Ok I'm 18 years old and about 150lbs, my family friend happens to be a sub doc (my mom is an ex H addict and met him at an NA meeting, he did opiates as well) and i naturally went to see him when i got caught doing Heroin and my mom wanted to get me off the stuff.
The intention wasn't specifically to get on maintenance but more to just see what the best route would be for my WD's. Anyway, although i wasn't really even withdrawing that bad since I really hadn't been able to use much in the weeks prior (no $) and had pretty much inadvertantly put myself through a rapid sub taper (went from 4 to .5mg in two weeks) by scrounging pills off of my brother (who is also on sub maintenance), I still got put on 8mg of subs. I agreed to this because obviously I was a complete fiend at this point and had barely been using anything in the two weeks prior which made me desire something even MORE. I wasn't even very clear about how much i was using but i said that i was taking like 200mg of morphine with about .1-.2 of tar (smoked) daily. Although this was true to some extent, i definitely had not been using nearly that much for about a month before that, tbh i doubt i would've had that bad of WD's if i wasn't put on subs.
So when i got the script, i was extremely excited and proceeded to get high off of what i could, which happened to only be 4mg, the doc was very liberal in his dosing regimen and just said to have my mom somewhat monitor me, but to just see what "held" me between 2-8mg, and if that didn't do it, he said i could even take 12-16mg, but only if i was REALLY sick. So of course my tolerance immediately skyrocketed and i went back saying i needed 8mg, this faded after another month and I said i now needed to go up to 16mg.
Now I know that sounds pretty ridiculous on the doctors part, but he really is a good friend of my family and he was an addict himself and has been very kind with his non judgmental and understanding attitude towards me, he has told much of his story and taken extra time during appointments to just see how my life is going and helped get me into recovery programs. He also seems very knowledgeable on subs and knows about Reckitt's lies about how naloxone is actually effective at preventing abuse and there whole thing about child proof packaging being an "absolute NECESSITY," because of this he prescribed me the generic subutex and even takes out time to help me find pharmacies that have it for the cheapest price in my area. PLUS for the first like 3-4 visits he didn't even charge us since he understood the shit we were going through.
Still though, now that i have stabilized on my dose, and have gathered information about what other doses are typically prescribed, I find it incredible that I'm so young/ and never have been severely addicted to a substance (tolerance wasn't very high/never IV'd), yet am on a whopping 16mg. I have kind of asked him about this and he says that regardless of all that, just the fact that i'm taking subs and not illicit narcotics is all that matters, and if 16mg is what it takes to do that then so be it. I understand this point, but still think the same could be accomplished with 8mg, and now feel incredibly guilty/ashamed that i am on 16mg, that also is what contributed to me leaving my 12 step program since it alienated so many people from me and i had to take alot of shit for it (although I must say the closest friends in the group were incredibly understanding/helpful about it so I'm not here to talk shit about 12 step programs, the point I'm making is more to say that it makes it harder for me to be immersed in them because of this).
SO anyway i have talked to some people in my life about this (including multiple other doctors) and although they say they personally wouldn't have started me on that dose, that it's fine that I'm on it now and that since it's successful in keeping me off full agonist opiates (ive been clean from every other drug but bupe for 7 months now) that I shouldn't be at all ashamed of it and the biggest problem will be for tapering (they all said I should maintain on this dose for at least a year) but I should focus on my accomplishments in the present for now.
I still feel pretty shitty about this though
and I'm not sure if I immediately should taper before it gets much harder to do so longer down the road, or if I should listen to the professional opinions given to me even though I cannot bring myself to agree with them.
Obviously I will take into account alot of things when making decisions about this, but I still wanted to hear your guys's thoughts since I have come to respect many of the people on this sites forums.
Thanks for reading all that I know its alot and thanks so much for any responses in advance.
