Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

[panic in paradise]

you can find many ways to better it.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Still looking for some way to end it.

I understand how frustrated you must be.

Jobs are a scarce commodity for those who don't already have one.

In fact, it seems that if you already "have a job", and you come off as "I don't need this job because I already have one", this seems like an ideal quality for an employee.

To me, it doesn't, because the more needy employees are going to be able to do a better job, as they are depending on the income. People who don't need the income are more willing to just stop showing up to work.

However, you can still find work and your life is still worth living.

Please give it a thought, would you still be trying to find a job if you still couldn't get one, and eventually have the means to turn your life around?

I think you know deep down inside that it can get better, it just seems impossible in this very moment of this day, or maybe it's seemed impossible for weeks or months now.

But it isn't. This is like a mirage, when we are at our wits end, our situation appears to be something we can't recover from. However, despite this, if you keep working around the hurdles and obstacles in life, eventually your perspective will change to one that is better, and more positive.

If you are still considering suicide, please PM me. Many of us have walked through similar dark paths in life, even if no one has lived the exact same life you have, we can still understand parts of what you are going through. Many of us here are really quality people who can help.

If you don't want to PM me, then please PM someone else who seems caring to you. They are, and they are very legitimate, honest, compassionate people who can keep promises, who will keep secrets, and who have no reason not to. They may have gone through rougher things in life than you, or they may have not.

Either way, we all still care about you as a member of the Bluelight community, so please think about it.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

"Only once the drugs are done, that I feel like dying"

 

[MescalitoBandito]

true dat. and i cant gets no drugs...

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I don't understand how people fucking make it in this world. How they always have a roof over their heads. How they manage to stay sane in a world ruled by money. How they live, period. I lose my housing June 2nd. I was going to move, but due to complications I'm not so sure, and I think I'm stuck in this town...and....I....don't know.

Everybody has friends and shit. Now, I don't value human relationshits really. I have two friends. People have all these people who front them money and shit. I don't have that. I don't have fucking parents. I....feel so lost. All I have is me.

 

[panic in paradise]

all you need is you zap,,, those "sane" people only believe they are because it easy and safe...
they only ignore what is really real, and thats the ugly shit of life.
dont be a fucking assumption of their ignorant madness.
think of it as, youve come, and gone, been carried/directed way to far to just stop, and try to turn around now.

allow you understanding of, of outward strength(him)&inner creation(fem). your deeper though of peace in the earth, and higher mind of the ability to roam it free as is, in a cradled chaos of experience and knowledge to gain, it is in your name i say.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I know that all I technically need is me.

But its fucking overwhelming. I've always been a loner. Never bothered having relationshits or caring for people. But now I need help. And there is no one. Do you know what it's like to be completely alone?

 

[panic in paradise]

no, i dont know what its like to be completely alone.

you have proven over the years to me anyway, to be someone who does deserve a relationship, and to care for, and to be cared for.

i suppose thats why i let myself start running above...

so you have been a survivor and a fighter, ask for the help youve proven deserving of, be insistent, use your natural resources to find help.

just think of whats needed to be done now, dont let your mind wonder much on these thoughts. stay focused and keep trying, there are plenty of people asking for such help, and are not really needing it... or trying.

you do need the help and are trying, i know how backwards things can become, but some-one will notice your effort.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

You know what I realized? It's all a fucking abomination, and it always has been. Nothing is perfect, everything/one is fucked up to some degree, and that's reality. There's the ideal, and there's reality, and the two are never going to come together, and the inability to cope with reality seems to drive my sickness, and I think it drives the sicknesses of other people who have felt suicidal. The people who don't make it are just surrounded by such an unfortunate permutation of reality that there is nothing they feel like they can do, but they forget the fact that, at the heart of the matter, they already are free, and always have been. Free to transform their life, their situation, their whole world, into something that one can cope with. Thoughts of yourself feeling bad is the number one pitfall in modern society. You must overcome it!
I'm not anyone other than a fellow drug addict disappointment to my parents who has felt the horrible pangs of suicidal thoughts in the past (in addition to anything else I felt like being at any given time).
The world as you know it isn't real, or, I should say, it isn't fixed. It's dynamic. It's ever flowing and changing. Your choices are the sole difference maker.

 

[TINK]

Please keep in mind that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Things can change... all you have to do is reach out for help!

 

[Seith]

Ive read the OP so many times. I was released from a locked psych ward and then sent home because they can't get medication to work for me. Now I'm sitting here on the beach with a ton of pills and a pack of razors wondering why I shouldn't do it. Is it selfish of me to leave my family or selfish of them for wanting me around even though I am in pain?

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

Your pain is trying to tell you something about yourself. That's what pain's for. If you see it through some good will come of it.
Other than that I can't really answer your other questions as that would require a lot of assuming on my part to do so.

When I first read that you were sitting on the beach I thought you were gonna say something like you've beat your depression without their meds, but I'm very sorry for you and honestly got sad to hear about your state of being.
Try to pin point the thoughts that are tearing you down and observe them. Learn where they come from, where they are leading, and why they are there.
Also don't forget to enjoy the beach. That's a wonderful place. Get into it! Appreciate everything surrounding you, and if you think you don't have enough room amid all your problems, kick some out temporarily and just enjoy your breath and all your senses.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Ive read the OP so many times. I was released from a locked psych ward and then sent home because they can't get medication to work for me. Now I'm sitting here on the beach with a ton of pills and a pack of razors wondering why I shouldn't do it. Is it selfish of me to leave my family or selfish of them for wanting me around even though I am in pain?

It is not selfish, no. This is irrelevant to the matter at hand.

What pain are you in? Psychological or physical?

 

[panic in paradise]

*mind a ramble? it is the truth to me..please do see how you can relate*


" Is it selfish of me to leave my family or selfish of them for wanting me around even though I am in pain? "

these thoughts can come to me, as i have a number of progressive chronic pain d/o's, and psychological.
it is a relevant question, and such feeling do come, and leave as suddenly.

but the question needs to be looked at again.
the question its self is this hopeless paradox by design, hopelessness i feel only exists parallel to helpless - to be completely helpless - and the only way i see helpless possible is to not have the chance or ability to ask, which you are.

things change, i in an instant developed incredible rib and shoulder-blade pain, awful hell my friend maddening to tolerate or conceive now... after 18 months of this 24/7 accepting that it may kill me, this reaction to a medicine i took on a whim, and i accepted that.... because it happened and is to others too.

and then,,,, it left.
this encompassing perfect torture, just disappeared, and i dont know where it went, what it was, and if it is really gone after all.


but i was crazy enough to keep telling it to fuck-off, learned to cope as much as possible by educating myself further, meditating, going into it, that inner-space...
not everyone has the mind or experience to do so,
it unfortunately sounds like you may, hehe, but after finding
your way through this, and creating something for yourself from it, you will be of more character, greater of self if only to yourself, and further more, with a higher awareness of others and appreciation from your surroundings.

there is a lot to do in this world, and we all have out place, find what is most beautiful to you in these black moments, and then try and find how you do relate.

 

[Seith]

Psychological. Made it to my Mums and she took me back to the psych ward and they think its in my best interest if they change my meds and have me stay a little longer which is all I ever fucking wanted from them. These doctors are so fucking thick I may as well be talking to an empty chair.

Thanks for the quick responses guys, I would have replied sooner if I was in the right state of mind.

The reason I live is for my family. There were things done to me as a child and if I mentioned it I'm sure it would destroy them, yet I let it destroy me so they may have peace.

 

[panic in paradise]

i know what you mean,,
i had to watch my dad on fire, ready to just mash after telling them.

but it smoothed out.
depending on your psych, you could have them come in and have a pro there to help mediate. idk, its a tough spot bt you come first in this, and i guess if the stress and pain of seeing them have to deal with it is greater then keeping it for now, then that this is a valid consideration.

at some point, this being spoken of will be of great relief,
dreading that day is absolutely counter-productive and unnecessary i believe.


~ Life Love & Light
...

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

Yo you gotta tell them what's on your mind. It's hurting you way more than it'll possibly hurt them. People can cope with things. They might be shocked at whatever it is, but they'll just be more caring about you once you tell them, and you have to be honest with your therapists or they can't really help you at all.
I know psychiatrists can really suck, but they aren't meant to be these wise people with all the answers, they're meant to prescribe drugs that fit with your symptoms. Psychologists, or talk therapists, tend to be way more helpful when it comes to life situations and hearing you out and offering advice. Psychiatrists are just the middle man between you and the pharmacy essentially. I don't mean to put them down, but it's your health that's important, and if you are ONLY receiving antidepressants and they come off as totally thick then you aren't getting the best help you can. And it sounds like you need lots of support.
Fight hard for your survival and do what you know needs to be done and don't overthink it.

Also, if you are worried that any step in your process of recovery will somehow negatively affect the ones you love, you shouldn't let that stop you from doing and saying the things that are necessary. Selfish isn't a bad word in this case.

Don't you think your current miserable state is affecting them far worse than anything you could possibly get off your chest?

 

[Cohesion]

3 weeks ago., I became homeless + DCFS took my daughter. Found suicide as a solution but found the ER before the dope. Went inpatient. Wrote "Reasons to Live".

I'm considering a long-term trip to the State Mental Hospital......

I am a risk to myself. God DAMN the brain damage already done. I took a huge bite of a new apple- "bathsalts" and hell if I don't wake up 3, 4 days later with WHO beside me? And why the HELL did I make sex videos w a stranger.

You know what I realized? It's all a fucking abomination, and it always has been. Nothing is perfect, everything/one is fucked up to some degree, and that's reality. There's the ideal, and there's reality, and the two are never going to come together, and the inability to cope with reality seems to drive my sickness, and I think it drives the sicknesses of other people who have felt suicidal. The people who don't make it are just surrounded by such an unfortunate permutation of reality that there is nothing they feel like they can do, but they forget the fact that, at the heart of the matter, they already are free, and always have been. Free to transform their life, their situation, their whole world, into something that one can cope with. Thoughts of yourself feeling bad is the number one pitfall in modern society. You must overcome it!
I'm not anyone other than a fellow drug addict disappointment to my parents who has felt the horrible pangs of suicidal thoughts in the past (in addition to anything else I felt like being at any given time).
The world as you know it isn't real, or, I should say, it isn't fixed. It's dynamic. It's ever flowing and changing. Your choices are the sole difference maker.

Your pain is trying to tell you something about yourself. That's what pain's for. If you see it through some good will come of it.
Other than that I can't really answer your other questions as that would require a lot of assuming on my part to do so.

When I first read that you were sitting on the beach I thought you were gonna say something like you've beat your depression without their meds, but I'm very sorry for you and honestly got sad to hear about your state of being.
Try to pin point the thoughts that are tearing you down and observe them. Learn where they come from, where they are leading, and why they are there.
Also don't forget to enjoy the beach. That's a wonderful place. Get into it! Appreciate everything surrounding you, and if you think you don't have enough room amid all your problems, kick some out temporarily and just enjoy your breath and all your senses.

I appreciate your optimism. To remember to breathe is different than experiencing *enjoyment* from it. When negative thoughts are ALL that come, cravings, too, it is HARD to abolish the suicide path.

Seith, how long have you been feeling like this?

I know you may not want to hear this but this pain will eventually pass. When? Fuck, I wish there was an answer for that to instill some sort of hope. The only certainty that can show that it will pass is through those who have felt that very same pain (or greater) and stuck through until it passed. There are many of us who didn't think it would ever go away. For a few, it just 'went away' but for most, some sort of action was taken to change. The motivation for that action can be extremely difficult to muster (which makes it feel even more hopeless). I guess you could say that the level of pain has to exceed the level of fear of change.

What can you do right now, no matter how little, to make an effort to become 'you' again.

Maybe, you can disregard the term 'selfish' altogether and place yourself into service to others in some manner? Maybe just something simple like grabbing a couple of Dollar Value Meals from the local fast food joint and giving it to a random homeless person. (yeah, it sounds odd but I have done this when I wanted out and it actually helped lessen my own pain)

"Random homeless person" <ME
I still produce breastmilk for a child 2.5 years old who wastaken from my custody. I'm addicted, homeless, horny, frigid, beautiful, afraid, and reality is growing distorted. Mental illness is growing like a cancer right now. AndI will just keep taking speed. I need someone to understand that this is a message from deep below.

I want to travel this summer, but I needto focus on getting a home so my daughter will return soon as possible.

Until then, I'd like to barter anything I could, in return for MDMA-guided therapy. If mind were not so weak at this time I'd likely be in proper company, to land that opportunity.

When I close my eyes I escape well. My current obsession is teasing men for my own personal perversions. Combine Estella's mission to break hearts, with the sexual potential of Lolita.

Considering a heroin overdose, not for today but reminding myself that the option is there.

More immediately, I want to speed and fuck.

In reality, sleep.

I am aware of the erratic communication. But I'm glad to be able to reach out. I have no shame anymore. Thanks for reading.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

I kinda feel like the lame one trying to be all optimistic amid people's real problems, but gradually my own suicidal thoughts subsided and a lust for life happened and all I can do is try to give people hope that they too can change. I had many positive opportunities come my way though, and I was coherent enough mentally to be able to jump on them. Impressing my employers through a job interview, and impressing some musicians and joining a good band have greatly helped, but I'm still not entirely better, but a hell of a lot better than where I was.
I'm looking to get a job that pays almost twice what I make now, and I'm looking to improve my music. Far less essential things than what I was dealing with in the earlier part of the year, but they are keeping sane and happy.

I wish you the best. The absolute best. Don't accept the fact that you will just keep taking speed, don't beat yourself up over the fact that you can't seem to stop, but don't just think "once an addict always an addict" and stop trying to get your sanity back.

 

[severely etarded]

Psychological. Made it to my Mums and she took me back to the psych ward and they think its in my best interest if they change my meds and have me stay a little longer which is all I ever fucking wanted from them. These doctors are so fucking thick I may as well be talking to an empty chair.

Thanks for the quick responses guys, I would have replied sooner if I was in the right state of mind.

The reason I live is for my family. There were things done to me as a child and if I mentioned it I'm sure it would destroy them, yet I let it destroy me so they may have peace.

Seith man! Don't do anything. Everybody will miss you!! I'm glad you are finally out of the psych hospital. From what you told me it was horrendous. Gotta take it one day at a time. Maybe you ought to talk to someone about your childhood.