Suicide.

[panic in paradise]

^^... another thing to consider is, that in the USA they dont clean up after you, your family does, or you pay like 5-8grand for a 3rd party to do it...

I'm starting detox tomorrow. I need a dry-out period for the painkillers to start working again. I've been on them for 3 months so WD's shouldn't be too bad.

this is a very big move.
a very wise move that is going to be rough, especially considering how the WD's have their game to play, but the pain will be worse then it is, being reintroduced, but will begin to level out.

the only faith i am trying to recommend, is that of yourself...you are Waldo. so spending time looking is a waste.
;-)

pain is a mind-game, as equally as it is a physical one, pain is processed in our brain before we feel anything...i would seriously read about the psychology of Jnana Yoga and our "Archetypes", as well as transcendence.

do you have medical marijuana where you live?!? that is a powerful, but expensive, medicine. that will also more safely then other methods potentate the opioids.

there are people here who new me so many months ago, and i was a freaking animal in pain dude...sounds maybe convenient, so much so that i have actually been worried about my previous "complaints" being thought of as lies - because of how much similar things have helped, saved my mind and/or life rather.

 

[Brian242]

I will deff. try to find the psychology of Jnana Yoga. I wish I lived in a MMJ state. Cannabis helps me so much, but we've been dry for about 3 months. We recently got a connection for some high grade chronic but haven't got anything yet. I'd rather smoke that than taking fkin pills if you know what I mean.

 

[Brian242]

first..... give your firearms up. seriously.
have a legal adult relative sell them to a gun store or pawn shop for you, or even turn them over to law enforcement for disposal.

the kind of responsibility, utility, & ultimate finality over life that firearms hold, is only for those who are able to respect and understand the gravity of owning such a tool.

not only does it just not make any sense that you have them at all, but you're open to all kinds of trouble for possessing them while on narcotics, for owning illegally-modified guns, and for admitting to all that here.
in addition, it's illegal for people who are "mentally ill", or are prescribed narcotics/psych meds to possess, own, buy, use, or transport firearms. That happened after Virginia Tech in 07.

you do NOT want federal firearms charges on your head..... and they won't care how crippled you are when they come knocking on your door.

and blowing a hole in yourself isn't a solution; nor is it painless, or a surefire way out.

There is a problem with that though. We've spent probably $3500 buying the weapons and purchasing attachments for them. BUT I do see where you're coming from. it's a dangerous situation. I've been an avid firearm shooter since I was 9 and will collect them for my children to admire because I will NOT kill myself. After reading the posts about how my dad would have to pay all the money and clean up. How fuckin' selfish that is. Something in my mind snapped when reading these posts. What's the point? It's just not fair for anybody!

 

[panic in paradise]

do you see the advantage you have here?!

it is profound, you can rise above this - and once you do what else can be shocking, or maddening, able to overcome your emotions?? probably not much of anything, while retaining an up-most passion for life...there is beauty here, un-comparable and comprehensible toooOo often....


"and in the spring
i shed my skin
and it blows away with the changing wind
the water turns from blue to red
and towards the sky i offer it."
- kundalini





lol
no need to respond, just food that maybe your soul might chew on some...

 

[Brian242]

^^ Great poem and post!!! I have overcome those horrible emotions. I prayed tonight. I haven't prayed in years. In my mind, I was fixing to say "God, if you're there, give me a fast-killing cancer." And before I got to the word "give" My head rushed. I felt something that I've never felt before. I wasn't on any drugs other than what i'm taking which don't get me high. It felt... Comforting. I finished my prayer saying help all the people in pain. weather it be a papercut or a missing limb, give us strength. It was something.


Thank you Bluelight. You probably saved my life. I was gonna off myself tonight, but reading these posts just helped me so much. Thank ALL of you so much.

 

[rangrz]

Don't want to give them up 100% How about lock them up at a range or with a shooting buddy so you can have access to them when your with someone at a place and time to shoot them?

Removes a lot of the risk.

 

[Larson0]

god bro. you make me come to tears in my w/d.

my mom has chronic pain. i became an addict because of my access to her pills and her needs. she also had a stroke and has dimentia. it was very hard to deal with her for myself and my dad but we both did it. my dad does is alone now. we both can get pissed at her but we love her. it is just hard. she can barely walk, constantly whiining of the pain, etc. we dont hate her, we love her. it is hard to deal with sometimes but i just have to remind myself to be patient. when i was living with her i medicated myself with opiates to numb myself of the pain i felt watching her die slowly.

and now my aunt has is too. back in april she planned the first wedding for her second daughter. she worked very hard. at the wedding i noticed she was on painkillers (how i noticed i dont know, i just did)
3 days after we were gathered at another family members house and she needed help getting up. a week later she was in a wheelchair. i learned a month ago she hemmoraged inside and it wouldn't clot, it just kept bleeding. the nerves in her leg wont grow back, so say the docs, and she is probably going to be permanently in that chair. she was such a forward moving person all the time. she is co owner to a jewelery store, so they have money. currently they are traveling abroad. they went to Bourdeax, France (amazing wine), London to see their now married daughter, and Africa currently, where she was bitten by a fuckin monkey. they tell me nothing is wrong wit hthe monkey bite but fuck, its a monkey bite.

they have money, they have all the money in the world. 30 mill alone in their jewelery store. uncle is also a very avid and successful gambler (20k on a football game np) not to mention 100k poker games thanksgiving morning online. but after all that money in the world, it doesn't matter. she is still chairbound like my mother. only my mother lays in bed all day on 120 mg methadone and 30mg valium for 8 years now, plus others.

fuck, this is the first time tears came to my eyes in 5 years and i've ligit had real emotion. during my detox i got upset watching lions dying on natgeo. now im really thinking of family for the first time in forever and it really hits home.

bro, do not kill yourself. keep your curiosity. curiosity is the key that keeps us learning, opening new doors, and moving forward. keep moving forward.

points if you know who said that quote hint hint they had a mouse as their logo and the movie that stated the quote was fucking great, even if it was a cartoon


and the guns, they are your hobby. i think you know to respect them. i think you know the impact it would have on your father if you used one to kill yourself. keep them if its something your father and you can do together, even if you watch him shoot them. they are yours and they are something not everybody can have or respect. keep them and know the power they have. you wont blow your brains out with them and you put pride in them im sure. unless you dont want them of course but im sure you do.

 

[panic in paradise]

^good idea rangrz

i love shooting, it is very relaxing....
shrug
________________________________
Brian - that content feeling you caught, is what i am alluding to here...it becomes rather intense, i get to the point meditating where i am not sure where the hell i am, unsure if i am still reciting my Mantra, if i can open my eyes, or if they are even open often.
the first few times it happened i thought i had drugged myself, and felt i was going to fall forward on my face...haha...Aum Namo Naranaya ~

once you attain that, Grace or Bliss what-evers - your mind will seek it further, and become easier each time to get to each time.
Sri Anandamayi Ma might help ignite that some what further...
"This body is like a musical instrument what you hear depends on how you play."
~ SRI MA
;-)
you are 'Atman', Damnit Robin! and as so, you now have the chance to return the same as received, to those in the same need.
"you increase.................................i decrease"
sorry, i havent smoked any pot all day, and am taking it out on you. hahah

 

[Ixchellian]

if they're that much of an investment, then lock em up.

where it concerns the ATF though, whether you think you'll kill yourself or not is irrelevant. The minute police get some sort of word about your "suicidal" tendencies and medical situation, they'll just confiscate your guns AND your time/money/freedom.

Just because you can & do have firearms at the moment, doesn't mean you should.
and you definitely shouldn't. there's just no way to justify it, no matter how fun and valuable they may be.

believe me, when it comes to owning firearms..... its something I've been doing for a long time, and I'm a firm believer in our 2nd Amendment..... and I'll never give them up permanently. But with gun law, its better to not fuck around if you don't have to.

I'm sorry, its just irresponsible for you to keep your guns right now.....

you can always come back to it later, when you're well and have a family to protect/feed, and then pass them down to.

 

[Brian242]

if they're that much of an investment, then lock em up.

where it concerns the ATF though, whether you think you'll kill yourself or not is irrelevant. The minute police get some sort of word about your "suicidal" tendencies and medical situation, they'll just confiscate your guns AND your time/money/freedom.

Just because you can & do have firearms at the moment, doesn't mean you should.
and you definitely shouldn't. there's just no way to justify it, no matter how fun and valuable they may be.

believe me, when it comes to owning firearms..... its something I've been doing for a long time, and I'm a firm believer in our 2nd Amendment..... and I'll never give them up permanently. But with gun law, its better to not fuck around if you don't have to.

I'm sorry, its just irresponsible for you to keep your guns right now.....

you can always come back to it later, when you're well and have a family to protect/feed, and then pass them down to.

I've given my bullets to my dad and we put all 4 ammo cases in. Like i've stated; I choose NOT to die!

 

[Brian242]

god bro. you make me come to tears in my w/d.

my mom has chronic pain. i became an addict because of my access to her pills and her needs. she also had a stroke and has dimentia. it was very hard to deal with her for myself and my dad but we both did it. my dad does is alone now. we both can get pissed at her but we love her. it is just hard. she can barely walk, constantly whiining of the pain, etc. we dont hate her, we love her. it is hard to deal with sometimes but i just have to remind myself to be patient. when i was living with her i medicated myself with opiates to numb myself of the pain i felt watching her die slowly.

and now my aunt has is too. back in april she planned the first wedding for her second daughter. she worked very hard. at the wedding i noticed she was on painkillers (how i noticed i dont know, i just did)
3 days after we were gathered at another family members house and she needed help getting up. a week later she was in a wheelchair. i learned a month ago she hemmoraged inside and it wouldn't clot, it just kept bleeding. the nerves in her leg wont grow back, so say the docs, and she is probably going to be permanently in that chair. she was such a forward moving person all the time. she is co owner to a jewelery store, so they have money. currently they are traveling abroad. they went to Bourdeax, France (amazing wine), London to see their now married daughter, and Africa currently, where she was bitten by a fuckin monkey. they tell me nothing is wrong wit hthe monkey bite but fuck, its a monkey bite.

they have money, they have all the money in the world. 30 mill alone in their jewelery store. uncle is also a very avid and successful gambler (20k on a football game np) not to mention 100k poker games thanksgiving morning online. but after all that money in the world, it doesn't matter. she is still chairbound like my mother. only my mother lays in bed all day on 120 mg methadone and 30mg valium for 8 years now, plus others.

fuck, this is the first time tears came to my eyes in 5 years and i've ligit had real emotion. during my detox i got upset watching lions dying on natgeo. now im really thinking of family for the first time in forever and it really hits home.

bro, do not kill yourself. keep your curiosity. curiosity is the key that keeps us learning, opening new doors, and moving forward. keep moving forward.

points if you know who said that quote hint hint they had a mouse as their logo and the movie that stated the quote was fucking great, even if it was a cartoon


and the guns, they are your hobby. i think you know to respect them. i think you know the impact it would have on your father if you used one to kill yourself. keep them if its something your father and you can do together, even if you watch him shoot them. they are yours and they are something not everybody can have or respect. keep them and know the power they have. you wont blow your brains out with them and you put pride in them im sure. unless you dont want them of course but im sure you do.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother and aunt. Especially being bitten by a MONKEY!! Fuck..

 

[Brian242]

Quick update:

it's now been 14 hours sense I've gone cold turkey off fent and oxy. I've never vomited, had the amount of "butt pee" and sweat come out of me in my LIFE. Ugh. Weak, taking Diphenhydramine by the 100's and should stop because tripping on it is terrible. Fuck fuck fuck!

 

[rangrz]

Hey, I got hooked on opi's from pain too (temporary injury, not the same, but same kind of idea) what helped me come off them was taking loperamide/immodium, a muscle relaxant like cyclobenzaprine/baclofen. First is not addictive at all, but helps the buttpee and the second, if you have, are mildy/barely abusable at best, but help the sweating and restless legs and stuff.

It will pass soon enough in any event.

 

[panic in paradise]

Quick update:

it's now been 14 hours sense I've gone cold turkey off fent and oxy. I've never vomited, had the amount of "butt pee" and sweat come out of me in my LIFE. Ugh. Weak, taking Diphenhydramine by the 100's and should stop because tripping on it is terrible. Fuck fuck fuck!

omg...you crazy!




talk about taking the Bull By the Horns dude...sounds better then a monkey bite though,, yeah id chose some w/d over a monkey bite!!!