Spiritual Experiences - your stories

[Bagseed]

Hello,

I want to make a thread on spiritual / changing experiences occuring without being on (psychedelic) drugs, because of an experience I had yesterday which still shakes me when I think about it. A quick search didn't bring about a similar topic, so I decided to start one myself.
the definition of a "spiritual experience" might be tricky, but for me, it would be an event which brings you closer to your soul and emotions in a very intense and unforseen way...

Anyway, to what happened yesterday, I think I should give a little background on myself; male, 23yo, childhood with an abusive alcoholic father, a mother whowas never able to show her emotions and love, often on the border to poverty. always been shy, insecure, in school I was bullied for many years, only started to have real friendships at the end of puberty.
Got into weed at 14, psychedelics at 16. when I was twenty, I had an extremly intense and changing experience on mushrooms (this trip would be a whole another story itself), after which all the emotions, sadness, anger, depression accumulated year after year started to come out, but not in a nice way, because I still wasn't able to handle this because I only knew how to repress and hold back what was hurting me.
Because of this, two years of anxiety, depression, panic, derealization, hopelessness followed. I often was so desperate that I just wanted to end it all, but I kept going, and now I know that it was worth it.

Fast forward to now... this summer, a new girl moved into my flat, and shortly after we fell in love... It was so intense and beautiful, I never experienced anything like that before. Then she went home to visit her family for two weeks, and after this time she fell out of love. I was (and still am extremely sad and hurt), and was really afraid that this would throw me to the ground again (like it happened last year with another girl).
Well, after the break-up (which was three days ago), she wasn't much in the flat, and my mind kept going in circles, switching from fear to anger, desperation, depression, anxiety. If I wouldn't live with so many amazing and loving people (we are 9 people in this flat), I don't know what I would have done...

To come to the point now...

Yesterday, after I came home from university I felt so crappy and depressed, more than in a long fucking time, but I learned to roll with that kind of feelings because of what happened to me regarding my trip and my mental health problems.
In the evening I needed some air, so I took my music player and my juggling balls, to go to a spot I could juggle at. I listened to a very emotionally intense album by the band Dinosaur Jr., and juggled like mad for approx. 45 min. I felt sick and awful, and all the negativity inside my mind started to form a blob which was pushing "outside".
Then I decided to go home, and when I walked the street, one song came up, and when the melody started, everything came out and I felt all the sadness and frustration and unhappiness at once. Not only because of the breakup but about my life and all the suffering I had to endure since I can remeber. It was completely overwhelming and intense.
But the something changed. The sadness was still there. The pain was still there. But all of a sudden, I also felt happiness. Something inside me told me following, completely sincere and honest: "you are unhappy, you suffer, you want to be different. but it is not your fault, you are doing the right thing, you are a good person". And whatever part of me that was, it really meant it. I never ever experienced that much empathy for myself. Tears started to flow immediately, and I was overwhelmed once more, but this time with a feeling of positivity (while still being sad, but accepting it)
when I came home, I went into my room, I had to lie down for a while, to come down. and I cried more. the I went into the kitchen, where I met some of my roomies. I told one of them (who is an amazing being) what happened, when we went outside to get something, and afterwards, back in the flat, I vaped a bowl with them and we had so many good and honest conversations, and I could freely speak about myself and my emotions.
Then everybody went to bed, and I also fell asleep and I had the best sleep in a long time.

Writing this, I am still crying, but the feeling of positivity hasn't changed. I am sad and I am happy. something seems to make sense now.

This is my story. I hope that some of you also have something to share. much love

PS: this is the song which initiated the experience, enjoy:

 

[-=SS=-]

I'll share one of my own, and one I brought forward in my ex-gf.

My ex: She was 18, never done any drugs or alcohol, and it makes me smile to think she experienced this.. and for me to be there with her during it. Basically we had been together a few weeks and she had revealed to me her past.. abusive relationship with someone her own age and rape that had happened during that relationship (with someone else), to which that boyfriend was less than caring and basically tried to "re-brand" her. There were a lot of other issues too. I was the first person she had opened up to about this, she had kept it all bottled up inside and it was obviously affecting her greatly.

So we were lying there naked and I made her recount her rape experience to me in as much detail as she could. We both cried. She told me that seeing me cry really touched her, it gave her the knowledge that there are people out there who do care. It was very liberating for her. So then I put on some Bob Marley music to lift our spirits a bit. During one of the songs, I think 'One Love', something about the music or lyrics triggered a deep release in her. She began laughing.. and couldn't stop laughing.. and she didn't know why she was. After awhile the laughter subsided and she was just trembling all over, teary eyed and smiling. She said she felt really light and like something had been lifted from her. I held her close. She told me she could feel waves of ecstasy flowing from me and over her, and when she closed her eyes she could see some kind of golden light inside her and within me. This is from a girl who had no experience of psychedelics or anything.. and I'm laying there smiling and a bit jealous haha.. it was really beautiful to share that experience with her though. She went home to her dorm later that night, said she never slept so well, and was generally feeling fantastic. Then she took a nap the following day and the pleasurable state faded much to her disappointment, but she still felt free. Fast forward 2.5 years and she had healed from most of her other issues.. and realized that didn't need me any more, cheated on me, and left me with a great deal of pain.


Mine: I could post my kundalini experience which I had whilst sober, but I think I'll opt for a different one this time.. one which took place under the influence of some pretty strong cannabis.. which has more in common with your experience OP, as the kundalini one is an entirely different thing.

Basically I hadn't smoked in some time, like months, and came into some super silver haze or something potent. I had one fat joint under the stars and I knew at the end of the joint I was going to whitey and I better find a horizontal surface quickly haha. I retreated to my bed and lay there. I didn't whitey, but I was immobile.. and I started having a vision. This wasn't just colours or patterns though.. it became a realization. All I remember now is seeing all these faces whiz past my minds eye before me, like every person I'd ever met or seen. They flicked through at incredible speed, all of their essence tangible, I could feel all of them. Then it got to my face.. and it was incredibly painful. Like it really shocked me to see myself like that. I realized all of my flaws, my neurotic behavior patterns, how other people perceive me, and it struck deep inside because I knew it was all true. I perceived a voice, not audibly, but distinct in my mind, which said "You are your own worst enemy". It hurt. A lot. But like your experience OP I also knew that it was OK.. that we're products of our environment and situation.. and that deep down I was trying, struggling against it all.

I wasn't really left with joy or a release.. just a knowledge that I seen myself and I wasn't as grand as I thought I was, but that it was OK. It felt like something false about myself had been released after that experience, or I'd become a little more humble or something. There have been other episodes where I've seen deeply into myself like that, without cannabis or substances. Usually they're accompanied by great pain and sadness too.

 

[Bagseed]

^ thanks for sharing...

 

[herbavore]

When I was a little girl I was very anxious. We moved constantly and I was always the new kid in some new state where everything was different. I basically hid behind my outgoing older sister and didn't speak or engage with anyone outside the family. I felt a lot of sadness and fear. Still, I had what I can only describe as rapturous states of deep peace and happiness throughout my childhood. These always seemed to come when I was alone in nature. Long before psychedelics came into my life, I experienced those states of 'oneness' though I never thought of them as such.

Last year I had *this experience*. I have had these moments of grace throughout the almost 4 years since Caleb died; moments where all the grief and guilt and anguish fall away in the face of something larger which can only be described as peace. It does not negate sadness, it simply steps outside of it, much like those experiences I had when I was little.

I think that it is so wonderful that you had this experience, Bagseed. I think that most of us have to struggle for self acceptance--this culture, and the unwitting families within its clutches, are intent on creating the opposite. When it happens, even briefly, it becomes so clear that it is a choice we are free to make.

P.S. Love the song

 

[Bagseed]

hey herbavore

I read your story right now and it is so beautiful and sad and full of positivity, it brought me to tears.

I am still in awe about what I've experienced, and everytime I think about it or tell somebody about it, I will cry. I am so extremely humbled. I am not healed or fixed in any way, but I believe that this was one of the most important events in my personal developement...
For the first time in a really long time, I am truly happy that I exist and that there are so many amazing people around me who I love. It's not a blind euphoria/happiness where I just deny what's going on. I see myself and I feel okay with it. I resurrected a part of me which was buried very deep inside and now it finally can breathe.

I know that this feeling will change,get less intense, but I will do my best to remind myself of the part of me which loves myself. and I hope that on my way, I will inspire others to seek for the same thing.

PS: I still remeber our PM conversation when I was suicidal a couple months ago. I felt really understood and I want to thank you again for that.

PPS: another song:

 

[swilow]

Then I decided to go home, and when I walked the street, one song came up, and when the melody started, everything came out and I felt all the sadness and frustration and unhappiness at once. Not only because of the breakup but about my life and all the suffering I had to endure since I can remeber. It was completely overwhelming and intense.
But the something changed. The sadness was still there. The pain was still there. But all of a sudden, I also felt happiness. Something inside me told me following, completely sincere and honest: "you are unhappy, you suffer, you want to be different. but it is not your fault, you are doing the right thing, you are a good person". And whatever part of me that was, it really meant it. I never ever experienced that much empathy for myself. Tears started to flow immediately, and I was overwhelmed once more, but this time with a feeling of positivity (while still being sad, but accepting it)
when I came home, I went into my room, I had to lie down for a while, to come down. and I cried more. the I went into the kitchen, where I met some of my roomies. I told one of them (who is an amazing being) what happened, when we went outside to get something, and afterwards, back in the flat, I vaped a bowl with them and we had so many good and honest conversations, and I could freely speak about myself and my emotions.
Then everybody went to bed, and I also fell asleep and I had the best sleep in a long time.

Writing this, I am still crying, but the feeling of positivity hasn't changed. I am sad and I am happy. something seems to make sense now.

I can sort of relate, I had a similar upbringing to you.
I just wanted to say that I had a big smile on my face reading this.





I don't have much more 2 say....

 

[Bagseed]

thanks man.