That is distressing to hear, but not an uncommon story. Needless to say, I'd encourage you to knock off the MA, but also in strong terms to stop the weed, it is
not a good mixture and will make you more prone to both psychosis and depression, although many people take it to "ease the comedown" it's really only blunting it and long term is not good for your mental health especially combined with drugs like MA which already have serious psychotomimetic properties.
I hope you are taking good care of your veins, rotating sites, using fresh needles, etc. I'm not quite sure what you mean by 40-50 "cc" of meth, and I assume by "cc" you mean the units on a usual insulin syringe (which are actually 1/100ths of a cc) but that is a common mistake in how people talk about IV'ing drugs; but it's a liquid measure, not a measure of weight. Hope you are not filling the syringe with actual MA and then shaking it up, I understand this to be a practice among some MA users (but pretty much unheard o in junkies which is the world I've come from; I've only had MA a few times and it was the real deal, 99%+ pure, etc., I know this for a fact for the reasons you would probably assume; and yes, I did IV, and yes, it was incredible, but fortunately, it was only a small batch so I never really did seriously fall for the drug.) But you have to be filtering your drugs.
You said before that you were hesitant about shooting anything from the streets. Now you're doing it daily. It's pretty amazing that you have here a record of your thoughts from two years ago versus your lifestyle and feelings now. It should tell you something.
I'll tell you something, too, either on or off meth right now, you are not a good place to be making objective, long-term decisions; on, because of the messiah-manic-euphoric-sex-god-light complex; off, because you're on a comedown, a crash. Suicide is the ultimate objective, (infinitely) long-term decision. Think of however many years you have lived outside of this cycle, even if other drugs were involved, and think of your perspective now. It has changed. But your ability to make decisions has not. Yes, one of those decisions is suicide, as it always is (if you've read Camus, it
is one of the fundamental decisions that informs our humanity, because we have the choice to end "it," there
is an "it"), and the "it" is worth preserving, at least until you can come to a place of objective decision. But it's the weak man's route.
Whether you decide to quit, or to persevere in using, you are going to be in a dark place, for a while, for a finite amount of time, it takes some real bravery to go through that. That's the strong man's route; you make your decision and you live with your consequences, but you
live with them, and experience them, for if nothing else, it will be an experience.
So I'd ask you to take care of yourself, if you're shooting up, to do a better job in doing it safely; if you're ready, quit, and consider doing so in a facility of some sorts. Most rehabs and 12-step programs are bullshit but if nothing else they are a group of people around you who know what's up. And what's up for you right now is a bad state of mind, a bad subjectivity, so it's not time to make any decisions. Remember that. If you feel that the weak man inside of you is going to give up on life, then it's up to the strong man outside you to seek help, even if that means walking into the E.R. and a few days on the psych ward. You need some controlled intake of some drugs that are going to counter what you're going through and some controlled space, some space to regain control. Remember that.
You may consider posting in the
Dark Side forum, or if you'd like, we can move your thread over there. There you will find a community more centered on these kinds of needs.
Warm Regards and Prayers,
SomeKindaLove (the possibilities are endless)
This post or any of my communications do not constitute professional advice nor do they establish a professional relationship of any kind; I make no claim to any specific professional credentials; in person consultation is essential for any medical, psychological, substance-related or harm reduction decisions. While peer support an advice can be helpful, any content posted online, regardless of it's source, cannot, by it's very nature, substitute for an in-person relationship with a clinician who has had the opportunity to take your history in the larger context and provide professional advice with all these factors, and others, taken into account.