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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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thanks for the kind words guys, this has been a very hard couple of days. Last night i went to bed around 7am and but after 62 hours of no sleep i slept till like 4pm. It felt amazing to finally rest.

I've been happy today for a lot of the day , nights are toughest or sure ,but ive got so many people who have shown they care that im around i feel very very fortunate. I really am having trouble dealing with the freshness now of the memories i repressed, after 15 years i dug up my backyard where i used to bury underwear/swimtrunks n shit that would (note graphic) have semen n blood on them. But there was literally almost nothin but what looked like few scraps left everything had degraded over the years. It made me realize that im not doin that anymore, i dont have to hide it from my parents how i did back then (at obv extreme measures) and that PEOPLE DO CARE. I can be honest about it to those who love me.

you guyys have no idea how much some of you mean to me, i really am so grateful. It hurts badly but with it I finally feel true love.
 
theartofwar said:
thanks for the kind words guys, this has been a very hard couple of days. Last night i went to bed around 7am and but after 62 hours of no sleep i slept till like 4pm. It felt amazing to finally rest.

I've been happy today for a lot of the day , nights are toughest or sure ,but ive got so many people who have shown they care that im around i feel very very fortunate. I really am having trouble dealing with the freshness now of the memories i repressed, after 15 years i dug up my backyard where i used to bury underwear/swimtrunks n shit that would (note graphic) have semen n blood on them. But there was literally almost nothin but what looked like few scraps left everything had degraded over the years. It made me realize that im not doin that anymore, i dont have to hide it from my parents how i did back then (at obv extreme measures) and that PEOPLE DO CARE. I can be honest about it to those who love me.

you guyys have no idea how much some of you mean to me, i really am so grateful. It hurts badly but with it I finally feel true love.
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Wow - I'm pretty new to this thread, and I didn't realize what had happened to you until reading the last couple of posts. I've never experienced that kind of abuse - thanks god - although I have certainly experienced truama of an extremely humiliating and demeaning nature.

I have a close friend who went through what you went through - and despite the fact that I knew her since we were 14 years old - she only admitted it to me (to anyone) when she was 40- having carried it inside for about 30 years.

I can only say to you what I said to her (and which I am sure thatyou have heard before) and that is that you have *nothing* to feel guilty about at all. You were taken advantage of as a child, by a person in a position of power. Even if you *had* enjoyed any part of it (and my friend admitted to me that she had - which was probably *the* reason that she could not admit it for so long) you still have no reason to feel responsible, as you were led wherever you were taken, but someone who had the power and knowhow to make you feel any way they wanted you to feel.

Everyone has their own way of dealing wiht this kind of thng - some need to revisit and remember it - others not - but however you process it - once you have then please just try to let it go. You cannot change the past - and you are guilty of nothing. It does not need to be a part of your current and future life. Nothing can change the past - only how you feel about it - and from what I have seen in her you have a lot of people that care about you. Believe in yourself - because it is clear that others believe in you.

TMP
 
^ thx buddy,

how do you guys manage to cope with this day in day out? No matter where i go, no matter what I do, keep on gettin mssivelt triggered amd its all i can think bout.

I keo on pukin now man , my stres levels are out of control and I am trying but wtf man thi s is so pointless.
 
theartofwar said:
^ thx buddy,

how do you guys manage to cope with this day in day out? No matter where i go, no matter what I do, keep on gettin mssivelt triggered amd its all i can think bout.

I keo on pukin now man , my stres levels are out of control and I am trying but wtf man thi s is so pointless.
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I allow myself to feel positive about my life and myself, even if I don't always feel that way.

When I feel overwhelmed, I use music (ambient, noise, metal) to modulate my focus.

TMP has a lot of wisdom too, I am interested to hear his response to your above question. :)
 
Suicide... NEW SOUL instead

Hi guys.. I am just gonna be straight up about things.. I attempted suicide a while back.. I was bleeding bad when a maid saw me and call the cops... I am telling you, its not the answer.

What is the answer is this. After giving up on life and every attempt on figuring out what was wrong, nothing could help... I decided to ask God for a new soul... saying, this one is broken beyond repair, bunk! So I read the new testament in secret, nobody around, no church... no money.. just me.. reading and talking out loud. I asked for the Holy Spirit, the Living Water.. and told God i wanted heaven within, all these were written in there... nothing happened for a few weeks. I was literally asking for A NEW SOUL, the HOLY SPIRIT, HEAVEN within or take me please... the Living Water God.. in Jesus name.. while reading diligently.. THREE weeks later i got up and I felt like I was ROLLING HARD. NOT JUST rolling, but WAY better than any drug I had ever done... in fact, I thought a friend who had spent the night had drugged me.. i was positive. HE HAD NOT.. 12 years later, this FEELING HAS grown within.... MASS Love... FROM GOD... and visions of Jesus, heaven, angels, hell and the dark side too..have all been shown to me. MY TEARS turned into what I can only call... white sweet bread... manna bread.. etc.

GOD showed me a lot more.. but I do not wanna tell you all about them as to not have anyone make fun, call me names, etc. FORGET CHURCH.. but also, FORGET WHAT YOU think you know about the NEW Testament and Jesus Christ and God.

IF ANYONE asks for the HOLY SPIRIT in Jesus name AND THEY read it all, the NEW TESTAMENT.. its only 200 pages... I GUARENTEE YOU.. GOD will come through and FILL you with a new Spirit, the HOLY SPIRIT which is SOOooooooo amazing I cannot begin to describe it.

I hope you consider this... this is the reason we are here.. this is why MOST EVERYONE on earth... feels a bit empty and cannot fully satisfy themselves no matter what they try, even the SANE people who have careers, etc. .are LACKING and are JUST as lost if not MORE lost than those who admit to have problems.

JESUS said... IF ONE does not HATE their life.. they cannot be disciples of HIS.
Contact me for more info:
[it's not a good idea to give out your personal contact info in a public forum - n3o]

John 7:38 - “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living
water will flow from within him."

LUKE 12:2 - "… and all that is secret will be made known."

John 8:31 - “IF you ABIDE in my word, you are TRULY my disciples.”

Luke 11:13 – “...how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
 
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what kind of god creates an ant farm with shitty ants that hurt each other and self destruct destroying their environment? Brilliant.
 
valis I'm really glad for you that you've found happiness and security in your new beliefs, but please do not use this forum as a platform for you to push your beliefs on to others. Thanks.
 
valis a PM would've been acceptable . I don't need you emailing me your zealous bullshit, keep your oral tradition out of my world. fucks sake.
 
so I'm thinkin I'm not gonna last much longer. Dad would probably off himself if he knew I did, so I'd have to just tell him I left town. Was thinking just down the booze and take the pills deep out in the woods, but why not hit the road one last time, see how far I get, burn my IDs go somewhere I probably won't be found n do then deed after seeing some things.


in general, fml


my life has just been total shit since I got that tumor and my ex dumped me to go fuck a few different guys over the summer while I had to go through all the testing and biopsy's and surgery alone, THEN she took me back after all that, but was still abusive. Finally couldn't take it anymore and left her for the biggest mistake of my life, a cheating fucking whore who probably aborted either mine or my 'best friends' kid after she cheated on me with him. Schools gone to shit since all this started. My school medical insurance doesn't cover dick, I owe thousands in med bills, over 20k in school loans, my dad has been opening accounts with my info and destroying my credit even further.

fuck it

I'm goin to home depot to buy a pack of razor blades, that'll make me feel better for a while
 
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^ Have you considered chapter 11 bankruptcy to clear your bills? It's not so bad starting over, you know. They make it seem like it's the end of the world--'bankruptcy'. It's just a fresh start with your debts though, really. To be honest, I've come a long way since my last bout of depression a few days ago. I was standing on the roof of a 5 story building, looking down ready to dive off head-first. After a little while, I figured it's not the end--not yet anyway. I'm tired of living the way I do, but I guess it's better than not living at all.

Life is.. unpredictable... Accidents & homicides happen everyday, and you could very easily be caught in the middle of one. You never know when life will take YOU, so IMO it's one more reason to stick around. We're all going to die eventually, just at different times. I have had some close calls with death myself, so I figure it's best to just enjoy life as much as possible while it's still here in front of you, because any minute, any second, it could all be taken away, in just the blink of an eye.

That really sucks about your girl, maybe if you can move away and move on, better things will happen. The hardest part about ex's is living in the same town with them, seeing them.

I wish you luck man, and hope for the best. The best thing about hitting the bottom is that it can't really get any worse.
 
Dragynfyr said:
so I'm thinkin I'm not gonna last much longer. Dad would probably off himself if he knew I did, so I'd have to just tell him I left town. Was thinking just down the booze and take the pills deep out in the woods, but why not hit the road one last time, see how far I get, burn my IDs go somewhere I probably won't be found n do then deed after seeing some things.


in general, fml


my life has just been total shit since I got that tumor and my ex dumped me to go fuck a few different guys over the summer while I had to go through all the testing and biopsy's and surgery alone, THEN she took me back after all that, but was still abusive. Finally couldn't take it anymore and left her for the biggest mistake of my life, a cheating fucking whore who probably aborted either mine or my 'best friends' kid after she cheated on me with him. Schools gone to shit since all this started. My school medical insurance doesn't cover dick, I owe thousands in med bills, over 20k in school loans, my dad has been opening accounts with my info and destroying my credit even further.

fuck it

I'm goin to home depot to buy a pack of razor blades, that'll make me feel better for a while
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I am so sorry to hear that some woman used you like that. To be honest, she will have a lot of negative karma in life to deal with because of that.

Also, don't worry about being in debt. As Severely_Etarded pointed out, you can declare bankruptcy. I know people who have declared bankruptcy at least 3-4 times over by now, and they're STILL doing it again! Yeah, I wish I could be making this up, but I'm not.

You get to start over with a clean record. Why not do that? :)
 
this has started as a problem and become an obsession, my therapist notified my parents while I was out that I was a severe risk, what the fuck. Shit just keeps piling up, you try to do what you are recommend - talk it out - i started talking and wham instantly within a week theirs a phone call. Sorry boss i've been makin it for 15 years, you think that I'm gonna off myself cuz you have a phd... fuck yourself and fuck this bullshit, my friends are best therapy i can hope for . fucking bullshit im gonna fuckin flip my shit if i dont get some peace.
 
theartofwar said:
this has started as a problem and become an obsession, my therapist notified my parents while I was out that I was a severe risk, what the fuck. Shit just keeps piling up, you try to do what you are recommend - talk it out - i started talking and wham instantly within a week theirs a phone call. Sorry boss i've been makin it for 15 years, you think that I'm gonna off myself cuz you have a phd... fuck yourself and fuck this bullshit, my friends are best therapy i can hope for . fucking bullshit im gonna fuckin flip my shit if i dont get some peace.
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Your parents already know about your problems, so it's not like your therapist told something to your parents that they already didn't know, am I right?

I would still be pissed too if I were you, therapists shouldn't share that info. People don't want their business spread around town. If I wanted to tell my parents I had such an issue I would just do it myself.

What's the point of sharing things with a therapist if they're just going to go tell everyone else anyways? If I wanted everyone to know my business, I would just drunk'n'dial until everyone on my contacts list had been called, repeatedly. The point of going to a therapist is to work on your personal issues 1 on 1.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Your parents already know about your problems, so it's not like your therapist told something to your parents that they already didn't know, am I right?

I would still be pissed too if I were you, therapists shouldn't share that info. People don't want their business spread around town. If I wanted to tell my parents I had such an issue I would just do it myself.

What's the point of sharing things with a therapist if they're just going to go tell everyone else anyways? If I wanted everyone to know my business, I would just drunk'n'dial until everyone on my contacts list had been called, repeatedly. The point of going to a therapist is to work on your personal issues 1 on 1.
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Thank you - fucking exactly my point.

My parents know the duration and that it happened , they do not know the details / amonut of times etc. And they were concerned but had NO clue I was straight out suicidal and this dude blew my lid off.

I've lived for 15 years as a golden globe actor making sure that people see what I want them too, now this chump has gone and blown that full out of the water. Whatever, I'm just lucky i have a girl who cares for me, I was cocked n locked this morning it was ugly - 2 hours of sleep in last 62 - I even told one of my closest friends on here it was time. Then she got on msn msg'd me , my pug walks in the room. I couldn't do it to them. I feel like a fucking asshole, soooo... square fuckin one. drugs prolly fuck if i know at this point.
 
^^ Dragnfyr I hope you find it within yourself to change your mind about this. I PMd you and really hope to hear back from you soon. Come back to us man, all of these adversities in your life can and will change. Please stick around <3
 
Dragynfyr said:
why put off till tomorrow what you can do today


happy holidays

bye
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Why don't you talk to someone on Bluelight who you trust? I am sure that eventually you will see that your life is still worth living, no matter what has happened to you.

theartofwar said:
Thank you - fucking exactly my point.

My parents know the duration and that it happened , they do not know the details / amonut of times etc. And they were concerned but had NO clue I was straight out suicidal and this dude blew my lid off.

I've lived for 15 years as a golden globe actor making sure that people see what I want them too, now this chump has gone and blown that full out of the water. Whatever, I'm just lucky i have a girl who cares for me, I was cocked n locked this morning it was ugly - 2 hours of sleep in last 62 - I even told one of my closest friends on here it was time. Then she got on msn msg'd me , my pug walks in the room. I couldn't do it to them. I feel like a fucking asshole, soooo... square fuckin one. drugs prolly fuck if i know at this point.
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Don't feel bad that your parents know about this though man. Life will go on for you, and it will continue to get better. I can understand how angry/frustrated you must feel, but try to focus on the amount of love you have for your girl, your dog, your family, and yourself, even if you may not feel it at times.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Why don't you talk to someone on Bluelight who you trust? I am sure that eventually you will see that your life is still worth living, no matter what has happened to you.



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because I don't trust anyone on bluelight

i don't even trust the people I know irl

there's nothing to discuss here, I'm packing

going for a trip

that's about enough of this self loathing bullshit, sorry for the waste of space.

Stay Safe
~peace
 
It's not a waste of space at all Dragnfyr, this is exactly what this thread is here for <3
I have meant every single word I've said to you in our PM exchanges. Just wait until tomorrow to reassess the situation.
You will ALWAYS feel better, but you can't un-do suicide. Once it's done, that's it, no more chances to ever feel happy. But if you stick around you can continue to work on your happiness, which will come to you again.
Please reconsider <3
 
Dragonfyr , i have been extremely suicidal for 3 weeks now. This is not the first stint either - multiple times ove the last 15 years. But people here love me, that love alone keeps me grounded to TRY i wont quit on them, these are both my friends and the closest person to me, i love them. I will not give in. Please give the people here a chance, they have changed my life, and I still think about kililng myself all the time, but in time they will go away. Just so much hurt right now.
 
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