Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

[purple_cloud]

How do suicide hotlnes work - if you call and they get worried can they call 911 on you ?

From what I was told a couple weeks ago, they will NOT call 911 unless you pretty much tell them you are going to kill yourself. They really don't want to involve 911 unless they really do fear your life is in danger. From my understanding, you can even mention self mutilation, and as long as you aren't trying to cause fatal injuries, they won't contact help either. I feel like they understand that most people who call them are feeling suicidal and really, just need someone to talk to, to keep them company. And that's what they are there for. Don't hesitate to call them though...the resource exists so that people use it when they need it. I also think they'd tell you they were going to call 911 before they did it, since they aren't there to trick you. If you do need 911 services though, I'm sure you can have them call if you don't want to do it yourself. I feel really embarrassed about any suicidal thoughts I have, I'm not sure why...I guess it's the ultimate feeling of weakness and hopelessness. It's been about 45 mins since your post, I hope you called if you needed to and feel safe now

 

[panic in paradise]

man ive called them several times, to talk about grinding pain lol

as i mentioned earlier, doing so, you will usually hear yourself answer your own questions if you listen close.
do it man, if you havent, its very relaxed and has never been awkward or over sympathetic. just people talking... only they have knowledge and experience to offer. its a lot lese strange then here..

 

[Dragynfyr]

CH sayz:

This way, you can get 9 months of medicine and psychiatrist appointments out of 5 visits. If you explain up front to the psychiatrist how the insurance works for you, they should try to fit treatment around your schedule.

Actually, if you go through our school for meds, they are not allowed to give you more than enough pills to last you till your next visit a required two weeks later. REALLY shitty if you get sick!!!

Seriously, fuck our system. I'd rather deal with the Indians, Chinese ,Serbians, and the kids who don't wanna be as jacked on speed as their doc says so now that they've actually found a doc that will Rx and over does it. It's like the more classes I go to the more I'm taught how WRONG our schools mental health program is. I went to a school doc two fucking YEARS ago describing my symptoms as best I could, which now I read were TEXT book ADHD, going back to as young as I could remember, even following the expected path of being hyperactive in the younger years, and developing into massive anxiety and depression as a result of not being able to keep up, and blurting out stupid embarrassing shit in social situations because you are afraid you'll forget what pops into your head so you get it out right away without thinking about it.. I dunno, reading that ADHD chapter in the abnormal child psych book was quite the experience.. like everything I was TRYING to say right there in print, along with tons of reminders of shit I had completely forgotten about going through.

So I asked my dad, did any of the doctors I went to as a kid, any of the teachers having all the problems with me, the principals, hell a nurse even, did ANY of them suggest ADD/ ADHD? 'no' he told me, but he always thought HE might have had it... Great, so there is a 60% genetic hand down rate, and he thought HE even had it, but never mentioned anything.. And my younger brother by five years, HE happened to be in grade school at the sweet spot time when ADHD was becoming a more well known issue. We entered treatment at the same docs, at the same time. He got adhd meds, I was stuck on antidepressants that didn't fuckin do anything, I was only depressed because I couldn't keep up in school. Heavy genetic linkage. Dad thinks he has it. Brother gets a proper diagnosis.. I was born a few years too soon to catch the wave.

Now years later, my college docs are afraid of losing their jobs for DOING THEIR JOBS by providing the NEEDED health care that they are supposed to. All they do is repeat the mistakes of the doctors that led me by the hand to my near death bed back in high school. Here, we can't treat what's wrong with you, but we can try to chip away at the other symptoms caused by your real problem. Good luck kiddo



....if u c this pc I got fucked out of going out last night because D passed the fuck out on my couch again.. fat kid cravings have been growing for over a week now lol I need grease =p




*edit* and to whoever is wondering about calling crisis services, I was gonna say what PC did, I was AMAZED that they were as cool as they were, personally I NEVER FOR A SECOND would have considered calling them for fear of being locked up, but they really seem to be cool like that and very anti-calling cops so long as you don't tell them you're bleeding out in a tub or holding a gun

 

[purple_cloud]

*edit* and to whoever is wondering about calling crisis services, I was gonna say what PC did, I was AMAZED that they were as cool as they were, personally I NEVER FOR A SECOND would have considered calling them for fear of being locked up, but they really seem to be cool like that and very anti-calling cops so long as you don't tell them you're bleeding out in a tub or holding a gun

Definitely true =) but this is the crisis services number I posted in the resources thread in TDS, and it's local to the Buffalo area...I'm assuming plenty are like that. Just wanted to say I finally got a psychiatrist appointment! It's two weeks from today too! They called me this morning and said that was the earliest appointment and since my counselor called they hope the time/date works out for me...I said definitely. Hope this goes well! Only took several weeks, right?

 

[theartofwar]

shit never fucking gets better in this life for more than a fucking short glimmer - inevitably it's back to square fucking one.

logic is the only thing keeping me going anymore i want to throw myself off the fucking tobin bridge fuck this world. and fuck anyone who thinks this shit whining - im so fucking fed up with people telling me be open and the second i am it's as if everyhting i say is a fucking cancer. I hate this fucking world.

 

[theartofwar]

the more i even think about it the more it makes no sense. logic would say stop hurting people and since that consistently seems to be what my actions do no matter what I try - who the fuck am I kidding. Isolation I suppose and my dog are about the only hopes I feel I have right now.

 

[donnie080208]

@ fellow bluelights , I know theres a lot of pain in this thread so i will be as brief as i can.Friday night i made a reasonably serious attempt to kill myself, £20 iv heroin, 240ml methadone , 10 5mg mogadons, and 30 ml iv diazepam. I am on methadone 80 ml daily so have a tolerance.
This was late Friday i phoned my ex and mother of my kids in a blackout on Fri and Saturday morning, going of the txts records on mobile phone. next thing i wake up Sunday night.
It wasn't really a planned thing although it , like many of you, has been in my mind for years.
Somewhere along the line i also managed to cut my arms open with a razor blade.
My behavior , despite script meds, and especially on illicit drugs ,has become increasingly erratic.
I go to pick my kids up for a few hours tomoz and im dreading it more than usual because of what i may have said. I love my kids but tbh fear of outdoors and being around other people taints my time with them.
Ive tried everything different meds, no drugs , no drink nothing ever seems to change the pain im in.
If theres a god and he is love, surely hed understand the suicidal man

 

[craigyt2k]

For me to feel good i need a good diet and urine therapy, some people dont believe in it which is no surprise in todays culture but i do and have practiced it often when my diets good for a few days running. plenty of TAO articles explaining the benefits, i mean living 100% raw vegan, once i get on that diet, things slowly start to improve, energy levels/mood/clear thinking... the list goes on. But in my living situation i start the diet and then fall of in times of boredom or think i can have a bit of time off but i spiral into a hole of no energy and lack of motivation, today is my third day and i did the same last weekend. i think its just a case of brain training.

As for suicide, It's a constant intruding thought i would rather be without. i have no job, i live with parents (which is why im surrounded by bad food) im moving into a flat for ex drug users/mental health issues and i know things would improve for me as i'd be making my own food, having meetings etc. and also give me some breathing space from being under my dads roof with his wife (i avoid them like the plague) i know they want the best, and i wouldnt feel selfish leaving anyone behind upset etc as i wouldnt be here so that wouldnt matter at all. selfish but true.

soon as i move up the waiting list but it could be weeks. in the meantime i'm just wallowing in my misery hoping the next day i wake up and go for a swim/eat well and get stick to it/dont fuck up on weekend and spiral.

Still, It's like i've experienced this life, it has no more too offer no matter what i do, sure every moments different and i know things will change if i make them/let them. the only thing stopping me from commiting harry carry is lazyness and certainty to score a few bags of heroin and buy a bottle of vodka ttake a concoction of pills.. stay sober enough to climb a tree with my prepped super strong needle ready and rope round my nech for when i fall off the branch/OD. sure it may be a squeamish sight and times of grief and mourning for the folks who put effort/love etc into bringing me up.. the only thing i've ever truly enoyed is getting messed up but now i've lost the enjoyment apart from opiates which are too temporary, i want an end to the suffering. i hate the world, the wars, will to power, consumerism, all thebullshit. we are all just keeping outselves entertained untill we die by aiming to release happy chemicals, why dont i just give up. like on kevin and perry, im too good for this world. so why am i still here? oh yeah, answered that one. i mean, i still laugh, make people laugh, have a great deal to offer but its just not enough.

I guess to sum it up, i just wanna burn out, fade away. no worries as yet though im definatley hanging on for a couple of years at least till i get a chance at a pukker skag deal to do the job right.

right now my only hookup is too a-typical rip off merchant, never a certain i wont get ripped off get a bad deal. i often think, maybe i'll goto him once every 1-2 weeks and up enough bag untill i know i have enough drugs to do the job. i mean surely in 12 weeks i'd have a stash big enough. exciting or what!?

 

[craigyt2k]

and i guess the reason im posting here is because whatever im interested in at any given moment when im at home i read up on the internet, have done for years, and for this i have a great understanding of lots of things in life other people dont seem to value. i want peace on earth, i hate the western ways and even the eastern ways have lost there appeal. i've had meds, they aint for me, if i was too get better it would be working on my diet which i think is key, organic fruit and veg makes me feel so much better but the its never enough, i will always want more. i feel like some kind of rock god. i have pages of lyrics and easily enough talent to make something of my music, would be able to make lots of friends that way and make people happy, thats one thing to do before i go if i get round to it. otherwise, them songs will get left to my mate in my will with a request that he gets healthy, follows what i taught him about quitting smoking, eating vegan, getting super healthy and confident then gigging the songs solo. all the above are my plans and also to see how things go when i move out, get the chance to be with others who are trying to live clean happy lives.

that pretty much sums me up, drug use started with drinking early teens and i've used a wide variety of substances but the major ones to affect my thinking have been DMT, LSA, Mesc, Heroin. basically realising that what we dont see is more beatiful than what we do, like Jim morrison, i like to dull the senses to obtain the unknown, and my ony friend(THE END), split parents as a toddler, im pretty much your typical candidate for suicide. cant fuckin wait to get it over with. i promise nothing you say or do will change my mind im not here for that. maybe some may find these posts actually pro suicide, and for that im sorry

 

[donnie080208]

@craigy I hate to say i know how you feel but i do , as much as anyone really can. I look at people going about their everyday life , work etc..and think to myself, how the fuck do you do it. Going to pick up methadone everyday, 5 Min's away from home is a nightmare. I too believe cannabis and particularly LSD, triggered many of my mental health probs in my teens. Ive become someone i used to think id never be, alone jobless, addicted and worst of all hope less.
I always swore id kill myself before i got this low, maybe i keep fucking up on purpose to give me the courage i have so far truly lacked. Somehow i didn't die Friday, no one found me i was just asleep, black out for nearly 48 hours.
Am i glad i lived, i dont know, im still a nervous wreck who's only feeling seems to be fear.

 

[craigyt2k]

I am jealous of people with career have not matured spiritually like i may have, i amust behind career wise. anxiety exists for me as it does for everyone. i seriously just see suicide as a easy way out, an unreturnable escape. im not ready for it yet but im drunk now. i have grand plans of being clean from drink and drugs, starting tomorrow.

one more night on the booze for me. no doubt tomorrow will feel terrible.

its nice to know if need be an go buy a rope, though i cant imagine it getting that bad.

 

[craigyt2k]

i dont believe drugs triggered anything for me, only opened me up though i was open anyway, making me prone to trying all drugs, now i've tryed most of them i am happy to say i've been there and got the t shirt. its time to try the straight life for a change

 

[craigyt2k]

Its a stepping stone, i hope people starting off there drug career read this and think twice but i never i just shaved off a few years of my life,

now all i crave is health, human interaction and most of all happiness, WITHOUT DRUGS

haha, seems so easy to me now, best of luck everyone

 

[Keaton]

That's an excellent thing to strive for man.
Drugs can be fun but people rarely think of the damage and darkness they can bring on the user and the people around the user.
Best of luck man, I hope you stick around here.

 

[brimz]

every day i think about suicide, In some respects it's what keep me alive.
It's like i think "well i can always kill myself". I know this is not normal rational behaviour.
But i ain't a normal person . My depression atm is kicking my ass n i if it wasn't 4 my mum being around i would definatley have acted out, i have no other family and although i am Heroin addict , mentally ill fuck up i just couldn't put my mum through it.
2day 4 instance has been a living nightmare , i haven't had any drugs(opiates) except my small methadone script n some benzo's ,which i'm addicted 2 anyway.
It's only under the influence of opiates that i get any real rel;eif from these constant feelings of anxiety , depression and mental pain.
This might sound like a cop out but it is geuinely true.

 

[BrahamCracker]

I understand that feeling Brimz. suicidal thoughts can actually be relaxing for some people, like it used to do to me. That numb and lonely feeling after a while becomes expected. Suicide is a girl dressed in a huge black robe, can;t see her face or any part of her body, just the outline. She comes to you in sadness, doesn't say a word to you but just sits by yourside and listens. In a way she wants you to come with her, but you know she's putting on a front. Yet she's right there with heroin messaging your heart and relaxing your nerves. For once i am not thinking about 27 things at once or feeling anxious about the minimal effort oddjobs i have to do, or i should at least.

She has had my eye for a long time. suicide isn't funny, even though i use it at times to get people to realize i need help. My family didn't really take my depression/adhd/anxiety seriously until they got a call saying i was in the hospital for an overdose. Right now i don't feel love, patience or happiness, and that girl knows it. sorry if nothing made sense, i'm still waiting for my meds to kick in.

One day i'll write a thrilling paragraph about suicide and depression that will inspire you all.

 

[n3ophy7e]

every day i think about suicide, In some respects it's what keep me alive.
It's like i think "well i can always kill myself". I know this is not normal rational behaviour.
But i ain't a normal person . My depression atm is kicking my ass n i if it wasn't 4 my mum being around i would definatley have acted out, i have no other family

brimz, I know you're suffering with a lot of burden but you always need to keep this in mind. Your mum would be absolutely destroyed if you ever left her. If you've got no other family, then she doesn't either. You've gotta stick around for her, if not for both of you
Are you doing any kind of program for your drug addiction?

 

[brimz]

@N3 .
Yeah i am in what is called "Drug Treatment" but it isn't much more than seing a severly overworked "Drug worker" every 2 weeks telling him what he wants 2 hear so i can get my script.
I no this sounds cynical but i've had various councilors, etc over the last 15 years n just when i feel like i'm building a relationship or connection they leave or go on maternity leave etc.
I am currently actually considering residential treatment and have had the 1st part of an assesment this morning , but i'm still not convinced this will be appropriatre 4 me , but i 'm not gonna rule it out.
In a way i am being cohersed in2 this by Mum , but as i said i'm not going 2 rule it out .
I have been in the rooms of NA b4 , not for along time but i did learn some things that i try n take in to the day with me . In relation 2 NA i think it really depends on finding the right group as they can differ greatly . I live in a very middle class city and i felt very out of place at the rooms , although the newcomer is supposed 2 be the most important person in the room this was certainly not the case ime .
But i did go 2 meetings in a nearby city that was much more positive but we are talking agood 8 years ago. Again something i would never rule out.
ATM i am feeling ok but this has more 2 do with me having just picked up my benzo script and drinkingf 100ml of nitrazepam.
Still very confused but hey not 2 day thats 4 sure.

 

[purple_cloud]

Still very confused but hey not 2 day thats 4 sure.

I think that's a good thought process to have, actually. Focus on getting through each day...the fact you can say "not today" towards suicide is extremely positive. I'm trying to think "one-day-at-a-time" right now too, and it seems to not be such a bad way to go about things thus far.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ So true p_c, sometimes all we can do is just take each day as it comes and promise ourselves that we will make it through today.

brimz it sounds like you're doing the best you can at the moment. If you decide to go to residential treatment that will be the best decision you can make at the time. And you'll do it when you're ready