Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

[Captain.Heroin]

the following are the thoughts that have kept me from killing myself for two and a half decades now. if you think they're stupid that's fine, but i don't need to hear from you, just leave it alone.

i think that everything happens for a reason ...

i have a basic sense that our reality is bigger than we can know --- anyone ---

and that "i" or a larger more complete aspect of myself has somehow chosen this life i'm living --- aka that this hell of loneliness i'm living through is somehow what i'm --supposed-- to be living through - for whatever fucked up reason the universe has -

so, if i terminate the experience, the deal will not be closed. the chapter unfinished. i'll just be thrown back into a similar circumstance, as many times as it takes until i learn to deal with it.

i just want to get it over with. no fucking way i'm doing this again. i'll just live it through to the natural end, soak up whatever pain existence wants me to feel, and be done with it.

if some good shit happens along the way, well it's just all the sweeter ! no one else can savour the good stuff like we can !!!

of course we sometimes get scared of good things happening because they might give hope-=- and hope never seems to pan out --- and being scared to feel good because it hurts so much to lose it yet again, is a horribly hard thing to live with. that's the loss of hope, and the beginning of the end for so many.

so i just appreciate the good moments when they come. i slowly learn to accept negative feelings as they are, without getting upset about feeling bad - because that's the deadly spiral right there -

and nothing is more wonderful on this Earth than a mutherfucking tall glass of cold water in the middle of the fucking desert. those who live the psychologically pampered life never really know how that feels !!! we can !!! find it !!!

Thanks for sharing this. I really appreciated reading it.

That really resonated with me actually. Thanks man. I'm gonna stick it out for a while longer at least.

I'm lonely as hell too. Completely, utterly alone. I just want someone to hold me. Fuck, typing this is making me cry.

Thanks everyone.

There's a lot of people on Bluelight to talk to about this, who are kind and considerate people. If you want to throw me a PM, please do so.

 

[Asclepius]

I'm lonely as hell too. Completely, utterly alone. I just want someone to hold me. Fuck, typing this is making me cry.

Really sorry your feeling this way Outsider. However things can and do change. I know how horrible that lonliness feels like when its staring you in the face but if you sit with it you just might realise how strong you are in the face of it.
It is important to reach out sometimes and not let ourselves get totally isolated because people do have an energy that sustains us, however trivial the company may be(I find just a warm cashier clerk can carry me through a day when Im really lonely/depressed)
One thing I learned from lonleyness is just how much I can do for myself and by myself. Also I fight to let it not embitter me- this is a challenge!... but agiain there is a character building reward to these things that will last you a lifetime!

 

[jaggedpills]

To me, this is empty words. If I were able to pull myself together & go through these steps to deal with the pain, I wouldn't be wanting to kill myself. I tried all of this before I got to this point. Now I am going through the motions, waiting for the day that the knife slips or I didn't see the car. This would be helpful to read... Before having given up.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

To me, this is empty words. If I were able to pull myself together & go through these steps to deal with the pain, I wouldn't be wanting to kill myself. I tried all of this before I got to this point. Now I am going through the motions, waiting for the day that the knife slips or I didn't see the car. This would be helpful to read... Before having given up.

People give up on themselves, or their lives, yes, but this doesn't mean you can't change your mind.

Have you thought about just talking to some people on here to gain some perspective? There are a lot of friendly, kind people here to talk to.

 

[the outsider]

Really sorry your feeling this way Outsider. However things can and do change. I know how horrible that lonliness feels like when its staring you in the face but if you sit with it you just might realise how strong you are in the face of it.
It is important to reach out sometimes and not let ourselves get totally isolated because people do have an energy that sustains us, however trivial the company may be(I find just a warm cashier clerk can carry me through a day when Im really lonely/depressed)
One thing I learned from lonleyness is just how much I can do for myself and by myself. Also I fight to let it not embitter me- this is a challenge!... but agiain there is a character building reward to these things that will last you a lifetime!

Thanks man. Christmas helped, had a nice dinner with family followed by a fat spliff. Feeling much better now. My New Year's Resolution will be to make a Friend

 

[Seith]

Life is great, my mind is absolutely fucked, I fucking hate this place. I waited 24 hours, I waited 24 days, I waited 24 months and I fucking waited years. I'm fucking sick of this. Nothing gets better, medication does not help, friends don't fucking care, I don't fucking know why I bother.

 

[cato9lives]

Thanks man. Christmas helped, had a nice dinner with family followed by a fat spliff. Feeling much better now. My New Year's Resolution will be to make a Friend

Outsider, great to hear you have access to family and something to help you cope. if weed is an effective medicine for you, that's one thing you can count yourself very lucky to have ! you should rightly treasure that. and protect it. by not complicating things with other drugs or meds, if at all possible. i had that in the past, but it's long gone now down a dark tunnel of complications.

Life is great, my mind is absolutely fucked, I fucking hate this place. I waited 24 hours, I waited 24 days, I waited 24 months and I fucking waited years. I'm fucking sick of this. Nothing gets better, medication does not help, friends don't fucking care, I don't fucking know why I bother.

Seith, what kind of fucked ? one fucked mind in the middle of beautiful life to another.

 

[Seith]

Seith, what kind of fucked ?

Fucked as in broken, ruined, useless, depressed, wrong, fucked.

If only my doctor would let me pick up all my diazepam at once.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thanks man. Christmas helped, had a nice dinner with family followed by a fat spliff. Feeling much better now. My New Year's Resolution will be to make a Friend

That's a very reasonable New Year's resolution!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Fucked as in broken, ruined, useless, depressed, wrong, fucked.

If only my doctor would let me pick up all my diazepam at once.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but can you explain why you believe you feel this way?

Diazepam and most benzodiazepines, are very hard to overdose on. I had a friend (who has since passed away due to a methadone and butalbital overdose) who took three hundred 10mg tablets (that's 3 grams of diazepam) and survived. He was hospitalized, and he didn't come out of it unscathed, but he was still alive.

Don't take this the wrong way but most people aren't prescribed that much.

You mentioned your friends not caring, why do you think that they don't care about you?

 

[Seith]

I'm sorry you feel this way, but can you explain why you believe you feel this way?

No, I can't explain what is going on in my mind when I don't understand it myself. It's just pure frustrations over the smallest things. I just want it to stop because it only gets worse.

Diazepam and most benzodiazepines, are very hard to overdose on. I had a friend (who has since passed away due to a methadone and butalbital overdose) who took three hundred 10mg tablets (that's 3 grams of diazepam) and survived. He was hospitalized, and he didn't come out of it unscathed, but he was still alive.

Don't take this the wrong way but most people aren't prescribed that much.

I just need help getting to sleep, I'm not trying to overdose. I have other pills that would do the job much better.

You mentioned your friends not caring, why do you think that they don't care about you?

Because they don't, I've tried talking to 'friends' and they don't fucking care. The only person that seems to care is the person I pay to tell me my mind is completely fucked.

 

[cato9lives]

Seith i get like that too. my mind starts fighting against everything no matter how small. rejecting. refusing.

i have to make the effort to -accept- how i feel . keeping in mind that it's a hidden doorway out.

frustration feeding on itself. now frustrated about being so frustrated at everything.

blank mind. accept. today is not good. that's ok. no reaction to the feelings, or at least try not to react to the reaction. start stopping the vicious circle.

 

[jaggedpills]

I find life to be such a waste when I cant do anytin right. I've lost everyone I'm close to & feel utterly useless: no reason for being in existance.

 

[Ds]

Hey JP, what's really going on? talk about it! I found out that if i talk about it, i get that shit out in the open and no longer dread upon the shit.

i've lost everything, my family and friends. due to my addiction, and now I just started to talk with my sister again, my mom and dad still hate my guts, and i feel awful because its the holiday season.
i cant do anything right either, what helps me is helping other people, and being active. I go to NA meetings, and share about shit, get phone numbers, and get friends. I'm not ashamed of where i was and what I am now because I know i'm not alone.

PM me

Hang in there girl!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

No, I can't explain what is going on in my mind when I don't understand it myself. It's just pure frustrations over the smallest things. I just want it to stop because it only gets worse.

Have you tried talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I just need help getting to sleep, I'm not trying to overdose. I have other pills that would do the job much better.

Because they don't, I've tried talking to 'friends' and they don't fucking care. The only person that seems to care is the person I pay to tell me my mind is completely fucked.

That's great you're not trying to overdose! I know what it's like to have shitty sleep. My advice to you is to still not take diazepam for sleep though; most benzodiazepines actually prevent you from having a decent amount of REM sleep; this is why people often wake up after having taken a benzo not refreshed. It's like passing out without getting in the refreshing part of sleep.

Temazepam doesn't do this; which is why I would recommend it over diazepam. Temazepam doesn't inhibit REM sleep like other benzos.

Most importantly, getting enough exercise in a day and eating well also goes a long way.

Maybe you just need some new friends? Legitimate friends would care about you in this way.

 

[Seith]

Have you tried talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I already am, I'm feeling better this morning after this sleep. I was able to talk to him over the phone which had helped calm me down.

That's great you're not trying to overdose! I know what it's like to have shitty sleep. My advice to you is to still not take diazepam for sleep though; most benzodiazepines actually prevent you from having a decent amount of REM sleep; this is why people often wake up after having taken a benzo not refreshed. It's like passing out without getting in the refreshing part of sleep.

Temazepam doesn't do this; which is why I would recommend it over diazepam. Temazepam doesn't inhibit REM sleep like other benzos.

My GP would laugh at me if I asked for Temazepam, I'm just a junkie to him with a drug seeking habit. Either way, shitty sleep is better than no sleep.

Most importantly, getting enough exercise in a day and eating well also goes a long way.

Maybe you just need some new friends? Legitimate friends would care about you in this way.

Right now, if I could I would ditch all my friends, they only ever think about themselves, they only ever want to know me when they need something. It's just I find it extremely difficult to connect with anyone so making new friends for me just does not happen. I only have these friends because I spent years at school with them or spent years working with them.

Thanks for your concern, I'm feeling somewhat better after taking my medication for the day. Not so frustrated and angry any more, just a little sad. Oh well life goes on...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I already am, I'm feeling better this morning after this sleep. I was able to talk to him over the phone which had helped calm me down.

I'm glad to hear that.

My GP would laugh at me if I asked for Temazepam, I'm just a junkie to him with a drug seeking habit. Either way, shitty sleep is better than no sleep.

Get a new GP then. Diazepam is just as addictive as temazepam, if not more so. You deserve quality REM sleep.

Right now, if I could I would ditch all my friends, they only ever think about themselves, they only ever want to know me when they need something. It's just I find it extremely difficult to connect with anyone so making new friends for me just does not happen. I only have these friends because I spent years at school with them or spent years working with them.

Thanks for your concern, I'm feeling somewhat better after taking my medication for the day. Not so frustrated and angry any more, just a little sad. Oh well life goes on...

Ditch your friends then; that's what I did and I couldn't be happier. I don't make friends very easily. I'm happier by myself.

 

[Seith]

I'm glad to hear that.

Get a new GP then. Diazepam is just as addictive as temazepam, if not more so. You deserve quality REM sleep.

Ditch your friends then; that's what I did and I couldn't be happier. I don't make friends very easily. I'm happier by myself.

More of a reply to the PM CH sent me, but I'd like to publicly thank you here. You're an awesome, kind person and just having someone reach out to me today made me feel so much better, thank you .

-Seith

 

[KamMoye]

It's no longer if, but when.

I've done meth twice in the past week for the first time since summer. With most drugs I abuse the hell out of them, regularly doing them weekly or multi-weekly, but not meth. I respect it too much, and the comedown too harsh.

Now? I don't care anymore. The only thing I cared about was getting SuperNova on Stars, presumably out of some intense love for the game of poker. Or was it about not being a quitter, and how awful I'd feel getting so close over the course of a year just to come up short?

I've been running terribly and, combined with equally terribly bankroll management, I'm down to $1500. My mom let me borrow 2K, but of course when I go to cash it they will not let me because, even though I am tied onto my mom's account, the signature on the check does not "match" the one in their system, and since I don't have ID (at least not what they'll accept) I am SOL.

The rage seething from me inside the bank was palpable, no doubt.

I am killing myself playing 8 hours a day of poker -- admitedly not the worst gig in the world, as I do love it, but it's a high-stress job when you're at risk of going broke -- because I can't afford to responsibly play higher limits without risking busto, and now I can't even get the 2K I need? That would allow me to only need to play, say, six hours a day these last five days of the month.

As a result I must now turn to meth to get me through these long days. It's the farthest thing from optimal, and there's a good chance I go crazy before the year is out. I've got the house all to myself, meth to play with, and money to gamble.

The irony of it all is that now I DEFINITELY don't care about going broke. I have nothing to lose anymore.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

More of a reply to the PM CH sent me, but I'd like to publicly thank you here. You're an awesome, kind person and just having someone reach out to me today made me feel so much better, thank you .

-Seith

No problem! See you around.

It's no longer if, but when.

I've done meth twice in the past week for the first time since summer. With most drugs I abuse the hell out of them, regularly doing them weekly or multi-weekly, but not meth. I respect it too much, and the comedown too harsh.

Now? I don't care anymore. The only thing I cared about was getting SuperNova on Stars, presumably out of some intense love for the game of poker. Or was it about not being a quitter, and how awful I'd feel getting so close over the course of a year just to come up short?

I've been running terribly and, combined with equally terribly bankroll management, I'm down to $1500. My mom let me borrow 2K, but of course when I go to cash it they will not let me because, even though I am tied onto my mom's account, the signature on the check does not "match" the one in their system, and since I don't have ID (at least not what they'll accept) I am SOL.

The rage seething from me inside the bank was palpable, no doubt.

I am killing myself playing 8 hours a day of poker -- admitedly not the worst gig in the world, as I do love it, but it's a high-stress job when you're at risk of going broke -- because I can't afford to responsibly play higher limits without risking busto, and now I can't even get the 2K I need? That would allow me to only need to play, say, six hours a day these last five days of the month.

As a result I must now turn to meth to get me through these long days. It's the farthest thing from optimal, and there's a good chance I go crazy before the year is out. I've got the house all to myself, meth to play with, and money to gamble.

The irony of it all is that now I DEFINITELY don't care about going broke. I have nothing to lose anymore.

Maybe you should find a steady job where you aren't going to risk going broke?