Nothing really helpful, but I appreciate any answer from everybody

I dont know how it is in the US or where you live, I live in Germany and its getting hardly prescribed as off label use for depression or DP/DR. Mostly or maybe only for ADS/ADHS.
Which I found extremely helpful and not uncomfurtable was a small oral dose of MDPV from which I didnt feel anything, at least no sign of a "high" and then snorten a normal line of amphetamine. But yeah, its just fucked up that only uppers seem to help which are mostly neurotoxic and cardiotoxic, GABA Drugs which I was already dependend on (GBL and Benzos) I am afraid of the longterm damage that stimulants will cause to me, especially to my heart and I will not go through any GABA withdrawal ever again, not just because the withdrawal is so extreme, but the recovery takes at least a year.
I mean I am doing other things to help to deal with the symptoms, I know that no drug or med will be the holy grail. Meditation helps, exercise, eating healthy and yeah just feeling healthy. Self Expression through writing or rapping helps enormously and socializing of course too. Videogames for example even help if I haven racing suicidal thoughts.
The thing is that I need something that can put me instantly out of extreme phases of depressionen, derealization, racing thoughts, dissociation, lethargy. Because sometimes I feel so bad that nothing makes sense to me. I mean I know what helps me, but when I am at rock bottom my mind doesnt realize it anymore. All I think is everything is hopeless, wont help, I will never feel better again, etc etc etc.
I just cant put me out of this with trying to say to me "man, you know exercise, meditation, etc will help you now" . In these situations I dont realize these things. My whole thinking changes, its just empty, hopeless, suicidal.
Its like even if I had an ecstasy in front of me with lets say 150mg MDMA, my mind doesnt believe anymore that any drug known to man would better anything. But if I would take it for example and the effects started to work, my whole thinking will change again. I just dont get out of these extreme rock bottom downs without anykind of medication or drug.
I wouldnt take things everyday for sure if they helped and didnt have side effects like stimulants, empathogens or GABA substances, but there just isnt anything else, atleast nothing I really have experience with. I am now just speaking of things that help to decrease the dissociative symptoms. Even AL-LAD let me feel more normal than in these situations.
I am just looking for an upper or empathogen that I could take 2 days a week without serious long term effects after lets say doing this for 1 year. Maybe there is an psychedelic which could help in threshold doses that would help, but nothing shroom like. Dont know about the 2cs or shroom derivate chemicals how they work, maybe that could help.
For just the Depression I take Mirtzapine and Tianeptine, both doesnt seem to help in recommended doses. Tianpentine in high attack doses like 50mg however helps almost instanstly against depression, even just lightly mood lifting for an hour or two. Tramadol doesnt have much more effect and Codeine or Kratom doesnt really help either...I just stay in bed till the effects wean off and feel bad again and get nothing done, at least with codeine.
Methoxetamine in not M-hole doses helps with depression too, but not really against the DP/DR which is in my opinion connected with the depression. But even if its an dissociative it doesnt worse it much, I dont know if it even worse it anyway, speaking from small doses of course.
Depressionen isnt really the main problem. The problem is the extreme dissociative state I get and it always goes together with suicidal depression. I mean I was sometimes so disconnected that I would stare for an hour on an empty bottle, bit extreme of an example but yeah after the benzo withdrawal it was almost like that, really intense.
So if anybody can and I dont want to say recommend me something, but tell me something that could have an moodlifting, clear heading, maybe empathogen effect on these dissociative states I would gladly appreaciate that. At least something which I could possible take up to max 2 days a week, so I think MDMA doesnt fit, probably more a stimulant maybe with serotonergic effect.
Thanks for reading and I would be really grateful for any help. I know somebody recommending drugs to medicate himself is somewhat paradox, but I cause more harm to me with experimenting with every chemical combinend in a borderline destructive way than if I knew I have something which helps in these extreme situations