Tears of a clown

muzby

muzby

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 12, 2001
Messages
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okay... this is a little bit of a personal thread for me.. sumfin i dont normally do... so i'll probably pour my heart out... so please be nice... but anyhoo, here goes..

i've done a bit of self analysing recently, and it has only been after talking with heaps of other ppl that i have realised that i am not alone in feeling this way.. (THANK GOD!!)

but yeah, more on to wot i am actually talking about...

as the thread said.. its along the lines of "the tears of a clown theory" (the fact that its those who make everyone laff are the ones that are the most depressed in real life)

well, people always say to me that they are amazed at how confident (and almost arrogant at times) i am and have said that they wished they could be like that...

but deep down i am probably one of the most insecure people i know... i am forever needing people around me, needing validation from others about my work, and always need to have my phone ringing to feel content.. i'm one of these people that can't grab a movie and just be by myself.. hopefully a few of u know this feeling... feeling like u have no-one, yet everyone u speak to tells u that u have lots of friends..

but yeah.. why have i written this thread? i dunno... is it to see if there are more out there who feel this way? i plug for help? am i just bored? i dunno...

but yeah, as i said at the start, i've pored my heart out here, sumfin i dont normally do.. so pls be nice... :\
 
there is nothing wrong with insecurity or to feel validated or even approval, i think that's quite human. well, human enough for me too anyway.

just as there is nothing wrong with feeling fear.

but i think, the trick is, and this is the hard bit, to not let these feelings or needs, get to you. to be able to recognise them for what they are, rationalise them, and not let them rule you.

and the problem with needing people around you... do you feel the need to be distracted so you dont have to face yourself alone, or do you feel like other people define the person you think you are? are you lost when you're alone because you have come to rely too much on people's approval to define yourself?

it's not that hard to spend time with yourself. you dont have to be sitting alone watching a movie, that kinda defeats the point i think. but try taking walks alone, with music, or sit down somewhere alone (in a garden, in a cafe, on a bench at the train station) and read a book.

learn how to be comfortable with yourself and away from people's conceptions and expectations, you will be yourself.

well, im hardly a counsellor to be advising thus, and this might get better response from life or the dark side... PM me if you want this moved.
 
nah.. thanks for the offer vurt... its mainly only a thing to see if there r others out there... :)
 
.dR spgeddi said:
friends laugh when i tell them i'm shy.
Click to expand...

Ditto.

I'm godawful shy when it comes to things I really care about. Like if I see a guy I wanna fuck, sure I'll just go for it, but if I really like him then I freeze up and turn into a total 12 year old.

Likewise, I'm quite happy to act like the world's biggest dick in the middle of a shopping centre or something, but if I'm meeting people whose opinions I care about then I'm all quiet and introverted until I know it's okay to come out of my shell.

Most of my friends don't remember any of this from meeting me though, they only see me as being a nut once they've gotten to know me...and so nobody believes that I'm shy. Similarly, people I know are always really shocked to find that I'm depressed. It's not that I hide anything, it's just really important for me for people around me to be happy, and so people don't often see me as anything other than a clown I guess.

So yeah, it's very common Muzby....so you're not a freak for being a sad clown...what was his name, Pagliacco? Something...the fucking sad clown, I dunno....

...mutters off Grandpa Simpson-stylee.....

--Raz--
 
^^^^^^ sums me up perfectly Raz!!! (well, everything except wanting to fuck guys.. ;) )
 
/me repeats what everyone else has already said...

but it's true. i don't know *anyone* as insecure as i am, and all through high school i had a lot of difficulty, but since i started uni i've probably gotten a lot better. i'm still just as insecure as ever, but i've gotten a lot better around others i think...
 
didn't come out like i'd hoped :)

what i mean to say is that there are plenty of other insecure people out there (and most of the time we're the ones who spend most of our time trying to entertain others or make them laugh...just don't tell 'em it's for our own self-serving insecure purposes ;)), but it obviously can be overcome to a certain degree.

i'm never gonna be mr. popularity or anything, because i'm painfully shy when it comes to trying to impress anyone or make new friends, but the friends i *do* have i'm really close to, and i can't ask for any more.

insecurity does seem to permeate everything though, and that's what causes me the most trouble. i can't seem to do *anything* without that fucking annoying feeling of self-doubt (and everyone who's reading this and nodding along...well, only a few of you - those who *really* identify with this thread - really experience the same kind of self-doubt as this) coming up...i write something, and need constant approval from friends and academics...i play sport and constantly tell everyone how shit i am...blah blah blah. it sucks.

but it *is* manageable - as with most people that are *afflicted* (perhaps it might seem like too strong a word, but i honestly don't think so) with similar feelings, it is possible to get on with lives, have friends, have success, and occasionally actually believe a person when they give you a compliment. *very* occasionally. i often wonder if i'm just really unlucky to be a cynic (cynicism and insecurity *do* go hand in hand, but it ain't a fun combo), or if my cynicism is an actual *product* of my insecurites and plaguing doubts?

now, that's a longer post :)
 
I dunno if What Im about to say is going to come out right.

Brad (oops 1234), I cant understand why you would be so shy, as what Ive seen in quite alot of posts, is that you always have something to say, and what you do write about is not boring and I know alot of people enjoy reading your posts.

P.s I think personally that you are a very smart person, who seems to get along with alot of ppl off BL.
 
I don't think afflicted is too strong a word at all...and I do agree that it can be manageable. I think the only way it can be manageable though is to basically take a leap of faith. The two best pieces of advice I ever had were these:
  • Don't base your self-esteem on anyone else's opinion,
    and
  • When people compliment you, fucking well accept it. ;)

The first one came from an incredibly good counsellor I had a million years ago. He taught me that the first step in feeling good about yourself lies in not letting anyone else's opinions affect your self-image. It's at least as hard as it sounds, but basically there's always going to be someone smarter, better-looking and more talented than you are. Why let it bother you?

The second is even older...a girl who became a good friend of mine for ages complimented me on my drawing once in Year 12, and I did my usual "ahh it's not that good" brush-off. She cracked the shits and promptly told me that she wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it, and for the first time I didn't feel guilty about acknowledging the fact that I have talents. There's nothing wrong or big-headed about knowing your strengths, and when you're feeling low it can make all the difference in the world to know there's some area at least where you feel confident and in control.

--Raz-- :)
 
Yeah muzby man i'm exactly the same, been trying to overcome it all my life and I seem to be making progress but sometimes at the top of my confidence trip something will happen and I turn shy again and then I realise that there's a lot more work to be done.
I think it's a trait of character and it will follow us through our lives, we'll always be somewhat "limited" by this trait but it also spells out our personality.
 
Don't base your self-esteem on anyone else's opinion,
and

When people compliment you, fucking well accept it.
Click to expand...

some of the BEST advice I have seen. Seriously, that is awesome. I tend to suffer a bit from insecurity, but not as much as I used to. I became very comfortable with myself as a person and stopped giving a shit about what other people thought or think about me. Although there is still a small part inside of me that does care and does get hurt at times, it has become a lot easier to get over it as I have gotten older.

The second point you make Raz is something that I also have a problem with, I am constantly self-deprecating with compliments. It's a bit stupid really but I don't really like people telling me that I am smart or talented at stuff - well I do, as much as anyone does, the thing I don't like is feeling awkward about it and listening to the little voice inside me which says: you could have done that SO much better. This for me is the problem a bit, I used to be much much more of a perfectionist than I am now, infact I repeated Year 11 because I wasn't happy with my results. I chose to do it as opposed to needing to do it, I wasn't confident that I could still get a decent Uni entrance mark otherwise (Yr 11 does count quite a bit towards your UAI in Canberra). Now I am mostly over the perfectionism but I have moved a little towards apathy, which is very difficult to get over at times, but I still have some motivation and that is helping me towards my goals :)

Muzby, mate, you are a very very talented person, I know this and I respect a lot for it, one of the things that really impresses me about you is that whenever you set yourself a goal, you go at it like nothing else and you achieve, succeed and even exceed yourself at times. You do have the confidence inside you just need to release it. The one thing that I still have the annoys me is that I get a little anxious about stuff that I don't understand or have never done before sometimes to the point of putting things off indefinitely. The way that I have gotten around this has been to just bite the fucking bullet and do it, I mean how difficult is it to use the quick cheque deposit envelope in the bank, but I seriously was getting a little anxious about fucking it up. For me its stupid things like that and me being comfortable with what I know. So what you need to do is just get out there and do something that you haven't done before, and do it by yourself, doesn't need to be anything big but it will be a start, doing stuff by yourself increases your self-confidence and is also great for contemplation.

You definitely aren't the only one in the boat :)

CB.
 
i think even the most confident among us have insecurities about aspects of ourselves :)
 
i used to be terribly insecure too. i'm not completely over it yet. it certainly doesnt happen over-night.

i've always felt very alone...and i've always been quite naive or "innocent" but on the other hand, i can still see the reality beneath all the shit that goes on in this world.

let me remind u, i'm 2 people....i have very contradictory views about everything and the more i think about it, the more confused i am.
anyways, as i got older i started to realise my insecurities werent about myself, but other people. it may sound arrogant, but i've never felt that i am incapable of anything. i wasnt brought up that way.

and no matter how much i try to be my own psychologist and figure out where these feelings come from, i cant pin them on any one event. it seems to me that my downfall has always been that people underestimate me. i seem quite timid externally and a little bit ditzy. so people hold me at a certain level in their heads and will not see me above that. kinda like blinkers (i think too many ppl have those on).

because i wont push myself on someone (personality-wise), they dont ever see that they've hurt me. my way of dealing with it is to cut them out of my life.

but back to the point of the thread...externally people dont see all this that goes on in my head. as they get to know me (cos i'm not exactly lacking friends) they think that everythings all fine and dandy and that everything comes easily for me.

and as i'm becoming more confident, things do come easier. and i realise that if people dont like who i am then its their fault, not mine. and their loss too. i try to stay away from those people who are bitter and pessimistic. i dont want anyone bringing me down, or themselves. i'm a major optomist and i cant stand it when people think the world is out to get them.

shit that was long!!
 
Muzby, dude... I know I'm sorta going to be repeating what everyone else is saying, but I need to put my 2 cents worth in too ;)

I thought I was one of the most confident people I knew; always knew how to entertain a crowd, and how to deal with all situations. But lately I have become someone that I didn't know existed inside me.

Everything gets me down- work, uni, how I look, and just generally who I am. This has come as the biggest shock, because all of a sudden, not only am I not who I thought I was but I have become almost the complete opposite.

Some days I don't know what to do with myself, but other days I know I'll be ok. As whiteboy told me to do, I now look at all the happy things and try to get out of my hole that way.

To all those who know me... I hope this isn't a massive shock to you. I am ok, I promise...

Muzby, I think it is all part of self discovery- it is scary, but the people around you will still love you for what you are if they're worth it :) PM me if you wanna chat!

xxxx
 
muzby said:
(the fact that its those who make everyone laff are the ones that are the most depressed in real life)

but deep down i am probably one of the most insecure people i know... i am forever needing people around me, needing validation from others about my work, and always need to have my phone ringing to feel content.. i'm one of these people that can't grab a movie and just be by myself.. feeling like u have no-one, yet everyone u speak to tells u that u have lots of friends..
Click to expand...


i had the most depressing day today and when i read this...i cried more...

muzby angel your thoughts and words could not of hit closer to home to me...i felt like i was lookin in a mirror :(

all my love
kel
 
I think the key is realising that everyone else is just as insecure as you are, and when you think they're judging you most of the time they probably aren't - they're more concerned about people judging them.

Now if only I could take my own advice... :\
 
^^^^ ha, I find that funny. I don't give a fuck who judges me at all or else I wouldn't do what I do(people who know me know what I'm talking about).. I think you are right off the mark there. The only insecurity that I can think of (Ive been thinking of this hard for the past couple days actually) is I actually think I have a fat belly because of my hospital stay stopped me from doing the few hundred crunches I used to do daily and I've become a 'fatty' (In respect to my belly).

But then again, you may be right for the majority and I am the freakazoid that everyone tells me that I am :) I honestly can't agree with that statement from my personal stand point as I totally do not care who judges me from what I do except in a professional basis (work, 'professional acquaintances') but socially, I do what I want to do.
 
^^^ yeah, i think you're right wazza. sure, a *lot* of people have *some* insecurities, and some people have a lot of insecurities...but i really don't think there are too many people who are as insecure as what has been posted in this thread...i really don't believe it's that common.
 
:)

insecurities, well i think most of the people here know mine so i won't go into horrid detail yet again, but yeah... i am a very insecure person when it comes to social interaction. if i am doing something i am good at i am confident and bold and bordering on (if not totally and utterly) arrogant (well i used to be moreso, but i've curbed it hopefully, probably, maybe, well... nahhhh... when it comes to what i'm good at... I'M FUCKING GOOD! hehehe).

muzby : dude... the time i spent with you in canberra and on the ski-trip was great. you treated me so well and didn't hesitate to help me when i needed it. i regard you as a friend, and i hope you regard me in the same way. i feel the same way as you sometimes, i really don't feel i have any friends. but i guess its what you regard as a friend.

maybe the friendship you desire is more closely going to be matched in a relationship.

the other day a girl who i've known for a while told me that i was the most confident person she has ever met and it scared her how confident i was... and that she wished she was more like me. i said in response "how on earth do you think that, i have so little confidence its not funny"... but then she said "you just don't see it, do you?"... dude... you have SUPREME confidence. as i said to you, you're a fucking champion :)

i know how you feel, you're not alone. my only advice is to maybe channel yourself into what you know you are good at within yourself. i've seen you at work and you know what you want and you have a very good plan of how to get there... but i don't need to tell you this, you know it.

anyways... i'm going thru exactly the same thing myself. read some of the singles thread for the advice that was given me. basically, the bottom line is that if you identify a problem with yourself then take action yourself and don't rely on others to do it for you. take life by the balls and make it yours. own the bitch! :)

wazza : get a mediball... that'll sort out ur gut ;)

overcome your fears... the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. thanks for that FDR! :)

Cohaa.
 
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