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stuck in a long term relationship

The problem might be that she sees the emotions and feelings caused by molly as fickle and fake (and hey, maybe she's right to some extent), so talking about your relationship on drugs is not the answer to her. Good luck OP

Lysis said:
Ugh...that's what I'm in right now, except I told him I was finished...done...sick and tired of him. This was back in February and he still sleeps on my couch. :\ I call him my roommate, which he is, but I want him to leave. I think some people just don't have enough self-worth to let it go and move on.

Some people (in my case and possibly the OP's and yours) don't like to be the bad guy. When you live with someone who you know is totally dependent on you, it's hard saying "you need to leave." For me, the guy is 37 and has no excuse for being the way he is.

The problem with allowing the person to make the decision to leave and not be the bad guy is that the more you let them stick around, the more resentful you become of them.
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Couldn't agree more. I don't think I would allow myself to let that happen again! The fear of that has actually put a lot of additional strain on the long distance relationship I'm in.
I hope you are able to come to a satisfactory conclusion to your "roommate" problem. The pet care is a plus, but how is that affecting any potential new partners you might have come along? Haha

All the best :)
 
Lysis said:
Wow, Cyc. Sorry to hear about that. Being in your 30s, I think you've probably fallen into complacency, which is where a lot of people wind up. I think it's a matter of being in your 30s and being too analytical. At least, that's what I tell myself. In your 20s, you do whatever whim comes to your mind, and you regret some of those actions. In your 30s, you look back and realize the mistakes you've made due to being immature, so you try to correct it by being analytic in situations like this. Basically, asking yourself if the grass really is greener without making a rash decision.

Even in my situation with a guy who is my roommate, I am wishy washy about kicking him out. I sit here every day and everything about him annoys the fuck out of me, and I just say to myself "please stop letting me treat you like dirt and leave so I can stop analyzing this shit and you just go away without me having a choice." I think this comes from (like you said) being comfy with him doing shit for me...walking my dog, feeding my dog, doing my laundry, picking up things for me at the store, etc. I know I'd have to go back to doing it myself, and the analytic side of me kicks in and says "just let him sleep on the couch...it's not really a big deal.." :\
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I think you might be in a better situation than myself, because at least you have complete financial independence and you've taken ownership of that. Our dual incomes pretty much run our lives, and because I tend to be more active, I end up spending the lion's share, which she is (for some reason) completely cool with. Although she makes more than me, she's a total pushover and that's so.. not sexy.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have found a girl who demands nothing and gives everything, but all it does is make me feel like a lousy individual, and is a constant reminder of the connection I'm lacking in my life.

I agree, it sucks being an analytical romantic. You're constantly thinking and analyzing the things that are supposed to just happen organically.
 
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Man, Cyc. That really sucks. I haven't ever been financially dependent on someone. It actually scares the shit out of me to be dependent on anyone like that. But, I've had friends in that situation before and no amount of my coaxing changed anything until they met someone else. Sounds terrible, but I suppose that basic need to survive is there and even when you're unhappy, you have to do what you have to do to keep a roof over your head. If it means sticking around in a loveless relationship until someone else comes along, that's what has to happen. My friends had the same issue, so I can't blame ya too much for going that route.

I let a friend live with me for a while until she could get up off her feet and man was she depressed the whole time. It's a really tough path to take.
 
^ he's not completely dependent, he wrote that he could get his "little 1-bedroom place" if they break up...

For the OP and Cyc: I think it'd be really interesting to know what exactly is holding you back. It's not the thinking part, because logically sounds like you both know you need to move on. Practical things like money and possessions and logistics can be sorted out. Upset girlfriends will be able to move on NOW, before they've spent their best child-bearing years on you with (as many girls would put it) nothing to show for it. Parents and friends will be supportive. But you're still there, why?

I'd like to see a list of the biggest scariest things that you use to talk yourselves out of leaving. Might help create a clearer picture. If you were a double amputee slowly sinking into a swamp I can see why you'd feel trapped. If you're in an abusive relationship with a drug addiction and 4 children to feed I'd see why you're feeling stuck. But here?

Is your self-esteem so low you don't think you deserve to be happy?
Is your apathy about your future thinly masked depression?
Are you worried no one else will want you, are you scared of being alone?
Are you scared of facing life without a security blanket?

Answer some of these and you might start to get somewhere.
 
Yeah, I think that's as good of a place to start as any, lola.

Speaking for myself, I was going to school for the past few years and really enjoying that, and I knew that breaking up would mean I'd be unable to financially support myself. That was a big reason. Another reason was that I had so much freedom to do whatever. I could go to the bar, play sports, meet new people and have fun with no strings attached, so there was little incentive to change my life situation. I've also had a couple of health scares that have made me seriously consider how life would be like if I were alone. That scared me a lot. On top of all of this is the complacency, which is the icing on the cake.

Now I'm starting a new job on Monday that pays pretty decent. I've also made some changes to my drinking habits and I'm committed to sobriety. As awful as it sounds, I've been considering getting my financial affairs in order so I can make some serious life changes. There's also somebody I'm interested in, but I have no idea what her deal is at the moment, so there's a very good chance it could be a dead end.
 
I definitely think that you should bring this up with your girlfriend so you guys can at least try to make it work. If it doesn't work then at least you gave it the benefit of both of you being aware of whats going on and trying to fix it...good luck dude
 
masumune said:
I'd say if you are at that point where you are considering cheating you need to end it. It isn't fair for her, you say you respect her then don't waste her time keeping her in a relationship with someone who doesn't love her. Not saying your a shitty person or anything just bein real, seriously no one deserves to be cheated on unless they cheated first. Also if she doesn't want to be around you under the influence of MDMA than she sounds lame anyway. Just my opinion. That is unless your personality completely alters and you are like super annoying to be around or some such thing. My GF doesn't do anything but occasionally smoke da reefer but loves when I am rollin or groovin or really anything because I get super lovey dovey and affectionate. People change most teenage relationships don't last into adult hood because people grow up and become diffident people.
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i totally agree with this 100 perecent!
 
best way is open and honest being in a long term relationship. if they dont understand you need to let your hair down from time to time ,go out with friends and be yourself they are the wrong person and they dont really love you for who you are .including the odd bit of drug taking and other habits .
i personlly think im very lucky i have time with my friends on my own with no questions asked ,go away for a month at a time or more when needed and believe this can only happen when you have trust and full understanding and love of the right person.

that is just my opinion and how its worked for me
 
One is never stuck in a relationship. You choose to be stuck.
Personally, I would not stay in a relationship because I am too scared of how the break up will affect my partner.
Break up in the nicest way and don't leave her in a financial lurch as you share the same living space.
When is your lease up? Can she get a roommate?
 
Based on what you wrote OP I would break up with her. It's not going to be easy and she won't be happy about it and it sounds like you will not either but that's what happens in a break up. I have never taken MDMA/MDA or anything like that so I have no idea what that is like? I also would not leave her in a financial lurch. I know people who lived with their ex's temporarily until the lease was up. Or their ex just found a roommate and the other person found somewhere else to live.

I agree with Perpetual Indulgence about how some people do choose to be stuck in a relationship since I have seen people who do this.
 
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thanks for all the comments guys :)

i have had a few days away from my gf with my family at home. have been meditating a lot and exercising every day (training for a half marathon) and my mind feels a lot clearer about what I have to do. i have developed some feelings for another friend, and while i havent acted on them at all, i feel i am looking around because i am not happy about our relationship at the moment. i think i am going to end the relationship at the end of our lease at the end of nov but give her notice well before hand.

its going to be tough to tell her. even though i am not in love with her after 6 and a half years you learn a lot about a person. i still feel she is my best friend but not my lover or someone i want to spend the rest of my life with. i am scared that this is going to hurt her a lot more than it will me :P
 
awrt said:
hey guys,

my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 5 years, we are both in our mid twenties and are now living together. When I first when out with my gf I was a love struck teenager who was madly in love with his gf. Our relationship has always been strong however over the past year I have felt that I lost a lot of the spark we once had. Now I find her more as a really really close friend than a lover, although I think she is still quite in love with me. I have been tempted on several occasions to cheat with a few close friends which has never even crossed my mind until a few months ago, however I have stayed strong to my gf and myself.

there have been a few other problems this year, I use mdma probably about once a month (usually around 150-200mg in a night) while my gf is straight and hasn't tried any drug other than weed. she hates being around me while rollling which i cant understand as I am a more happier loving person thatn I usually am, so i usually roll out at psytrance events with other mates who she seems to judge just because they take mdma along with me.

i respect my gf so much still and think she is an amazing person however I think my love for her has faded a lot. i have been thinking about breaking up for a few months now but really worried it will tear her apart, especially after 5 years. i want to end the relationship as I think I am no longer in love but really scared about how it will affect her.

has anyone else here been in a similar position?

thanks for listening to my rant :)
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ive been with a girl for 4 years, when we split up it made me realize how much i really missed her. you never really know how much you love someone until theyre gone. explain to her how youre feeling, maybe ask her if shed like to try mdma just once, explain the therapeutic benefits, that you think it will really help you two in your relationship. often times, love does fade, you have to work to keep it alive.

also, dont rule out the fact that your monthly mdma use is catching up to you emotionally. maybe you wanna slow down or take a break for a few months to see how you feel? that would make her happier and give you a chance to get your emotions straight. i know some people can get away with rolling every month in the beginning, but it does catch up eventually
 
I'm also in this boat. I'm about to end (as in tonight, or tomorrow, for sure, first time we talk either by person or phone) an 8 year relationship. I spent the past 3 months too scared to break it off, too worried about how she would do, to break it off myself. Really, this sort of thing has been going on for 2 years. I checked out mentally after her hardcore opiate addiction, because at that point it was really just too much hurt to truly dive back in. So I stayed home, and avoided her, and all her drama and situations (after she got clean off opiates, thanks to me, she jumped right into daily use of and addiction to cocaine), and did this all at the expense of my own social life (I'm just now, within the past 3 or 4 months, in effective treatment and recovery for severe sleep issues).

I look at the relative isolation I stayed in for the past 4 years (the timetable on my sleep issues), and while a lot of it was my sleep disorder (very hard to go out with friends when you don't know what time you will be able to wake up and function the next day), and a lot of it was the fact that I had to leave behind a lot of my friends who are either hardcore dealing or using/addicted to drugs I need to stay away from (as well as prison), I missed a lot of connections to hang out with old friends because I was afraid to go out with them while I wasn't seeing her at all, for the epic bitching I would take (and a little bit of guilt).

These past 3 months, where I have been more honest with myself and a few select others that I knew the relationship was over, I have been too pussy to say the words to her. I honestly believe I never would have. I was afraid of what she might do, not only to herself immediately (part of the reason this needs to end is because she has become one of those bitches that constantly threatens suicide) but for the rest of her life, without me, how she would survive financially, how she would do emotionally despite her piece of shit family, and how, honestly, if she allowed me to continue to be her boyfriend and occasionally bootycall (as in she comes to me) her even though I never made any effort to see her, how badly she would allow the next boyfriend to treat her.

But, I took a trip out of town, had some time to think, got really close to getting laid with a beautiful woman (I will never forgive my junkie ass cousin for hanging around and cock-blocking me like he didn't have a clue what was going on), and realized that I (or rather, we, because this relationship isn't any good for her either), needs to end. I just called her to break it off, and she didn't answer. Probably sleeping from a cocaine crash. I was so nervous and amped up, scared yet ready to begin my new life. So fucking anti-climactic.

I know this post is really journally, but there is good advice here for people stuck in nearly identical situations, and I needed a place to vent.
 
Well, I did it. 8 years, now it's over. It was nerve racking, I thought I was going to faint, but I picked myself up and did it. Now I'm free. I feel good as fuck. Time to get my own life back. Feel a thousand pounds lighter.

Whole thing is far from really over, girl is probably going to stalk me and air out all my dirty laundry, and god knows what else, but I got over the toughest hurdle today.
 
3 said:
Well, I did it. 8 years, now it's over. It was nerve racking, I thought I was going to faint, but I picked myself up and did it. Now I'm free. I feel good as fuck. Time to get my own life back. Feel a thousand pounds lighter.

Whole thing is far from really over, girl is probably going to stalk me and air out all my dirty laundry, and god knows what else, but I got over the toughest hurdle today.
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Congratulations, 3,4! I'm glad you feel good and made a step in the right direction. Good for you!
 
Lysis said:
Congratulations, 3,4! I'm glad you feel good and made a step in the right direction. Good for you!
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Thanks Lysis and Mel. It's been good (still feel really good), and I've been slowly trying to build up my new life. Reconnecting with old friends (the good ones, or the ones I hope can be good), making new ones, hitting on women with a confidence I didn't have before I began dating the old girlfriend, trying to separate the women looking the have a good time vs. the ones who might be looking for a relationship (in order to spare any hurt feelings), etc etc..

Things are slow right now, I'm truly sick of hanging around at home not doing shit, but I'm making all the steps I'm supposed to with regards to rebuilding my old life, and making them quick. It's tough doing this with zero friends left in the world, but I'm always good at making new ones and being personable (especially when I'm not depressed), so I'm confident it will all come together eventually. I know I just have to keep riding my momentum while I still have it in order to avoid falling back into my old, isolationist ways.
 
^^ One step at a time, my friend. :)

I spend about 2 months moping, to be honest. I have a hard time going out, but if someone drags me out, I always have fun and wonder why I let some douche drag me down for so long! It's one of those things where you have to heal in your own time.
 
if you dont want to be with her you're not being "nice" by dragging her along

because eventually you will cheat and you'll hurt her much much more than being honest
 
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