some kind of excuse

[colicolo]

how does she break-my-heart
without even breaking her smile
she used me and only spent her flirt
i am just another 'free trial'

when she danced away
my left ventricle blew
and now All That Remains
is a dark hole straight through

she blew me a kiss
from another mans lips
torturing me with a memory
of those swift swaying hips

I would have eaten her alive
if she'd just stay still
in a game-of-hearts
she was out for the kill

i wasn't out of my league
just out of the game
for my true soul
all she had was pain

time to let it go
time to forgive and forget
the silk she missed out on
is gonna fill her regret

 

[up all night]

I hope one day she realises what she's missed.

 

[New]

I liked how you turned it around at the end.

Very cutting stuff.

 

[breakyaself]

I absolutely love this.

 

[wastedwalrus]

It progresses from bitter pain to an almost content resentment... like you know that she is the one who has lost. You use a lot of techniques (I'm apprehensive to call them devices but they essentially are) to illustrate the schism between you and your subject. It makes the poem an even more powerful expression of the event... an event that I hope did not happen to you.

Favorite stanza:
"she blew me a kiss
from another mans lips
torturing me with a memory
of those swift swaying hips"

For some reason that stanza pops out as the strongest and the greatest embodiment of the emotions.

I love this poem and you're extremely talented in connected with your reader... allowing him/her to feel or revisit the very emotions you write.

Awesome

 

[katmeow]

she blew me a kiss
from another mans lips
torturing me with a memory
of those swift swaying hips

I dug that stanza too.

 

[Baker]

I really liked this line
"my left ventricle blew"

fits in really nicely with the poem, while remaining unique and succinct
I can relate to the pain.

 

[D4sl33p3r]

Nice work buddy.......the free trial line was particularly strong....made me feel it.

 

[SpellmanT7]

Strength and remarkable polish : you should be on the shelf colicolo.

 

[breakyaself]

I am still in love with this piece.

I especially love the first stanza.

 

[doofqueen]

This is a great piece. Very moving.

 

[FixXxer]

painful.. but i like to see lessons learned in the end.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I would have eaten her alive
if she'd just stay still
in a game-of-hearts
she was out for the kill

I loved this double entendre.

 

[echo off]

when i read this last week it was so powerful i couldn't comment. now all i can say is thankyou

 

[IXinX]

You are upset at the loss but you are also resolved to believe that it is her loss also. I gather that writing this made you realize it too.