Suicide.

[Brian242]

Hello. My name is Brian Clark and I have so many physical alignments and I've had 9 major surgeries. 2 leg operations, 4 back surgeries, and 2 ear surgeries. I'm only 18. I turned 18 only 4 months ago and have been dealing with this surgery shit since I was 11.

I'm a chronic pain patient and my Dr. told me to take two 10/325 Percocet along with a 75mcg/hr Fentanyl patch. It's fucking horrible. None of it helps and I know that if I stop, I'll go into withdraws. I know that people in agonizing pain commit suicide and i'm afraid that I might be one of them.

This pain needs to end. If you look at my profile pic you can see the 20" scar on my back from Scoliosis correction surgery. They wound up putting two 1 and a half foot titanium bars in my spine and twelve 6" screws and bolts in. Then they had to remove it because they missed a spot when they were fusing my spine. They FUCKING MISSED A SPOT. Stupid fucking surgeon. Then they put a new set of the bars and bolts in. THEN, a staph infection. "We can't wash it out" they said, so once again, everything got removed. Leg surgeries sucked, and I have a deformed Anvil bone in my left ear so i'm deaf out of it. the first ear surgery was exploratory surgery, and the second one they tried to put in a metal replacement for the bone, and fucked up. One part of my face is paralyzed.

Last night I was thinking: You know, I've never been able to go to a party, hang out with friends, anything a normal teenager would do. At least I've had sex, and gotten to play guitar with rockstars like Tommy TuTone. You know that song "Jenny 867-5309?" I've got a video whenever I was 14 jamming with him if you all would like to see it.

Guns. I have 9 guns. What am I doing with all these weapons? Why? In case of a war? I feel like Hunter S. Thompson with all these weapons, and i'm afraid one will kill me.

I live in Tulsa and I can't take the pain. I hurt. I can't go places anymore. I can only stand up for 10 minutes at most. I ask my father to drive me around to see what's going on in the world and that alone just about kills me. I'm too young to have to be dealing with this. I'm scared, hurting, and feeling horrible. And no, i'm not going to call a fucking hotline about this.

I don't know what to do. Live, or die? If I live, I will be able to see what's going on in the world. My father is my only family as i'm his only family. If I die, no more pain. No more misery. It would crush my father and it would be very selfish of me. If I commit suicide, I would shoot myself in the heart. Have you ever heard that when you die, all the DMT in your brain is released and since the brain doesn't die for 3 hours after death, you would be able to see the past, present, and future before the brain dies.

I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I just know that in any given moment, I could commit suicide.

 

[effie]

Brian

Thank you for making this post. I am so glad you did and told us how you are feeling right now. I'm so sorry things are so awful for you at the moment..

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, so I won't pretend I can, but I do know what it feels like to be in intense emotional pain and feel like you literally might kill yourself at any second because you can't bear it. I know how fucking unfair it feels when you look at other people living their normal, happy lives when you are completely incapacitated, not even able to leave your own front door.. the unfairness of it all feels so brutal.. i'm young too, and that makes it feel even crueller. I can empathise, I really can..

I think there are several things you can do in the medium-long term to try to improve your life - your pain control definitely needs adjusting, if you are still in such agony. You can have higher doses of opioids than what you are on currently, and there are non-opioid options too (gabapentin/pregabalin, NSAIDs, nerve blocks, intra-vertebral injections, TENS, physio etc). I'm sure you have tried some of those, but to be on 75mcg/hr fentanyl and Percocets is clearly nowhere near enough for you to control your pain. Do you have a good relationship with your pain doctor? If not, can you see a different one?

Secondly - you have been through an incredibly traumatic time, coupled with the physical pain. Have you seen a therapist or psychologist? That is an enormous amount for anyone to go through, especially as you were only 12 when it started and you are only 18 now. You may be depressed or even have a form of post-traumatic stress disorder - a good therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor (whoever you want to see) could really help you I think. You also have a lot of (entirely justified) anger - it would be really good to be able to work through that with someone who knows what they are doing.. This in turn would help you to control your pain better - a person's mental state has an enormous bearing on their physical state, and pain is intensified hugely by psychological distress. Meditation can work wonders too, it really can.

Thirdly - you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that life isn't fair - good people don't always get good things and bad people don't always get bad things. It's horrible, but it is how the world works.. such a cliche but we can't help the hand we are dealt in life.. You only have to look at war and famine to realise that this is the case. Once you have really grasped that, then you can let go of a lot of the horrible feelings, anger, bitterness, disappointment, hurt - and start trying to focus on how to make life bearable (initially) and then actually enjoyable for you. This really is possible, I promise, even though I know you can't see it right now..

Does your father know how you feel? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this (apart from us of course)? I'm not going to suggest calling a hotline - this is clearly far too complex for that - but in addition to a therapist, I think it would really help to have someone you can talk to who you are close to.. especially your father.

As for right now - from your post, you definitely don't want to die, but the pain is just unbearable - I completely understand this. You need to keep yourself safe. If you are on your own, please ring someone - espeically your father. If you can't do that, call 911. I know things seem pitch-black and utterly hopeless at the moment, but you are so young and you have not run out of options - far from it.. I know you can't see any hope that things will improve, but while you are alive there is always hope. When you are dead, all the hope is gone.

Even if you can't do it for yourself at the moment, think of your dad - as you say, he would be devastated - completely torn apart. In time I believe you will want to live for yourself, but right now if that is the thing that is keeping you alive - hold onto it. You said you are the only family he has.. Is there anything else good in your life that you can hold on to?

If you are in immediate danger of killing yourself, please call your father or 911. At least try to see if you can improve things for you. Suicide is so final, and while you are alive you will always have the choice to live or die - when you are dead, you have no more choices, no more free will. Hang in there for a bit longer, please..

I think you should give your guns to someone else to look after while you are feeling like this. You don't want to kill yourself, you said so yourself - right now you need to take some steps to ensure your safety. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk as well.. There is hope for you, I promise you

Oh - and I would love to see the video!

 

[Louis CK]

^wow, great words effie

Brian, I can't even begin to imagine how much courage it takes to be in your position. I wouldn't be able to handle it - I'm a coward.
When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed as having high risk for scoliosis, but was able to avoid it with proper calcium intake and exercises.

My friend's sister has an acute case, and she just finished her second operation this summer... it's hell.

The important thing to focus on is that it will get better. Going through all this at such a young age makes it much more difficult to bear, but it also means you have time to recover and many many joyful years, to come. There will come a time when you can go out, have fun with friends, experience nature, travel the world, and do everything you've ever dreamed of. Please do not give that up for the pain you are experiencing now. I can't sit here and preach about being brave, because I have NO idea what that's like, but I do know things will get better for you.

I imagine that speaking to other people who have experienced what you're experiencing can bring a great deal of comfort. Seeing and knowing people who have gone through it and overcame it will surely bring you reassurance. If you don't like the idea of a support group, many hospitals offer patient-contact services where you can speak to previous patients about what you're going through.

Please keep talking to people! Whether it's your dad, a forum, an online friend..anyone!!
Keep us updated, Brian.

Wishing you the best..I would like to see the video as well! I had a professor that was obsessed with Tommy!

 

[Syrax]

There's some great advice in the above posts.

I agree you should get rid of those guns and for that matter anything else that makes suicide easier for you to perform. I imagine chronic pain works similarly to self-injury in that it makes it much easier for an individual to end their life because they become more used to feeling pain. So it's important to be aware of how your chronic pain actually makes suicide easier than for someone who is extremely depressed but is much less used to feeling physical pain.

Obviously I don't have a great understanding of your physical issues but I would say that many people encounter serious physical problems around your age either through accidents, genetics or whatever. And these people do go on to live more functional lives despite sometimes doctors or whoever telling them that they'll be disabled or incapacitated their entire life. All I'm saying is that things can change for the better even when you're told it's not supposed to happen.

The internal belief that your current state is how things will always be is what opens the door to suicide. It's that hopelessness.

Seeing a psychologist (a good one) is really something you should consider. A lot of times doctors will automatically refer people with chronic pain to psychologists, it's extremely common and I hope if you have any reservations about talking with a psychologist that you can overcome those feelings because I think it could be really helpful for you.

It's so important to be aware of the interaction between how you feel physically and your mental health. Bad things happen when these two areas get tangled up and feed into one another. Again, this is why meeting with a skilled psychologist is such a critical step.

I'm sure there are people in the world who have attempted suicide with less serious chronic pain than you have because their mental health was much worse, if you know what I mean. Their depression grew because they developed a hyper-focus on their chronic pain to the point where it exacerbated their depression to the point of suicide. Again, it's so important to be aware of this connection within you.

Mental health and physical health truly can be separated. Maybe not completely, but certainly to the point where suicide is not a consideration. Just keep in mind that they don't have to get tangled up.

People who become paralyzed, specifically at an early age, typically go through an extreme depressive stage once they find out they'll be in a wheelchair the rest of their life and won't be able to do so many things they used to enjoy. However, when they're able to come to terms with the new limitations of their life and reach a level of acceptance, their mood returns to normal and they can move forward and live a happy life. They don't stay depressed forever just because they have a debilitating physical issue.

Not that being paralyzed is necessarily analogous to your situation, but I'm just trying to demonstrate how a person's mental state and the way they view their life is critical when dealing with serious physical problems. And there's not a 1:1 relationship between physical health and mental health.

I hope you'll keep us updated on your situation and explore some of the options mentioned in these posts.

 

[Brian242]

Thank you Effie. You're a great mod. You're very helpful with questions I had in BDD and i'm glad you're here in TDS. Here's the video, but it's from a facebook account so i'm not sure if you can view it: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1608034049574

I will say this; I'd rather it be me dealing with all this than it being someone else.

I take Gabapenten and it helps somewhat with the nerve pains and I normally take Advil PM (200mg Ibuprofen/38mg Diphenhydramine) twice daily to enhance the pain relieving effects. I've given up on trying to get high off my painkillers. No point at all anymore. I'm not depressed or angry, I am a happy person towards my father and all the people I meet. I don't feel the need to go to a psychologist or therapist, If I did, they would have to come to my house. I don't kill anything like small animals. I actually haven't killed anything at all.

I love guns. It hurts pretty bad whenever I fire them, but I love the noise, the sight of the blowback of our SKS, but i'm getting to the point that I won't be able to do that much longer. It's really a great way of relieving stress for me.

My father knows, and understands. He's been shot in Desert Storm, has herniated disks, had a few knee surgeries and is going to have it replaced next month. When I told him, he just said "I know, son. I've been there."

My dream job was to be an anesthesiologist or pharmacist, but that's ruined. Now i'm on social security and disability checks and so is my dad. I'm always looking for ways to improve my life, but i'm yet to find it. I agree that life's unfair. It's a cruel and corrupt world. I do go through moments where I just ask myself "Why? What did I do to deserve this? I'm tired of limping around and being a burden on my father"

The only things that I have to hold on to are my father, my learning of drugs and how they affect the human body (I do a lot of studying about drugs) Bluelight, my guns and guitars, and my Xbox 360 to watch netflix and the news on. Not much.

I could shoot myself in my arm and probably not feel much. That's how bad it hurts. And no, I don't self-mutilate or anything like that. This was just an example.

It's just hard, you know? Unbearable actually. But thank you for saying that I have hope. That shined a light at me. I just don't know though. Don't want to die, don't want to hurt. There's truly no good outcome from this. I have a good relationship with my Dr. but I don't know what to ask for because i'm afraid that I will be judged as a street junkie. So I just take whatever I get.

Thanks for all the posts above also. I will deff. Keep you updated. I just don't want to end up in the BL shrine. It's not as much as depression though. I don't constantly focus on the pain, but when I move and feel it, I feel like I got stabbed and broke. Sometimes it causes my knees to buckle and I almost fall. It's horrible. I'll try to keep my head up.

Also, I'm working on getting the video to where you all can view it.

 

[tocooperate]

The only things that I have to hold on to are my father, my learning of drugs and how they affect the human body (I do a lot of studying about drugs) Bluelight, my guns and guitars, and my Xbox 360 to watch netflix and the news on. Not much.

that right there tells me that you still enjoy things about being alive. ive just about made it back from a serious amphetamine addiction, and my biggest fear was that i would lose my love of learning; i haven't. and thats something that you cant do when your dead. i cant relate to the amount of pain you're in, but i think ive come to understand that the most fundamental thing about existing is the acquisition of knowledge.

ive gotten into learning about technology, and future technologies, and brian i have to tell you that the medicine of today will pale in comparison to that of even ten years from now. i know that sounds like a long time, but the other part of it all is trusting in LIFE itself. if you didn't value it, you'd have already made a bad decision. i'm a musician as well, and some days i think music alone is what keeps me going and living. embrace the fact that you have been given a gift for it, it would be a shame to waste, no?

live and LEARN while you can, and have hope that tomorrow there will be solution, and if not tomorrow, then the day after. id recommend a book by michio kaku, "physics of the future". it has inspired and given me hope for a society and human existence that we only dream of today... except that the science for this stuff already exists. its not a dream, and the future holds many beautiful things if you can just wait for it to arrive. feel free to send me a PM, thats what communities like this exist for, cause sometimes doctors can't fix everything.

 

[panic in paradise]

Thank you Effie. You're a great mod. You're very helpful with questions I had in BDD and i'm glad you're here in TDS. Here's the video, but it's from a facebook account so i'm not sure if you can view it: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1608034049574

I will say this; I'd rather it be me dealing with all this than it being someone else.


I could shoot myself in my arm and probably not feel much. That's how bad it hurts. And no, I don't self-mutilate or anything like that. This was just an example.



Also, I'm working on getting the video to where you all can view it.

*shivers

i know exactly what you mean here...not how intensely for you, but these things i have thought many many times, and it helped to save me, and keep me moving forward (we are sharks that way in pain in life keep fucking moving) to say, know and believe, finding no sense or rationalization to wishing your pain, on your worse enemy, is something i can get in a constant routine thinking sometimes...that is a perpetuating thought personally -

i couldnt wish this on anyone else, it is me, and since it is so, how else can i be??


i am not rolling on the floor in pain ATM, i wasnt so sure if it would ever not be that way again, and it often isnt. but the pain that was 24/7, i also actually thought numerous times that i could be shot and really wouldnt know much better, and how i remember it, i knew a shot in the arm or w/e would heal too.
:-/

yes indeed i could go on and get gruesome about it. personally, this only seemed to of peaked for around 2 years at a rate of 24/7. but "going into it" helped massively, feeling and then realizing how i am this pain, i define myself living as so with it. this shit does not define my life, it is only a supporting factor of it.

saying you have your dad take you around to see the world, sounds dramatic maybe, but again, yes i still do that myself. i am stuck in a decent sized house on a decent sized plot of land, in a gorgeous place. but...i have no idea of what i going on in town, after sitting here for so long, going into a large grocery store or mall is startling, and very exciting now...many small things in life are, maybe going to a big fancy grocery-store should not be so exciting, but, there are many other small things that are as well, for the same reasons, and that is a blessing that not many people ever come to realize - and that is now what i try and bestow to others...from this personal Point Of View.


_________________________
these two songs, are what helped me realize, that i am not ever alone in this shit of life.


Blinding "shaking in my skull down my spine and in my ribs"

Running Up That Hill

may your wishes grow further and more few between Brian.

 

[panic in paradise]

when we die we are only born again, but your pain is your portal to true-life, live through it - and you always will be in peace for now.

 

[Synaps3]

I don't have much to say, and I really can't understand the pain that you must have. You may think you don't have much left in your life, but there is something big that you're missing; you're probably one of the most psychologically strong people on earth. No one has been through what your feeling, and that alone can be a reason to keep living.

 

[PoOkIeHeAd]

This is so totally beyond fucked no words can really do any justice here.

Could you tell us a little bit more about your prognosis? It sounds like the surgeons are working towards something. Is there any hope that you can live w/out pain any time in the future? I mean all the shit they are putting you through should improve quality of life at some point.

I hope you find your peace soon as no kid deserves to be put through this hell.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Having had a sugary that went bad that changed me forever I understand a bit off your pain. I live with pain, and I live with the fact that I will never be normal for the rest of my life.

But life is worth it, you can make it better it just takes work and faith. Not god faith but faith in your self and your dad. I mean it can't all be bleak. You must enjoy something? Im sorry things are so hard but sometimes life is hard. I often feel like im being tortured every day of my life.. but so are other people.. im not the only one.. nor are you.

Keep trying.. things will get better.. but only if you try

 

[panic in paradise]

everything is happening all the time everywhere - the only justice in this world is that which we find in ourselves, and once so much pain is surpassed nothing else matters in a sense of the greatest un-titrated equality.

___________________________________
my goal in life, is to accept all achievements made be they great or not - and to envision how every goal from here on out is to be greater then the previous one imagined. until the prize of common materials and secular wants and needs are dissolved.

when a person does not imagine, but lives in so much pain...at the right time, all peace imagined comes to such a humble individual.

 

[brighton]

have you seen a pain psychologist?
im waiting to see one atm, totes looking forward to it.
i have chronic pain too, i had a real rough weekend last week, 10/10 pain and
i couldnt even see my doctor until the tuesday, couldnt even go to ED because they
always think im after drugs.....but i made it thru.....

 

[Brian242]

Well I told my dad about the suicide. I was trying to hold it off as long as I could. He just said "Tough it out" What the fuck. I'm going nowhere with my life and i'm literally a burden on him. Today he got a job offer to Montana and I said I didn't think i'd be able to handle the trip. It made him mad. I'm a miserable waste of life that's too selfish to think about others and a burden on my father. I possibly ruined his big break for a good paying job. I can't live alone though. I can't shop for food, hell, I don't even have a drivers license. I can't fucking stand it. I went from happy yesterday, to mortally depressed today. I'm thinking about closing up shop. What a FUCKING WASTE I am. A waste that my dad raised me for 18 years because my mom's a worthless bitch who abandoned us. I'm just a waste of time and space. I've never been this depressed in my life. fucking tears are pouring.

I know i'm not the only one hurting, and both my surgeons said that I would need pain management for the rest of my life. My pain hasn't been fucking managed. I don't want to kill myself. I'd rather go from a cancer or something similar. Because suicide is so selfish. Fuck knows, I could have some bad shit brewing up in my body right now and be dead tomorrow. Find faith? That's like finding Waldo. It could be found today, or it could be found 20 years from now. But I'll tell you, I'm going to look long and hard for it.

 

[rangrz]

I'm going to first off ask you not to do it for somewhat selfish reasons. Here's the selfish reason. I've responded to suicides. I've taken close up pictures of some young girls gaping incision across the radial artery. I've scraped some young mans brains and fragments of skull off a wall into a bag. You what bro? IT FUCKING SUCKS and it depresses me like nothing else. For the sake of my co-workers in your locality, I ask you not to make them have to see that stark, depressing scene.

I know this does not address your issues directly, I am just asking you not to make more pain and suffering part of the world if you can help it.

 

[Brian242]

I think that i'm feeling this way over all the opiates in my system. You know what? I'm starting detox tomorrow. I need a dry-out period for the painkillers to start working again. I've been on them for 3 months so WD's shouldn't be too bad. Been through about a years worth of hydrocodone and have quit cold turkey, so I should be fine. I will start exercising. very gradually I will work my way to half of my street and turn back home. Do that for a few days and move more and more until I can walk to my pharmacy 1/2 mile away.

Of course I'll feel like utter shit during withdraws but the post above me opened my eyes VERY wide. Life isn't mandatory, it's a privilege.

Selfish as hell of me to even think about suicide.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Brian, first things first: You are NOT a waste, and you are NOT a burden on your father. He loves you so much and would do anything to keep you here with him. Please believe that you are a truly worthy person who deserves a good life and happiness, just as much as everyone else does. You are a very strong young man who has already been through so much adversity, and that is a true testament to your will to live, and your character. Remember that

And you are absolutely right that the opiates could very well be affecting your mood and making you more depressed. It's good that you're aware of that possibility.

I know things seem hopeless right now but please keep holding on. You've said it yourself many times over, you don't want to die. Please consider ALL of your other options before you consider suicide (and YES there are other options).

I would highly recommend, as others have as well, that you start going to a pain management clinic. There are so many options available for chronic pain patients these days, I would hate for you to leave this world without having tried some of those other treatment options. You might find something or a combination of things that work perfectly for you. That way, you'll be able to still be alive, to have your pain at a managable level, to see the world, to grow older and experience more things, and to be there for your dad.

I know it feels like you can't go on any more, but you are an amazingly strong individual and you've proven thus far that you CAN hold on. Please keep trying

 

[Ixchellian]

first..... give your firearms up. seriously.
have a legal adult relative sell them to a gun store or pawn shop for you, or even turn them over to law enforcement for disposal.

the kind of responsibility, utility, & ultimate finality over life that firearms hold, is only for those who are able to respect and understand the gravity of owning such a tool.

not only does it just not make any sense that you have them at all, but you're open to all kinds of trouble for possessing them while on narcotics, for owning illegally-modified guns, and for admitting to all that here.
in addition, it's illegal for people who are "mentally ill", or are prescribed narcotics/psych meds to possess, own, buy, use, or transport firearms. That happened after Virginia Tech in 07.

you do NOT want federal firearms charges on your head..... and they won't care how crippled you are when they come knocking on your door.

and blowing a hole in yourself isn't a solution; nor is it painless, or a surefire way out.

 

[Synaps3]

here's what i would do if i was in your position. if you can get past the pain, the one main thing you have left is your brain. put all your strength into learning as much as you can. think of stephen hawking, yeah he's not in pain like you are, but in a way that makes you stronger like i said earlier. you know how people who are blind are usually good at music and people who are def are good visually. in your case you don't have a good body, well then you have way more potential to be brilliant. i hope you understand what i am saying as im a little messed up now. lol.

 

[Syrax]

I'm going to first off ask you not to do it for somewhat selfish reasons. Here's the selfish reason. I've responded to suicides. I've taken close up pictures of some young girls gaping incision across the radial artery. I've scraped some young mans brains and fragments of skull off a wall into a bag. You what bro? IT FUCKING SUCKS and it depresses me like nothing else. For the sake of my co-workers in your locality, I ask you not to make them have to see that stark, depressing scene.

I know this does not address your issues directly, I am just asking you not to make more pain and suffering part of the world if you can help it.

That's definitely another way of looking at this that I hadn't considered. Seeing shit like that would seriously fucking bother me. It just reinforces the fact that there's an element to suicide that distresses much more than just your immediate family. When someone blows their brains out there's a crater left that leeches into anyone remotely involved with the scenario at all. The more distant the easier it is to deal with, but the effects are far reaching. From the person who has to clean the bits of brain off the wall, to the person who has to organize your funeral, to anyone who ever knew you personally, to the person who oversees your obituary, to the doctors you've been working with, to the person who compiles data on suicides for your region or beyond, and so on and so on.

For me personally, the people I've known who have died early in life from drugs, suicide or whatever, even though I didn't really have relationships with them, I still think about them from time to time and those deaths did affect me on some level, even though I wasn't close to any of them.

It's one thing to know kids who have had fucked up things happen to them, attempted suicide, overdosed, are in prison, have awful injuries from fights or car accidents. But at least they're still alive. Knowing that someone killed themselves is so much darker. And the damage really does leech out beyond your immediate family and close friends.