onlywant2nod
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2006
- Messages
- 167
I'm screwed
I'm sitting here, an hour after dosing my suboxone, I'm on 2 8mg pills daily, just a month and almost two weeks ago I jumped off 150mg of methadone due to the "wake up call I got" after realizing the corrupt crap this one counselor I used to see weekly there was causing to me. I was so ticked off that I wanted to scream at her lol.
Anyway long story short, I decided to ct off the 150mg of methadone which of course felt like I wasn't even taking it, it had zero effect on me sadly. So I called my ex suboxone doctor/family doc, who I've known for ages and got me on subs back in 05. I called and told what I did, his nurse got back to me like only 10 mins or less later and said I needed to go into detox immediately.
So I went and toughed out like at least 4 days of wd's, I was then put on 4mg subs 2x daily, then discharged after my week was up and I felt alot better then. Strange however, since I got outta detox, I felt delusional for a few days like normal. After coming home two days later from an outpatient procedure under anesthesia that takes like 20 mins max(I loved that lovely high I get before going under).
Well after coming home after the long drive we do every 6 months. I woke up next day and felt like crap, I thought at first it was because it was 10:30am and I'm used to dosing my subs at 9 am, wrong. I took my 12mg all at once(I was upped to 12mg suboxone daily when discharged). I waited for it to kick in, I got a little ambition but nothing worth laughing or telling about even.
Suddenly I just started feeling this rage like I was ready to kill anyone on or off the road as we were driving that day to do errands. This rage went on for days, until one monday I just snapped when something went wrong. I rushed outside to put the trash out and screamed every profanity I could think of, right in the direction of the "white collar right winged trash scum" neighbors just to the left of our "hive"lol house that I despise. I came in and my Mom said "dont you ever do that again", I said I'll do whatever the F I want F those scum pos next door anyway.
Suddenly lol my Mom came out with my 20mg valium and 2mg xanax and plopped em in front of me and said "there go get blasted high as a kite like you want", I was like hmm ok cool, sadly however 20mg valium and even 2mg xanax doesn't do much for me. WTF is wrong with my body chemistry? I mean even the dumb pharmacist was about to not fill my suboxone script this recent last time after seeing how much benzo's I'm on. I told this foriegn pharmacist that, he is "unaware of my body chemistry and that I'm on the benzo's for ptsd and rage"
He didn't understand anything, and blabbered something I didn't understand and gave me my suboxone anyway. I was glad because I had just been upped 4mg that day after seeing my sub doc, now no more cutting 8mg pills in half because I was now to take 2 8mg pills daily. My suboxone doc is a bit funny, he said "some people get a little buzz off swallowing the saliva and some get a headache and feel better spitting it out after 10mins is up".
I told him, well my body chemistry is odd because I usually just swallow, however yesterday I swallowed both times and for the 1st time in a month I actually felt little depression at all and was alot more ambitious and full of energy than a month ago. Yet I had stopped taking the 200mg of tegretol 2x daily my psych doctor prescribed to me a month ago for depression. I thought, what the heck do I need that for, when opiates are the only thing that really work for depression.
I even had a talk about that with my suboxone doctor a while back, which maybe was a mistake to "let the cat outta the bag", because this time around now that he got me off methadone and on subs again, he also warned me that "just one little slip up and I would go back to my clinic again". I said oh no, I'd rather die than do that etc, he then blurbed the subject a bit by saying(my name), you know I talked to the doctor at "your clinic and if its anyone in this whole state that knows more about methadone than anyone, it would be him". I said, "I dont get what you are getting at", he said"I mean if you dont go to that day outpatient program etc I can kick off the subs just like that".
Strange, I went to the asessment at this day program at this hospital I hated the 1st time I detoxed, there. Just to satisfy my sub doc I went so I could prove I went, but declined the program for financial reasons and the cost of gas etc. I then took the papers with me to my sub docs office and gave them to his nurse to give to him to prove I at least went. I think that was a mistake because, natuarally he's going to keep those papers and know I just went for the asessment but declined if he calls them.
I kind of worry but at this point I dont really care, if he uses that info to hold it over my head later on, now that I'm on a higher dose of subs "he could say either I start going or he'd kick me off". I would have to say well I'm sorry but I cannot afford to go there, especially due to distance everyday and cost of gas etc. If he should use that in the near future to kick me off, back to mmt I go.
What I wonder though, is if I do get sent back to the clinic again, since I have been off methadone for a little while now and on the dose of subs I've been on. Of course I know from the first time I went on mmt off subs, was easy as hell, I was just a little less than 24 hours into wd off subs when they dosed me 30mg. So say I got kicked off like 2 months into being off mmt and back on subs.
What would happen at that point? would I get that lovely buzz from methadone like I did back when I first went from subs to mmt, or would it be same old same old crap? plus worse wd's?, I have no idea what to expect from stuff since I seem to have a strange body chemistry. I just feel like shit today, only thing I can think went wrong is, this morning when I got up and took my sub, I crushed the pill right up in my mouth to salivate good, which by the way works much better because the bioavailability of suboxone is way faster and better while waiting 10mins as you hold your saliva.
Yet this morning I woke up with a bad headache and knew that was maybe because I swallowed saliva both times yesterday so I spit it out, the headache is gone but I now feel like shit, depressed and dieing for a buzz and no ambition whatsoever. Thank God I was able to get done what I did yesterday, because I had the last of anything to packand ship that I sold on pos ebay a week ago. I had to get that shit done, I'm just so friggin sick of this that I just want to get high as a kite right now.
Only thing I can think I did wrong last night and this morning, was, I think stopping the tegretol was crucial, yet like a dummy last night just to test to see if thats whats doing it, I took one 200mg tegretol before I went to bed and this morning I spit out the saliva instead of swallowing it. Well now I know to quit the tegretol crap. I dont understand why the hell my suboxone doc said "suboxone is not for depression or moods the other time I saw him", that's when he requested that I see my psych doctor for "a mood stabilizer".
So I saw my psych doctor who has known me since 1998 and even he thought it was strange that suddenly my sub doc is stricter on me than before, he said "only reason I could think maybe that he is that way is because the dea is getting stricter on doctors in regards to opiates" or he had a bad talk with your doctor at the mmt clinic or something. My psych doc then looked way back at my 2 inch thick records into way back when I first started seeing him and when he mentioned trying tegretol, I said "I thought I already tried that", he said no, we were going to but you decided to try something else.
Soooo, he first off gave me titrating directions on how to get myself up to 3 200mg tegretol daily, well once I reached that dose, I was really zombied out and had bad headaches everyday, that's when I called him and he told me to go down to 2 pills daily until I see him in april. Well now all I can do is hope the pill I took last night will be gone outta my system by tonite and hopefully by tonite when I take my next suboxone I will feel alot better. Damn this whole "hell mess" of only 2 measly maintenance opioid programs in this sorry country just pisses me off.
It pisses me off even more that I'm stuck with having to be "handcuffed to maint opies in the 1st place"

Anyway long story short, I decided to ct off the 150mg of methadone which of course felt like I wasn't even taking it, it had zero effect on me sadly. So I called my ex suboxone doctor/family doc, who I've known for ages and got me on subs back in 05. I called and told what I did, his nurse got back to me like only 10 mins or less later and said I needed to go into detox immediately.
So I went and toughed out like at least 4 days of wd's, I was then put on 4mg subs 2x daily, then discharged after my week was up and I felt alot better then. Strange however, since I got outta detox, I felt delusional for a few days like normal. After coming home two days later from an outpatient procedure under anesthesia that takes like 20 mins max(I loved that lovely high I get before going under).
Well after coming home after the long drive we do every 6 months. I woke up next day and felt like crap, I thought at first it was because it was 10:30am and I'm used to dosing my subs at 9 am, wrong. I took my 12mg all at once(I was upped to 12mg suboxone daily when discharged). I waited for it to kick in, I got a little ambition but nothing worth laughing or telling about even.
Suddenly I just started feeling this rage like I was ready to kill anyone on or off the road as we were driving that day to do errands. This rage went on for days, until one monday I just snapped when something went wrong. I rushed outside to put the trash out and screamed every profanity I could think of, right in the direction of the "white collar right winged trash scum" neighbors just to the left of our "hive"lol house that I despise. I came in and my Mom said "dont you ever do that again", I said I'll do whatever the F I want F those scum pos next door anyway.
Suddenly lol my Mom came out with my 20mg valium and 2mg xanax and plopped em in front of me and said "there go get blasted high as a kite like you want", I was like hmm ok cool, sadly however 20mg valium and even 2mg xanax doesn't do much for me. WTF is wrong with my body chemistry? I mean even the dumb pharmacist was about to not fill my suboxone script this recent last time after seeing how much benzo's I'm on. I told this foriegn pharmacist that, he is "unaware of my body chemistry and that I'm on the benzo's for ptsd and rage"
He didn't understand anything, and blabbered something I didn't understand and gave me my suboxone anyway. I was glad because I had just been upped 4mg that day after seeing my sub doc, now no more cutting 8mg pills in half because I was now to take 2 8mg pills daily. My suboxone doc is a bit funny, he said "some people get a little buzz off swallowing the saliva and some get a headache and feel better spitting it out after 10mins is up".
I told him, well my body chemistry is odd because I usually just swallow, however yesterday I swallowed both times and for the 1st time in a month I actually felt little depression at all and was alot more ambitious and full of energy than a month ago. Yet I had stopped taking the 200mg of tegretol 2x daily my psych doctor prescribed to me a month ago for depression. I thought, what the heck do I need that for, when opiates are the only thing that really work for depression.
I even had a talk about that with my suboxone doctor a while back, which maybe was a mistake to "let the cat outta the bag", because this time around now that he got me off methadone and on subs again, he also warned me that "just one little slip up and I would go back to my clinic again". I said oh no, I'd rather die than do that etc, he then blurbed the subject a bit by saying(my name), you know I talked to the doctor at "your clinic and if its anyone in this whole state that knows more about methadone than anyone, it would be him". I said, "I dont get what you are getting at", he said"I mean if you dont go to that day outpatient program etc I can kick off the subs just like that".
Strange, I went to the asessment at this day program at this hospital I hated the 1st time I detoxed, there. Just to satisfy my sub doc I went so I could prove I went, but declined the program for financial reasons and the cost of gas etc. I then took the papers with me to my sub docs office and gave them to his nurse to give to him to prove I at least went. I think that was a mistake because, natuarally he's going to keep those papers and know I just went for the asessment but declined if he calls them.
I kind of worry but at this point I dont really care, if he uses that info to hold it over my head later on, now that I'm on a higher dose of subs "he could say either I start going or he'd kick me off". I would have to say well I'm sorry but I cannot afford to go there, especially due to distance everyday and cost of gas etc. If he should use that in the near future to kick me off, back to mmt I go.
What I wonder though, is if I do get sent back to the clinic again, since I have been off methadone for a little while now and on the dose of subs I've been on. Of course I know from the first time I went on mmt off subs, was easy as hell, I was just a little less than 24 hours into wd off subs when they dosed me 30mg. So say I got kicked off like 2 months into being off mmt and back on subs.
What would happen at that point? would I get that lovely buzz from methadone like I did back when I first went from subs to mmt, or would it be same old same old crap? plus worse wd's?, I have no idea what to expect from stuff since I seem to have a strange body chemistry. I just feel like shit today, only thing I can think went wrong is, this morning when I got up and took my sub, I crushed the pill right up in my mouth to salivate good, which by the way works much better because the bioavailability of suboxone is way faster and better while waiting 10mins as you hold your saliva.
Yet this morning I woke up with a bad headache and knew that was maybe because I swallowed saliva both times yesterday so I spit it out, the headache is gone but I now feel like shit, depressed and dieing for a buzz and no ambition whatsoever. Thank God I was able to get done what I did yesterday, because I had the last of anything to packand ship that I sold on pos ebay a week ago. I had to get that shit done, I'm just so friggin sick of this that I just want to get high as a kite right now.
Only thing I can think I did wrong last night and this morning, was, I think stopping the tegretol was crucial, yet like a dummy last night just to test to see if thats whats doing it, I took one 200mg tegretol before I went to bed and this morning I spit out the saliva instead of swallowing it. Well now I know to quit the tegretol crap. I dont understand why the hell my suboxone doc said "suboxone is not for depression or moods the other time I saw him", that's when he requested that I see my psych doctor for "a mood stabilizer".
So I saw my psych doctor who has known me since 1998 and even he thought it was strange that suddenly my sub doc is stricter on me than before, he said "only reason I could think maybe that he is that way is because the dea is getting stricter on doctors in regards to opiates" or he had a bad talk with your doctor at the mmt clinic or something. My psych doc then looked way back at my 2 inch thick records into way back when I first started seeing him and when he mentioned trying tegretol, I said "I thought I already tried that", he said no, we were going to but you decided to try something else.
Soooo, he first off gave me titrating directions on how to get myself up to 3 200mg tegretol daily, well once I reached that dose, I was really zombied out and had bad headaches everyday, that's when I called him and he told me to go down to 2 pills daily until I see him in april. Well now all I can do is hope the pill I took last night will be gone outta my system by tonite and hopefully by tonite when I take my next suboxone I will feel alot better. Damn this whole "hell mess" of only 2 measly maintenance opioid programs in this sorry country just pisses me off.
It pisses me off even more that I'm stuck with having to be "handcuffed to maint opies in the 1st place"