Yes, I would have to agree. I remember reading your posts about detoxing/the difficulty of staying off dope in TDS bad when I was just starting to get really addicted myself.
I second cire. Get on a good program of Suboxone, ideally, or methadone if you must, and just focus on that and only that until you feel comfy with your dose. Then start addressing the other issues in your life.
In my case DXM/NMDA antagonists + piracetam/racetam helped with the detox/induction onto sub maintainence immensely, and I largely have those two medicines (although certainly the bupe is also a BIG help; still, for the first two weeks I was clean before I got on subs DXM and piracetam provided me with a form of support that is indescribably constructive, so there is some potential in them) to thank for my ongoing sobriety and lack of depression/anxiety (the change is amazing). itsok mentions this. I would suggest you try it if you haven't already. I mean, shit friend, you've been around the block and then some. I feel for you, but at the same time I can't imagine your state given the shit you have to deal w/ and that you have put yourself through.
Regardless jake, with enough support, you CAN beat this thing. I am certain of that. I know you've tried a lot already, but you have to keep trying. If you give up you can be sure there is no longer any possibility of success. You just gotta keep try'n: try, try, and try again. I promise you, it will eventually work. You'll find the magic combo, the right people, a good place, etc. etc. as I have, after struggling myself for about a year-six months (again, know it's nothing next to what you've been through, but I can relate).
Just remember: YOU CAN do it! Fuck yea fuck yea! If you can get that message into your head, eventually you get the results out of it that you're looking for. Eventually, I promise you, things will be okay. Who knows, you'll probably still have your struggles ahead, but one day you'll wake up and be like, "Wow, something just clicked in my brain. Fucking doing that shit. I'm BETTER than that! I deserve MORE!!!."
