Finally off sub after 7 long years
It's been a while since I've been on bluelight for a few reasons, but this site has helped me tremendously through the years and I was more active in the early days of the first few sub mega threads. Just wanted to pop in for an update because I was stuck on sub for many years more than I needed to be, complacency and fear of withdrawals kept me captive for far too long.
Started on the stupid high dose of 16mg in 2007 after a modest dope/oxy habit and IV use was caught in infancy. Got on sub, tested limits the first year with high dose OC and dope once or twice, realized it wasn't worth the waste of money and continued with sub as directed. Did blow for 9 months til I got my last strike with my BF. 7 years on sub, 6 years clean of illicit substances. Had my first kid in 2012 and she escaped withdrawal, but my son didn't. He was kept for 2 weeks in NICU with scores borderline and I asked them to not medicate unless the scores were more consistently over the line because it didn't seem necessary.
About a year ago I realized I was living in a fog for so long on sub and never even realized it. I'm not here to preach either way, btw, I was content on it for several years and think certain people should continue to stay on indefinitely. I'm just not one of them. Whenever I told my doc of my intent to quit he would peer at me and say, "Huh, well you should probably wait til spring." and send me on my way with the usual 16mg/day Rx, leaving me to my own devices. My sweet spot was always 4-6mg/day but I couldn't seem to get any lower than that on my own. Early this year I told my doctor to give me my last Rx ever and I would taper with that on my own.
The hardest part was using the hi tech brand subutex for taper, because they are impossibly tiny and difficult to divide lower than 2mg since any less is basically dust. I handed it over to my boyfriend who kept it in his safe and doled out my daily dose for a few months. The last 2 months we just made sure that each crumb was equal to or smaller than the previous days crumb.
Comfort meds I had were clonidine .2mg X 120, valium 5mg x (? a shit load), ativan, and the doc threw in tramadol, up to 5 a day for 4-5 weeks. Other regular med is adderall, 80mgIR + 30mg XR (10 years of tolerance + 2 years of stupid high dose abuse = current 110mg daily dose. Don't go there, I already know. One battle at a time.)
My last dose was on August 8th, approx .5-.75mg. The first week was largely mental, waiting for the bomb to drop and feeling sorry for myself. Second week I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought, maybe. 3rd week, meh, dysphoric and blah but ok.
Week 4, few days before I had tapered off the tramadol for good, I was hit like a ton of bricks one evening. In the backyard playing with my kids, and out of nowhere I was rendered completely useless. Any trace of energy was sapped from my body, and that night was the first of restless legs and arms like I've never experienced before. For the next 10 days I was totally miserable, taking loads of valium, clon, flexeril, vodka, etc at night to try to knock myself out but nothing could overpower the maggots under my skin. The only thing that provided temporary relief was while I lay in a steaming hot bath. Even then I had ice cold bones. I don't want to see our utility bill because I think I averaged 4-5 hot as possible baths every night for 10 days straight.
Depleted, defeated, burnt out, and at the point where too many people go back on sub or relapse otherwise, I saw my doc and got gabapentin. I don't know if it's coincidence or the meds because I only take 100mg gaba during the day which is nothing, and 200mg at night which is still nothing, and I've been sleeping like a baby for the past week (with <5mg valium & .1 clonidine).
I finally feel like I am inching closer to "the other side" of this and seeing the light. Piper, take your payment and fuck off.
I'm not naive and know PAWS has plenty of time to kick my ass but I am just proud to have finally taken this leap. Yeah, 2-3 weeks were pretty nasty and felt like an eternity, but it passed. I'm excited to live life with feelings again, the good, bad, and ugly, I'll take it compared to the steady "meh" I felt on sub (I thought I was just really really good at dealing with everything...wrong).
I just wanted to share my experience and that I am finally off and not looking back. I'm very grateful for Bluelight, it's been an indispensable resource for me many times. Now that I'm far out from my days of using, partying, crashing, and maintaining, I don't post much anymore, but will fade back into lurkdom and keep moving forward.
Much love to BL and all of the mods especially, you're amazing! Captain, you're a huge influence and help more people than you'll ever know. Mr Scag, tricomb, cane2theleft, tommyboy, genericmind, ebola, hammilton... and anyone else selflessly spreading truth & harm reduction.
