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So, you're leaving... Goodbye...

E-girl

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 23, 1999
Messages
4,525
Location
PA, USA
I'll never forget the way it felt at exactly 2:04 a.m. last night,
When the realization that you're leaving finally kicked in,
Even though I've known it for a few weeks now.
Laying there on the same futon that we had made love on a million times,
Watching some stupid late-night sitcom on tv,
I was wearing a white tank top and white jogging pants,
You had on a black "Doc's Gym" shirt and black boxer shorts
And your hair smelled like cucumber melon.
You put your arm around me and rested your head on the back of my neck,
And i squeezed my eyes closed, savoring the feeling
Around the same time that i felt my throat burn and my eyes water
And my soul shatter.

I remember how a year and a half ago you had all these big plans
To move to Florida
And you used to talk about them all the time
And the more i got to like you, the more i didnt want you to go,
And the more you talked about going.
I remember how i used to force a smile and pretend to be happy for you,
That you were getting to do what you always wanted,
But inside, i was trying to figure out what i was going to do without you.
And it was like that last night
Trying to force a smile,
And trying hard not to fall apart.

I'm afriad of so many things...
I know its not goodbye forever,
Just for a few weeks, or a few months,
Until you do this one thing...
But i'm afriad that you won't want to come back
I'm afriad that i'll never see you again
And i'm afriad that you won't think of me,
And something great will happen to you out there
That makes you leave this... leave me... behind.

I was trying to memorize the look on your face,
As you looked past me and stared intently at the tv
And it made me sad that you're leaving tomorrow
And you don't have anything to say to me now
This image of you, can it be enough to get me through all those nights,
When you are far away, in some other bed,
In some other world where i am not.
I inhale the scent of your just-washed shirt
And hope that i will be able to fall asleep to it
Even when you're not here, for me to lay my head upon your chest
And who will make fun of me for snoring,
And who will make the day a little more bearable by cuddling those last 5 minutes with me in the morning?

I wish i could say, dont go...
But there's this whole world out there that needs you to discover it,
And you have your opportunity.
I don't want to be that girl that kept you from living your dreams,
I just wanted so badly to be part of them.
I know you will be back, even though the days of waiting for your return will be long,
But its so hard to say goodbye now,
Not knowing where our hearts will be the next time we embrace.
I want to say all these things which sound great in my head,
But are too foolish to say out loud,
Like... "dont fall in love out there" or "miss me"
But they are all fears that i have
And i dont know if a postcard, or a random phone call that i'll probably miss,
Can compensate.

This place, where we met, which brought us together in some strange way,
Is now the reason you are leaving tomorrow,
And i hate it for that.
You were my one real thing here...
My one thing worth sticking it out for,
And tomorrow, i will wake up in this bed alone.
I've counted the stitches in your shirt sleeve,
And memorized the lines in your face,
And made note of every hair on your head
And there's nothing else for me to do than turn away now,
And try to fall asleep.
I always dreaded the day i would have to say goodbye to you,
And even though it just makes me love you all the more,
I'm so afriad to let you go out there,
All alone, without me.
Who will take care of you out there....

Kiss your forehead one last time as you sleep.
I guess nothing i say can make you stay.
I'd count the days until you come back,
But you don't know when that will be.
All i've got here is the hope that it will be sooner,
Rather than later,
Rather than never.
I'll think about you every day,
And this side of the bed, where you used to be,
Will be empty.

Until then...
goodbye.
 
very, vey deep hun!
Could you possibly print that up and give it to him, as a reminder of what's at home?

Nothing more I can say but good luck.
 
*hugs*

Thanking you again for letting us into your soul. Such a sad time though, but at least it will give you something to look forward to.. or will let you move on a little bit.

I agree with BlueAdonis- show him what you have written... show him ALL of the stuff you have written. Im sure he will greatly appreciate it... more than you may think.

Change CAN be good... why not try something new for yourself? Friends come and go, love cames and goes aswell... new things can be good, hard at first- but once you yourself are out there, it will be easier to move through life and move on.
 
Sweetie. I really feel your heartbreak in this one. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I've been there myself and I know there's nothing that can be said. I want to remind you of something I once wrote: "sometimes it takes more strength to hold on, but sometimes it takes more strength to let go." I know it's cliche, but if it's meant to be, then I truly believe no matter how much time and distance separate you from the one you love, that person WILL return to you. Sometimes you never truly realize what you had or how much you loved someone until they're gone. I hope this will happen for him (because I know you already realize these things) and that he will return to you a stronger, better person, if he's the right one for you. I also agree with Taliana and BA- why not print this out and give it to him? I'm sure it would really touch his heart. Much luv to ya girl.

~*~kimmy~*~
 
Chrissy...its ange. I want to reply under my own name but for some reason i can't, and no one is around to help me! Anyway, i couldn't wait till later to reply, so i am gonna do it now. Besides, i doubt dave would mind since i know he could relate to this piece as much as i do.

When i read this my heart really literally ached. I am so familiar with the feeling you are having right now. There were so many times when i hopped on a plane (vice versa) and felt so uncertain where the next few months were going to take our relationship. I was always so scared we wouldn't get through it, he would find someone better than me...our lives would take different roads and even though we love each other things could possible change. I'll never forget when we found out he was in trouble, and then he got sent away and i was left so alone and so heartbroken and so crazy. I didn't know what to do with myself. Every single time we said goodbye i didn't know what to do with myself. Everyone thought it was this grand love story and in all honesty it wasn't so grand at all. It was hard and i was having these feelings of just being lost in the middle of no where.

I know our stories are very different, and i know i kinda got off on a tangent here BUT in some way i know what you are feeling and i NEEDED to tell you that. You are so strong, and during the next few months (even though things may feels chaotic inside your heart) you will realize your strength more than ever.

Things may turn the way you like, and then there is the chance that they won't...but always remember you are you and you are amazing.

Love you.
Ange
 
He left this morning.

So, he left at 9:36 this morning.

Last night i sat there miserable, watching him pack. Watching him pack his new, clean, still-in-the-bag uniforms. It really sucked. He fell asleep around 2, and i had already told my frieind jeremy to call my cell at 3, so i would hear it and wake up to do a few things while he was sleeping. His packed bags were on the floor, still open. There is this floppy stuffed dog that i gave him when we first started dating -- his name is Flopper -- and i packed him carefully underneath the shirts, so that this little stow-away could bring him some familiar comfort at night. I also packed a few items i knew he would forget... some nice-smelling body wash, a new tube of toothpaste, a pack of pens, some Sour Patch Kids (his favorite), 3 calling cards, a six-pack of Aquafina (which he will drink in literally, an hour), a CD that i made him, and a little card for him to find and read when he got there. I also got him a little baby peppermill (my boyfriend is a server/bartendar/trainer at TGIF also and the peppermill is his BABY -- he is absolutely OBSESSED with it, you have to understand) that i thought only HE could really appreciate. Finally, i sprinkled a handful of glitter into the bag, which 1) he's going to kill me for, and 2) will probably still make him smile and 3) will remind him of me whenever he finds one of those pesky specks of glitter in his clothes.

I didn't sleep much. I just couldn't hold onto him tight enough. It was really depressing when the sun came up. Then his alarm went off and he hit snooze and wrapped his arms around me for a few minutes, and no matter how HARD i tried i couldn't help the tears that i felt falling out of my sleepless eyes. He got up, packed the rest of his stuff, gave me one of those one-eyebrow looks when he saw the glitter, and then did something that really surprised me... he picked up GlitterBear and packed her, gently in his bag. (GlitterBear is one of those Build-a-Bear gifts that i got him, with my voice inside, and every time you press its paw it says, in my voice "Hi, i'm GlitterBear, every time you hug me, think of your glittergirl"). People are gonna think he's nuts when they see him pulling all these stuffed animals out of his bag, lol.

I grabbed one of his just-washed shirts out of his clean laundry pile and took it with me, and its now on the big Stitch that he bought me, so i can try to fall asleep to the scent of it, the only thing that relaxes me when i get out of work late at night and cant sleep. He gave me the biggest hug and promised he would be back... and that he would call. He was so confident. It was reassuring. He kissed my forehead and i can still feel it. Then i watched him get in his truck and drive away. And all i feel is... empty.

I didn't give him a printed copy of this. I think that everything he needs to know, i've already said. And i'm sure whatever words couldn't say, he probably saw in my tear-filled eyes this morning. I'm going to be optimistic... he wrote me this email last year when i was on vacation and he stayed at home,... it ended with "our reunion will be that much sweeter, after we've been marinating in expectation"... and it was. So, i'm going to look forward to that day, and whatever happens, happens. I love him, and that will be enough for me til he gets back.
 
((hug)). oh honey, this reads so painfully. The first few weeks will be the absolute worst, though....especially when you are so used to sleeping next to someone every night...just keep in touch often with him, and i honestly hope that he misses you terribly and then comes home to you (or you to him?) much sooner than is anticipated...
<3
 
I just wanted so badly to be part of them.
I know you will be back, even though the days of waiting for your return will be long,
But its so hard to say goodbye now,
Not knowing where our hearts will be the next time we embrace.
I want to say all these things which sound great in my head,
But are too foolish to say out loud,
Like... "dont fall in love out there" or "miss me"
But they are all fears that i have
And i dont know if a postcard, or a random phone call that i'll probably miss,
Can compensate.
 
E-girl said:

I didn't sleep much. I just couldn't hold onto him tight enough. It was really depressing when the sun came up. Then his alarm went off and he hit snooze and wrapped his arms around me for a few minutes, and no matter how HARD i tried i couldn't help the tears that i felt falling out of my sleepless eyes...

I grabbed one of his just-washed shirts out of his clean laundry pile and took it with me, and its now on the big Stitch that he bought me, so i can try to fall asleep to the scent of it, the only thing that relaxes me when i get out of work late at night and cant sleep.

wow...this was excellent. its emotions you develop and feel through this are amazing hun. it gave me a feeling of longiness and heart ache to feel whats been written. i truely liked it. *hugs*
 
chrissy

you made me cry, i been there,,,, i know many have known that feeling of someone leaving,,,, it always seems harder on the one that is left behind,,,,

my heart is with you girl,,,, mwah

thinking of you!
 
You write words that the whole world can not only hear, but relate to. You've endeared yourself to a board of somewhat jaded drug users and I'll admit that I can never wait to hear what you have to say next.

You are loved. :)
 
I remember once a long time ago...a girlfriend left me to study abroad in france. I knew i wouldn't see her for 7 months. That nite was so sad. We didn't sleep at all...we stayed up all nite because we wanted to spend every last minute together. The next day was my college graduation...and i slept through most of it.

I hope you're ok. I hope you find the strength to know that he will come back.
 
i remember this feeling all to well. A couple of months ago my b/f of four years were on the verge of splittin up...it was the worst feeling ever...so much stress, feeling of not having that connection with one another anymore, the fighting....well he ended up having to go to canada with his job...and i just had all these emotions....just knowing that when he got back we wouldn't be together...that my chapter was over with him. He was to be there for 2 weeks but ended up being a month. We had not even spent a weekend apart since we were together...
When he got back we missed each other so much, and we worked so many things out...and things happened on both ends that made us realize how special "us" was. Things haven't been better....
I am a firm believer that distance will help the heart heal. Either way, u will make it through...and other things will fill that void. Some good and some bad but either way u find the truth in the relationship.
Be strong and keep urself busy ...the time will go by so quickly...
 
holy fuck. WIthout realising it you have sumed up exactly how i will feel at the end of next year. Only it will be i who is leaving.

It's always me who's leaving, but for once, and thanks to your poem, i can see it from the other side.

He'll be back. If he is all that you seem to think that he is, then he'll be back.
 
I am a firm believer that distance will help the heart heal. Either way, u will make it through...and other things will fill that void. Some good and some bad but either way u find the truth in the relationship.

This was the best thing i have heard all week...

hope your doing good sweetheart.
 
now why'd you have to go and make me cry! hehe

its 5 in the morn and i cant sleep , now im going to look all red eyed like ive been out drinking.

i am truly glad you seem to have found some one amazing, although very sad he is leaving. use this time for some self love and growth. it can be hard to do when you are with someone, but necessary, so even though this hurts...it can be for the greater good in the long run.

xoxo
christal
 
wow

Very hearfelt and moving... That is about all I can add to what everyone else has said.

Best of wishes!
 
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