step father doesn't take me seriously when i say i feel suicidal. just do it?

[Stay.Blazed.420]

i'm sick of living in this fucking house. The only fucking reason i'm back living with my god damned mother and stupid cunt of a step father is because the stupid fucking city police house invaded me (BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE HAD A WARRANT) looking for god damned COCAINE AND FIREARMS and all they FUCKING FOUND was 2 ounces of weed and a scale, and now i'm up against god damned (BULLSHIT) trafficking charges!! i spent two weeks in fucking jail because of this!!! all my crime ever was, was SMOKING POT AND OWNING A SCALE TO MAKE SURE I DON'T GET RIPPED OFF. but now i'm on mother fucking probation, monthy drug tests, curfew, and i was forced to move out of my place that i lived with my girllfriend at, and had no other choice but move in here or go back to jail.

WELL I KNOW I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO JAIL. FUCK THAT.

I just had a mini-freak attack at 4am and punched a couple more holes in my (already hole-ridden) door and then just laid on my bed and cried like a little fucking bitch. Straight up bawling like i'm a god damned fucking child. why? BECAUSE I CAN'T HANDLE THE FUCKING DEPRESSION.

Then he comes down here and says 'oh you fucking woke me up you piece of shit, i gotta fucking wake up early tomorrow' and all i did was beg and plead for him to forgive me, i said 'i'm so sorry please just forgive me i'm sorry i never meant to wake you up, i am just a mess right now' and all he said was 'well i'm disconnecting your fucking internet now, and go the fuck to bed' and i said 'i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i just can't sleep, i feel worthless' and he said 'oh grow up' and then i started freaking out and punching myself in the head as hard as i could and he must have heard and said 'quit that immature fucking shit and grow up and be a fucking man' and i said 'DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW DEPRESSED I AM? I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!! I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF, I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN' and he says 'well then pull the fucking trigger already'

Right there i stopped. Now i'm not crying. Now all i can think about is suicide. I really REALLY want to fucking end my miserable life right now. I realize i was being an asshole by waking him up by not being able to control my emotions and by punching the door. but this fucking asshole, cunt, fucking piece of shit really doesn't fucking believe me when i say i want to end my fucking life.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. MAYBE I FUCKING WILL.

I don't even KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW. I read the suicide help thread and i'm giving myself 24 hours before i make any decisions, but this cunty fuck (who's only in this house because he likes my mom [he couldn't give a rats ass about me]) doesn't take me seriously when i say this shit. (and i don't say it all the time, this is the second time i've ever told him i want to kill myself)

If he doesn't wanna take my seriously, then i should fucking show him how serious i am. i should go slit my fucking throat right there in the kitchen so when he wakes his lazy fucking ass up in the morning he can see just how serious i was. and i'm not scared of going out in a painful way. i WANT IT to be painful. I want to fucking slowly bleed out and die a miserable death just like i lived this miserable fucking life. He says 'pull the fucking trigger'??? i'll fucking pull the god damned trigger you fucking asshole piece of shit just give me the god damned fucking gun.

i'm fucking sick of this shit. i'm sick of my life. i'm sick of being on probation and risk going to jail for months if i make a little mistake all because i smoked pot. i'm sick of all these fucking pills i have to take for anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and my many other fucked up disorders. I hate my fucking life. If there's a greater power out there i fucking DEMAND it sends a drunk driver at me, a fatal disease, or some other way of imminent death so i can fucking leave this place. There might not be life after death, but atleast it's better than this fucking shit.

i also punched my alarm clock into three pieces.. punching through the circuit board and everything. my hand is bleeding. i don't feel anything. in fact even after the initial rage had surpassed i punched it again as hard as i could just to make my hand hurt.. but it still doesn't hurt. I just want to feel pain. but i told myself i'll never cut again. I already punched holes in my door too so i dunno how to get physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Suicide is the answer to leaving behind loved ones with heartaches & sadness. It does nothing but cut your life short not knowing if & when your life would have turned around. The sun does shine & it will shine on you if you stick with it a bit longer. The time will come where everything is going great for you & you will think back to those days of when you were thinking about suicide & wonder, wtf was I thinking, life is beautiful, that I promise you!

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

All I can say is I feel your rage....but I filter myself too much. I stop myself before I destroy shit that matters...I only let myself take out my rage on shit like my car door....but in a way, maybe holding it inside is worse, I don't know. I know you probably hear it from everybody and I don't know how old you are, but one day you can get out of that shithole, if that's something for you to look forward to.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I read the suicide help thread and i'm giving myself 24 hours before i make any decisions, but this cunty fuck (who's only in this house because he likes my mom [he couldn't give a rats ass about me]) doesn't take me seriously when i say this shit. (and i don't say it all the time, this is the second time i've ever told him i want to kill myself)

Man it's really good you've decided to wait 24 hours. It's never a good idea to make such a life-changing decision when you're angry, because you would definitely regret it.

But seriously mate, are you going to let your stepdad's words cause you to end your own life? I reckon you shouldn't even give him the credit of having that much power over you that you would end your life because of him. You're better than that man. He doesn't have control over you. YOU are in control of your life. YOU have the power to make things change.

How long do you have to live at your mum's place for? Remember that whatever bad situation you're in right now won't last forever. You WILL get out and find a place maybe with your girlfriend again or with some mates. Things WILL change, so please just hang in there okay?

Have you ever spoken to your mum about your depression? I would suggest it's probably a good idea to not mention your suicidal thoughts to your stepdad again...he clearly doesn't understand your predicament.

Take care man, and keep us updated with your situation okay?

 

[Darksidesam]

You committing suicide is what your Stepdad wants.

I used to get rage like yours and do all the things you said there.
My door was also hole ridden.

Except for it was my dad who said kill yourself already.

You need to think about what you have in life, then what you dont have.

There are people far worse off out there and you will someday realise this

 

[Asclepius]

city police house invaded me (BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE HAD A WARRANT) looking for god damned COCAINE AND FIREARMS and all they FUCKING FOUND was 2 ounces of weed and a scale, and now I’m up against god damned (BULLSHIT) trafficking charges!! I spent two weeks in fucking jail because of this!!! all my crime ever was, was SMOKING POT AND OWNING A SCALE TO MAKE SURE I DON'T GET RIPPED OFF.

Hard to believe this stuff happens sometimes.

Then he comes down here and says 'oh you fucking woke me up you piece of shit, i gotta fucking wake up early tomorrow' and all i did was beg and plead for him to forgive me, i said 'i'm so sorry please just forgive me i'm sorry i never meant to wake you up, i am just a mess right now' and all he said was 'well i'm disconnecting your fucking internet now, and go the fuck to bed' and i said 'i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i just can't sleep, i feel worthless' and he said 'oh grow up' and then i started freaking out and punching myself in the head as hard as i could and he must have heard and said 'quit that immature fucking shit and grow up and be a fucking man' and i said 'DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW DEPRESSED I AM? I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!! I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF, I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN' and he says 'well then pull the fucking trigger already'

You were overcome emotionally and distraught and obviously this guy hasn't a clue what’s going on for you. Am so sorry you got treated with such ignorance when you obviously needed someone to listen to what you had to say StayBlazed!
However he is not important right now-YOU are! Is there anyone else you can talk to about his stuff...is your Mom out of the question? What about a Therapist/Friend?
If you have to stay there in the interim, although it sucks, you will have to manage it the best way you can, to keep yourself strong.

Right there i stopped. Now i'm not crying. Now all i can think about is suicide. I really REALLY want to fucking end my miserable life right now. I realize i was being an asshole by waking him up by not being able to control my emotions and by punching the door. but this fucking asshole, cunt, fucking piece of shit really doesn't fucking believe me when i say i want to end my fucking life.
I don't even KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW. I read the suicide help thread and i'm giving myself 24 hours before i make any decisions, but this cunty fuck (who's only in this house because he likes my mom [he couldn't give a rats ass about me]) doesn't take me seriously when i say this shit. (and i don't say it all the time, this is the second time i've ever told him i want to kill myself)

Seems like your trying to be acknowledged by someone who isn't willing/able to acknowledge the way you are at the moment. Fuck him; he really isn’t as important as you at the moment.
You have nothing to prove to this guy-what you need is to get someone for yourself who is going to support you in understanding what’s going on for you and this is imperative! I know you’re angry and frustrated and have every right to be but trying to look for validation from this guy is akin to banging your head off the wall. His validation isn’t what matters. All he is concerned with, I'd imagine, is controlling the situation and protecting himself.
I have had similar experience with a parent who always put her emotional needs above mine and it is the most isolating, frustrating goddamn feeling ever when you’re looking to someone for help and feeling so raw and they don’t hear you.
You got to take your power back and this means acknowledging and managing your emotions especially around people who are going to exasperate them -easier said than done, I know! ...but you need to take some action with regard to managing the situation as best you can for yourself, while you are there so that things don’t get anymore clusterfucked than they already are.

If he doesn't want to take my seriously, then i should fucking show him how serious i am.
i'm fucking sick of this shit. i'm sick of my life. i'm sick of being on probation and risk going to jail for months if i make a little mistake all because i smoked pot. i'm sick of all these fucking pills i have to take for anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and my many other fucked up disorders. I hate my fucking life. If there's a greater power out there i fucking DEMAND it sends a drunk driver at me, a fatal disease, or some other way of imminent death so i can fucking leave this place. There might not be life after death, but atleast it's better than this fucking shit.

i also punched my alarm clock into three pieces.. punching through the circuit board and everything. my hand is bleeding. i don't feel anything. in fact even after the initial rage had surpassed i punched it again as hard as i could just to make my hand hurt.. but it still doesn't hurt. I just want to feel pain. but i told myself i'll never cut again. I already punched holes in my door too so i dunno how to get physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain.

I know how that feels man. Just remember how your feeling ATM isn’t the sum total of who you are.
You have allot of stuff on your plate at the moment. Just remember it is, at the moment, things do pass and feelings subside a little. It’s good to get your frustration out on stuff, punching and destroying random objects have been a hobby of mine for a long time and sometimes a lifeline. However if it is left abandoned by you the self-destructive aspect of it can take over, leaving you powerless and even more miserable. You don’t deserve/need that at the moment, please take care of you. Hurting yourself isn’t going to prove anything to anyone-except that you are unstable-that's fact. People generally don’t judge it any other way.
Taking shit out on yourself isn’t what you need, you deserve to move forward with the strength that you have, no matter how shit you feel about yourself right now, you still have alot of power.
Any means to get that energy out, the more productive ways the better. Do you go to the gym, jog, are involved in any sports? I know in the heat of things this is the last thing your thinking of but channelling that rage, especially when it is dormant could really work in your favour and help you feel better overall and more in control. Don’t let this stuff fester in you, you have allot of anger to channel and it could work in your favour if you want it to. Set up some strategies for yourself, write stuff down, make plans; it will empower you.

Are you seeing a shrink/just getting the meds from the doctor? Always think it can be a good idea to consider seeing a quality, objective party for therapy, especially if you’re feeling so isolated and unsupported at the moment? It may be worth looking into?
Take care of yourself and let us know what’s going on?

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I can understand how you feel, but killing yourself is a copout.

It kinda seems like maybe your life wasnt so bad before all this legal shit started? I mean u were living on your own, had a girl, had plenty of bud, seems like the start of the american dream. This whole legal trouble your going to will pass, but you killing yourself is something that won't end. I can understand how unhappy you are right now, but you'll never have a chance to get that happiness back if you go on a tantrum destroying your life and any chance you have at living a productive one

You hate your stepfather, understandable, but it doesn't seem as if he treats you equal to a dog for nothing. There may be some sort of underlying issue there that's bothering him? I'm not saying it's your fault, but if you want to make your time back at home as smooth and enjoyable as possible, and show that you are an adult, you should try to tackle the issue instead of punching walls and breaking things. Altho I know how easy it is to just punch a wall when your angry. Nowadays when I really become so enraged that I feel as if I can't control myself, I'll scream my lungs out into a pillow.

I wouldn't worry too much about your charges. In terms of violating probation. Just use consequential thinking, don't do anything stupid. Severity of marijuana charges vary from state to state, so I can't really give you advice as to what might happen, but I can tell you it's pretty unlikely your gonna get sent back to jail.

We ALL have to deal with crisis' from time to time, it's a part of life, and usually its stuff we dont agree with nor want to do, but how you handle this will show how ready you are for the real world or not. You can embrace this entire situation the adult way, or you can be childish about it. The balls in your court and no one is forcing you do anything you don't want to. In the end, it's your choice.

Good luck to whatever your decision is tho

 

[Legerity]

Hey man you don't have to allow his words to make decisions for you. Your life is your own and you don't need to prove anything to him by hurting yourself. Even though are in a lot of pain now things do change and if you give yourself some time to work through it you will have gained a lot of strength and wisdom that will make you better able to shape your life as you want it to be.

Give yourself some time to settle down a bit. If there are some people you can vent to then that's great. But if you give yourself some time you may get a new perspective and you may begin to feel differently. Take care of yourself and post here whenever you need to

 

[Ds]

I can relate to your story stayblazed, i to have an evil fucking step dad. that in my head i think he's trying to milk my mom of her money, and hates me because i've been to more rehabs and halfway houses then his previous marriages.
I've pulled a knife and a gun on him before (while i was high), and really wanted to kill this man. for what reason? he doesn't support me in my life? that my mom is for once happy in her life?
i had to look into my part, where I was wrong, and why I hate this man.

To be honest with you, I never really knew my biological father, he split when I was real young. So from the very start I hated authority/men.

blazed, ur stepfather doesn't know anything about you. I'm guessing that he doesn't understand addiction/mental issues.

in my honest opinion.. i think the best way to mend the relationship between you and your step dad is to get help for yourself. even if its 72 hours at the local psych ward(been there done that).

your life is to precious to throw it away over anything.

man if u ever want to talk about this personally PM me man.

 

[laCster]

definitely NO you will look back on this moment in 10years and see how irrational you were acting... in a couple years you will probably be out of your house and be living a good life! whatever insecurities you have about yourself i suggest waking up, realizing what you dont like about yourself, and invalidate those insecurity...when you work on improving yourself you will be happy and motivated and other people around you will notice you more and think you are more attractive...trust, there is so much more to live for

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey Stayblazed, how are you doing today man?? There are a lot of people here who care about you and hope that you're feeling better today. Take care, and let us know how you're going

 

[Stay.Blazed.420]

well i cried alot more. again like a big fucking baby. I'm contemplating taking like 6mgs of klonopin just to get through the night, but i know when i run out i'll regret it. I've been trying to find xanax, k-pins, or any benzo i can off the street but i dunno many pharmaceutical guys.

I asked my step dad if there were any burgers left from my birthday and he said 'how should i know, just check the damn fridge' and so i did and didn't find anything.. So i haven't really eaten anything today because all there is to eat in this house is kraft dinner and some microwavable meals, but neither of them sound good right now, nor do i have a very good appetite. I really miss being able to smoke weed and relax, and it makes me sick that i have to take all these different pills just because my brain chemistry is fucked up.

I told my girlfriend how i can't handle her drinking anymore (long story- basically she got blacked out drunk and broke my nose 3 days after i had a long-awaited [8 months] surgery and she swore to never drink again) but now since she has a 'drinking problem' and is 'going to AA meetings after her next court date' she thinks that makes me feel better but in reality she's not even trying not to drink, she gets drunk almost every other night and i'm never around so that causes me tremendous amounts of stress. And after i told her she tried saying 'well if i'm not making you happy then you should find somebody better' and all that did was upset me leading me to bashing the side of my head on the wall multiple times before she physically stopped me from doing it, so i broke down in tears again. I said the last thing i need right now is to lose the only person who actually seems to care about me.

So now here i am at home while she goes to her step moms with a friend to drink so hard alcohol. I fucking wish she'd just try for me. She says 'i don't get drunk anymore, just tipsy' but how can i believe that when last night when she 'was just getting tipsy' she fell on the pavement and scratched up her hands, elbows and knees.

I can't go to the pharmacy and buy tylenol 1's anymore cuz i already used my healthcard this month so i have no way to get high or any way to alleviate my stress. I took a pair of dull scissors to my neck and cut it up just because i was feeling hatred for myself. I also took apart a razor but haven't decided whether or not i want to use that (not that the scissors was any smarter of an idea).

Then today in front of the few people i hang out with, my old roommate tells them all how depressed i have been and that i've been feeling suicidal. I didn't even know about this until my girlfriend said 'you know there's lots of people worried about you..' and i said 'how?' and she told me my ex roommate told everyone when i was out of the room. So fucking great, now everyone knows i'm miserable and (quite frankly) pathetic. I even called him out on it and said 'so what the fuck were you saying to everyone?' and he just said 'now's not the time man... we'll talk later' and i just said 'well it's nobody's fucking business but mine so shut your mouth'. I found out the only reason he knew is because (apparently) a while ago back when my ex roommate was living with my brother and my step dad was telling everyone of my brothers roommates that i wanted to kill myself. (great, so even more people know than i thought)

I'm also getting pretty irrational. apparently last night when my girlfriend was 'tipsy' at my old place when they were having a party some 26 year old guy (I just turned 19) was creeping on my girl saying shit like 'oh have i told you how beautiful you are?, you should find someone who treats you better, i would treat you so nicely. You should come with me to regina' and i dunno how much longer she took of this guy creeping on her but she said once it got to the point where she was really weirded out my ex-roommate called her from the other room to try and 'save her' from this creep. Then she went upstairs.
So when she told me this over the phone, and said the guy crashed in the spare bedroom, i went over there expecting to fight. This guy was way older and way bigger than me but frankly i didn't give a flying fuck. I opened the door (and saw him (the 26 year old) cuddling with a 16 year old girl) and said 'HEY CORY WAKE YOUR FUCKING ASS UP' while my girlfriend stood to the side and whispered 'dar, just let it go' and he wouldn't wake up so i yelled even louder 'WAKE YOUR FUCKING ASS UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT' and he said (probably still drunk/hungover) 'whaaatt maan?' and i said 'you know who i am? i'm lauryns boyfriend.' and he said 'oh?' and then i said 'yeah if you fucking ever say another fucking word to her again i'll come boot your fucking jaw so you don't get to talk to anybody ever again you creepy piece of fucking shit' and he wasn't getting up so i didn't see this guy wanting to fight, so i just said 'yeah keep your mouth shut you fucking prick' and slammed the fucking door. He left the house shortly afterward.

I'm probably assuming the guy could have beaten me up since he was alot older and bigger, but i just didn't give a fuck. I was ready to go up to him while he was laying on the ground and just step on his face as hard as i could. That probably would have wound me up back in jail so i guess it's good i didn't take things further.

So far this day's been a little bit less shittier

 

[n3ophy7e]

well i cried alot more. again like a big fucking baby.

We all cry man, and it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You cry because you feel sad and desperate and trapped. I think that is a pretty valid reason to cry, and I'd do the same if I was in your position. Please don't beat up on yourself for showing your emotions. It takes a strong man to cry. Cowards are the ones who hold it in because they are too scared of showing their true feelings.

it makes me sick that i have to take all these different pills just because my brain chemistry is fucked up.

Again, having to take medication is NOTHING to be ashamed of man. The fact that you've even gotten help in the past by talking to a doctor about your emotional issues means that you are stronger than you're giving yourself credit for.

I really think you need to start getting some serious therapy. Find a therapist who you are comfortable talking to, and who you mesh well with. See them once every 1-2 weeks for however long it takes for you to feel better and to be able to cope better with the difficulties you face in your life. There is no shame in getting counselling, it doesn't mean that you're weak or failing etc, in fact it shows a lot of maturity and courage to seek help. Please consider doing so man. In the meantime please take care of yourself and try to focus on the good things about yourself

 

[Garden Man]

So far this day's been a little bit less shittier

And so will the next one. And then the next one will too; and the one after that as well. Within time, you will be stable and confident enough to get back on your feet. This was just a minor trial, and I know you feel like shit couldn't get any worse and you're the biggest scumbag on the planet - but it WILL get better. Before you know it, you will be living back in an appt. with a few buddies, away from your idiot stepfather, and smoking kush again. Time my friend, time will help you. This won't last, and suicide is NOT the answer. After you have lived through this, you will see how much of a stronger person you are.

Stay well my friend.

 

[Stay.Blazed.420]

[For the record, i know i'm fucked up and mentally ill]

I can't get over the fact that he said that to me. So i made two deep cuts into my waste (where nobody will see unless my boxers are off) and let all my blood drip down into and envelope to the point where it was tearing and soaked in blood and then wrote 'hey paul. i say i wanna kill myself and you say pull the fucking trigger? well give me the gun then, asshole!'

yep, i'm fucked. but atleast i can concentrate on something else now. maybe now i can function a bit better and play a video game rather than sit and stare at the wall trying not to cry. I know self harm is never a good thing, and i certainly do NOT endorse any other member on this board, or anybody at all to do it, but i feel alot better now.

I think i'm going psychotic.

(I wasn't this fucked up until i was thrown in jail for two weeks, then forced to move back home with my ignorant, arrogant and stuck up parents. I love my mom and all she has done for me in my life, but she doesn't get me at all. we're like two opposites. we have no common interests or anything. all i do is stress her out and vice versa. I need to get out of this fucking house)

I wish i still had a real dad. a sane one. One who i can always count on. I have nobody to count on. my step dad doesn't take me seriously, he thinks my depression makes me a weak person, and he picks on me for it. and my mom just says 'well control your emotions' as if it were that easy.. Nobody understands me, all that's happening is i'm slowly getting more and more depressed.. I feel suicide is just around the corner)

 

[n3ophy7e]

Nobody understands me, all that's happening is i'm slowly getting more and more depressed.. I feel suicide is just around the corner

Well there are a lot of people right here in The Dark Side who definitely understand where you're coming from, and what you're currently going through. We're all reaching out to you man, there's a lot of support here if you want it. I know it's not the same as having people in your real life who can listen and offer support, but it's better than nothing.

You need professional help but in the meantime please talk to us, and listen to the advice you're being offered. A lot of people here (including myself) have been suicidal and have come through it just fine, just like you will. A lot of people here have had issues with self-harm and depression and anxiety (including myself), and have all gotten through it. And you will too.

Please just hang in there, try to relax, and be kind to yourself because you deserve it

When can you see a therapist?

 

[Stay.Blazed.420]

i see a psychiatrist but he's a total fucking waste of time. check my other thread in TDS page 3 on why he's a useless fuck.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah I know man. You need to see someone else though, a therapist (different from a psychiatrist) who actually works well for you. Your psychiatrist is but one person, there are hundreds of different therapists out there for you to try.

I know it's a hassle to find a good therapist but it's so worth the effort man. You're so miserable now, you can feel so much better. But you have to try.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I'm sure there are meetings similar to NA/AA for depression, suicidal thoughts etc..

There you'll find people who have dealt/are dealing with the same types of things as you are

 

[Charles Ferdinand]

Well OP you definetly need a good therapist, and/or a psychiatrist for your depression.
There's A LOT A LOT of people here in bluelight who have gone through the same as you (including me).
Look, just the other day, like 2 weeks ago, I wanted to seriously kill myself, I don't know why and didn't want, I resisted, but my body or a part of my mind was pleading for my to take my life desperately. I just clinged onto life with nails and teeth, don't know how I made it through or what caused that episode, but I took a little Lyrica (for anxiety) and everything calmed down just enough for me to regain control of myself. Perhaps it was a panic attack. You see? and it has happened to me lots of times, and to many other people too.
Just hold on and keep talking and looking for help, things can just improve I can promise you that from experience.
Best Regards!