Sign of a Problem?

[griffenspade]

I really really really love rolling. I mean I LOVE it more than anything else in the world. It re-connects me to humankind in the most profound levels.

I have always realized i have had sociopathic traits, had quite a strange/fucked up, childhood, now im 22 years old, I feel like im falling into my place in life.

Empathogens/Psychedelic drugs have allowed me self-realization that i never thought would be possible. I'v gotten most of my juvinile record expunged, and I'v got off adult probation at 20 yrs old. Im free from the justice system, and became everybody's smiling image of sucess.

Looking back I can honestly say, Im doing good according to western capitalism's "citizen standards" Im now a white collar salesman, at a real estate brokerage firm.

My sociopathic traits, which teachers and therapists considered problematic, now the company loves, as most people who are really good salesmen, I believe are "sucessful sociopaths"

Rolling gives me a "sacred time" I think its the only time I can genuinely love others, and the world. I takes all my defenses down that i need in normal life. It feels so incrediblly liberating compared to the rest of my life, which I feel almost plays out like a mafia saga, I come from a famliy that looks fairly sucessful in appearance, but quite disfunctional when seen from the inside out.
AND the rest of the circumstances I am faced feels the same.

Anyways, the more I roll, the more I feel like the time spent rolling should be "the real world" and sobriety feels like a hell I have to come back to after those few magical hours.

Almost every day, I think, how can I make this last forever?? I am starting to become obessed with this idea, Iv taken hundreds of rolls, and I understand the science behind it. I know I cannot make it last forever. Our neuro-chemistry is not built for it. But I constantly think.......what if?

I'v had a pretty bad psychotic break from candiflipping after a multi-day binge. I NEVER want to repeat that.

But the idea haunts me all the time. What if this was FOREVER? What If I could feel like this forever? What if everybody in the world can feel this way FOREVER? I keep thinking to myself there must be a WAY.......

Honestly I'm scared. I know I have very little to complain about, alot of people on this fourm are in worst spots than me. But on the inside I feel like im going insane.

I try and try to keep my perfect plastic life together, I try to look good for my friends and family, I try to appear in the image of competence and perfection for my clients. But I slowly feel it unravel like a house of cards.

These drugs have given me a incredible level of charisma. I can talk anybody into signing anything, it feels like I have this little bubble of reality bending powers, where when people interact with me they are sucked into my mind-frame. They can see my vision, love my ideas, hang on every word.

That is what MDMA did for me, I understand trance/altered states, after giving alot of lightshows at raves, I can now look into the eyes of a client and know exactly when their eyes glass over, and they are in trance, focusing on my movement, every word, every beat, their minds in sync. They are -READY TO BUY!

I grew up an angery/sad/bitter kid, but right now at 22 yrs old, I feel like I am walking through life with the word of god, able to seduce a family into buying a house over a telephone, and one day to seduce a nation with a microphone.

At the same time I am terrified at what I am becoming, I have wanted this from day one, its what my family wants for me. I come from an asian family who only wants their children to climb to the heights of finanical/social/political power. They are relentless about achievement.

But I dont know, I feel like I'm messing with something I shouldnt have, Like promethus who stole fire from the greek gods, I am overstepping my bounds, I am heaviily obbessed with experiencing the innocence of Esctasy, for the world to be made anew and child-like. I really miss the innoence, the joy and simple fun.

I dont know, I'm doing great right now, but im afraid it will slip one day. I'm afraid I will dissapoint everybody, MDMA gave me this gift, this ability to be well like and loved by everybody around me, with what im doing right now, being well liked and loved, can transform into massive finanical sucess and I want it to last forever, to never let it go. But it also feels like it is exerting its grip on my mind. I dont know anymore.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi griffinspade, I remember feeling the same way when I was using/abusing MDMA. It became the thing I loved the most in the whole world and pretty soon it lost its magic and it was ruined for me. I just used it too much, and the same thing has happened to a LOT of other ecstacy users. So your concerns are very valid. The honeymoon cannot last forever.

You say that MDMA has taught you to be the person you are today, which I believe happened to me as well. But when you're actually selling houses to people, you aren't actually high at the time are you? So you've learned the skills, and you aren't relying on MDMA to make you the salesman that you are. So what I'm trying to say is, without MDMA, you will still be able to be the person you are today. You identity and personality will not be lost if you stop using MDMA.

Drug use can be a really tricky thing to balance, and if you aren't careful you can fall down a slippery slope in to depression and other problems. How often are you using MDMA? Perhaps you could take a break for a few months to see how it feels?

 

[Legerity]

I can really understand where you are coming from, I have also learned a lot from my MDMA experiences. But the thing to remember, like n3o said, is that you don't need to be on the drug to maintain these changes. You can take what you were able to experience the first time because of MDMA, and begin to apply it in your everyday life.

Just try to be honest about your use and evaluate whether you feel it really continues to be something that you are gaining something from.

 

[griffenspade]

No, im not rolling when I sell houses, That would be too hard to manage. Yes I have renlentlessly tried to "bring out" the rolling "state" into my everyday personality.

Having a mildly sociopathic personality allows you to see through the bullshit and stupid little things people do, and distill human interaction to an almost "mathamatical exquation"

I do this with myself too. I know what I want and need in life, and how to get it. I have been able to aggressively incorporate the rolling state into sobriety.

I have built this strange dual personality for myself, where on the surface, I am exreamly happy, playful, and childlike. I am fun, and present the image that I am more innocent and dumber than I actually am, which allows people to smile, laugh and let their guard down. But on the inside I know exactly what is going on. I'm constantly calculating odds, chances and probablity. The world feels like a casino.

This duality has made me a star salesman.

I also study hypnosis, NLP, political and religious rehtoric to make me even better at sales, I watch speeches of famous charaters in history while tripping, to fully comprehend their "mental state" To try to incorporate their words and lifes outlook into mine.

I excersise and run religiously to try to bring back alittle bit of that roll experience. Running really helps, it puts you into this zone, the sweat, rising body temperature, the oxygenated blood to the brain, the intense focus, it helps take the cravings off rolling.

Also the whole real estate sales culture, everybody seems in a perma-roll state. Its why i decided to take that job, everybody is super happy all the time. Or at-least they pretend to be really positive, its not quite a replacement of going to raves, but its one of the most happiest office cultures.

I'm tryiing damn well anything I can, but at the end of the day its not the same, that is why im so scared. I love my life right now, everything seems to be going right, I dont wanna fall.

But on the flip side, being a salesman really fucks up your personality, You are constantly interacting with people, when there are hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line. People are lean, mean and ruthless, and you have to be the same. You only interact with people because they want something from you, and you want something from them. 99% of human interaction becomes that. Its exactly the male version of being a stripper/prostitute.

And as the days wear on, you being to feel like a whore. You get people to like you for money, and I can get people to like me almost down to a Fucking science. I just wished i could use this ability to make real friends, for genuine reasons.

When I look at my phone with well over a thousand contacts, hell I need a damn database to keep track of all the people I know. But I slowly realize I have almost no real friends.

Thats why even-though I try many things to replace it, rolling for me a sacred. Its when the rest of the world melts away, and I can be genuinly happy. It hurts my body, but heals my soul.