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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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I've always been the apple that rolled way down the hill in my family PIP: brother perfect SATs and full ride to harvard where he was top of class for undergrad and the same for his PHD. My father same story substitute yale for harvard, but harvard for PHD - top of class again. Mother same deal cept oxford - then they met at harvard.

I've been an opiate addict for 8 years. It's only recently (this past year) I've found someone who loves me with all my mistakes and imperfections. This is one of the reasons I think and act how I do now - my determination to make my life be MY LIFE , not what my family , what society , or any other influence sways it to be. It is in this that I have found peace. Ultimately, support, love, these are my anti drug for suicide. Keeping clean has been the best thing for me and I am incredibly structured with my work (which might seem like a joke to some, but trust me wake up at 3:30 am just to eat 8 oz of chicken breast and take a shot of insulin for 4 months .... it starts to get very frustrating just to compete - to be able to stand for what I do, personal training).

I just wish all of you out there the best of luck, I have been very low, I've been very high with manic episodes. Being stable has been incredible blessing as of late and I am making the absolute most of it.

Take care all.
 
Hey guys. I am about 2 months removed from a stint in the psyche ward for trying to commit suicide for the second time, the first time no actions were taken by those who knew and I was just left to stew until everything boiled over again.
So I was in the hospital for 8 days and then in a partial hospitalization program for a month. After that time I got assigned a therapist from a different hospital, but this new program is so incredibly lame and irrelevant to me. I don't like my current therapist and blow off my appointments with her. I decided to drop out of school for medical reasons, but I lie to all my friends and tell them I am still going, and they don't know that I was just in the hospital.
I decided to try and work as much as I can to keep myself out of trouble and get some money coming in. I'm doing pretty well with my two part time jobs, but I am still extremely unfulfilled and unhappy.

I used to want to be a great musician, now I just want to love and to be loved by a beautiful girl and be completely honest with her, and be the best man I can be with her. I haven't found anyone yet.

Somtimes at nights it feels like my mind is tearing itself apart in a tornado of negativity and nostalgia.
 
well i know love comes from the most unexpected places, and if you worry and are looking, its easy to be looking in the wrong places, instead of waiting towards the right time.

just keep doing what you do, build your integrity, open your heart, and dont expect anything; accept.
 
I don't know why but that last sentence that you wrote just touched me.
Thank you.
I see that you struggle as well. I firmly believe that we all have the capacity to commit great changes for the better in this world, even if they were at one time a huge mess of a junkie or otherwise broken soul.
I am really honestly so very lonely. I have absolutely zero friends who are reliable "hey I'm having a breakdown and would love some good company" type friends, or even just "hey I like the conversations we have and I'm feeling great today" type friends. Cue aformentioned tornado.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Rolling, Have you been officially prescribed anything for the pain?
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No, I have not. My doctors keep trying to shirk the responsibility off on eachother and/or saying that I need more neurological tests done to make sure they wont damage everything. I'm getting sick of being fed bullshit lines from ym doctors as to why they wont prescribe me things to improve my quality of life.

Captain.Heroin said:
Is life not on opiates impossible due to your pain at this time?
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No, I refuse to believe things are impossible. The moment I give up hope, i'm done. I'll teeter on the razors edge as long as I can keep hope going. Life is incredibly difficult and painful, but I still attend to my responsibilities.
 
RollinOnACoaster said:
No, I have not. My doctors keep trying to shirk the responsibility off on eachother and/or saying that I need more neurological tests done to make sure they wont damage everything. I'm getting sick of being fed bullshit lines from ym doctors as to why they wont prescribe me things to improve my quality of life.
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Man that is really frustrating and I'm so sorry to hear this. Have you got any further appointments booked to see a doctor? I really sincerely hope you come to a good conclusion with your diagnosis very soon. Please hang in there <3
 
RollinOnACoaster said:
No, I refuse to believe things are impossible. The moment I give up hope, i'm done. I'll teeter on the razors edge as long as I can keep hope going. Life is incredibly difficult and painful, but I still attend to my responsibilities.
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I am really sorry for the predicament you are in.

If the doctors are refusing to do their jobs, go to another doctor. Find new ones. Ask around, there are plenty of medical patients who have opinions about the doctors they have visited. A lot of doctors either treat their patients well or they don't, and it doesn't take a drug user to figure out which doctor is treating all of their patients like shit.

I know that this is an incredibly difficult process to find the right doctor, and it can take a lot more time and energy and effort than you can ever really realize at any one point before you get there and have done it, but I wish you the best of luck dealing with this.
 
My doctor asks me straight up everytime I go see her if I am homicidal or suicidal or have been.

she's the only person i trust with it.

it took years to form that bond - tough to think about when life is saying "no" right now for you guys n ladies hurting currently, but it is certainly worth the wait.
 
My b/f has failed to contact me again, this is after a giant row with my family today which was seriouly damaging. He always abandons me emotionally, when I need him...at least I got a chance to scream at him earlier for all the bullshit he's manipulated me with.
The thought of being alone with myself terrifies me, im not terribly balanced at the mo.
Just thinking of an escape gives me some kind of release...its only thoughts.
I feel so old and useless, really am frightened about where to go.
Hes the closest ive been to anyone for years and years, im a disaster at forming bonds with anyone, to be honest Ive not much of anything left in me any more. Feel dead on the inside.
 
Asclepius said:
My b/f has failed to contact me again, this is after a giant row with my family today which was seriouly damaging. He always abandons me emotionally, when I need him...at least I got a chance to scream at him earlier for all the bullshit he's manipulated me with.
The thought of being alone with myself terrifies me, im not terribly balanced at the mo.
Just thinking of an escape gives me some kind of release...its only thoughts.
I feel so old and useless, really am frightened about where to go.
Hes the closest ive been to anyone for years and years, im a disaster at forming bonds with anyone, to be honest Ive not much of anything left in me any more. Feel dead on the inside.
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Why do you think you are a disaster at forming bonds with anyone? Can you describe that in greater detail?

A lot of people have feelings, thoughts, and realizations based on these sorts of things. Don't feel bad about it, just do what you can to work on building meaningful connections with people. Take it one step at a time. :)

I am sorry to hear your boyfriend has abandoned you at such an important time.
 
Thanks CH :)
I really do stand behind a pane of glass when it comes to people in real life. Im too sensitive and too intense, really am! I can act fine and sensible but really im not and I cant change it, I can only adjust my behaviour. I manage but I really feel like im on my own, have for years, and I think everyone is but Im really aware of it all the time, probably too much.
I cant get close to anyone or I feel Im being annihalated. Im ok though as long as Im angry I wont implode.
Me and my b/f are just company for each other...just too lonely people, fucked up and trying to keep warm from the world. The thing is he is completely self-focused, he has NO insight into feelings(only anger). ATM I need to have my feelings mirrored back/empathised with or not, am tired of having them swept under the carpet by him, he doesnt talk about them AT ALL and I feel like im turning into my worst fear -Marge fkn Simpson! Im not right for him, he just knows Im loyal to him and is dependent on that and wont let me go. I like havin him in my life but feel very stuck, he is using me to replace his feelings instead of examining his own, I think. Im always as honest as I can be with him but he wont go that extra bit with me, why be so fukin afraid of it with me when Ive nothing to hide. He said he thinks im stronger than him, he just wont empathise...im only a female in his eyes and not a person the same as him.
I am really confused about it.
 
So I have tried to kill myself several times and failed. It seems that I am building a bigger wall around me. I took some of the advice that was given to me here. I went to the hospital explained everything so they baker acted me. On my third day I never got evaluated and was released from hospital. No meds or anything. So because of my failed attempts at suicide I now have a rage building inside me. I feel that the first person to cross my path, I am going to kill them. The violent thoughts are increasingly growing I have tried to hurt ppl but something gets in the way. IDK where to find help. I feel that something may happen soon if I dont get myself under-control. HELP.
 
I have a rage building inside me too after reading that! You have every right to be angry but use it wisely.
So sorry that this happened to you. I have experience of getting rubbish help/misdiagnosis/not diagnosed/misunderstood. It can be severly lonely, confusing and isolating when you dont recieve the outside help you need. Like you to type more about whats going on in you ATM? Dont think your validating yourself for yourself and its making you more angry...this can be worse thn having anyone neglect your needs, neglecting your own/not understanding your own hurts to the core!
 
I also get homicidal primarily when I become suicidal also - the "fuck it" mentality combined with a violent streak is a wicked thing to deal with. Wish you the best man, I honestly can only say that it WILL pass - it took me damn near a month last time i got real low. But honestly I had not seen a point of living and had OD'd 4x before that anyway , I'm very grateful to now be alive.
 
I could not reason upon or explain the faith that gives me courage and patience to give up life, and cheerfully wait for death. Like a confiding child, I ask no questions, but left everything to God and nature, Father and Mother of us all, feeling sure that they, and they only, could teach and strengthen heart and spirit for this life and the life to come. My end has come. Thanks for all the help.
 
ratardarse, I don't believe this is the end for you yet. Whatever your problems are you can work them out, and we're all here to help you. Please check your PMs, I hope to hear back from you soon <3
 
Asclepius said:
Thanks CH :)
I really do stand behind a pane of glass when it comes to people in real life. Im too sensitive and too intense, really am! I can act fine and sensible but really im not and I cant change it, I can only adjust my behaviour. I manage but I really feel like im on my own, have for years, and I think everyone is but Im really aware of it all the time, probably too much.
I cant get close to anyone or I feel Im being annihalated. Im ok though as long as Im angry I wont implode.
Me and my b/f are just company for each other...just too lonely people, fucked up and trying to keep warm from the world. The thing is he is completely self-focused, he has NO insight into feelings(only anger). ATM I need to have my feelings mirrored back/empathised with or not, am tired of having them swept under the carpet by him, he doesnt talk about them AT ALL and I feel like im turning into my worst fear -Marge fkn Simpson! Im not right for him, he just knows Im loyal to him and is dependent on that and wont let me go. I like havin him in my life but feel very stuck, he is using me to replace his feelings instead of examining his own, I think. Im always as honest as I can be with him but he wont go that extra bit with me, why be so fukin afraid of it with me when Ive nothing to hide. He said he thinks im stronger than him, he just wont empathise...im only a female in his eyes and not a person the same as him.
I am really confused about it.
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You need a boyfriend with more emotions than just anger.

I wish you both the best though!
 
retardarse said:
So I have tried to kill myself several times and failed. It seems that I am building a bigger wall around me. I took some of the advice that was given to me here. I went to the hospital explained everything so they baker acted me. On my third day I never got evaluated and was released from hospital. No meds or anything. So because of my failed attempts at suicide I now have a rage building inside me. I feel that the first person to cross my path, I am going to kill them. The violent thoughts are increasingly growing I have tried to hurt ppl but something gets in the way. IDK where to find help. I feel that something may happen soon if I dont get myself under-control. HELP.
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Instead of going to a hospital, I would go to a psychiatrist, and explain to them you are frustrated because you are depressed/anxious. They are more likely to give you medication.

I don't think that going away for a few days helped you because it just made you angry (which I think is a common experience for people who have undergone this).

Nonetheless - I hope that you feel better soon. The world is full of people, many of them aren't all that awesome, but that doesn't mean you can't find some caring ones who will help you out. Never stop trying!
 
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