griffenspade
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 19, 2010
- Messages
- 43
I really really really love rolling. I mean I LOVE it more than anything else in the world. It re-connects me to humankind in the most profound levels.
I have always realized i have had sociopathic traits, had quite a strange/fucked up, childhood, now im 22 years old, I feel like im falling into my place in life.
Empathogens/Psychedelic drugs have allowed me self-realization that i never thought would be possible. I'v gotten most of my juvinile record expunged, and I'v got off adult probation at 20 yrs old. Im free from the justice system, and became everybody's smiling image of sucess.
Looking back I can honestly say, Im doing good according to western capitalism's "citizen standards" Im now a white collar salesman, at a real estate brokerage firm.
My sociopathic traits, which teachers and therapists considered problematic, now the company loves, as most people who are really good salesmen, I believe are "sucessful sociopaths"
Rolling gives me a "sacred time" I think its the only time I can genuinely love others, and the world. I takes all my defenses down that i need in normal life. It feels so incrediblly liberating compared to the rest of my life, which I feel almost plays out like a mafia saga, I come from a famliy that looks fairly sucessful in appearance, but quite disfunctional when seen from the inside out.
AND the rest of the circumstances I am faced feels the same.
Anyways, the more I roll, the more I feel like the time spent rolling should be "the real world" and sobriety feels like a hell I have to come back to after those few magical hours.
Almost every day, I think, how can I make this last forever?? I am starting to become obessed with this idea, Iv taken hundreds of rolls, and I understand the science behind it. I know I cannot make it last forever. Our neuro-chemistry is not built for it. But I constantly think.......what if?
I'v had a pretty bad psychotic break from candiflipping after a multi-day binge. I NEVER want to repeat that.
But the idea haunts me all the time. What if this was FOREVER? What If I could feel like this forever? What if everybody in the world can feel this way FOREVER? I keep thinking to myself there must be a WAY.......
Honestly I'm scared. I know I have very little to complain about, alot of people on this fourm are in worst spots than me. But on the inside I feel like im going insane.
I try and try to keep my perfect plastic life together, I try to look good for my friends and family, I try to appear in the image of competence and perfection for my clients. But I slowly feel it unravel like a house of cards.
These drugs have given me a incredible level of charisma. I can talk anybody into signing anything, it feels like I have this little bubble of reality bending powers, where when people interact with me they are sucked into my mind-frame. They can see my vision, love my ideas, hang on every word.
That is what MDMA did for me, I understand trance/altered states, after giving alot of lightshows at raves, I can now look into the eyes of a client and know exactly when their eyes glass over, and they are in trance, focusing on my movement, every word, every beat, their minds in sync. They are -READY TO BUY!
I grew up an angery/sad/bitter kid, but right now at 22 yrs old, I feel like I am walking through life with the word of god, able to seduce a family into buying a house over a telephone, and one day to seduce a nation with a microphone.
At the same time I am terrified at what I am becoming, I have wanted this from day one, its what my family wants for me. I come from an asian family who only wants their children to climb to the heights of finanical/social/political power. They are relentless about achievement.
But I dont know, I feel like I'm messing with something I shouldnt have, Like promethus who stole fire from the greek gods, I am overstepping my bounds, I am heaviily obbessed with experiencing the innocence of Esctasy, for the world to be made anew and child-like. I really miss the innoence, the joy and simple fun.
I dont know, I'm doing great right now, but im afraid it will slip one day. I'm afraid I will dissapoint everybody, MDMA gave me this gift, this ability to be well like and loved by everybody around me, with what im doing right now, being well liked and loved, can transform into massive finanical sucess and I want it to last forever, to never let it go. But it also feels like it is exerting its grip on my mind. I dont know anymore.
I have always realized i have had sociopathic traits, had quite a strange/fucked up, childhood, now im 22 years old, I feel like im falling into my place in life.
Empathogens/Psychedelic drugs have allowed me self-realization that i never thought would be possible. I'v gotten most of my juvinile record expunged, and I'v got off adult probation at 20 yrs old. Im free from the justice system, and became everybody's smiling image of sucess.
Looking back I can honestly say, Im doing good according to western capitalism's "citizen standards" Im now a white collar salesman, at a real estate brokerage firm.
My sociopathic traits, which teachers and therapists considered problematic, now the company loves, as most people who are really good salesmen, I believe are "sucessful sociopaths"
Rolling gives me a "sacred time" I think its the only time I can genuinely love others, and the world. I takes all my defenses down that i need in normal life. It feels so incrediblly liberating compared to the rest of my life, which I feel almost plays out like a mafia saga, I come from a famliy that looks fairly sucessful in appearance, but quite disfunctional when seen from the inside out.
AND the rest of the circumstances I am faced feels the same.
Anyways, the more I roll, the more I feel like the time spent rolling should be "the real world" and sobriety feels like a hell I have to come back to after those few magical hours.
Almost every day, I think, how can I make this last forever?? I am starting to become obessed with this idea, Iv taken hundreds of rolls, and I understand the science behind it. I know I cannot make it last forever. Our neuro-chemistry is not built for it. But I constantly think.......what if?
I'v had a pretty bad psychotic break from candiflipping after a multi-day binge. I NEVER want to repeat that.
But the idea haunts me all the time. What if this was FOREVER? What If I could feel like this forever? What if everybody in the world can feel this way FOREVER? I keep thinking to myself there must be a WAY.......
Honestly I'm scared. I know I have very little to complain about, alot of people on this fourm are in worst spots than me. But on the inside I feel like im going insane.
I try and try to keep my perfect plastic life together, I try to look good for my friends and family, I try to appear in the image of competence and perfection for my clients. But I slowly feel it unravel like a house of cards.

These drugs have given me a incredible level of charisma. I can talk anybody into signing anything, it feels like I have this little bubble of reality bending powers, where when people interact with me they are sucked into my mind-frame. They can see my vision, love my ideas, hang on every word.
That is what MDMA did for me, I understand trance/altered states, after giving alot of lightshows at raves, I can now look into the eyes of a client and know exactly when their eyes glass over, and they are in trance, focusing on my movement, every word, every beat, their minds in sync. They are -READY TO BUY!
I grew up an angery/sad/bitter kid, but right now at 22 yrs old, I feel like I am walking through life with the word of god, able to seduce a family into buying a house over a telephone, and one day to seduce a nation with a microphone.
At the same time I am terrified at what I am becoming, I have wanted this from day one, its what my family wants for me. I come from an asian family who only wants their children to climb to the heights of finanical/social/political power. They are relentless about achievement.
But I dont know, I feel like I'm messing with something I shouldnt have, Like promethus who stole fire from the greek gods, I am overstepping my bounds, I am heaviily obbessed with experiencing the innocence of Esctasy, for the world to be made anew and child-like. I really miss the innoence, the joy and simple fun.
I dont know, I'm doing great right now, but im afraid it will slip one day. I'm afraid I will dissapoint everybody, MDMA gave me this gift, this ability to be well like and loved by everybody around me, with what im doing right now, being well liked and loved, can transform into massive finanical sucess and I want it to last forever, to never let it go. But it also feels like it is exerting its grip on my mind. I dont know anymore.