Dunno... I'm really impressed by how clearly and compassionately you're thinking about and experiencing all this. Your husband's a lucky guy (tho I'm also sorry to hear he's deep into WDs).
I wanted to to edit a bit of what I said, in light of a good point you made...the traditional al-anon mantra of protecting yourself from a virulently ill spouse is mostly a one-size-fits-all answer to a highly individual set of problems. There's some truth to what they sell, but there's no substitute for following your instincts, along with a healthy dose of skepticism and observation of details on the ground. I just wanted to make sure that I separated my urging that you protect yourself from the often-adversarial dynamic that's commonly offered to folks in your position. Mainly, I just want you to take care of yourself. If nothing else, you can't support your husband if you're under water.
yes, the lying. That has certainly been the toughest thing on my own marriage. It's also the thing that ultimately got me to ask for help (well, that and a few other issues). My hunch is that your husband is mourning his ability to be honest with you. Without knowing him, I obviously can't say for sure. Nobody wants to be caught in a network of lies, especially to people they love.
This brings up one other facet worth mentioning. One thing you might think about...I think a great way to help your husband might be to remind him periodically that an honest relationship isn't off the table--I.e. That you and your relationship aren't lost to him. It could be a very helpful motivator as he sets about the hard work of early recovery, knowing that a reward may be regaining his authentic relationship with you. One thing that makes recovery so hard is that the rewards are so abstract and intangible. It makes things easier if a person in recovery can keep in mind some concrete rewards that will fall into place as their life stabilizes.
Of of course the tough part of all this is that in recovery, making promises is risky. Unfortunately we never know how situations will play out. So, unfortunately, you'll need to strike a balance between letting him know that he hasn't burned bridges and asserting that stringing you along in the short term is not ok. This is the kind of stuff that makes all this very difficult to pull off in practice