I definately like the style you got goin here penny. Its that short clipped style of writin, not too much flowery over-said runon crap, but still mad descriptive. your writin style is like a fighter with tons of muscle packed into a tiny frame. It kinda got that crime drama style to it, slightly like one of them pulp novels from the 50s, which Kelly seems like a character out of .
The one thing i would change is jus somethin real simple. sometimes the way you be describin shit, sounds almost like a textbook or somethin, like let me find a few examples. but first lemme say, about the quotes below this, Obviously, we know what this shit is, and i was thinkin maybe you did it on purpose to show how foreign this world seems to Kelly, but the wordin of it , the reason im callin it out, is becuz it dont fit with the rest of your writing style. Like i said, you got some compact, information packed sentences, and those ones seem almost unnecessary or somethin.
The first part kinda seems like over explanatory, but maybe not. Its hard to say when youre so far removed from the non druggie world, maybe to a non user that would read pretty well.
LOL, you would never ever expect this comin from me, but theres ONE lil grammar thing I gotta point out there. THe only reason i say this, is cuz my old boss from the newspaper, had this as his lil pet peeve. "BETTER THAN" does not = "more than." Well, accordin to him. I dont really care. but i just thought that you might wanna kno that if you are puttin it to a real publication, becuz apparently "better than" as a way to explain that there is more in quantity, is kinda frowned on in the writing world when it comes to publication in magazines and etc. IDK, but just givin you the heads up on that. I think they prefer you to use "more than" or "over" but thats up ta you.
Maybe you could write like....inbetween druggie and normal style. Iunno, that just sounded like a dictionary definition of the "scene." Oh yea, BTW - You dont need the "currently" since he was already workin on it, so thas redundant.
Anyways,maybe somthin like...."Kelly was working on a sting aimed at a loose confederation of chemists and dealers. These traveling vagabonds [[[Not story: Put in there to show how kellys eyes would view these people]]] were responsible for the synthesis and sale of several different psychedelic drugs that were staples of the nomadic concert tour following scene" or somethin like that. Shit, i suck at writin, i dont know.My shit prolly sounds crappy, but thas just my idea, u feel me?I just was suggestin it becuz Somethin aout the feel of that sentence just didnt fit. It was like a speed bump in the paragraph. just that one tho.
Same for this one, it seems over explanatory about how it would all go down, ya kno? Im only pointin it out cuz its clashin with your steez.
Somethin is just kinda formal or somethin about it, i cant put my finger on it, but i hope you feel me. Its hard to come up with another way of sayin it tho, i know! At least wihtout alienatin ppl who dont know about that whole "tour rat' thing lol.
Ima come back to this soon again wheni got time and re read it if i got any better idea, my head all static right now.
The one thing i would change is jus somethin real simple. sometimes the way you be describin shit, sounds almost like a textbook or somethin, like let me find a few examples. but first lemme say, about the quotes below this, Obviously, we know what this shit is, and i was thinkin maybe you did it on purpose to show how foreign this world seems to Kelly, but the wordin of it , the reason im callin it out, is becuz it dont fit with the rest of your writing style. Like i said, you got some compact, information packed sentences, and those ones seem almost unnecessary or somethin.
The first part kinda seems like over explanatory, but maybe not. Its hard to say when youre so far removed from the non druggie world, maybe to a non user that would read pretty well.
LOL, you would never ever expect this comin from me, but theres ONE lil grammar thing I gotta point out there. THe only reason i say this, is cuz my old boss from the newspaper, had this as his lil pet peeve. "BETTER THAN" does not = "more than." Well, accordin to him. I dont really care. but i just thought that you might wanna kno that if you are puttin it to a real publication, becuz apparently "better than" as a way to explain that there is more in quantity, is kinda frowned on in the writing world when it comes to publication in magazines and etc. IDK, but just givin you the heads up on that. I think they prefer you to use "more than" or "over" but thats up ta you.
Maybe you could write like....inbetween druggie and normal style. Iunno, that just sounded like a dictionary definition of the "scene." Oh yea, BTW - You dont need the "currently" since he was already workin on it, so thas redundant.
Anyways,maybe somthin like...."Kelly was working on a sting aimed at a loose confederation of chemists and dealers. These traveling vagabonds [[[Not story: Put in there to show how kellys eyes would view these people]]] were responsible for the synthesis and sale of several different psychedelic drugs that were staples of the nomadic concert tour following scene" or somethin like that. Shit, i suck at writin, i dont know.My shit prolly sounds crappy, but thas just my idea, u feel me?I just was suggestin it becuz Somethin aout the feel of that sentence just didnt fit. It was like a speed bump in the paragraph. just that one tho.
Same for this one, it seems over explanatory about how it would all go down, ya kno? Im only pointin it out cuz its clashin with your steez.
Somethin is just kinda formal or somethin about it, i cant put my finger on it, but i hope you feel me. Its hard to come up with another way of sayin it tho, i know! At least wihtout alienatin ppl who dont know about that whole "tour rat' thing lol.Ima come back to this soon again wheni got time and re read it if i got any better idea, my head all static right now.
