ninjadanslarbretabar
Bluelighter
yeah sorry itsok if i was being cold and cerebral about your situation
here is some love :
:Dand good luck with your situation !
-
P&S Moderators: JackARoe | Cheshire_Kat
suicide- whats the big deal.
- Thread starter itsok
- Start date
yeah sorry itsok if i was being cold and cerebral about your situation
here is some love :
:Dand good luck with your situation !
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
it is a big deal
maybe there is a bad-steam of sorts, the stuff builds up, and we can then crave a final massive-releasing point of impact, with no noticed repercussions. and that bad steam is mostly from heat of the past, realizing its relative source of combustion helps to shut it off.
we are often presented with a way up, or a way down, either is only mediating to an accustomed state of being. many times the ensuing unwanted course of action and feelings that seem to always happen, are usually honestly not wanted or warranted, but our common learned state of mind or ego rather is drawn back to that place.
there is no need to linger there, suicide tires to repeat itself.
~
"We shall not cease from exploring, and at the end of our exploration -
we will return to where we started, and know the place for the first time."
- TS Elliot
maybe there is a bad-steam of sorts, the stuff builds up, and we can then crave a final massive-releasing point of impact, with no noticed repercussions. and that bad steam is mostly from heat of the past, realizing its relative source of combustion helps to shut it off.
we are often presented with a way up, or a way down, either is only mediating to an accustomed state of being. many times the ensuing unwanted course of action and feelings that seem to always happen, are usually honestly not wanted or warranted, but our common learned state of mind or ego rather is drawn back to that place.
there is no need to linger there, suicide tires to repeat itself.
~
"We shall not cease from exploring, and at the end of our exploration -
we will return to where we started, and know the place for the first time."
- TS Elliot
itsok
Bluelighter
coffeedrinker- im 35.
i have had an opiate (mainly h) addiction for about 8-10 years, have failed on suboxone since 2/2006, and have failed methadone once before (im in mmt again), and got kicked out of rehab and sober home and failed outpatient. i feel somewhat successful for not being a daily user for a good six months. i used to say fuck them, but when times feel low, especially in early sobriety, it kind of echoes in my ears sometimes. i have tried to quit countless times and will do well for several months at most, and have a slight relapse, and get back to the problem, however, i think i have lived a pretty full life and if i keep trying and still feel like shit and fail in the next 5 years, then i may elect to try another life or non-existence, but that is far away from now. between now and 5 yrs i am hoping things can get lots better.
i have had an opiate (mainly h) addiction for about 8-10 years, have failed on suboxone since 2/2006, and have failed methadone once before (im in mmt again), and got kicked out of rehab and sober home and failed outpatient. i feel somewhat successful for not being a daily user for a good six months. i used to say fuck them, but when times feel low, especially in early sobriety, it kind of echoes in my ears sometimes. i have tried to quit countless times and will do well for several months at most, and have a slight relapse, and get back to the problem, however, i think i have lived a pretty full life and if i keep trying and still feel like shit and fail in the next 5 years, then i may elect to try another life or non-existence, but that is far away from now. between now and 5 yrs i am hoping things can get lots better.
muvolution
Bluelight Crew
why not just move to a sweet tropical location instead of asking your friends and family to pretend that's what you did?
jazz hands
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2011
- Messages
- 610
I feel that the more stressed a person becomes, the less able they are to focus on the long term view of their life. As a person gets more and more stressed, they focus more and more on the immediate future and simply surviving day to day. Eventually, the stress gets so severe that the person looks at the immediate future as being insurmountable, in which case they become truly suicidal. In this sense, a person who kills themselves is actually (and a bit paradoxically) trying to survive through the stress-- Though they die, they do progress through the stress that they viewed as insurmountable. Their last act is then an act of survival, yet one that also kills them.
Relating this to the OP: You should try to focus on longer term goals if you're feeling really depressed about the day to day stuff.
Relating this to the OP: You should try to focus on longer term goals if you're feeling really depressed about the day to day stuff.
itsok
Bluelighter
that is a very good idea. so fucking simple, genius, and seriously, im glad u reminded me that it really is possible. all i want to do is get the fuck out of nyc but i am almost finished w a certification and another academic landmark so i can actually have a job in the middle of nowhere. i am weeks away from finishing.
i sometime lose sight of my simple dream to live in a rural area and grow mushrooms and plants and teach and build stuff. i had it once before, even bought some land near the beach north of sf, and get so bogged down by what my parents think i should do bc i owe them some peace of mind before i move away bc i have been a financial burden on them the last couple years.
seriously muvolution, thanks for reminding me. I forget that i have that option bc my parents guilt trip me into thinking i need to stay in ny close to them and my other family even though i hate nyc soooo much because it lack the majestic nature i love of out west.
i sometime lose sight of my simple dream to live in a rural area and grow mushrooms and plants and teach and build stuff. i had it once before, even bought some land near the beach north of sf, and get so bogged down by what my parents think i should do bc i owe them some peace of mind before i move away bc i have been a financial burden on them the last couple years.
seriously muvolution, thanks for reminding me. I forget that i have that option bc my parents guilt trip me into thinking i need to stay in ny close to them and my other family even though i hate nyc soooo much because it lack the majestic nature i love of out west.
muvolution
Bluelight Crew
I live out west and I will say that there are tons of people from all over that move out here and work in tourism.
Guide raft trips, climbing, learn to guide fly-fishing trips,
be a liftie, teach skiing, I don't know, man... its so easy to find something out here, and the jobs don't pay that well, but then again, you are rafting all day, or skiing all day, basically just doing rad shit and getting paid enough to live.
Your parents don't have the right to make your life hell. Instead of telling them to shove it, just get the fuck out, man.
My parents think I'm junkie scum, too. I visited the other day and my mom handed me a listing of NA meetings in the area. I looked her, took out my lighter, lit the papers on fire, threw em in the oven and walked out. (just so you know, i do feel you on this issue)
Guide raft trips, climbing, learn to guide fly-fishing trips,
be a liftie, teach skiing, I don't know, man... its so easy to find something out here, and the jobs don't pay that well, but then again, you are rafting all day, or skiing all day, basically just doing rad shit and getting paid enough to live.
Your parents don't have the right to make your life hell. Instead of telling them to shove it, just get the fuck out, man.
My parents think I'm junkie scum, too. I visited the other day and my mom handed me a listing of NA meetings in the area. I looked her, took out my lighter, lit the papers on fire, threw em in the oven and walked out. (just so you know, i do feel you on this issue)
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
And this is what I meant when I say "what do they know anyway?"
Seriously...why should anyone think that just because some person is your father or mother that they have any sort of expertise in the area of living and giving advice in how to live? You can't choose your parents, but you absolutely can choose how to live your life. I think it's some lingering superstition that parents have some sort of magical insight into how people should live, but they're just as messed up as the rest of us, and all parents screw up their children all the time, so don't sweat it!
Maybe you failed in your previous attempts to quit because no combination of words and feelings was ever expressed to you in a satisfactory way that made you realize that you are good enough a person just being who you are.
Chainer
Bluelighter
You and I have an eerily similar past. Only difference was, the papers I lit on fire were for a sobriety house. Moved out of the house at 16 to live in my paid-for 99' Camry.
Good times.
SO fucking true. Due to the break-down of my relationship - and the breakdown of me come to think of it (they were both kind contemporaneous tbh) - in March I moved back in with my parents. BIG fucking mistake. I'm 34, seemingly unemployable and seemingly subscribing in a stronger and truer manner with each passing day to the view that suicide is my only true and 100% effective way out of the nightmare that is me and my life. I like - meaning I find it especially and vividly descriptive of the "feeling truly suicidal state-of-mind" - the analogy of someone piling rocks onto one's back, more rocks every day; eventually "one" will not be able to take the weight - even with all the positive "can do" joie de vivre in the world. There's only so many rocks that one's back can bear the weight of.
THAT'S how I feel. It's not good. To the OP: I hope the many wise responses in this thread have gone some way to satiating your curiosity about the "big deal" vis-a-vis suicide.
The world might be a better place if suicide were more readily accepted. Part of our issue I've contemplated is our animal-ness- our instinct- our beating hearts that know nothing else. To those who have actually genuinely attempted suicide- you have my respect.
I understand it's a wish for their situation to change, not necessarily for their life to end, but in senses ov course they wish for death. So many people get lost in how we interpret it. We all do at some point. But we do wish to end the bad life. Many might not think it through. If they did, I think more would be more successful in killing themselves. There are quite a few sure ways to do it, to literally end one's life. Take a shotgun to your mouth, drive car off of a really tall cliff, drown yourself, jump off of a really tall building. Pills are the result of not processing- not to offend anyone. You want the same thing but pills are most likely not as premeditated, and are likely taken while very "emotional".
I apologize. I need to step back. I have no idea. I have never attempted suicide, but I remember the first time I thought about it. There was an electric socket, some water, and a hairdryer, and my mom as she did made me feel really really bad about myself for some reason. School perhaps. I was around 10, I think.
Now, I think about it just about every day. It's mostly because of my dysfunction- mostly health-related. I'm suffering. It seems it's a never-ending, at least as long as I'm alive- battle. And I'm tired of fighting. It's not that my illnesses are life threatening by the literal common definition... but in a very real sense it has been life-destroying for me... of the life I want.
I also spend a lot of time alone. Most of my time, actually. Since 2006, I've been pretty much alone, and I'm now 29. I just can't see anyone else in my life- but when it has happened, and I have felt this way before, I seem to readily adapt and my moods change. Still, I know this dark truth. My condition effects how I interact with others, and with my awareness now, I just don't want to take any chances. It can be aggravated by intimacy, as mainly, I'm allergic to substances and foods. I would self-diagnose even though it's not a clinically accepted condition- a mild form of "multiple chemical sensitivities" (milder than many I've read about). I don't like to be around perfume, cologne... especially strong ("artificial") scents. I have perhaps a mostly mental aversion to make up, but it could be justified, and hair products really bother me. I'm allergic to dairy, and more foods than I'm not- to put it one way. These are things I found recently in life- as the cause for problems all through it, and because kissing is involved and other contact in relationships... because of these allergies, I simply won't engage anymore. I'm sort of afraid to. Not to say that's all that holds me back- I don't usually feel well enough. My allergies did a number on my body- as I lived suffering with them for years and years, and years- undiagnosed. Now, at 29, my gallbladder as well is diseased. This is tied to a taxed liver and bad diet/digestion, which is involved with the allergies. Allergies create conditions for more allergies, and conditions to develop.
I really wish there was a different word for this- for these allergies, as it sounds like I'm being a baby about a runny nose. At least to make it sound as sinister as it can be.
I hate talking about it, and unless the fucking system gets the treatment for them out faster than 15 years from now, I don't see myself sticking around. I just don't want to. Fix my allergies.. from the core (immune system recalibration)... and I'm more or less fixed. There has been research done that shows a lot of promise in reversing allergies, which involves taking blood from the individual and attaching food proteins to white blood cells, and then putting that blood back into the subject, which has been shown using multiple foods as examples- already, to basically program the immune system to not react- to not be allergic. It sounds fairly simple, but the way things go, unless I can get in for human testing- I'm looking at 15-20 years, and even then I have to account for the cruelty of pharmaceutical companies and the mighty dollar which justifies the use of nuclear weaponry on 99% as a weapon of mercy (just for scale, not taking into account suffering from radiation to 99 percent of the 1 percent), who... well.. might profit from people being allergic to things. A market would close down. This treatment is being researched for other auto-immune disorders as well which as well probably make bank for the pharm companies.. (I'm not sure about the extent of their involvement, but they make an easy target right now... a really good example of the ugliness of capitalism. Not sure how they would stop a non-drug therapy from becoming treatment though, so I might just be spitting fire.)
Basically, I feel I've lost faith/hope. I'm tired of the bullshit. There still may be a spark, but it's a spark that fades. Another spark comes, but it's dark, and I don't see a fire yet. Just sparks. And tonight it rained, and dropped below 40.
Suicide. If done for the right reasons, with contemplation, I feel can be very respectable, and honorable. People can make their own decisions. They aren't what we expect of them, nor should they be or feel required to be.
I see death as my destiny. When it comes, if I see it coming, I'll know that it's the "right answer", and right answers give me comfort- so I imagine I'll find comfort with it.
Ending it on my own accord, though... I still can't control my heart-beat/I can't tell my body to just stop, so it's hard to get around that. That's just the way I see it. It just keeps going, you know. Very hard to over-ride, no matter how much I want to escape my current situation.
I have experienced, and probably will experience radically different views, though. But honestly this has been pretty stable. My mood admittedly circles around "what's the point?", you know..
But like I said, I keep entertained... next word "Unfortunately", to keep a tone.
I understand it's a wish for their situation to change, not necessarily for their life to end, but in senses ov course they wish for death. So many people get lost in how we interpret it. We all do at some point. But we do wish to end the bad life. Many might not think it through. If they did, I think more would be more successful in killing themselves. There are quite a few sure ways to do it, to literally end one's life. Take a shotgun to your mouth, drive car off of a really tall cliff, drown yourself, jump off of a really tall building. Pills are the result of not processing- not to offend anyone. You want the same thing but pills are most likely not as premeditated, and are likely taken while very "emotional".
I apologize. I need to step back. I have no idea. I have never attempted suicide, but I remember the first time I thought about it. There was an electric socket, some water, and a hairdryer, and my mom as she did made me feel really really bad about myself for some reason. School perhaps. I was around 10, I think.
Now, I think about it just about every day. It's mostly because of my dysfunction- mostly health-related. I'm suffering. It seems it's a never-ending, at least as long as I'm alive- battle. And I'm tired of fighting. It's not that my illnesses are life threatening by the literal common definition... but in a very real sense it has been life-destroying for me... of the life I want.
I also spend a lot of time alone. Most of my time, actually. Since 2006, I've been pretty much alone, and I'm now 29. I just can't see anyone else in my life- but when it has happened, and I have felt this way before, I seem to readily adapt and my moods change. Still, I know this dark truth. My condition effects how I interact with others, and with my awareness now, I just don't want to take any chances. It can be aggravated by intimacy, as mainly, I'm allergic to substances and foods. I would self-diagnose even though it's not a clinically accepted condition- a mild form of "multiple chemical sensitivities" (milder than many I've read about). I don't like to be around perfume, cologne... especially strong ("artificial") scents. I have perhaps a mostly mental aversion to make up, but it could be justified, and hair products really bother me. I'm allergic to dairy, and more foods than I'm not- to put it one way. These are things I found recently in life- as the cause for problems all through it, and because kissing is involved and other contact in relationships... because of these allergies, I simply won't engage anymore. I'm sort of afraid to. Not to say that's all that holds me back- I don't usually feel well enough. My allergies did a number on my body- as I lived suffering with them for years and years, and years- undiagnosed. Now, at 29, my gallbladder as well is diseased. This is tied to a taxed liver and bad diet/digestion, which is involved with the allergies. Allergies create conditions for more allergies, and conditions to develop.
I really wish there was a different word for this- for these allergies, as it sounds like I'm being a baby about a runny nose. At least to make it sound as sinister as it can be.
I hate talking about it, and unless the fucking system gets the treatment for them out faster than 15 years from now, I don't see myself sticking around. I just don't want to. Fix my allergies.. from the core (immune system recalibration)... and I'm more or less fixed. There has been research done that shows a lot of promise in reversing allergies, which involves taking blood from the individual and attaching food proteins to white blood cells, and then putting that blood back into the subject, which has been shown using multiple foods as examples- already, to basically program the immune system to not react- to not be allergic. It sounds fairly simple, but the way things go, unless I can get in for human testing- I'm looking at 15-20 years, and even then I have to account for the cruelty of pharmaceutical companies and the mighty dollar which justifies the use of nuclear weaponry on 99% as a weapon of mercy (just for scale, not taking into account suffering from radiation to 99 percent of the 1 percent), who... well.. might profit from people being allergic to things. A market would close down. This treatment is being researched for other auto-immune disorders as well which as well probably make bank for the pharm companies.. (I'm not sure about the extent of their involvement, but they make an easy target right now... a really good example of the ugliness of capitalism. Not sure how they would stop a non-drug therapy from becoming treatment though, so I might just be spitting fire.)
Basically, I feel I've lost faith/hope. I'm tired of the bullshit. There still may be a spark, but it's a spark that fades. Another spark comes, but it's dark, and I don't see a fire yet. Just sparks. And tonight it rained, and dropped below 40.
Suicide. If done for the right reasons, with contemplation, I feel can be very respectable, and honorable. People can make their own decisions. They aren't what we expect of them, nor should they be or feel required to be.
I see death as my destiny. When it comes, if I see it coming, I'll know that it's the "right answer", and right answers give me comfort- so I imagine I'll find comfort with it.
Ending it on my own accord, though... I still can't control my heart-beat/I can't tell my body to just stop, so it's hard to get around that. That's just the way I see it. It just keeps going, you know. Very hard to over-ride, no matter how much I want to escape my current situation.
I have experienced, and probably will experience radically different views, though. But honestly this has been pretty stable. My mood admittedly circles around "what's the point?", you know..
But like I said, I keep entertained... next word "Unfortunately", to keep a tone.
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B9
Bluelight Crew
Sometimes sparks are only seen when one is facing away from the fire.
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Working in the tourist industry in America sounds wonderful - at least to an old fool stuck in rainy Britain it does.
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Working in the tourist industry in America sounds wonderful - at least to an old fool stuck in rainy Britain it does.
Chainer
Bluelighter
twenty-six, I think you should post about this in The Dark Side, the support there is immeasurable and invaluable.
muvolution
Bluelight Crew
26 - have you ever tried an acupuncture allergy specialist? I know it sounds like complete bullshit, but I went to this guy who exposed me to very small amounts of things I was allergic to, then needled my hands and after 4 treatments, my allergies went away.
I know it sounds like bs, but it really works.
I know it sounds like bs, but it really works.
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
^What kinds of allergies? Food allergies? Like the kinds that can lead to full on anaphylaxis? Or just the kinds that lead to minor rashes/runny noses/itchy eyes/etc.?
muvolution
Bluelight Crew
I used it for food allergies and 2 drug allergies - I had an anaphalactic reaction to Voltaren (diclofenac) and although I don't take it now, I know I'm not going to die if they use it in the ER or something on me.
My girlfriend used it for nature allergies n shit. I swear to god it works. Even for things like Wheat allergies/ Celiac disease, and lactose intolerance.
My girlfriend used it for nature allergies n shit. I swear to god it works. Even for things like Wheat allergies/ Celiac disease, and lactose intolerance.
Chainer
Bluelighter
My dad had acupuncture for natural allergies that were fucking with his sleep. He went a total of 6 times in a short period, he swore to me that it worked, even though he went into it completely believing it was bullshit. He also had success with acupuncture and tinitis.
itsok
Bluelighter
i had allergies really bad until i was like 12. i had a bloody nose almost everyday from air conditioning, perfume, sugar-and my nose was constantly stuffed. my dad did acupuncture on me a few times and i did the electric pulse thing to myself w and wo accupuncture and it disappeared forever, yay!!
try it, you might like it!
try it, you might like it!
Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
To put it simply, I'm pro-suicide. Yes I phrase that in an exaggerated, cofrontational manner on purpose, and I am merely accepting of the option, but anyway I have never understood the fanatic belief Westerners have the life is to preserved and extended at all costs.
No, no you can't. Sometimes you'll fail at everything you try, and if you've ever read anything ever about psychology you'd know that this concept of absolute free will and influence over ourselves is complete bullshit.
Actually, it's a permanent solution to ALL of your problems, present and future.
The temporary statement is also bullshit, some of us have been dealing with the same couple of problems for our entire lives, clinging on in vain to honeyed words we hear that "things will get better eventually" though they never do.
Come on BL, I expect better from you guys than to try to smother us with platitudes.
I definitely know the feeling. Though whenever I got to the point of trying I haven't had the willpower to go through with it (obviously, I'm not the type to fuck it up).
No, no you can't. Sometimes you'll fail at everything you try, and if you've ever read anything ever about psychology you'd know that this concept of absolute free will and influence over ourselves is complete bullshit.
Actually, it's a permanent solution to ALL of your problems, present and future.
The temporary statement is also bullshit, some of us have been dealing with the same couple of problems for our entire lives, clinging on in vain to honeyed words we hear that "things will get better eventually" though they never do.
Come on BL, I expect better from you guys than to try to smother us with platitudes.
I definitely know the feeling. Though whenever I got to the point of trying I haven't had the willpower to go through with it (obviously, I'm not the type to fuck it up).
fridgebuzz
Bluelighter
I think your views on social behavior and reality in general are totally delusional.
You can't understand the effects of your suicide on others because you're unable to see past yourself. Everyone isn't like you. Don't neglect them because you can't get over yourself. Start building relationships to gain a greater appreciation of other's outlooks.
You can't understand the effects of your suicide on others because you're unable to see past yourself. Everyone isn't like you. Don't neglect them because you can't get over yourself. Start building relationships to gain a greater appreciation of other's outlooks.