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Treatment Supporting a spouse

Dunno22 said:
Hey everybody. I'm just hoping to gain some insight into how to be more helpful and supportive for my husband in his recovery process (opioids/heroin). It's not going very well and I just really don't understand what goes on in his head. It's kind of foreign territory for me because I've never been addicted and have never used drugs (aside from weed for a few months as a teenager). So if anyone is interested in sharing, what is the best thing your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend has done to help or support you? Or likewise what do you wish they would have done differently?
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My wife is going through the same: She has actually had to have counselling to learn how to deal with me. And that really isn't uncommon.

I can only repeat what I have said to my therapists and recovery workers and what they have told me:

First and foremost he is probably feeling tremendous guilt. I am still struggling with this. It's very likely he is getting thoughts like "I do not deserve her. I have ruined everything between us." and it's likely he has thoughts spinning around his head thinking of happier times before he was addicted - and the weird part is that those happy memories actually bring tremendous suffering because he feels like he does not deserve them because he's become an addict.
Well, all those thoughts and feelings are actually a form of mental self-harm: He is figuratively beating himself with a stick, mentally, because he feels like he deserves to be punished.
I get this feeling from your later posts when you get angry for him for lying about his use and he goes away and goes and scores more heroin - first thing to remember about this is that you have every right to be angry and not enable him, but it's also important to remember this behaviour comes from intense feelings of guilt and low self-worth but on the positive side also does really show he cares about you very much still.

Guilt and feelings of low self-worth and feelings you need to be punished are very common, even though they are illogical and ultimately self-destructive. Getting over this guilt unfortunately does take time, patience and effort. Someone already said patience is really important and yes, it really is. But the very fact you have gone to the lengths to start a profile here and post about this shows to me your relationship is strong :) You wouldn't be here if you didn't love him and he wouldn't feel so guilt ridden if he didn't love you. So take that as a huge positive.

My wife is going to see a counselor at my outpatient rehab every 2 weeks and she said it's been absolutely amazing for her. I don't know if this an option for you but i'd really recommend you give it a go. But each to their own of course.

You have to take care of yourself during this period too. You are no good to him or anyone if you let yourself get depressed about this too and he will drag himself down with you.

In terms of what you can do: My wife just appreciates the fact I am trying everything I am offered through my treatment. I am working (we are both self-employed which is a huge help) as much as I can but i'm only running at maybe 25% of my capacity. She is fine with that and has taken the work on for me. After all, I would do the same when she gets sick.
She sometimes walks me to my appointments. We spend at least 2 hours quality time together a day, like watching shows we like in the evening, or sometimes just actually sitting down and chatting (it's amazing how many people don't do this - just brew some tea and talk to each other): Whatever it is, just make sure you are connecting.

On the flipside, actually spending some time apart can be very healthy too. My wife is going back to Canada to visit her friends and family, for 3 months: She deserves it after everything we have been through the past year. I am sad and anxious about spending 3 months apart, but it's really not that bad: Military families have to deal with it and most do perfectly fine for even longer periods! It may sound negative that you want some time to be apart, but it's not - in every relationship you need time apart. And in this situation it can be really beneficial for both parties: He can focus on his recovery, and you can focus on you and get some downtime. Your life does not have to stop because of him, and nor should it. That is not being selfish, it is being sensible and mature to the situation.

Hope this helps in some way.

F'loki
 
You're all welcome! As I said, it's just what i've learnt about myself so far through my counselling in outpatient clinic. The guilt aspect of recovery is huge and is all part of learning to love yourself again, which is - I think - the most important thing to focus on during recovery, because then you can move on to fixing damaged relationships and friendships.

Patience is really key to this: It will take time for some people to trust ex-addicts again, and that's something that is tough, but unfortunately it's something they have to patiently work through.

Sounds like you are doing well to be honest Dunno22. It's an enormous test for both of you, but when you come out the other side, you'll feel like you understand each other more deeply then ever and thus will be stronger then ever.

Looking forward to see how it progresses with you here.

Take care

F'loki
 
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the control that addiction has over a person vs. their actual personality, and I'm not really getting anywhere. Like my husband is an addict, and I understand that some of his behavior is attributable to his addiction, but there's gotta be a lone somewhere that he is accountable for his own actions, right? We have literally no money, scraping by enough to pay our bills every month, sometimes with help from our parents. I went back to work 4 weeks after having our second baby in December, I work outdoors with both kids with me because I don't make enough to afford daycare. So I'm literally busting my ass trying to just barely get by. Then we got our tax return (a large part of which was the "baby credit" they give you for having a baby, if you've ever birthed a child you know I earned that money lol), he never told me that he had gotten the tax return and blew all of it on drugs and his wannabe drug dealer career. Like yeah I get that addicts do messed up shit, but this just isn't a good man. He's now (supposedly) around 10 days clean w/ Suboxone and still dealing. Obviously an opiate addict dealing pills isn't a great strategy for recovery and it also makes me really concerned for the safety​ of my family. You don't mess with Mama bear's Cubs and he's really pushing the boundaries with mama right now
 
To clarify (I was ranting), the tax refund thing bugs me and makes me feel totally disrespected, but I could move past that and get over it. What really is giving me pause is the fact that he's still dealing when he's trying to clean up. So it's not bc he needs the money for drugs.
 
I only say I'd lose my shit because I know exactly how hard it is to struggle.

And if you went back to work early and are taking care of the kids while you're working and he's not holding a job while you bust your ass and then spent the tax return that I'm sure you had spent a million ways?!?!?! ugh, girl, I'm pissed for you. But money is a sensitive subject for me, because I do everything on my own.

In regards to selling, I know I don't have the willpower to say no when what I like is around.

I don't have any advice but I stand with you.
 
When I found out about the tax refund I took a few days to think about it and was thisclose to saying I'm done with this nonsense, but he had literally just started a Suboxone program and I felt like I could be shooting myself in the foot if I went through all of this turmoil to call it quits when there's a chance he might actually get it together. But then just a few days ago I found out (not from him, we but there is zero doubt) that he's dealing. So I just don't freaking know anymore.
 
Dunno22, I would say what he did with the tax return hiding it from you like that is totally inappropriate. Beyond inappropriate actually.

The reason that the vast majority of people who has struggled with their own substance use deal drugs is not to make money, but to support their habit. So, to the degree he is doing it to make money, don't kid yourself. He is doing it to make money to support his own drug using lifestyle.

That doesn't sound compatible with the kind of family lifestyle you want for yourself and your kids. Frankly, he needs more help than you (or any spouse) could give. He needs professional treatment, and it doesn't sound like buprenorphine is working well enough for him. Something that is much more structured like a methadone based outpatient clinic program might be better for him, but ultimately he is the one who needs to come to understand that that kind of drug using/dealing lifestyle isn't compatible with the end of lifestyle you want for your family.

Until he understands that, I doubt he will find the strength he needs to not use for himself alone.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with this dunno. This sounds really shitty. You clearly work so hard, you don't deserve this kind of shit. I mean no one does, not even your partner, but he's responsible for his own actions and decisions, just as you are for yours.
 
I have just relapsed hard and have been hiding my use from my wife, drug workers, counselors, the past few weeks. The power opiates (and other drugs) have over an individual is terrifying: I have lied constantly to the person I love most in my life, hid my use, spent money that she earned on heroin etc. Yet I still think deep down I am pretty good guy and a lot of old friends I run into are really shocked when they find out I was that quiet, well mannered kid at school turned out to be the one who went on to be a junkie. I think maybe that speaks volumes about how much control addiction and drugs can have over an individual. Does it excuse this behaviour? Absolutely NOT. But it explains it.

I don't really know if this answers the question "who is the real person vs the addiction?", but it's a very good question to ask. To be honest, opiates and drugs have such a hold over me that I am actually thinking that getting divorced would be better for both parties. I don't want my wife to be with someone who is not going to give her the life she wants: She wants to go out drinking and getting drunk (alcohol doesn't interest me anymore - stimulants just fuck my sleep up and I am trying to quit diazepam right now for hardcore insomnia so cannot use them) yet wont allow me to use opiates. I feel it's a little unfair. But I understand nonetheless as I have stolen and done shitty things to her in the past (though she has done shitty things whilst drunk...but let's not get into a competition of who is the biggest asshole on their drug of choice lol), so I get why she feels this way.

At the end of the day I guess what I am trying to say is that your partner is probably a good guy - maybe even a great guy - underneath the addiction. But you cannot wait forever for him to get himself of his addiction, and you shouldn't feel obliged to stick with him when he is essentially stealing from you....Maybe, just maybe, all you can do is walk away rather than be dragged down by him. I know that must feel shitty, but sometimes in life - a lot actually - we have to choose the harder path, one that is really unpleasant and will bring us a lot of heartbreak and grief, but ultimately will make us more content and happier in the long run.

And I say this as someone who may be losing his wife soon due to him being a bit of a junkie....

But I am manning up and accepting that it might be time to part ways with the love of my life...And I really do love her. It'll destroy me initially - like to the point I may not ever recover - but I think I love her too much to drag her down with me, so I may be sacrificing myself for her because I actually give a shit about her. I'd rather I fuck up my life than her be unhappy with me. That might me being self-destructive. It might me be genuinely selfless. I have no idea.

But you gotta do what makes you happy.

F'loki
 
How are you doing F'loki? Have you talked openly about these feelings with your partner? Hearing their take would help give you an idea of whether these kinds of beliefs you are having are self-destructive or selfiess for better or worse (or in other words, whether they are helpful for you or not).

I have a feeling she'd rather be unhappy than see you fuck up your life :( <3
 
F'loki...man, your post just above gave me chills b/c you sound a *lot* like me when I used to think about the relationship between my addiction and my marriage.

Try to remember: just like the addiction can make a person behave like a dick, it can also cloud your vision and make extreme measures like divorce seem more plausible than you'd otherwise consider them. Man, I used to believe way deep down that divorce or suicide were the only compassionate things I could offer my wife. But things get better. Our relationship is still healing from some of my choices. But it IS healing. Be kind to yourself...and be kind to your wife. I bet that in a few months, the landscape will look very different for the two of you.

Feel free to PM me if you'd ever like to discuss this is more detail. I really feel for you. And I send you all my best wishes.
<3
 
Thanks both for your replies.

Yeah it's funny how things change in a day....

I explained on another thread just now what went down today...

I basically lost it with outpatient rehab and my doctors GP surgery today - suddenly saw how completely useless and detrimental they have been to my recovery and I am dropping out of both and just getting off the benzos myself....Opiates are not a major problem compared to them.

I talked about this with my wife....It was a heated discussion, but ultimately it has lead to a bit of an awakening: She doesn't care if I do heroin, just don't do it every day again and do shit like steal (so basically be a "chipper" again - something I achieved for years fine before recently), otherwise it is game over. She absolutely gets how my outpatient rehab has ended up being a bit of a clusterfuck and is relieved I am actually leaving and just finishing my benzo taper myself, and, more importantly, she is relieved I giving up on the abstinence: She said ever since I took that decision I have been miserable. I have to accept it's just not in my nature to be abstinent and she is relieved now she can actually do coke occasionally again lol So actually all along my abstinence was just shitty for everyone; It was putting restrictions on my wife by making her feel like she couldn't do this around me. I kind of had it all wrong.

This may come as somewhat as a surprise to people that have followed my blog and posts the past few months: I have gone from doing too many opiates, which set my benzo taper back a bit, I got cut off from my doctor with my diazepam taper despite me getting down to 6mgs (I am now on 21mgs, so go figure) and forced into outpatient rehab, which convinced me I was an addict and should go for total abstinence, and was generally shit at dealing with benzo withdrawals and tapering, and then started throwing anti-depressants at me which just completely fucked me up.

It came to loggerheads this morning with rampant suicidal thoughts, another trip to a doctor, another load of bullshit from him and my outpatient rehab who refused to prescribe me a z-drug twice a week for crippling insomnia (even though this is how any type of benzo drug should be used IMO). My wife came with me so finally got to see the whole shit show system herself. I think this changed things dramatically. Suddenly she saw how it's been detrimental to me and we spoke about it and I decided to just drop out completely of the outpatient rehab - she is totally supportive and gets it.

And yeah all this talk of divorce was me being a self-destructive asshole. Not the compassionate guy I thought I was being. Addiction can cloud your judgement for sure, but so can the so called cures, like anti-depressants and asshole doctors who are completely clueless about how to deal with certain addictions....

So I guess if there is one thing I could tell the OP from all this: Really communicate for one thing. And if your partner doesn't want to go to rehab then that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Talk about how you can kick it together. I honestly believe - though my entire experience of rehab has been tainted by terrible doctors and case workers - that the best thing you can do to kick a drug is to kick it yourself and don't approach the medical community: But I guess if he wont listen, the only thing you can do is be persistent, don't enable his behaviour and if you really love him keep up with the persistence. Sorry that is pretty over simplistic advice and it's probably best I never posted today as it's been a crazy day in my life....Sorry about that.

Maybe this will be useful somewhat to the OP? I dunno.

One thing I will stand by though is my comment about how you deserve happiness - and that really is important. It's really up to you as to how much you want to be patient with your partner. Try and hang in there is my advice. But if it starts ruining your life and happiness too then it might be time to walk away - or maybe "a break" will show him you are serious about leaving.......Just be warned that threats of leaving though will not be helpful and will increase feelings of guilt in a partner and probably will push the addiction further. So if it gets to the stage where you are thinking of leaving make sure you are serious about it.

Thanks (especially to toothpastedog and simco) and best of luck to the OP.

F'loki
 
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