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Deep Sick of it all.

Act in Act out

It seems to be my mind that fucking lies to me hardly.
Like I can talk and see through my own bullshit
but integrating changes or acting upon good chances
havent been my style.
Thats why I sometimes act like a russian with all those
scorched earth tactics just only in my own mind
and online to get the fucking retardism out as fucking quickly
as humanly possible.
 
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Scapegoat

I remember when I had my first taste of drugs
I had just few days earlier gotten my 125cc
motorbike card and I was hyped as fuck
so hyped that I ended up falling of the bike
while driving 90 kmh
luckily my high school classmates parents were driving ahead of me
and saw me fall so they stopped and called ambulance
after the ambulance came I was given a dose
of IV morphine and I asked what was that
they explained it and I asked could I get more
they laughed and gave me few mgs more

you could say that Im a dementia/head trauma case
of antisocial behaviour since my head is fucked up
I hit my head first time when I was four years old
and almost died
Ive read that many antisocial people change
later in life since we mature so slowly
I assume that one of the most important things is
aiming for the universal good while having realistic plans
while I was on benzos all I did was regress
and this year has been good to me since
I have finally started "maturing" eating better
taking more responsibility etc
I want to change but guess its gonna be a long road
before you say anything I do have a conscience
its just weak like me

so weak that I start threads like "bluelight orgy"
since its fucking hard being such a hopeless
romantic in this day and age
like seriously my hopelessness regarding my
romantism is one of the reasons that keeps
me alive and still I act tough
if theres one thing that makes me hard then
its the voice of woman moaning and Ive deluted
myself into thinking Im some kind of a badass and
realised that Im, even sexually, more giver than taker
fuck my contradictive life
all of my friends are down to earth while
Im usually up in the clouds
and its always the 20 years older or
5 years younger women that take an interest
in me and Ive always fucked the relationship
up since Ive behaved so horribly
like literally Ive behaved worse than anyone should
and those fucking flashbacks
yeah
I wish I could still use subutex daily
or just get adhd meds prescribed
since my adhd is horrible as fuck
 
Rubberbandits-Sonny

"He isn't lonely or addicted to drugs
He doesn't owe his mother's money to thugs
He's not an alcoholic
He isn't depressed
And he's gonna break a lot of hearts when he hangs himself

He's not afraid of his past
Or disappointing his wife
He wasn't called a fucking knacker every day of his life
He never lied to his children:
They're better off if he leaves
Cause what he has is a problem
Not a fucking disease
He doesn't think when he's drinking
He doesn't drink to forget
He doesn't drink to remember the smell of drink on her breath
He's middle class and he's white
He has no cause for complaining
He wasn't sexually assaulted by those fellas at training
She doesn't care what they're saying
Ignore the mud that they're slinging
Cause all the noise that's annoying her
Will be gone when she's swinging
He's exhausted from existing so he's taking a breather
And sonny's not committing nothing he's just doing em' a favour


Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
It isn't your time to die

Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
A horrible way to die

He's not ashamed of himself
He's not afraid of his dad
Why would he suck a fucking cock when he has fanny on tap?

She's not addicted to drink
She's not addicted to drink
She's not addicted to sinking pints till her skin starts to stink
He's not as broke as a promise
All the money he's owing
Sonny doesn't need a fucking job where he's going
He's not in love with the seven year old from two houses down
And no one thinks she'd be safer if Sonny hangs or he drowns
He thinks it's hard to be a burden when you're walking on air
So leave a beautiful corpse, with gel in your hair
He's not as strong as the cancer dancing inside of her chest
And he's gonna break a lot of hearts when he hangs himself


Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
It isn't your time to die

Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
Sonny O' Sonny don't go hanging yourself
A horrible way to die

It's always dark before the light but you have to hold onto hope
You are important to someone Sonny, so put down the rope"


 
Whats goin on with you yo?

everday you seem closer to.. to.. mhm.. that's why you have all these trainwreck thoughts, i've been in worse places and I thought that I would choke myself but I didn't, why? I managed to split the Sea in half, left the bad side there and go to the Sun and then because it was way too fuckin bright, I dimmed it for a comfortable light. The kid is still alive in me.

Find something man other than drugs.. I've been sober for 12 fuckin yrs, listen to elder Shady, get sober.
 
Shady's Fox said:
Find something man other than drugs.. I've been sober for 12 fuckin yrs, listen to elder Shady, get sober.
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Been in the dark part for some time now. And despite all the thought's being toned down, for a while. The drug's indeed don't work.

The dependance and all the juggling with how you feel just makes it harder. Atm I am postponing what you actually did, gettin' sober. The fear of feeling 'off' is such a powerfull thought it very much overpower's the fact being freed of bandaid's like drugs is actually a improvement.

Good work Shady, I keep that in mind the upcoming day's. Doing the sober thing and tapering my way out.
 
Ha, theatre yeah, it's a miracle that people keep doing these days, guess we still have some hope left in the world, more or less, a little but still, it's there, dark humor was breed and born in theatre. I remember one time when you were talkin bout that book? If I am right? Dunno exactly what you wanted to write but you brough it up at one point or another. It's fine to be alone and I will tell you this, I have, on fingers, 4! 4 wolves, but I can count with my life on them at any time I have an issue or you know.

I for one, I got away from cities but I have a house in London which it's the last country that I keep visiting, it's has that victorian old 60s jazz vibe which fits Shady's. As for literature.. it's subjective, I am misunderstood genius, I have two notebooks full of poems and I told ya mostly my girl reads them because for me.. it's very hard to read them, to be again in those places.. I accept it but even then it's a constantly drowning sensation, being an artist means sacrificing your honesty for something, mostly money, so it's a big big risk to take and you have to think bout it, when you get it how to balance it.
 
To end this because there's no reason to talk bout Sartre anymore I lay this out, he inspired some horror landscapes too, dunno where I saw, it's that type of shit that you see and cannot unsee. So there's this dude aye, he's sittin on a chair or some with his brain out and then there's a lot of dots of electricity. Geez, it gives me a bit of anxiety, I swear, haha.
 
Reverse depression

Schizo is a man of traditional values
so he balances it with drugs sex and alcohol abuse
hep b from dick bleeding during a fuck marathon
he thinks that aero saab is better than any fucking camaro
hes half a man and half a child
he doesnt always even notice if hes too wild
when he plays he always has his hood on
tunnel vision and hyperfocus are his modus operandi
sometimes when hes thinking even his fucking thoughts rhyme
hes on that autism rap psychosis 50% of time
and hes mentally challenged so he sometimes acts like a troll
he walks to boil water smoke a cig thats his daytime stroll
hes paranoid schizo so he doesnt give a fuck about himself
his thoughts still might live through you so he continues anyway
hes only in debt to the people he likes that actually pretty wild
he did it so hed get drugs and have less stress on his mind
he did it so the people would finally let him be
but the harder he fucking tries the harder its to see
that the people in his life care more about him
that he does of himself his minds sometimes cold place to live
he always had more friends than he felt is possible
he has deleted hundred numbers from his phone in the past three years
and theres this one song on his will thats called celestica and it brings him to tears
 
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Shady's Fox said:
To end this because there's no reason to talk bout Sartre anymore I lay this out, he inspired some horror landscapes too, dunno where I saw, it's that type of shit that you see and cannot unsee. So there's this dude aye, he's sittin on a chair or some with his brain out and then there's a lot of dots of electricity. Geez, it gives me a bit of anxiety, I swear, haha.
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Sartre stresses the responsibility to own your existence. Nausea is a good representation of this idea. I struggled with that and Nietzsche’s The Indigestibility of Experience for many years until I adequately appreciated it.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Appreciate it and I should have had a [disclaimer this refers to ZERO bluelighters] LOL at the top of it ;)

I really should have.

My real life is shit right now thanks to REALITY and I just hate it to the extreme.
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Yeah bro I honestly was just trying to lend an ear, didnt know this was a personal expression post to help you get it out. I had the impression you were on the other side with a snub nose 45 ready to slam the trigger. Best wishes Cap.
 
I just saw few kids yesterday bangin some trap music with some dizzy bitches there.. a car, you know, the usual bullshit you see on the nowadays kidos. The reason they do trap first of all its because they dont have anything to say and $, I mean, what life stories could you possible get from a 20yr? none. So I go to them, I ask where could I get some green? I see they ain't panicked or some, hood jokes you know, anyway 2 of them got their teeths out, for the reason you don't do this shit in my hood, Shady learns kids the hards way.

Fuckin fantasies.. sad kids.
 
Shady's Fox said:
I just saw few kids yesterday bangin some trap music with some dizzy bitches there.. a car, you know, the usual bullshit you see on the nowadays kidos. The reason they do trap first of all its because they dont have anything to say and $, I mean, what life stories could you possible get from a 20yr? none. So I go to them, I ask where could I get some green? I see they ain't panicked or some, hood jokes you know, anyway 2 of them got their teeths out, for the reason you don't do this shit in my hood, Shady learns kids the hards way.

Fuckin fantasies.. sad kids.
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Where do you live in Detroit
 
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