Stay.Blazed.420
Bluelighter
explain how i feel sorry for myself? I may wallow in self pity but that's not uncommon for somebody like me. I'm not trying to say my life situation is worse than anyone, and i'm sure tons of members on this forum (especially in TDS) have gone through a lot worse, i just don't know how to cope. I grew up being beaten by my dad as young as age 5, and watching him throw my brother down the stairs and spit on him, watch him beat the shit out of my mom.
One time when i was maybe 9 or so i heard him hitting my mom so i ran into the closet with the phone and hid and i could hear him roaring asking where i was, and when he found me i got so scared and started crying and he took the phone from me and disconnected all the lines so nobody could call the cops on him. (again)
Finally by age 11 after the second time of him being arrested it was just my bro, my mom, and me, and i felt a little bit happier. Looking back at my childhood i never even realized i was depressed. (well, as depressed as a kid can feel) The teachers always wondered why i'd act out, blurt things out and always get into trouble but looking back on my childhood as an adult, it just shows even as a kid i didn't know how to cope with my issues. I bottled up all my emotions from age 5 to 16 before i felt my first ego death and realized the people i was hanging out with weren't my real friends. But hopeless and lonely i still hung out with them for another year. Finally i met a guy named jesse and we became great friends. (he was a really popular guy). I remember when his friends would come over and it was just jesse and me he'd be texting me trying to get ways to ditch them cuz we wanted to just get baked and play video games and none of his other friends were really into that. we had tons, TONS in common, both video game, and computer wise. we both loved smoking weed and when we were broke ass stoners hurting for weed we'd go for drives and trade in old n64 and playstation 2 games just to get a g. I'd say he was my best friend.
Until i started dating my current girlfriend. I knew jesse liked her, and i knew jesse was more popular and better looking than me. One time I was really sick for two whole weeks straight and couldn't even get out of bed and since me and my gf would always hang out with jesse, she just started going over there and hangin out with the group. (the group i was accepted in, and finally felt like i had real friends.)
She then told me she cheated on me with jesse one night. (says she made out with him) I couldn't believe it. jesse seemed very remorseful, asking me to come over (when i wanted to just punch him out) to apologize, and he was giving me free weed, gave me a hug and said it was just a drunken mistake and that he doesn't want to take my girl and that she doesn't want him either.
after that, i never looked at him the same. Nor considered him a 'bro', nor a friend anylonger. Some fucking friend. we were tight as fuck for a year straight, hanging out, blazing, getting drunk, partying, etc.. but after that i stopped hanging out with him. In fact i stopped hanging out with that group all together. The group i finally felt socially accepted into but i guess he was never a true friend to begin with if he'd stab me in the back like that.
so now here i am a year and a month later and still don't have a group of friends. I'm fuckin lonely and miserable. I have one friend (who i haven't hung out with in over 2 months) and all the other 'friends' i have are originally my gf's friends and the only time i chill with them is when i'm with her. I have nobody to go to for support, except my gf. Lately all she's been saying is she doesn't think she makes me happy anymore, and that i could find someone better. (this attitude all started after she broke my nose after my surgery cuz she was blacked out drunk and then promised to never drink again.. however she continues to drink and i tell her how much that hurts my feelings and causes me grief, but all she says is she has a drinking problem and it's not that easy to just quit)
So she finally went and asked her mom to put her in an AA class to get help cuz she see's how much is stresses me out when she's out drinking and im sitting at home with this fucking 11 o'clock curfew. I literally have nobody except her, and she says i could find somebody better since she has a drinking problem. How the hell am i ever gonna find someone better when i have no friends or no social status at all? Every day the routine is the same, work, then go see her until my curfew comes. every single day. and i'm not complaining either. I just fucking wish i had friends like i used to. I wish i didn't have my dads (genetic) bi-polar, addictive tendencies. I feel crazy and i am crazy. all i feel like i'm doing is holding my gf back, whom i love deeply. if i lost her, i'd literally be completely alone. I have nobody.
So yeah, sorry if i wallow in self pity from time to time, knowing my life is a fuckin joke and is going to inevitably end in a lonely, miserable, sadistic death.
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