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stuck in a long term relationship

A

awrt

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2010
Messages
74
hey guys,

my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 5 years, we are both in our mid twenties and are now living together. When I first when out with my gf I was a love struck teenager who was madly in love with his gf. Our relationship has always been strong however over the past year I have felt that I lost a lot of the spark we once had. Now I find her more as a really really close friend than a lover, although I think she is still quite in love with me. I have been tempted on several occasions to cheat with a few close friends which has never even crossed my mind until a few months ago, however I have stayed strong to my gf and myself.

there have been a few other problems this year, I use mdma probably about once a month (usually around 150-200mg in a night) while my gf is straight and hasn't tried any drug other than weed. she hates being around me while rollling which i cant understand as I am a more happier loving person thatn I usually am, so i usually roll out at psytrance events with other mates who she seems to judge just because they take mdma along with me.

i respect my gf so much still and think she is an amazing person however I think my love for her has faded a lot. i have been thinking about breaking up for a few months now but really worried it will tear her apart, especially after 5 years. i want to end the relationship as I think I am no longer in love but really scared about how it will affect her.

has anyone else here been in a similar position?

thanks for listening to my rant :)
 
Yeah I have... But honestly there is absolutely no easy way (save faking your own death) to end it. Try the search feature, this is pretty common
 
I think it's pretty common with two people who move in and are together from when they are young. It happened to me where my partner was focused in one direction and I was in another. It led to arguments, and I was just disenchanted after a while. You grow up, you have your goals and she probably has hers, and if they don't match, the relationship fails. You didn't mention kids, which is good.

We can only commiserate with you, but you have to make a decision to stay or go. I guarantee you if you are at a point where you don't want to be in a relationship, she probably has a gut feeling things aren't right. It sucks to hurt someone when it happens, but rarely are both people in total agreement that the relationship is over. Usually, one person is still in love, and I feel for her. I've also been on the receiving end of a dissolved relationship and I am still in love and it hurts, but she will be OK.
 
This does happen in long term relationships. You've got to figure out if you can make it work, because five years is a LOT of time to put into a relationship, or if you just want to end it. People change a lot, especially over five years, and especially in their mid twenties.
Have you talked to her about this? Communication is key. Maybe she's feeling like things are different as well?
 
yeah I ended up a 7 years relationship last year. I was 17 when we first dated. Afater 7 years, (4 living together) we were not really in love anymore.. just used to each other. Needless to say, I felt ALIVE again when I broke up
 
You can't understand why she doesn't wanna be around you whilst you're high on MDMA?

Maybe you should take some pictures or video yourself the next time you take any.

1b093892-afe8-4781-9c82-920a712a3ddd.jpg
 
^


^ I think it has more to do with this gf of his to be a complete prude when it comes to drugs. I cannot count how many gf's I've had that found drugs or being on drugs distasteful, which frankly, I couldn't give a fuck.


awrt, you should try breaking up with her while you're on drugs.
 
thanks for the advice guys, yeah I think I still have a lot of thinking to do.

our communication has been good about it, i have talked to her heaps about her feelings towards me and about my drug use. i am very open about it and dont really want to lie about it. she still says she loves me a lot but hates my drug use.

the other week i came off a really intense candy flip which was mind blowing, and I came home to her saying how much I want to make our relationship work but she didn't want a bar of it just because I was coming down :P
 
Mate I was in the same position as you.
From age 16 to 21 I was with the same girl. We stopped having sex after around 3 years (she had been molested at a young age and i think those issues came up again) but because I cared for her, and our life was otherwise good, I stayed with her.
Despite the lack of sex, at first I wasn't cheating on her and I was very proud of that. But eventually the hormones and frustration got too much and I began seeing other girls behind her back. This led to me feeling so guilty that I decided I deserved to be unhappy, and I would wait for HER to end it. That took a very long time.

My advice to you is to consider whether you see yourself marrying her. It sounds unlikely. You are living some of the best years of your life, you will never get them back, so don't compromise that by being afraid to hurt someone.
I'm not saying you'd end up in the same exact situation as me, but I wish I'd ended it 3 years sooner.
 
koodos to you for still liking her as a person after moving in together. Relationships change drastically after couples move in together and everything is out in the open and you can't get a break from each other. Maybe that's what these changed feelings can be attributed to?
 
This led to me feeling so guilty that I decided I deserved to be unhappy, and I would wait for HER to end it. That took a very long time.
Click to expand...

Ugh...that's what I'm in right now, except I told him I was finished...done...sick and tired of him. This was back in February and he still sleeps on my couch. :\ I call him my roommate, which he is, but I want him to leave. I think some people just don't have enough self-worth to let it go and move on.

Some people (in my case and possibly the OP's and yours) don't like to be the bad guy. When you live with someone who you know is totally dependent on you, it's hard saying "you need to leave." For me, the guy is 37 and has no excuse for being the way he is.

The problem with allowing the person to make the decision to leave and not be the bad guy is that the more you let them stick around, the more resentful you become of them. In the case of my situation where it's been 7 months since I said I was done and he just mopes around my house, is that I can't stand his presence anymore. I even make snide remarks and I'm a total asshole hoping he'll just say "Fuck you" and leave. The ONLY reason why I haven't flipped out on him to leave is that he takes care of my dog. lol
 
I'd say if you are at that point where you are considering cheating you need to end it. It isn't fair for her, you say you respect her then don't waste her time keeping her in a relationship with someone who doesn't love her. Not saying your a shitty person or anything just bein real, seriously no one deserves to be cheated on unless they cheated first. Also if she doesn't want to be around you under the influence of MDMA than she sounds lame anyway. Just my opinion. That is unless your personality completely alters and you are like super annoying to be around or some such thing. My GF doesn't do anything but occasionally smoke da reefer but loves when I am rollin or groovin or really anything because I get super lovey dovey and affectionate. People change most teenage relationships don't last into adult hood because people grow up and become diffident people.
 
This is hard to say but after 7 years I'm in a very similar situation.

We're best friends and we enjoy a lot of activities together. There is a warm, loving component to our relationship that I guess makes it a relationship, but on my side there is very little sexual attraction anymore. When we do have sex it's because I'm horny and she's a likely candidate. We are both in our early 30s, both gainfully employed and have no plans for marriage and kids. I think we both want those things, but not with each other. We're at a sort of impasse because we are very comfortable together and share our resources well, but she's a coward and averse to change, and I'm just being lazy about the whole thing. I guess the dealbreaker for me is that I've always been attracted to very strong women, and she is very weak-willed and easily cowed. I could never truly be with someone like that.

The result is that I've become a shameless flirt, and subconsciously I think I'm trying to find someone to jump ship for, to give me an excuse to get out of this rut. I've cheated on her twice and been on a few dates with girls I've met at school (none went anywhere.. young women are neurotic and issue-ridden) but it really isn't fair to her. She has cheated on me twice and I really didn't care all that much. I just want her to be happy. Striking out my own will be expensive and annoying and just hurtful all around. I don't know what to do because the status quo is so comfy and being in a relationship with little emotional investment is actually kind of nice.
 
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I agree with the person above who suggested considering whether you could see yourself marrying her. The way I see it, relationships really only have 2 purposes: the first is for fun, the second is for a potential lifelong relationship. If you don't see yourself marrying this person, and the relationship is no longer fun (or is less fun than you believe you could have if you were single), then it is time to either start pushing for some dramatic changes in the nature of the relationship or ending it.

I really have no advice on how to make ending a long-term relationsihp not a miserable process. I think it pretty much sucks no matter how you approach it. :(
 
Wow, Cyc. Sorry to hear about that. Being in your 30s, I think you've probably fallen into complacency, which is where a lot of people wind up. I think it's a matter of being in your 30s and being too analytical. At least, that's what I tell myself. In your 20s, you do whatever whim comes to your mind, and you regret some of those actions. In your 30s, you look back and realize the mistakes you've made due to being immature, so you try to correct it by being analytic in situations like this. Basically, asking yourself if the grass really is greener without making a rash decision.

Even in my situation with a guy who is my roommate, I am wishy washy about kicking him out. I sit here every day and everything about him annoys the fuck out of me, and I just say to myself "please stop letting me treat you like dirt and leave so I can stop analyzing this shit and you just go away without me having a choice." I think this comes from (like you said) being comfy with him doing shit for me...walking my dog, feeding my dog, doing my laundry, picking up things for me at the store, etc. I know I'd have to go back to doing it myself, and the analytic side of me kicks in and says "just let him sleep on the couch...it's not really a big deal.." :\
 
I've taken to developing crushes on girls I meet, and while part of me thinks that my unavailability must convey some sort of value, insofar that someone else must want me, the other side is that I'm very truthful about my relationship status, and everyone knows my situation so it's difficult to actually move out of it without going through the excruciating process of getting my own little 1-bedroom place, splitting up our belongings and our cats, and just generally throwing our lives into upheaval.

That said, I yearn every day for a romantic connection with someone. I miss it terribly. What is keeping us together is the life we've built, and I don't really blame a girl for not wanting to get involved in the stink, so it's really on me to make some life changes.
 
Been there and done that, my friend. It's really easy to say "leave," but it's a different situation when you live with someone and it's not just stringing someone along when you're 16 and living at home. I totally understand. You realize the right thing to do is break it off, but breaking it off means complete fucking headaches. Yep, been there.

You know the problem, though? That person who convinces you to finally do it is really not worth your time either. Someone who is worth your time and honest would not have anything to do with a man living with his GF. The person who does, however, is not really a nice person and should be avoided. It's a double-edge sword, my friend.
 
End it now. The sooner the better. I just ended a relationship that had lasted 6 1/2 years. I knew I was done at 4 years but kept dragging it out. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time in a dead end relationship. When the spark is gone, it is dead.
 
Have you actually talked to her? I think communication is very important. It seems like you really want to run. Is it that bad of a relationship? Is there someone else you want to be with instead? If you say yes to at least two of those questions then end the relationship. However I stand by the bonding power of Molly. I think you should tell her that you think the relationship is failing. You can suggest to her that maybe you should both take Molly together and see if helps. I had trouble getting my wife to roll at first but once she tried it, our relationship greatly strengthened.
 
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