when I was in perth. I'm still insecure in many ways but I'm coming to terms with who I am, embracing my failings as part of me and finding real direction.

I think everybody is insecure in some way and the ways we hide it differs greatly. Seeming confident to others is just part of the charade.
 
Cohaa: heheh, Im too scared to get a mediball though. Last time I tried to do a crunch (6 months after my op) it felt like there was a huge big needle in my stomach and each crunch, was piercing my inside. It hurt THAT MUCH. Its been a couple years since I last tried to but I'm still too scared to do it. Hmmm maybe inspiration to try some this afternoon. No better time than the present..

So, I'm off to do a few crunches soon. I bloody hope it doesn't hurt like it last did, that sucked...

Back to On topic. I think most people just judge the world as how they feel. example: Seriously, I can't imagine people fucking up on cid as I've taken vast amounts over many years (15 years its been) and never felt paranoid, crazy, insane, whatever- any bad feelings so it's hard for me to imagine others feeling *bad* during/after acid even though I know it happens. Same goes with most things (all?). I just think people treat others thinking that another person will react the same way as they would in the same situation. I think someone would get offended if I left the toilet seat up in a house because I know I get offended if I see a toilet seat up.

One thing too, an old old mad comic featured some skit where a elderly guy was thinking "oh no, I have to goto some party. I'm so scared, I hate going to parties" etc etc.. Then a shot of looking scared just as he opens the door to the party. Next shot, he's jumping around going "HI ALL!!! IT's THE PARTY ANIMAL BACK, LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!" (or something to that effect) and all the people at the party thinking 'Theres johnny! He sure is one happy person who loves parties!'. I think that sketch totally sums up the general feeling from this thread. And it's hard to remember even though we do know it, not everybody thinks the same way as we do.

Hope you managed to get what I'm trying to express, I'm a bit exhausted from shopping all day but felt I had to get this out. hehe. Hope that anyone who has negative feelings, sad on the inside simply says "AH FUCK IT! Life is worth living, I'm gonna enjoy myself to the max!" Laughter is the best medicine, I swear! :) There's no reason you need to feel depressed, just DO IT (be happy!). And there's me thinking everyone should be able to do what I do.

Not a bad post for being tired :)


*edit* About the people expecting others to react to them how they would, the cases of *ARSHOLE* drivers that cut everyone off then are the first to complain when they get cut off kills that theory. hhehe.. Nothing is ever set in stone, that's about the best theory to have :)

*2nd edit - heh* But I do agree with "and when you think they're judging you most of the time they probably aren't - they're more concerned about people judging them. " Simply, try not to let things get to you... :) Stress = BAD BAD BAD! *walks off whistling don't worry be happy* hehe

Can you tell I'm in a great mood today? Shopping does that :)
 
Muzby, welcome to the insecurites are us group.

Problem with me is that I'm not really that much of a clown anymore, not all that loud, and only really confident when it comes to work. Infact I'd say that now i'm more shy than I ever used to be, and I get more nervous about stuff too.

Yep that's right, i'm socially retarded...

I think some of us need some hugs and chocolate. :)

(sorry don't mean to sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself)

EDIT: I will try to take some of your advice wazza.
 
Firstly, I'd like to say that I hope one day, in the not too distant future I get to meet you all - I think you fuckin rock to be able to come out and be honest with yourselfs and express how you feel - don't ever loose that quality!

This rant is just a general comment and not directed at anyone.

I guess I fall under Wazza's catergory - i don't really have any perosnal insecurities about myself and maybe it boils down to age and my personal experiences. I went through a tough time in high school where I was picked on and physically abused due to my enthincity. Without boring you too much, I learnt at a very young age how to stick up for myself and also to be proud of who I was. It could have had a great negative impact on me - being alone without many friends and being tormented, but the opposite resulted.

Once I left high school socialising came quite easy to me - why? I think my attitude had a lot to do with it and it reamins the same to this day. I never had any social expectations to be accepted by people, I never felt the sociall need to be part of any group. I was quite happy being myself and not having to have to worry about any consequences - I'd been alone for so long I just come to expect it. Funny thing is, when I left the small country town I grew up in and moved to melbourne i started making friends being me - my social network just grew and grew. I even went up to Sydney for a weekend, made friends, got drunk and sobbered up a year later and went home ;)

But here's the thing, I'm not one of those vibrant outgoing people who are the life of the party and the type of person you'd normally associate as being confident. Far from it, you'd associate me as one who's not confident, until you get to know me. I don't need to be the life of the party, there's no need - you either like me for who I am or we just move on, no hard feelings. You can't be liked by everyone and nor should you strive for it. Its better to have a few good friends then a hundred acquantances who see you as the cocky larrikin. Now I'm not saying that every person who's the life of the party is hiding insecurities - far from it. There are plenty of people like Wazza who are extremely outgoing - but he's not burning inside from any insecurities. He's just a nut ;)

I guess what I'm trying to say is being yourself is the key to losing insecurities. Your true friends will accept you for who you are. Don't worry about winning people, trying to be the life of the party, agreeing with the norm and having an opnion about everything - be yourself and people worthy of respect will be attracted to you. I know this can be harder said then done, but in the end its about having the pride of being you. I've always respected the "against the grain bluelighter" for having the balls to say what they truelly believe despite the fact they get flamed. I might not agree with them, and i might even enter into an argument with them. In the end though, I highly respect them for having a mind of their own. Nothing shits me more in a serious debate than a reply of "what he/she said". I know what they said funken, but what do YOU think....fucken.

To everyone above, again much respect for being true to yourself and coming out with what you've said. In admitting what you have, you've come out with who you truelly are and said "fuck you, I'm insecure, this is me" That in itself is worthy of respect, because there are many people on this board who would be more interested in protecting their cool image. I believe you guys are the true hero's of bluelight :)

I hope this has made sense cause i haven't had much sleep *looks at his son who woke him at 5.30 am*

Thank you all :)

p.s - insecurities exist because you are trying to meet other people's expectations and you are constantly worried if you are meeting them - live to your own heart and you won't have to worry.

ok, I'll shut up now
 
^^ one of the best posts and threads I have ever read :) I can see this thread making best of bl. Some damn cool advice given and just generally damn good posts. Amazing what spring can bring :)

*cheese monger wazza signs off*


So much of what haste has said, I could almost say word for word. I was also picked on as a kid in primary school for having dyslaxia (basically, can't place my tongue where I wanted to to pronounce words so most of my vocab was a wish wash of lisp words). I didn't let this get to me, I spent many years having speech therapy to correct this and decided to show people around me the 'inner me'. I would stand up for what I believed in and never let what people said get to me. This basically earned me to be in the 'cool kids' group as I was able to make everyone laugh and stuff without letting my speech impediment getting in the way. I guess it would have been easy to let this ruin my childhood (and life?) but I simply didn't.

Also I came from a single child family who moved to a place in the middle of no where with a population of like 60. Hell, the mail still doesn't even get delivered to homes there, it has to be collected from a general store that closed at like 7ish. No pub in the place and one petrol station that closed a few years after we moved there. My parents taught me in various ways to be myself and make lots of friends cause well, not having any brothers and sisters would have been hell boring for me if I had no friends. They were quite old when they had me and were not going to have any more children (who can blame them after they had me :p ).

Well, I hope people have learned something/lots of things from this thread. I've had people say to me "It's not easy getting lots of friends etc, you've had it easy your whole life I bet" and simply, I didn't. I overcame the odds as a kid and it was for the better I hope. Anyone with some will and determination get where they want to, don't let others stop you :)

And I'm not stupid, I know some/a lot of people here don't agree with my views but hey, if we all were the same, how boring would it be. This thread has really inspired me somewhat more to be even happier in life. Let's all have a big grin on our face after we have read this. Grin! It will make others wonder why you are grinning. heheh Happy happy joy joy thread :)

*who sprayed PLUR in my face today??? hehehheeh *


*edit - and to PEKKIE! in regards to
Problem with me is that I'm not really that much of a clown anymore, not all that loud, and only really confident when it comes to work. Infact I'd say that now i'm more shy than I ever used to be, and I get more nervous about stuff too.

Yep that's right, i'm socially retarded... [q/uote]

Woahhh, after spending time with ya at various places, we have always had great times. You are one hell of a cool person to hang out with, I wouldn't call you socially retarded, especially just having chill sessions with you. That time you guys hung out at my place was DAMN FUN. See, you aren't socially retarded, maybe just growing up in one avenue of your life :) We live close, so lets hang out more. And to anyone else, if you feel you ever need to hang out with someone, try messaging someone on here you think you would get along with or live close by. It's amazing what some fresh company can do!

I have felt that my social life was low (dying?) when I've been hell busy with work but it's just because I was too busy to do the social thang' . We all live in cycles as well for certain aspects of our life, that was one of mine. Plus I blame winter too, who wants to go out when it's freezing cold. Old man Sam (me)'s bones can't handle it *winks*
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We ALL suffer loneliness (even the most popular of us) and we ALL have insecurities about ourselves (for which of us is perfect?). The greatest mistake one can make as an individual is to believe that you are the only one feeling that depth of loneliness, insecurity, depression (if that's what manifests) etc, or that only you have these insecurities to deal with.

While its true that realising your actual state of mind may make you feel more or less depressive about that state, it certainly helps to know that wherever you are, most people have been there deeper, and well before, you. No-one is immune from insecurity and as others have already noted, some of the biggest show-offs in this world are actually out there describing, as loudly as they can, the water they are in fact drowning in.

Take heart, dear clown. You are most definitely not alone in this 3 ring circus! ;)
 
^^
yep!

i used to beat myself up about being so contradictory in the way i think. but thats what makes me, me.

and wazza, always doling out great advice! yaaay! PLUR all round peeps!
 
thanx guys for all your replies..

its amazing, in the two weeks since i first posted this, your replies and seeing that there are others like me has really helped me to accept me for who i am and not try to live up to everyone else's expectations /me gives the finger to the world ;)

thanx again guys... good to see bluelight heading back to its old ways... :D
 
just requesting that this thread be archived again...it doesn't seem to be attracting any further posts anymore, and i figured i should say it now before i forget!
 
1234 - if it drops from the front page with no more replies i'll move it to best of bluelight :)
 
I'm Just giving this thread a "Bumping"

This some's me up... Thanks heaps for the PM About it Muz... You rock. I think that deep down inside there's alot of people like this. People that spend every moment of there life trying to make other people happy, smile, or laugh and giggle. And yet some of us don't want ANYTHING in return. Because as soon as we start getting too friendly with the other people, they want to start getting too close to us, and I personally don't like it... Why? Because it means that I have to tell the people what's going on in my head, what problems I'm going through. And I can't stand it, because in my head "Why should I have to put all my problems on to another person"... Instead I'll listen to them, and smile and usually crack a few jokes...

It's a problem that ALOT of people suffer from, hell personally it almost drove me to Suicide 5-6 weeks ago. But thanks to a bunch of BL'ers who I will actually name
C-O-T-B
Duckboy
Iamtha1
KandyRaverChick
kazza_baby
Keystroke

And ESPECIALLY
Lah Lah Gatecrasher
Muzby
Pop Popavich....

Thanks heaps guys, I know I've only just come into your lives' recnetly, but although it may not seem like much, the way you guys have treated me since I met you all has meant SOOOOO O much to me :D.....
 
Tears Of A Clown Part Deux

muzby said:
okay... this is a little bit of a personal thread for me.. sumfin i dont normally do... so i'll probably pour my heart out... so please be nice... but anyhoo, here goes..

i've done a bit of self analysing recently, and it has only been after talking with heaps of other ppl that i have realised that i am not alone in feeling this way.. (THANK GOD!!)

but yeah, more on to wot i am actually talking about...

as the thread said.. its along the lines of "the tears of a clown theory" (the fact that its those who make everyone laff are the ones that are the most depressed in real life)

well, people always say to me that they are amazed at how confident (and almost arrogant at times) i am and have said that they wished they could be like that...

but deep down i am probably one of the most insecure people i know... i am forever needing people around me, needing validation from others about my work, and always need to have my phone ringing to feel content.. i'm one of these people that can't grab a movie and just be by myself.. hopefully a few of u know this feeling... feeling like u have no-one, yet everyone u speak to tells u that u have lots of friends..

but yeah.. why have i written this thread? i dunno... is it to see if there are more out there who feel this way? i plug for help? am i just bored? i dunno...

but yeah, as i said at the start, i've pored my heart out here, sumfin i dont normally do.. so pls be nice... :\
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Well I've asked the mod's to bring it back, but there all too slow hehe (joke dammit!!!)
The actual link is here http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=98646&highlight=clown

I think that this is absolutly awesome. It describes' soooooooo much. Muz YOU ROCK....
This sums me up so well... I think that deep down inside there's alot of people like this. People that spend every moment of there life trying to make other people happy, smile, or laugh and giggle. And yet some of us don't want ANYTHING in return. Because as soon as we start getting too friendly with the other people, they want to start getting too close to us, and I personally don't like it... Why? Because it means that I have to tell the people what's going on in my head, what problems I'm going through. And I can't stand it, because in my head "Why should I have to put all my problems on to another person"... Instead I'll listen to them, and smile and usually crack a few jokes...

It's a problem that ALOT of people suffer from, hell personally it almost drove me to Suicide 5-6 weeks ago. But thanks to a bunch of BL'ers who I will actually name
C-O-T-B
Duckboy
Iamtha1
KandyRaverChick
kazza_baby
Keystroke

And ESPECIALLY
Lah Lah Gatecrasher
Muzby
Pop Popavich....

Thanks heaps guys, I know I've only just come into your lives' recnetly, but although it may not seem like much, the way you guys have treated me since I met you all has meant SOOOOO O much to me .....
 
<3

As long as there are kind hearted, loving, intelligent and unique souls like yourself, Muzby and others who cry these desperate longing tears, *we* will be here. :)
The delvers, who aren't content to watch someone crack their jokes and hide behind their laughing friends.

Glad we could be of help to someone like you. :)
hearthrob.gif
 
Interesting thread ;) that I feel I can relate to.

I'd describe myself as that too.

Except,my problem, so to speak is I currently don't like alot of people.I think most people are selfish and stupid.

From my experience, in recent years, most people I've gotten to TRULY know turn out to be this way.People,I've met from all walks of life and different ages and sexes.Sadly,long time friends,who I discovered are like this,when I've got to know them better in recent years

Yes,I crack jokes, to get over the fact I don't like many people.Also, for the fact that at times I feel lonely,depressed and think this is mainly a sad world.

Interestingly,I have a VERY high view of myself.In fact it probably could be considered too high,he,he,he,he,he......... :p ;) .

I use to be happier.I guess that was when I was TOTALLY ignorant of the world.Hence,the saying: "Ignorance Is Bliss" :( .
 
"feeling like you have no-one, yet everyone you speak to tells you you have lots of friends" *SNAP*

I worked out a while ago that I was a loner who had friends, and some really good ones at that... I don't know how much sense this will make to people though!

I'll try to explain: In terms of getting along with people, sure, I feel I generally get along with people quite easily. As for fitting in, I never feel like I quite fit in - not through primary school, not through secondary school, not today...

This used to bother me greatly - I ached for companionship! If I wasn't on the phone every spare second - heavin forbid 8(. These days, I don't care for that anymore - I'd actually rather *not* have obsessive ammounts of phone calls clogging up *my* time. I'm often deep in thought, thoughoughly enjoying those thoughts too, I might add! ;) SMS's and brief purposeful conversations are certaintly the way to go. In saying that, there are a few people who I like to call me - these are a). people who I feel I can help with a problem, b). people who I see a very unique quality in, or c). people who I'm *very* close to. In reality, there's not a lot of people I'd *want* to call me on a daily basis. A couple of sms's a day and I'm more than satisfied.. :)

I don't know why the change of heart - I guess I feel the only reason I used to have to be associating with people all the time was to fill a gap.. the feeling of 'not fitting in'. I'm comfortable with that now though - I don't feel I really 'need' to fit in. I realised I could be happiest being me, doing my own thing. Regardless of what anyone thinks! Sure, if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason - I still wonder 'why?' and may be taken a bit aback, however it doesn't deeply bother me like it once did.

I guess *acceptance* is a very strong and meaningful word. I think it really comes down to accepting yourself as a person, rather than wanting other people to accept you - prior to you accepting yourself!
 
kandyraverchick said:
"feeling like you have no-one, yet everyone you speak to tells you you have lots of friends" *SNAP*

I worked out a while ago that I was a loner who had friends, and some really good ones at that... I don't know how much sense this will make to people though!
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I totally understand what you mean ;) .

Also,I didn't 'fit in' at high school.So,I know what you mean.

Interesting and nice to hear people being 'honest' and 'open' here =D .
 
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