Long message below, but I really need some input and help on this one. Please, any caring users, ex-users, or whoever...give me some advice. I'm about at a breaking point with my sub program and I'm only 6 days in.
I'm really beginning to wish I had never signed up for my Suboxone program. The local program that I'm in required me to instantly quit cold turkey off of a 2mg/day Xanax habit, won't allow any leeway for bud, requires me to meet with a therapist weekly, as well as go to 2 NA meetings per week, and on top of all that, they started me off with a dosage of 8mg 2x per day, which was WAY more than I needed. Yesterday I decided to take matters into my own hands and dropped down to 4mg 2x per day, and today I've only had 4mg and am going to try and stick with this dose for a little while.
The big issue that I'm having is that I REALLY needed my Xanax prescription (it was given out after I withdrew from school due to anxiety, and after an anti-depressant approach made me feel sick and suicidal), and I'm now having daily panic attacks and breaking down to the point where I'm considering suicide a viable option. On top of that, I went to my first NA meeting yesterday, and not only did it not help at all, but it actually made my cravings WORSE. The meeting was totally disorganized, there was only 1 actually sober member in the group, and everyone was chugging down Monsters and coffee, then chain-smoking cigarettes outside, all the while talking about how they were "beating addiction," and giving into the fact that they "were just addicts and couldn't control themselves." The program seems totally self-defeating, nobody really helped me get started, or gave me any literature, or tried to set me up with a sponsor. And worst of all, being around all these junkies and pseudo-junkies just made my cravings for drugs (mostly for my pot and Xanax, as I'm DONE with opiates) that much stronger.
Does this seem normal at all? For a sub doctor to require me to cease my much-needed script of benzos, and to be forced to attend a highly disorganized and self-defeating meeting TWICE a week? Am I just being whiny or does this seem ridiculous? The only relief I've managed to get from my cravings and anxiety has been through occasional use of kava kava extract and phenibut, as well as the occasional cigarette. Now I'm also worried that I might end up trading in my weed smoking habit for a cigarette smoking addiction and be in much worse shape. All in all, I think it was a bad idea to start this program and I really want out as quickly as possible.
I have my next meeting with my therapist on Tuesday of next week and I'm going to express these concerns with her. If she can't budge on the whole NA thing, I'm going to just pretend to go along with it for a few more weeks, taper myself off with all the subs they're giving me, and go back to my old routine of daily weed and occasional Xanax. I honestly think starting this sub program has caused me more harm than my year of opiate addiction ever did. Sure, it's allowing me to save up some money, but at what cost to me? If I end up killing myself during one of my panic attacks, will it really have been worth it? What will it take before doctors like this see what they're doing to people like me?!
