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  • AADD Moderators: swilow | Vagabond696

Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Ok caught up with some sick sick friends on the weekend and this is a selection of the jokes I was able to remember. Quite tasteful in my opinion.

Q. What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection??
A. A quater pounder with cheese.

Q. Why do you find cotton buds inside pharmacutical medication bottles?
A. To remind black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.


Beech out
 
had this one emailed to me the other day

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
 
Ok if your easily offended by what some might claim to be racist jokes then don't read on.




Q. Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

A. Because he is black



Q. What would you call the Brady Bunch if they were black?

A. Niggers




Beech out


Seems everyone else has run out of wrongness? C'mon dont tell me I'm the only sick, twisted and wrong person left.
 
I think the racist jokes are offensive personally. I'm sure we can offend each other without being racist.
I know I can :D
 
each to their own i guess. Friend who told me that joke is actually black. So I guess as long as they are taken for what they are then there shouldn't be any problem. I guess thats why they are jokes.

Hey I'm blonde so I've heard plenty of blonde jokes and they dont offend me, i think most of em are funny (some are lame).


Beech out
 
in that case.....

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
 
^^^brilliant!

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction Work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and Cabbage!If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, salad again! If I get a salad sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the salad sandwich, and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage,I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
 
not sure if this has been done..

Q. What did the blind deaf dumb kid get for christmas?
A. Cancer

ahahahahaha
 
Hope this has not been done yet...

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He
walks into a Êbar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come
back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted
to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is
travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and
after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks
if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before
and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes
in, orders a Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if
she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake
some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
Melbourne

So am I... What suburb in Melbourne? Glen Iris he replies
That's amazing... she says, So am I - what Street?
Cameo Street he replies
This is unbelievable... she says,What number?
He says Number 20 and she is totally astonished.
You are not going to believe this but I'm
from Number 22! My parents still live there!

I know... he says, Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you


I liked I hope you did.

Out RS
 
Here are 2 more for all to enjoy.

This was told to me by my boss before doing work on a child care centre......

Q. Whats blue and has sex with children
A.Me in my lucky blue suit.


Two men are in a bar drinking and one turns to the other and says.
-I could have sex with any woman in here.

The Other asks how.

The first replies I'm a rapist.


Hmmmmm
 
I know this thread comes with a disclaimer, but I'll add my own cos I'm coming down like a beeeatch, so not only do I have a messed up sense of political incorrectness, worrying about offending people is a bit beyond me at the moment.

So in conclusion..... sorry to all... :)

Q: Why do Gay guys wear ribbed condoms?
A: For traction in the mud.

Q: Why do tanks in Tiananmen Square have tracked wheels?
A: So they can park on the slopes.

Q: Whats the difference between acne and priests?
A: Acne doesn't normally come on your face until your a teenager.

Q: Why do women get periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think men care.
 
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^^^^^^ dont worry dude, you can feel free to tell those in that redneck town you are in tonight....


but whatever you do, dont look out the window if you hear scratching... i heard your motel room is haunted...
 
I remembered some more

Q: Whats blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A: A Baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What red and yellow and floats in the pool?
A: Floaties with slashed baby.

Q: Whats green and yellow and sits in the bottom of the pool?
A: The same baby.... six months later

Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
A: Throw in the washing

Q: What do you call a leper in a hot bath?
A: Porridge
 
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And despite multiple disclaimers, I have to say, I'm not at all racist, so insert you favourite minority group in place of aboriginal.

Q: What should you throw to a drowning aboriginal?
A: His wife and kids

Q: What do you call an aboriginal with a piece of corrugated iron under his arm?
A: First home buyer

Q: What do you call an aboriginal with 2 pieces of corrugated iron under his arm?
A: Real estate agent

Q: Whats white and lies shaking in the gutter?
A: An aboriginal with the shit kicked out of him

OK I'm done for now... I feel better now for randomly offending people.... well that and the red wine :\
 
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^^^^Brilliant, love it. At last someone else with some true wrongness about them. PP its good to see I'm not the only one with an inapropriate sense of humour. I was starting to think BL was getting to be a bit up tight and PC. Thankyou for restoring my trust in thte BL community! haha


Back to the beer


Beech out
 
/\ /\ /\ /\
Beech, you have to be, by far, the most sick twisted and wrong individual here.

I just wish i could remember jokes - i'd be right in there fighting like a champion!!!! :)
 
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, " Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn
bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
 
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"

and so on and so on and then Greek Says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
 
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