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Positive Share Something Positive About Your Day vs This Does Not Suck (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)?

BayB said:
I feel that, I got into a place some years ago where I was totally resolved to ending my life, I would struggle to explian just how simple and logical that choice seemed to be.

Eventually that thought was just that and then it was more like the thought of someone else, at the moment it isnt something I concider an option.

Keep going, even if thats all you can do and I hope you find some joy in some of it at some point but one thing you can be sure of is that the end will find you, no need to go looking for it.
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Thanks friend! :)

I've always dealt with really severe major depressive disorder for most of my life. But up until the last year or two, no matter how depressed I was, I could still enjoy some things that I love (music collecting, art, making music, etc..).. It kept me going. I'd put out like 20 albums a year (underground music, DIY kind of stuff), but this past year I've barely put out 1 album.

It's like I've completely lost any pleasure from anything at all, even all the stuff I use to enjoy. Totally numb. Lost. Bored with life.

My psychiatrist yesterday was trying to convince me to do electric shock therapy for my depression. Since SSRIs don't work & every 3 months I have to see her & fill out a GAD & depression questionnaire and my scores are always super high. And nothing I'm on helps my depression at all. But I'm weary of shock treatment. I've heard some success stories, but I've also heard horror stories of people completely losing their personalities/memories from it. And I'm not sure that's something I wanna risk. I like my personality. lol

Not to mention I'd have to go into the clinic Mon-Fri for 6 weeks & sit there with electrodes on my head. Which isn't viable for me anyway, cause I can't afford to go out every single day for 6 weeks. Too many variables there as well. Like what if I did 2 weeks of it & then my car broke down or something... then my brain will have been messed with, without finishing the whole treatment. Plus I have a trillion other appts every month, so it would just be way too much stress on me to have to go out every day for 6 weeks to get my brain shocked & shit.

What makes it even worse is I know that a full agonist opioid could take all of this away. But healthcare industry/government would rather shock my brain before letting me take a full agonist opioid. All my connects from the past are gone.

My doctors will never consider off-label treatment stuff for my depression, since I have addiction on my record now. Like I've tossed around the idea of letting me utilize a low dose of amphetamine for my depression to all my docs, but they never took it serious. And honestly I don't think amphetamine would really work in the long term either. But I have literally no motivation, no desire to do anything & no pleasure-reward whenever I do accomplish something anyway. So I don't think medicines (other than opioids) are gonna help my depression.

Took an acid trip last week. Was rather boring. Probably my 50th acid trip in the last 4 years. The people that run around claiming psychedelics can "cure" depression are so disingenuous. No amount of acid, shroom or any kind of tripping has ever "cured" anything in me. They've helped me work through complicated emotions like jealousy, anger, hatred, etc... but they will never "cure" my depressive symptoms.

About 2 weeks ago, I met a guy from a famous band & he hooked me up with 5 50mg tramadol. And told me he gets them every month & doesn't use them & would bring me some more, since I told him that 5 pills was only really enough for 1 day. But then he completely fucked off on me & never said another word to me after that initial meet up. I was looking forward to having some more for awhile too.

But those 5 tramadol gave me one hell of a wonderful day. I could feel it in my mind, it was like it awoken my brain from an ancient slumber or something & I suddenly felt "normal" and clear headed again once the tramadol kicked in. Pain & fatigue dissipated. Negative thoughts & emotions turned into heightened self esteem & confidence. Even worked on some music that day.

Got the same kind of weird awoken-from-a-slumber type feeling about 2 years ago too when I got to do some heroin for the first time in 5 years as well. It's like there's been a light bulb burnt out in my brain ever since I had to stop doing heroin & tramadol (lost my connects for them back in 2019). I've been on daily buprenorphine ever since, but it just doesn't cut it. Bupe feels more like a sedating psychiatric med than it does an "opioid". It's one of the only opioids that makes me feel mentally "flat" (that im aware of anyway, no other opioids I've done in my life time had this mood flattening effect like buprenorphine does).

It's hard to think positive some times when we live in such a shitty world. And one that restricts people's abilities to utilize certain medicines for whatever ails them.

Tried making some new friends over the summer (in person) & every single person I met eventually disappeared on me anyway. lol So it's back to solitude & just not even being interested in socializing at all.

I wish I could get on a methadone or something.

I'm sleep deprived today & literally have nothing positive to say again. lol But I can at least laugh at the absurdities of life, so I suppose that's a positive.
 
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Yesterday I got SSI and SSDI. Paid what I owed and caught up with rent so things are stable ish. It a hellova weigh off my back not worried of becoming homeless. I mean again not so hard just crash on her couch as usual. Edit(too old for that shit, anyway, right? ) co'mon....

Time to figure on something else for a minute to worry about. Ha! Plenty of that.
The lenses got a little lighter for now. 😎
Bout fuckin time, imo.
Hope all are well and as ever,
❤️
✌️
 
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Not spending a dime on substances and/or alcohol since I am able to. Musta have had to go through a training/learning period....
Thought about it but no real urge to.
Although I will always become bored with all things new (cept love); I feel I am in a stable state and ok with the substances I have had for years and will have them for years to come. No need to go running for madness.
I feel this is a great place to start healing and/or growing again. This excites me as I love to grow but alas will get bored and look for the next level.

1
 
Dopesick & so depressed, a Woman I kinda know who works at the Local Library saw me sitting in Town on a Bench totally blank in the Face & Mind & she called to me & then said "Hi, are you ok?"

Those simple 4 words nearly broke me, I lost my Stoic Mindset & could only smile & thank her for asking me.
 
DeathIndustrial88 said:
I've always dealt with really severe major depressive disorder for most of my life. But up until the last year or two, no matter how depressed I was, I could still enjoy some things that I love (music collecting, art, making music, etc..).. It kept me going. I'd put out like 20 albums a year (underground music, DIY kind of stuff), but this past year I've barely put out 1 album.
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WOW!!!!

We have very close taste in Music, I wanna hear what you do. Been playing so much Meth Drinker over the last few days, it's how Sludge Metal should always sound imho.

 
I managed to get out of the house for the second day in a row following a severe bout of agoraphobia brought on by the return of my 'treatment-resistant' Major Depressive Disorder and debilitating anxiety disorder.


Two things are for certain:
1. Nothing positive can occur from retreating to my room and staying indoors for weeks at a time (even if being outdoors is one continuous panic attack to the point where I'm lathered in sweat and can barely breathe or walk) 🤦‍♂️
2. And that I absolutely must get to a doctor as soon as possible and seek some kind of treatment. I definitely don't want to go back down the self-medication route (even though the withdrawals are overwhelming) and as such, treatment (preferably with a psychologist) is an absolute necessity at this stage.

Well done to all of you out there that are pushing forward despite every second of every day being an unbearable living hell.
 
Went to the new healing center today, it’s all pretty much done after the remodel. Met up with the new case workers and my trauma therapist gave me a tour. Talked for a couple hours with everyone on options moving forward. It’s all a lot and a lot to explain. I have been having anxiety all week up till today and so glad I made myself go.
 
AngelsandFairiesarereal said:
I have been having anxiety all week up till today
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So you think it changed because you were around those who are part of a support network of sorts? I feel more "balanced" after going to therapy and generally feel "better" about things in general.

OT
Grateful for my therapist gods know id be lost without her.
She has a small wooden tree with limbs that have slots where one will write down what you are grateful for on a lead and place it in a slot.
So far I have only put one leaf on the tree and it happened to be her name.
Twice a week and fixing to get involved with a grief group that will take committing to which I dread....
Ahhhh, grateful for my kids (feline in nature) and what little family I have.
Grateful for those in my support network.
Grateful for bl as it gives me something positive constructive meaningful (to me) to do when I am high and feeling opinionated. 😅
❤️
 
AngelsandFairiesarereal said:
Went to the new healing center today, it’s all pretty much done after the remodel. Met up with the new case workers and my trauma therapist gave me a tour. Talked for a couple hours with everyone on options moving forward. It’s all a lot and a lot to explain. I have been having anxiety all week up till today and so glad I made myself go.
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I'm glad you did too, proud of you for that one. Always feels better after you push yourself eh? The amount of occasions I've come razor close to putting off due to anxiety and depression but then I'll think about how rewarding it will be to push myself above and beyond to show up for myself, and then when I do and I get home that evening after completing the mission the sense of accomplishment is unbeatable.
 
Spent the remainder of my disposable cash for this week on a new laptop charger so even if I wanted to score (I dont) I wouldnt be able to, and I'm continuing to leave my bedroom in favour for the lower floors of the house so as to not feed into the self-isolation that had paled the recent weeks of my life and rendered them a hollow chamber containing nothing but the echoes of my own thoughts.
 
Got out of bed, out of the house and stayed downstairs out of the room. I know it doesnt seem like much but for me its huge. The goal for the week ahead is to get out of bed and the room every day in the aim of convincing my brain there is no reason to be anxious about leaving the room. I seem to be making progress on that, although I am taking 1 x 300mg Lyrica and 2.5mgs of alprazolam to stave away opioid withdrawal. Iwont go into it here but I'm detailing it in my other thread.

Wishing everyone who's fighting this every day battle strength and to remain resilient and hopeful. The day is darkest before the dawn my friends - please hold onto Hope.
 
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